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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

563 replies

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

OP posts:
Train007 · 23/03/2023 08:38

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 07:46

He just thinks it's wrong and mothers ' moan too much ' and ' what did they expect ? ' even though he doesn't do a great deal himself. The usual. He has no idea.

When I'm Empress, men like your DH will be taken for compulsory re-education.
After having a watermelon inserted where the sun don't shine, they will expel it over 36 gruelling hours of pain & effort. 12 hours later, they will be presented with a newborn, & sent home to wrangle a toddler, solo, while ensuring that all the newborn's needs are met.

Their wives will remain working, & on coming home each night, will ask what's for dinner, why is the place such a mess, & can't DH pull himself together, stop moaning about his torn arse, & provide sex.

Excellent 👌

IAmTheWalrus85 · 23/03/2023 08:39

JudgeRinderonTinder · 23/03/2023 08:35

Why did she have another when she found one such a challenge is the first question that jumps out at me?

You and some others on the thread. It wasn’t a clever or insightful question the first time.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 08:39

JudgeRinderonTinder · 23/03/2023 08:35

Why did she have another when she found one such a challenge is the first question that jumps out at me?

Why does anybody who found their first driving lesson a challenge have any more lessons, let alone go on to pass their test?

Why does anybody who found language lessons a challenge go on to speak a little local lingo on holiday?

Why does anybody who finds a 5k run a challenge go on to run a half marathon?

IAmTheWalrus85 · 23/03/2023 08:40

SnackSizeRaisin · 23/03/2023 07:18

It is hard having a newborn and a toddler. Lots of mothers find it hard. Lots have help from family. Lots use nurseries, childminders, cleaners, and other forms of paid help, even while on maternity leave. Do you really not know anyone who carried on sending their toddler to nursery during mat leave?

An au pair is a cheaper form of childcare. You just need a spare room and pay them £120 a week. A nanny costs more but it still isn't that unusual. Having them live in means you pay them less .

Show quote history

I think people get very triggered by the words we use to describe forms of childcare. For some reason, the use of the word ‘nanny’, especially live-in, to some people conjures up a (pretty much fictitious) image of a rich woman completely sub-contracting parenting so she can go shopping in Harrods and get her nails done.
I expect the reality is that this is an au pair - a student from overseas who wants some experience of living and working in the UK and wants to improve their English and will help around the house/with childcare. I did some au pairing in Spain when I was younger for a woman under very similar circumstances - husband worked away a lot, she’d just had her third baby, she needed help with the house and with the older two kids. It was great, I stayed for three months, got paid 100 euro a week, food and board provided, improved my Spanish loads, got experiencing of living abroad, it looked good on my CV and I think it really helped her. The kids are all teenagers or adults now but we’re still in touch!
As you say it’s hardly unusual or controversial to continue sending an older child to nursery whilst a mother is on mat leave. This is probably a considerably cheaper option.

Goldbar · 23/03/2023 08:42

JudgeRinderonTinder · 23/03/2023 08:35

Why did she have another when she found one such a challenge is the first question that jumps out at me?

Maybe she likes being a mum but finds the baby stage difficult?

I like kids but not babies. Obviously, I love my own baby, but the baby stage is something for me to endure and try to find odd moments of joy in, rather than something which I relish.

If I were a man, I suppose I'd have the option of largely opting out of parenting with the excuse that "babies aren't my thing" and "I'll be more interested when they can talk". But being a mere mum, that option is closed to me.

TimeForMeToF1y · 23/03/2023 08:43

Sunsetred · 23/03/2023 07:10

He sounds jealous.

The Mumsnet nonaense response to anyone judging the choice of another

Can you not conceive of any other reason that he might think that? What exactly that the OP has posted sounds like jealousy?

Why would he be jealous that a women has help with childcare anyway?

IAmTheWalrus85 · 23/03/2023 08:45

Train007 · 23/03/2023 08:38

Excellent 👌

Show quote history

I know you’re being facetious but honestly I think even that wouldn’t inspire empathy in this kind of man. The point is that they know how hard it is, but they think women deserve to suffer. And men don’t.

Tealsofa · 23/03/2023 08:47

princemarry · 23/03/2023 07:28

@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl honestly, he really really pisses me off. He compares me, unfavourably to my friend sometimes. You're just like Sarah. This is motherhood, when are you going to get on with it.

I don't even complain anymore. I've cut him out of how I feel because he doesn't support me. He asked if the baby cried in the night and I said ' yes a lot, I'm tired 'and that set him off on a tirade about mothers like me and Sarah. Not cool at all. Sick to it. No doubt he'll apologise later, but I'm sick of the apologies. I can't forget stuff like that.

and why are you with him? He's an arsehole

LightDrizzle · 23/03/2023 08:47

Nimbostratus100 · 23/03/2023 07:12

it is delegating motherhood to someone else

I have been a live in nanny myself, and always was well aware I was just rich people's way of not bothering with their own children.

I don't really understand the attitude we have of children are such a struggle and a hardship - they are wonderful and amazing, and if you have them you are very very lucky.

Well that is a sweeping statement!

Firstly an au-pair is very different to a nanny, au-pairs have very limited working hours per week, I had two different au-pairs over a four year period and they literally looked after the youngest and supervised the eldest between 7.30 - 8.30pm when school transport collected the youngest, eldest daughter walked to school with friends, and again from 4.15 until about 5.35 when I got home. She did light household jobs, went to college to learn English and she babysat one night a fortnight. She knocked off when I walked in the door so it was an equivalent reduction in my “parenting” to having breakfast club and after-school club for 2.5hrs a day, but it involved much less running around. I cooked for all of us every night unless she had evening plans. It was a great experience for my girls and me, and I hope them, and while we lost touch with the first one after a few years, the second is still a good friend both of mine, and my eldest daughter and now her husband. She has a family now, over 15 years later and they all regularly visit and stay over.

Surely with a nanny, while some parents may delegate most parenting to them, for others it is a way of ensuring continuity and low ratio care for their children in a way that is incredibly convenient for the parents. If you can afford it, who wouldn’t want to skip the bit where you get out of the house with your work stuff, school bag, changing bag, communication diaries; strap a 4 year old into and a baby into their respective car seats in the pissing rain and battle your way through morning traffic to nursery, primary school, and arrive a work feeling you’ve done 10 rounds? I’m sure some parents with nannies use them primarily for childcare while they are at work, or to help the SAHM parent get 1:1 time with older children when there’s a new baby, rather than as a surrogate parent 24/7 parent. I mean is everyone who uses a nursery also delegating parenting?

Kingharoldshairstyle · 23/03/2023 08:48

I don’t understand how women get with these men or stay with them

inhave a distant friend who is married to one of the most misogynistic bullying men I’ve ever met. It’s not like he was lovely for years and suddenly turned into a cunt. As is often put forward on here. These men are born and bred wankers. The red flags were always there , she chose to ignore or accept them.

I look at her and I judge, I judge her for getting with someone like that and staying with someone like that, then choosing to have kids with someone like that and then raising them in a household where that shit is said.

you clearly know op he’s a horrible misogynist op. This isn’t something new to you.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 23/03/2023 08:48

maddiemookins16mum · 23/03/2023 07:46

An Au Pair and Nanny are very different levels of ‘help’ though.

Oh yes forgot to mention that! They are not interchangeable, although many parents think (wishfully?) that and au pair is a cheap nanny

NatashaDancing · 23/03/2023 08:50

LightDrizzle · 23/03/2023 08:47

Well that is a sweeping statement!

Firstly an au-pair is very different to a nanny, au-pairs have very limited working hours per week, I had two different au-pairs over a four year period and they literally looked after the youngest and supervised the eldest between 7.30 - 8.30pm when school transport collected the youngest, eldest daughter walked to school with friends, and again from 4.15 until about 5.35 when I got home. She did light household jobs, went to college to learn English and she babysat one night a fortnight. She knocked off when I walked in the door so it was an equivalent reduction in my “parenting” to having breakfast club and after-school club for 2.5hrs a day, but it involved much less running around. I cooked for all of us every night unless she had evening plans. It was a great experience for my girls and me, and I hope them, and while we lost touch with the first one after a few years, the second is still a good friend both of mine, and my eldest daughter and now her husband. She has a family now, over 15 years later and they all regularly visit and stay over.

Surely with a nanny, while some parents may delegate most parenting to them, for others it is a way of ensuring continuity and low ratio care for their children in a way that is incredibly convenient for the parents. If you can afford it, who wouldn’t want to skip the bit where you get out of the house with your work stuff, school bag, changing bag, communication diaries; strap a 4 year old into and a baby into their respective car seats in the pissing rain and battle your way through morning traffic to nursery, primary school, and arrive a work feeling you’ve done 10 rounds? I’m sure some parents with nannies use them primarily for childcare while they are at work, or to help the SAHM parent get 1:1 time with older children when there’s a new baby, rather than as a surrogate parent 24/7 parent. I mean is everyone who uses a nursery also delegating parenting?

Show quote history

I employed a nanny for exactly the reasons you list.

pixie5121 · 23/03/2023 08:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Mirabai · 23/03/2023 08:52

So when are you going to leave him on his on with the kids for 2 weeks? Or just leave him…

pizzaHeart · 23/03/2023 08:52

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.
I completely agree with this^ OP and after your updates I think he’s a twat, sorry, it doesn’t reflect on you at all, we all were fooled at some points in life. I also think that it’s his way of having digs at you and criticizing you so it’s not really about your friend at all.

About nanny. There are different reasons why people have live in nanny : health issues after birth, health issues in general, continuing study/ work, the easiest and cheapest option of childcare available, child has additional needs and needs specific support, nanny speaks foreign language parents want their child to learn, something else. If it helps for them and they have money - great!
The conversation with my DH about friend’s live in nanny would be like this:
Him: Just saw Jane’s kid ( kids) with someone. Is it her sister visiting?
Me: No, they have live in nanny.
Him: I thought they only have 2 bedrooms??
Me: no, they’ve done loft conversion last year and added 2 big bedrooms and a shower room.
him: Wow, sounds good. Can you ask Jane if she recommends her builders?
then move away from the nanny topic forever.

Lenor · 23/03/2023 08:54

I can’t think that ANY man who already has two children and pulled his own weight in the family home would say this. Having two young children is HARD. I worked in childcare for years and had heaps of experience with children before having my own. I found the transition to becoming a parent very easy, even with what you’d class as a ‘difficult’ baby with medical needs, poor weight gain who didn’t ever seem to sleep.

The transition to our second child 24 months later was really something, as was the transition to another little one just 19 months later. I would have been thrilled to be able to afford help.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/03/2023 08:58

Sarahcoggles · 23/03/2023 07:53

Each to their own, but personally I think it’s a bit pathetic to not be able to manage 2 kids on your own, when you chose to have them. (Unless there’s more to this story, and she’s got some major health problems.) Why did she have a second child if she knows she can’t cope? If money was no object then I’d love to contract out the housework, laundry, cooking etc, but I wouldn’t have wanted to have someone else look after my kids for me.

@Sarahcoggles

yeah yeah whatever

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 23/03/2023 08:59

TomatoSandwiches · 23/03/2023 07:06

I think if he hasn't grown and given birth to another human, bleed for 6 weeks whilst having major hormonal changes and bodily fluids leaking out of him for a significant period of time then his opinion means Jack shit, even if he is entitled to have one.

Yup!

OrangeKnot · 23/03/2023 09:00

He’s telling you in a not so subtle way not to get any of them-there-ideas.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 23/03/2023 09:00

ThreeblackCats · 23/03/2023 07:07

What does everyone else think ?

I think, I’m glad I’m not married to such a judgemental prick as your husband.

And yes again!

Misogyny much?

GoodChat · 23/03/2023 09:00

Ask him what he thinks fatherhood should be.

And when the baby cries in the night, kick him out of bed to deal with it.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 23/03/2023 09:07

usererror99 · 23/03/2023 08:37

To be honest your husband is entitled to an opinion? I too find it a bit odd that many mothers these days seem unable to parent their own young children on their own on maternity leave and beyond - I know lots of them personally. It's not a jealousy thing about what they can afford and I cannot or what grandparents they have available and I do not. That being said people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and all and it hardly sounds like he's one to comment on parenting when he doesn't do much himself from the sounds of it?

I don’t think it’s so much about being ‘unable’, it’s about the standards people have for their parenting.

In days gone by mothers were just expected to suck it up and get on with it, however hard it was, however much they suffered. Was that good for their children? I doubt it. It’s no secret how depressed a lot of women were in the 1950s. My father and his siblings were raised by a severely depressed, exhausted and overstretched mother in the 1950s. He’s now 70 and the damage that upbringing did to him is still obvious.

If women now feel able to ask for help then I think it’s good for them and good for their children. It doesn’t benefit anyone for women to suffer. Apart from the patriarchy.

Funkytuna · 23/03/2023 09:08

I havent read the comments but I kind of agree with him in the op to be honest. If you can't handle one baby, having another one with the idea that you'll just pay someone else to raise it because you wont cope just seems off to me.

ilovewispas · 23/03/2023 09:08

I didn't have a live in nanny but with two under 2 (one who just didn't sleep!) I had 10 hours a week of a visiting helper. She helped with the kids, fed pets, did washing, unloaded the dishwasher, wrapped Christmas presents, etc. Basically she made life bearable!

Why wouldn't I!? It was a hit financially but we cut back elsewhere as a conscious decision.

I don't blame your friend!

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 23/03/2023 09:10

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 07:46

He just thinks it's wrong and mothers ' moan too much ' and ' what did they expect ? ' even though he doesn't do a great deal himself. The usual. He has no idea.

When I'm Empress, men like your DH will be taken for compulsory re-education.
After having a watermelon inserted where the sun don't shine, they will expel it over 36 gruelling hours of pain & effort. 12 hours later, they will be presented with a newborn, & sent home to wrangle a toddler, solo, while ensuring that all the newborn's needs are met.

Their wives will remain working, & on coming home each night, will ask what's for dinner, why is the place such a mess, & can't DH pull himself together, stop moaning about his torn arse, & provide sex.

Excellent policy decision Grin