DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

And you can be a ‘perfect’ mum to a two year old and then a shit mum to teens and older adults. Nobody knows how it can turn out so it’s better for people not be too smug, sanctimonious or judgemental of other parents doing their best.

So if you didn't have such flexible jobs what would you have done, not have children @Chilloutsnow

@NotAnotherBathBomb

Back when mine were small my husband did 4 on and 4 off shifts and I worked via an agency whereby I could also pick and choose my days so I did the 4 back to back shifts when he was off. I’ve already said I think there is a comparable difference to standard childcare and a live in nanny.

So you used nursery, then?

Theres no point floundering over comparing nannies and childcare as completely different, you’ve completely undermined your judgmental earlier posts.

Some would argue the one-to-one care of a nanny is vastly superior to a nursery setting. I’m sure you’ll have something to say about that, though.

@toomuchlaundry

The reason we did what we did back then was because we didn’t want them in too much childcare. Having said that, obviously I know people don’t always have flexibility but there’s a difference in my opinion from standard child care options/live in nanny. Particularly when the OPs friend said she found one really, really hard. People don’t have to have another child just for the sake of it.

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

1 day a week nursery for mine. Well until they hit preschool age and yes I do think there’s a difference. Depends on the sheer amount of delegation I guess, which I presume would be an awful lot more with a live in nanny.

I'd rather a kind and loving mum who had the help of a nanny than a nasty, smug and judgemental mum who tears down other mothers for making different choices.

A live in nanny is just another form of childcare. They don't work 24/7/7. They are more reliable (in that there are no traffic delays or public transport disasters which mean they're late) and slightly cheaper than a live out nanny.

@YearsOfStagnation

Agreed, there are certainly no guarantees but I’m not sure why you would choose to have another child if you openly did admit to really struggling with the first. I for one, wouldn’t have put myself through it.

But if it was the newborn age you couldn’t handle and there was a way to make it easier, why on earth would you not consider it for a second and third child if you can afford it? If you end up being an awesome mum to teens and adults one day. It’s just a few years.

One day a week…perhaps your children may have found that more traumatic as they never really had much time there to get settled?

Interesting. Also interesting that you felt justified in hammering a woman for having help and not ‘raising her children herself’, when you used childcare.

@PedroPascal absolutely, can't believe some mums are calling another mum pathetic because she struggles with a toddler and a baby and working, and horror of horrors has someone who helps with childcare.

Precisely.

I struggled with my first when she was a baby. By the time she was 6 months old, I no longer struggled and realised that the struggling period was finite and more manageable than it had felt in the depths of it.

DC2 was born when DC1 was 3 and second time round it was an absolute doddle.

Both mine are now teens and great but I don't judge people who find their teenagers more difficult than I do because that is pointless and nasty. All children are different and everyone struggles with different things.

Actually it's normally advised not to do just one day in nursery setting as child can struggle with settling in, so maybe we can tell that poster she is a bad mum for doing that, because having a regular person a child can get comfortable with is actually much better for them

@YearsOfStagnation

I just wouldn’t. I think the early years are crucial, and I wouldn’t have wanted to delegate so much. I tend to live in the moment. I was lucky in that I enjoyed babies, I know fine well that isn’t the case for all and why should it be? I know that if I had really struggled first time round I would have called it a day and just had the one.

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

One day in childcare Vs a live in nanny? Worlds apart.

@Chilloutsnow and if you had struggled with one baby would you have been happy for people to call you pathetic?

@toomuchlaundry

That isn’t what I said though is it? I do think it’s pathetic to have more children with heavy delegation when you couldn’t cope with the first.

You still think it is okay to call a mum pathetic. I know who I think is a better mother

Well if every mother who struggled with one very young child gave up on having more, we would have even more of an issue with a declining birth rate.

Fortunately, many people can see the bigger picture and know that kids get easier and less dependent so have more and end up coping just fine. Like me! Kids have left home now and we are so so close. But I still look back with horror on those sleepless early months and wish I had a nanny!

That's upsetting to hear. I'm a sahm with a FT housekeeper/nanny. I have a primary aged and a 5m old. I have the children who are the most high needs babies. I find parenting incredibly hard. Incredibly hard. Both just cried and cried unless held or carried 24/7. My dh is a very hands on dad himself, who knows how hard it is and is fully on board with us having this help. In fact he found our nanny for us.

Why do so many people equate the mum suffering without help, with good parenting? It’s so misogynistic and unhelpful.

You also said it was pathetic to have a nanny for your first child. Stop hiding behind the whole second child thing.

@Chilloutsnow do you think the OP is wrong too because she is getting a nanny? Is her partner wrong too, or just her?