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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

563 replies

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

OP posts:
Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:35

@toomuchlaundry

Yeah if I’m being honest I do. I think it’s a bit wet round the ears.

I don’t know many two parent families (equal ones whereby the husband picks up the slack) who feels the need for a live in nanny. That’s despite both working. Too much delegation for me. If you’re both working long hours and the nanny is putting your kids to bed, when do you even see them, or indeed parent them?

Seems a bit pointless to me, and families like that will probably cart them off to boarding school.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 14:38

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:35

@toomuchlaundry

Yeah if I’m being honest I do. I think it’s a bit wet round the ears.

I don’t know many two parent families (equal ones whereby the husband picks up the slack) who feels the need for a live in nanny. That’s despite both working. Too much delegation for me. If you’re both working long hours and the nanny is putting your kids to bed, when do you even see them, or indeed parent them?

Seems a bit pointless to me, and families like that will probably cart them off to boarding school.

“Wet behind the ears”. Are you sure you mean that?

It would have been too much to expect someone like you to admit a change of heart, but to add more insults? You really are lovely. 😬

greenbackers · 23/03/2023 14:40

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:35

@toomuchlaundry

Yeah if I’m being honest I do. I think it’s a bit wet round the ears.

I don’t know many two parent families (equal ones whereby the husband picks up the slack) who feels the need for a live in nanny. That’s despite both working. Too much delegation for me. If you’re both working long hours and the nanny is putting your kids to bed, when do you even see them, or indeed parent them?

Seems a bit pointless to me, and families like that will probably cart them off to boarding school.

That's probably because of your life experience and demographics.

I know quite a few people with live in nannies and au pairs.

Most do it because they work shifts (doctors / airline pilots) and find it helpful having another adult in the house. The nannies do the same as a breakfast club and after school club but without the travelling.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:41

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Behind, around. Much of a muchness. My opinion still stands, I think families like that (and I include both mother and father in this statement) are a bit wet. Like I said, if you both work incredibly long hours and you then further delegate duties to the live in nanny, not much parenting is really going on at all is it? Which then led me to the boarding school comment. Lots of affluent families have this set up and then ship them off again.

Just seems a bit pointless to me.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 14:42

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:41

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Behind, around. Much of a muchness. My opinion still stands, I think families like that (and I include both mother and father in this statement) are a bit wet. Like I said, if you both work incredibly long hours and you then further delegate duties to the live in nanny, not much parenting is really going on at all is it? Which then led me to the boarding school comment. Lots of affluent families have this set up and then ship them off again.

Just seems a bit pointless to me.

Your mindset is archaic. What field do you work in, out of interest?

I’m guessing not a particularly high-pressured one.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:43

@greenbackers

I am incredibly lucky in that I know a lot of different people from all different demographics and it is only the minority of parents who do have this set up. Most people, including those with jobs such as that, still do want to parent.

greenbackers · 23/03/2023 14:44

Are you now suggesting that having a nanny or au pair who covers breakfast or school collection for 2 hours a day means that people aren't parenting?

That's utterly bonkers.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 23/03/2023 14:47

greenbackers · 23/03/2023 14:44

Are you now suggesting that having a nanny or au pair who covers breakfast or school collection for 2 hours a day means that people aren't parenting?

That's utterly bonkers.

Some people honestly won’t be happy until they see all people women suffer and have it worse than they have it

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 23/03/2023 14:48

I watched a little clip uploaded by someone who has a night time nanny - it just showed an insight in to their routine during the night and it honestly looked so dreamy, if I had the funds I would do it in a second.

As it stands, my funds only stretched to sending them to nursery for a few hours on my day off, so I could have a little bit of midweek me time

I don't think anyone having a helping hand is a joke, or makes them wet, or means they are incapable.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 23/03/2023 14:49

Child care is exhausting and tedious if you have to do it all on your own. I don't understand why anybody would choose not to outsource some of it if their circumstances and finances permit.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:49

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Archaic for not wanting to work excessively long hours and then further delegating parental duties? Odd assumption. I am a teacher, although I currently work on supply/tutor at various times so I still do have that flexibility. You clearly think that’s archaic and that’s okay, that’s your opinion.

It is now ten to 3. Off to pick up child number 3 you know, being the archaic mother that I am 😜. Have a good day all.

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 14:53

Presume you are not a teacher a boarding school!

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:53

@toomuchlaundry

God no.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 14:55

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:49

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Archaic for not wanting to work excessively long hours and then further delegating parental duties? Odd assumption. I am a teacher, although I currently work on supply/tutor at various times so I still do have that flexibility. You clearly think that’s archaic and that’s okay, that’s your opinion.

It is now ten to 3. Off to pick up child number 3 you know, being the archaic mother that I am 😜. Have a good day all.

Your mindset that women shouldn’t work long hours, and should, if they have children, in fact dedicate their lives solely to raising them, and feel nothing but shame if they struggle/simply choose to outsource childcare (like you did with a nursery setting) to a third party. That’s what’s archaic.

That women who don’t find utter fulfilment in the hard, timeless early portion of parenting and so employ a nanny to help are, according to you, ‘pathetic’ and ‘wet behind the ears’ (you know that means naive and immature, right?) is frankly alarming.

And you’re apparently a teacher, helping shape young minds. Albeit only supply. Who is ‘working from home’…

I heartedly disagree with you. And I’m glad of that.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/03/2023 14:58

Well obv your dh is an arse

I'm a maternity nurse and I go in and help support and advise new parents

If a mum needs it then nothing to do with anyone else

Did you ur dh ever look after your two alone all day when little

YearsOfStagnation · 23/03/2023 15:00

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:35

@toomuchlaundry

Yeah if I’m being honest I do. I think it’s a bit wet round the ears.

I don’t know many two parent families (equal ones whereby the husband picks up the slack) who feels the need for a live in nanny. That’s despite both working. Too much delegation for me. If you’re both working long hours and the nanny is putting your kids to bed, when do you even see them, or indeed parent them?

Seems a bit pointless to me, and families like that will probably cart them off to boarding school.

You are posting elsewhere about how you bottle-fed from the start to make your life easier. Had no wish to try breastfeeding. Never even tried once with any of your three babies. And they all slept well. No judgement from me; I couldn’t bf and couldn’t care less how babies get fed as long as they stay healthy.

Now from my friends and family, I have seen that for many bf is a real challenge. Especially at first with awful pain and sleepless nights. Exhausted mums. Cluster feeding etc. Who could perhaps be helped with a nanny.

Do you think you are pathetic for never giving it a go? Many mums manage to bf several kids. But you couldn’t even try feeding one. Pathetic. No wonder you found it all so easy. (I don’t actually mean all that btw). Be careful with your judging.

Muu · 23/03/2023 15:01

Many people have harsh opinions when it comes to parenting so I think it’s best to focus on what’s best for your own child and not give a shit about what other people think.

obviously it’s difficult to dismiss a closed minded person’s opinion when it’s coming from your husband so I sympathise with you op.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/03/2023 15:05

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 14:43

@greenbackers

I am incredibly lucky in that I know a lot of different people from all different demographics and it is only the minority of parents who do have this set up. Most people, including those with jobs such as that, still do want to parent.

You do realise, right, that you can be a parent without committing yourself to round-the-clock care of a baby?

According to this thread you can only consider yourself a mother if you undertake all care of small children, foregoing any support from anyone else. Where does this leave your partners, those of you who think you aren't a parent until you have really suffered?

What would you think of a single dad in a high-powered job who hired a live-in nanny? I'm going to guess you would all think he was a "great dad" and pat him on the back for doing all of it.

Yet with women you can only take the credit if you drive yourself to exhaustion and hard labour.

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 15:07

@Chilloutsnow you outsourced the feeding of your babies to a cow, how pathetic is that!! Can you now see how judgey you sound?

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 15:10

@YearsOfStagnation

I don’t think I am pathetic for bottle feeding but I can definitely see why others would potentially think that. I mean on that particular thread you would have also noted that I stated breastfeeding was far superior in terms of its nutritional content. I mean there’s no denying that. There was no debate there. Breast is best, end of. I did make my life easier for sure (but that’s debatable really as many do find breast feeding less of a faff) but I guess the difference here is the level of defensiveness that people display over other peoples opinions.

I am pretty sure the OPs friend isn’t going to give two shiny shits about chilloutsnows opinion on mumsnet about her live in nanny.

Also it’s a little bit creepy how you’re all checking my past posts 😂. Jeeeez. Lol.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 15:11

Loving your AS work on that full of shit poster, guys. Brava. 👏🏻

ConcordeOoter · 23/03/2023 15:19

I think he is not wrong as such.

He is being very judgmental, though. How does he think it's going to be for him when he makes mistakes or can't do something, if he's been chucking stones like this? We ALL have flaws.

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 15:20

@Chilloutsnow it might be an anonymous forum but it is pretty shit of mums to call other mums who are struggling with parenting 'pathetic'

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 15:21

@ConcordeOoter in what way is he not wrong?

YearsOfStagnation · 23/03/2023 15:33

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 15:20

@Chilloutsnow it might be an anonymous forum but it is pretty shit of mums to call other mums who are struggling with parenting 'pathetic'

The pressure on mums in nuclear families is really shit in this country. And undoubtedly contributes to poor mental health in new mothers. Those days are long behind me, but I detest sanctimonious preachy posts about parenting. Especially in the vulnerable early months.

The mum in the OP may not care. But plenty of new mums read boards like this and to be called pathetic for struggling and needing help, is utterly disgusting.