DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

I would love a nanny. I'm sahm and have 3, to be able to bring one to swimming and not drag the others to have to watch. Or to bring all 3 in the pool at the same time. To go to the playground and have a second set of eyes when they scatter, to go to the cinema and not have to take all three out of one needs the toilet. Basically to have a third parent. When the youngest we're still naps to let them have an uninterrupted routine regardless of school runs. If I won the lotto tomorrow I'd get a nanny, chef and personal trainer. I don't think I'd need a chauffeur but to have someone on standby would obviously be lovely. (Obviously we do most of the nice bits but it's either planned around dh, or play dates or my mum- and they just get dragged to school runs etc and everyone survives, but oh to dream)

So @princemarry What are you going to do about your arse of a husband?

@YearsOfStagnation

There are struggles but I guess it is the level of struggle that is the defining factor here. There are certain people who will absolutely stop at one because big picture thinking or not, they just know that they haven’t got it in them to raise another newborn, small baby (fair enough). Also, I wouldn’t have had another baby with my husband if he was useless and didn’t pick up the slack. Probability would be high that he would continue to be useless throughout middle childhood and adolescence. Not worth all the energy expenditure for years to come.

@toomuchlaundry

I do think it is a bit pathetic getting a live in nanny for your first baby (although in my first post I did exclude those who were suffering from postnatal depression from that opinion, hence hugely struggling). So, I’m definitely not hiding.

Don’t think @princemarry has said the partner is useless (her DH obviously is). I assume with a live in nanny they both have reasonably well paid jobs which can involve long hours, and it might be that they could be struggling with.

Also some people breeze through the baby years and then really struggle with the teen years, are they going to be called pathetic then?

@toomuchlaundry

Apologies for tagging you, you were the wrong person.

@princemarry

Well there’s nothing really I can add to this thread. You asked for opinions, and I gave mine, albeit very unpopular one.

I really don't know. These comments he made will no doubt be minimised once again by him. I feel like just walking out today when he gets home from work and staying at a hotel tbh. I'm definitely not cooking dinner for him.

This

@toomuchlaundry

I shouldn’t worry. If you’re wealthy enough to afford a live in nanny for babyhood, there’s always the option of boarding school for adolescence 😜.

When I have an extra pair of hands from my mum for example, I actually spend more quality time with my kids too. We share tasks and it's much easier to not just stick them in front of the tablet while you cook dinner etc etc etc.

This is why I prefer to see my mum friends with the dads too. Double the numbers of hands available, much more chance of an actual conversation, and the kids get more attention too.

It's actually highly weird for members of our wider species subgroup to raise infants as immediate family rotas.

Cows, whales, birds etc have all been observed rotaing their childcare. And they don't have to fill in tax returns. It's bloody weird NOT to share care.

think some people on here may subconsciously be jealous that they couldn’t afford a nanny and thus make life easier and more enjoyable for themselves

How would you know?

@Smineusername
@Nimbostratus100

children can be amazing but they can also be lots of hard work

there is nothing wrong with getting some support with that

it really is that simple

I don't understand why if you say I think it's great and I'm happy for her.
and you yourself have the space and the income to have a live in nanny yourself why you just don't do it then if you think it's so great.
Is it because your DH won't let you?

You’re welcome. Happy to share my views any time.

Certain posters have come across really poorly on this thread. They may not personally have wanted help with their first or second babies, but calling a mother who did ‘pathetic’ is really, really setting women back.

Especially when they know nothing really about that woman’s circumstance.

Women are have so many enemies in this day and age, and other women shouldn’t be among them.

So, you claim to be a doctor, apparently. Scary.

I guess there could be a need for a live in nanny if your husband is fucking useless. It would be hard doing all the feeds, care etc etc if your husband didn’t really step up. That goes for cleaning, life admin and everything else. Life most certainly is easier when you have that support, particularly in adolescence whereby you get to share the mental load together. So is the OPs friends husband a bit crap then?

Having said that, a live in nanny for a two parent family whereby one parent doesn’t work could be seen as excessive and delegating parenthood. Guess it depends on the level of caring intervention.

glad she’s not my doctor, compassion and non judgment is quite important!

I actually think is poor form to call
anyone genuinely struggling with anything ‘pathetic’. We are not all the same.

Everybody has opinions and judgements, even professionals. That is often one of the first things you learn on a social work degree. Okay, you don’t air them in public or at work, but you most certainly do still have judgements and bias etc. Certainly you can reflect on such judgements of course but can we please stop angelising HCPs? They’re just people like everyone else.

Same. Imagine crawling into a GP surgery postnatally, on your knees with exhaustion, feeling like you can’t cope, to be met with a doctor that thinks you’re ‘pathetic’ for not managing.

Sometimes, I wish posters like that would be doxxed.

Hopefully the children of your friend will not grow up with unkind, name calling parents like some of the children of the posters on this thread. Calling a stranger “pathetic” and “delegating motherhood” because she struggles with the early days of parenting is ridiculously spiteful and judgmental. It’s one part of their whole lives and it can be hard.

There’s ‘angelising’ medical professionals, and then there’s expecting basic compassion and even understanding from a female medic who has experienced motherhood. Let’s hope she can fake it.

Crikey, you’re not a social worker, are you? If so, that’s a social worker and a GP on this thread who think mothers who seek help are pathetic.

Fantastic. 👏🏻