DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

@Funkytuna why do you agree with a misogynist twat who doesn’t do any parenting himself and think mums moan too much?

Tomato sandwiches has hit the nail on the head - couldn't have put it better myself!

It's not about having someone else to raise it, it's about having some additional support.

They are wonderful and amazing but can be a struggle too. I know I am lucky. My children are both IVF conceived, and we had a hard road to get them, but it does not mean everything is easy all the time. When people make statements like yours, it makes people who are struggling feel shame and discourages them from seeking help.

Children are amazing, struggling sometimes does not mean you do not think that, or that you don't love them, or that you are a crap mother. As amazing as it is, it is also relentless and can be overwhelming at times. There is nothing wrong with saying it.

Presumably she wanted children, but did not want to do all the hard work unaided and knew that her husband was not going to be much help.

Agree. It's really sad. All the "why did she have another" ones are very short sighted (and bitchy).

The ironic thing here is that he has done exactly what your friend has done!

He’s got 2 kids who he presumably loves but he has outsourced all of the night wakings, hard work and tricky bits to someone else.

in Sarah’s case it’s a nanny and in his case it’s to you but no difference!

It’s his opinion, he’s entitled to it.
In the same way your friend is entitled to hers.
I don’t blame her for getting an au pair, a good friend of mine did the same. But I also don’t think that not having this kind of help automatically equals completely killing yourself for motherhood.
I’ve heard women say similar things about other women. Not great, but we all have our opinions, don’t we?
As long as it’s just this comment and he’s not openly nasty to her I wouldn’t give it too much thought.

Why are you assuming getting additional help means raising a baby?

Also, we don’t know how this came about. This could have been an unplanned pregnancy, contraception failure, not believe in abortion, etc.

Regardless, what’s wrong with having additional help?

Posters on here constantly tell others how grateful they are to have family help because they themselves didn’t yet someone with the money choosing to pay for help it’s assumed that they’re paying someone to raise their child?

If you had read some of OP’s comments, her own DH compares her to her friend negatively when OP has said she is tired because their baby cried all night and tells OP to suck it up and get on with it because she’s a mum. Someone like that doesn’t get an opinion when they can’t even help their own spouse with their baby.

Good for her. When I had smalls, my boss had a full time nanny who also had to commit to being available every Saturday night so her and dh could go out to dinner.
She only went on holiday where there was a childcare option.
At the time I thought she was shallow. In hindsight I think she spent her money wisely!

We weren’t meant to raise our children alone like we do now. It’s a really modern thing where mums have the kids all day long with no wider family, no network of friends. We used to raise our children together in communities.

That’s why having children now can feel really lonely.

Your friend is not unreasonable - she saw that she was going to be lonely / struggle, she fixed it because she had the resources to. Totally good for her.

Your DH is definitely showing a big lack of empathy.

Why is this all about the woman's decision and her role? What about the responsibility of men towards their own kids? If a nanny is hired it is because both parents need the support, not just the female one.

The OP hasn't said anywhere that her friend is not working, I went back to check all her posts.

If she is working then it is quite possible that the additional help is comparable with cost of external childcare.

And even if she isn't at work, if they can afford it and it works for them, why not? It is possible that she feels having someone to take on done of the extra load makes her a better mother

I was married to one of these op. According to him mums just have to get on with it , he continued to have the social life of a single man during our marriage. Weirdly though , when I was hospitalised for a week he needed an entire team to support him. Our neighbour did the school run , his parents helped with the baby to give him a break , and homecooked meals were replaced with takeout.

Good for this woman op! Why struggle if you don't need to. It's madness..

Speak for yourself, I’ve nannies for years and never been a servant. Your comments are embarrassing.

Sounds more like you have poor judgment of character and low standards to end up working and staying for someone who would make you feel like a servant. 🙄

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Bet he doesn't think fatherhood is completely killing himself for his family, though, eh?

He's a judgemental ass.

Everything is easy when someone else is doing the work. I imagine he does fuck all parenting and you are the default parent and do the majority of everything else. He is the joke commenting on something he has no experience of.

IMO, your friend has the right idea. She is getting the support she needs.

Don’t you just hate men who do nothing to contribute to family life, who then tear strips off women for making a choice to get in help, which she can well afford?

Another day, another cunt.

Does she not spend time with them? Has the nanny got them 24/7 while she’s off living her life elsewhere? I haven’t read the full thread so I missed that bit but if so that’s not on but if she’s using the nanny for additional help then that’s great. There’d be a lot less misery in relationships if there were additional help. The saying It takes a village to raise a child was coined for a reason.

OP why are you still with this mysogonist prick?

Just think. If you divorce him then he will presumably have the children on certain days. So you will get some child free time and he can experience first hand a little bit of what it is like to be a parent.

My DH called her a joke.

I hope you tell him what a joke he is, deciding to have children but doing so little for them that he has to ask his wife if his children have woken in the night.

And ask him what he thinks fatherhood is.
I bet he gets defensive & bangs on about bringing in all the money, you women don't know how hard he has it, he needs his sleep, women just naturally know how to raise kids ....

* 'Do you really not know anyone who carried on sending their toddler to nursery during mat leave?*

That's completely different to a full time live in nanny though.'

Yes it is, but does it matter? That's like saying someone bought a Tesla when and bog-standard Toyota Prius will do. If you can afford it, it's nice to have a more luxurious ride 💁🏽‍♀️

Seconded, although what's the betting he'll suddenly miss his dear old mum so much that he spends every access weekend at her house?

It sounds like your friend getting a nanny has just unleashed more of the true person he is. What an arse.

He's using your friend to tell you what he thinks about you and your role.