DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

I understand all of that. I had my 2nd and 3rd within 13 months of each other and I now have four boys in total. I don’t need a live in Nanny for four so as I said, if there’s no mitigating factors it seems like overkill.

@Chilloutsnow happy to judge someone’s parenting skills and call them pathetic though

@toomuchlaundry

On Mumsnet, as a throwaway comment?

Yeah. I do think a two parent family with a live in nanny when one parent doesn’t work is a bit…. Pathetic? Someone said overkill, perhaps that was a better word.

@Chilloutsnow but they both work

Well glad to say I don’t have unconscious bias when it comes to getting as much help as you can with children. I raised two children to adulthood by myself (father went abroad) and it was bloody hard! I’m all for the village raising a child mentality.

I am late to the thread but I think this is an excellent example of the difficulties modern women face with the idea that we can do it all or have it all.

If we cannot do it all by ourselves, and at the same time have constant promotions at work, look amazing, have great style AND stay fit there is something wrong with us!

Men can accumulate as they go along in life. They don't really have to stop - partner, kids, etc. They keep going and adding.

The journey for women is very different. But we only realize it when we hit it.

There is a lot of work still to do to accomodate that in the professional sphere.

@BellePeppa

That does indeed sound very hard, but not at all like the OPs circs. I think a core underlying issue here is poor fathers not stepping up to do the lions share, hence having to heavily outsource. This may or may not be the case for the OPs friend. However, if there are two parties heavily involved in the upbringing with a 50:50 equity in workload, then yes it does seem very excessive to get a live in nanny and I could kinda get where the OPs partner was coming from.

However, I’ll openly admit I didn’t read the full thread and didn’t realise that OPs husband was probably shitting himself because he thinks that the OP might request what Sarah has. And, I wouldn’t actually blame the OP for that, as the husband sounds like he hasn’t got a clue about the child rearing.

Mm Hmm. You don’t think this is assumed authority? Ok.

As a social worker you will form judgements often based on an unconscious bias, which you will need to reflect on when it could potentially cross over into your line of work. Hence the need for continuous reflective practice. There may be times where you do have a judgement, but you are able to compartmentalise at work because that’s what you do when you are a professional and you keep within professional boundaries.

It very arrogant to talk about a profession as though you know about it, if you don’t. I don’t know why I’m surprised though, all legal and health threads are littered with posters doing just that.

Anyway. I’m straying from the point of the thread.

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

In my opinion, no that’s not arrogant. That’s just me relaying what my best friend who is a social worker has told me in regards to judgements and her daily working life etc.

Personally I don’t think it is arrogant to not judge a professional person based on an opinion that could potentially be a bit colourful. After all they are people at the end of the day and have their flaws and biases just like everybody else. To pretend otherwise is just a bit silly. No doctor is a god, no nurse is an Angel.

It is my belief that professionals of all different kinds can compartmentalise at work. The topics I have previously spoke about are not heavily complex, infact they would only just touch the surface on their level of knowledge.

Some of these replies on this thread are mental. I currently only have one and I find it challenging. If I had the money I would 1000% have a live in nanny, plus a cleaner/personal chef/laundry doer. I’d love to spend my days with my DS as a happy, well rested and engaged parent who can do all the fun activities and actually spend quality time with him.

I disagree with whatever poster is calling this woman pathetic for finding one child challenging. I think it’s probably the best parents that find it difficult because they set themselves high standards on providing the best upbringing for their child i.e. home cooked meals, limited screen time, educational play, minimal sugar, clean clothes, good oral hygiene etc. Any idiot can put on peppa pig for 8 hours and feed their child crap for an easy life …

@Nosleepforthismum

It is also far easier to be a well rested, engaging mother when you have a supportive husband who is also picking up 50 percent of the load. That includes the cooking and the cleaning by the way. No peppa pig required.

@Chilloutsnow so if OP's friend's husband works long hours and so isn't available to pick up 50% of the load, the friend also works what is so wrong with having a nanny. I agree with @Nosleepforthismum

You’re well defensive about affording it 🤔

It wouldn’t be for me but only because I’d rather have a cook and cleaner if I had the money

@Irritateandunreasonable that's because people keep saying he's just jealous that they can't

@GoodChat Overly defensive imo, I don’t think they can tbh.

@toomuchlaundry

Does she work? I didn’t see anything to suggest she did.

My unpopular opinion still stands. Having a live in nanny who usually, by their job description picks up a lot of the parenting, is indeed overkill for a two parent family. They are not au pairs. Is it any of my business? Of course not.

Are we all supposed to pretend that outsourcing of a lot of parenting, doesn’t indeed happen in some families, particularly some affluent ones? You only have to read the threads from those who went to boarding school to realise that in some circles it’s very normal not to actually “do” parenting.

Now if that’s your decision to do that and you have the funds then it’s entirely your decision, but obs this is mumsnet where we all share what we think about it deep down.

100% all of this

@Chilloutsnow the OP has confirmed her friend works and the husband works long hours

What do you think we'd have to earn / have, in order to afford it ? Just curious, at what point you think someone can ' afford it '?

For what it's worth, I'm only repeating it because people keep saying my H is jealous. It's not that. We could have the same if we wanted.

@CosieRotton

Personally I wouldn’t totally dismiss Peppa pig. The helicopter variety of parenting isn’t all that either I’m afraid….. a little balance goes a long way 😜.

@toomuchlaundry

Ahh, that’s convenient then. My bet is the husband is a bit shit…. And OPs husband is also a bit shit… and is now shitting himself he might actually have to do some parenting. 💩

Okie dokes 👍

Lol, fair enough. I suppose I’m just totally on board with the principle of who wouldn’t get help if they could? Maybe it’s not a nanny, but I’m sure we’d all pay money to make life easier in some way if we had the cash. Or work less ourselves!

@Chilloutsnow so do you still think the friend is a pathetic mother?