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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

563 replies

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

OP posts:
Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 12:41

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Perhaps she can compartmentalise very well at work. I certainly wouldn’t judge her whole GP career on that one comment.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 12:43

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

I am not a social worker but my best friend is and we have some great, interesting conversations together.

Tiswa · 23/03/2023 12:43

So she works and has a Nanny so what? I think the working part is important though

your issue is that your husband feels that a woman should work plus do everything else

has he ever looked after the kids on his own

Original poster
princemarry · 23/03/2023 12:46

VaseWaterFlowers · 23/03/2023 12:23

I don't understand why if you say I think it's great and I'm happy for her.
and you yourself have the space and the income to have a live in nanny yourself why you just don't do it then if you think it's so great.
Is it because your DH won't let you?

I personally don't like the idea of a live in nanny.

I would consider some help during my Mat leave. I would have appreciated it as my H works a hell of a lot so I've got a toddler and a small baby and I do all night wakings, drop offs, pick ups, bed times etc. every day and also at weekends because he's frequently away then.

So it's a lot for one person. He wouldn't be happy if I got a nanny to help me, unless I'm working. He thinks it's my job to do all of that and run the household too.

OP posts:
Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 12:46

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 12:41

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Perhaps she can compartmentalise very well at work. I certainly wouldn’t judge her whole GP career on that one comment.

I do. It was particularly ‘robust’. Let’s hope she’s got a good handle on domain 4.

Nanny0gg · 23/03/2023 12:53

princemarry · 23/03/2023 12:05

I really don't know. These comments he made will no doubt be minimised once again by him. I feel like just walking out today when he gets home from work and staying at a hotel tbh. I'm definitely not cooking dinner for him.

Show quote history

Are you going to stay? Because he's not going to change and he's clearly going to be a shit father

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 12:54

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Well, we’re not her patients for a start so there’s a good chance of it.

BellePeppa · 23/03/2023 12:54

YearsOfStagnation · 23/03/2023 11:09

Ugh. You mentioned elsewhere you are a doctor/GP. I hate to think how you treat mothers who come to you saying they can’t cope. Poor patients. Where’s your empathy?

Show quote history

She’s a doctor/GP and she’s saying it’s pathetic if you can’t manage your children without extra help 😯 disgraceful attitude.

PretzelBite · 23/03/2023 12:56

thecatsthecats · 23/03/2023 12:15

When I have an extra pair of hands from my mum for example, I actually spend more quality time with my kids too. We share tasks and it's much easier to not just stick them in front of the tablet while you cook dinner etc etc etc.

This is why I prefer to see my mum friends with the dads too. Double the numbers of hands available, much more chance of an actual conversation, and the kids get more attention too.

It's actually highly weird for members of our wider species subgroup to raise infants as immediate family rotas.

Cows, whales, birds etc have all been observed rotaing their childcare. And they don't have to fill in tax returns. It's bloody weird NOT to share care.

Absolutely. Before we all became so insular and far apart it was very normal to live with or next to extended family - cousins, in laws etc - and everyone would help with the children. Women are allowed support, paid or unpaid.

internalised misogyny and jealousy have a lot to answer for on this thread.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 23/03/2023 12:57

JudgeRinderonTinder · 23/03/2023 10:15

Why is it stupid? A dog is hard work and so is a baby. Ok they have different needs but still you wouldn’t put extra stress on yourself if you find having one difficult. That’s the entire point. Whether it’s about a dog, a baby or a bloody chimp.

Show quote history

Well, several posters have already explained why it’s stupid but:

  1. It’s very common to struggle with a particular stage of parenting (eg the baby stage) but still enjoy being a parent and want a second child.
  2. What’s wrong with recognising that you struggled with something first time round and putting support in place for when you do it a second time?

I had terrible PND with my first and really struggled. Once that lifted I adored being a parent. I put every support mechanism I could afford in place when I had my second to try to ensure I didn’t have a repeat of the first time round.

And actually, maybe the dog analogy does hold some water. Lots of people really hate the puppy stage (the puppy blues) but ultimately enjoy being a dog owner. Doesn’t mean they should never get to be a dog owner ever again because they struggled with the puppy stage.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 12:59

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 12:54

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Well, we’re not her patients for a start so there’s a good chance of it.

You don’t know that. The joys of an anonymous forum.

BellePeppa · 23/03/2023 13:05

PretzelBite · 23/03/2023 12:56

Absolutely. Before we all became so insular and far apart it was very normal to live with or next to extended family - cousins, in laws etc - and everyone would help with the children. Women are allowed support, paid or unpaid.

internalised misogyny and jealousy have a lot to answer for on this thread.

Show quote history

I am quite shocked at some of the women’s attitudes on here being so negatively judgemental about sharing the child care load with someone who isn’t their partner or family. It’s ok to ask your mum or mil to look after your child several times a week - there are plenty on MN that have that type of arrangement - but it’s not alright to employ someone to do the same thing?

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 13:08

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Exactly, so you too have no way of knowing how she would conduct herself in her professional role. I should imagine at work she is able to compartmentalise, after all they’re humans too. I think we do angelise them, which is a bit silly.

MumOf2workOptions · 23/03/2023 13:08

My friend had a mother's help she had 3 kids and it worked out very well for them and was like childcare, cleaner, cook, shopper, receipt of online orders rolled into one and ironing too
If I had the space and the money, I'd certainly have one!!!

BellePeppa · 23/03/2023 13:09

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 12:37

Everybody has opinions and judgements, even professionals. That is often one of the first things you learn on a social work degree. Okay, you don’t air them in public or at work, but you most certainly do still have judgements and bias etc. Certainly you can reflect on such judgements of course but can we please stop angelising HCPs? They’re just people like everyone else.

I don’t think judging a woman as pathetic for struggling with young children is what they meant when they said you will form judgements in your line of work 🤷‍♀️

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 13:13

@BellePeppa

As a social worker you will form judgements often based on an unconscious bias, which you will need to reflect on when it could potentially cross over into your line of work. Hence the need for continuous reflective practice. There may be times where you do have a judgement, but you are able to compartmentalise at work because that’s what you do when you are a professional and you keep within professional boundaries.

BellePeppa · 23/03/2023 13:15

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/03/2023 12:17

think some people on here may subconsciously be jealous that they couldn’t afford a nanny and thus make life easier and more enjoyable for themselves

I think to some posters on here making your life easier and more enjoyable is a heinous crime against motherhood, which should be all about martyrdom, stress and exhaustion (or you’re not doing it properly).

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 13:15

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 13:13

@BellePeppa

As a social worker you will form judgements often based on an unconscious bias, which you will need to reflect on when it could potentially cross over into your line of work. Hence the need for continuous reflective practice. There may be times where you do have a judgement, but you are able to compartmentalise at work because that’s what you do when you are a professional and you keep within professional boundaries.

So you are a social worker then?

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 13:19

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Nope, I am not a social worker. Like I’ve previously said my best friend is. We regularly have interesting discussions. I also have sisters who are nurses so these sorts of topics have came up quite regularly. Particularly the angelising concept, ethics, standards of practice etc etc. It isnt a hugely complex topic.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 13:24

@BellePeppa

I can see why you would think that and I do agree there’s a type that thrives off that. I do remember my mother in law after the birth of my first baby informing me a mothers work is never done. 😂😂

I assured her it most certainly was done because I had chose to have a baby with her son, I.e another parent. HOW he actually became a great hands on dad after having a mother with that attitude is beyond me.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 13:27

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 13:19

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Nope, I am not a social worker. Like I’ve previously said my best friend is. We regularly have interesting discussions. I also have sisters who are nurses so these sorts of topics have came up quite regularly. Particularly the angelising concept, ethics, standards of practice etc etc. It isnt a hugely complex topic.

Well, you certainly write as though presenting to know what being a social worker involves. Which is perhaps disingenuous, seeing as it’s not your profession, as you say, and it’s just something you’ve apparently gleaned from a mate.

My brother is a surgeon. I talk to him a lot about his job. It’s really interesting. I wouldn’t presume to talk with assumed authority on the subject on here, though.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/03/2023 13:28

arethereanyleftatall · 23/03/2023 08:11

I'm so so surprised at the number of posters agreeing with the husband. Misogyny and internalised misogyny is so high.

Why do you want women's lives to be as shit as possible?

A woman has a financial opportunity to make her own life nicer, in the best way for her. So she's done that. Simples. And, been judged.

This.
This thread is absolutely shocking. The mummy martyr brigade is out in force.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 13:28

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/03/2023 13:28

This.
This thread is absolutely shocking. The mummy martyr brigade is out in force.

Show quote history

I hadn’t seen that post this morning. It’s very well put.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/03/2023 13:29

Yeah, and my opinion is that you don't have to "do" motherhood 24/7 for 18+ years to be a proper parent.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 13:29

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

But I am not talking with authority? I was merely saying I wouldn’t judge someone’s whole career and how they perform within it, based on one judgement on Mumsnet. There are many facets to peoples identities, their work roles being one of them and you were the one who brought up domain 4.