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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

563 replies

princemarry · 23/03/2023 06:59

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 23/03/2023 11:06

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:05

@Anniegetyourgun

Only because she has delegated motherhood. Have the funds to do so? Brilliant if that’s what you want. The OP asked for opinions on the matter. If you don’t like all of the responses perhaps don’t ask in the first place.

She's not delegating. She's sharing the load.

YearsOfStagnation · 23/03/2023 11:09

Sarahcoggles · 23/03/2023 07:53

Each to their own, but personally I think it’s a bit pathetic to not be able to manage 2 kids on your own, when you chose to have them. (Unless there’s more to this story, and she’s got some major health problems.) Why did she have a second child if she knows she can’t cope? If money was no object then I’d love to contract out the housework, laundry, cooking etc, but I wouldn’t have wanted to have someone else look after my kids for me.

Ugh. You mentioned elsewhere you are a doctor/GP. I hate to think how you treat mothers who come to you saying they can’t cope. Poor patients. Where’s your empathy?

TheodoreMortlock · 23/03/2023 11:09

@princemarry tell him you've got a solution to his whining about Sarah's nanny - she no longer needs one as you're going to LTB and move in with her yourself.

(only half joking)

Original poster
princemarry · 23/03/2023 11:09

@Chilloutsnow why do you need to tear her down because she's not like you ? Calling her pathetic is quite harsh. You could have said that it's not what you would choose because you wanted to have no outside interference in raising your kids and you also didn't feel you needed the help. But calling someone pathetic is quite mean.

Yes, I asked your opinion. You gave it. This is mine about what yours. You didn't ask for mine, but I gave it anyway. Sorry about your dog and for what it's worth, I think it's pretty harsh too, to bring that into the discussion.

OP posts:
Original poster
princemarry · 23/03/2023 11:10

@YearsOfStagnation I couldn't agree more.

OP posts:
YearsOfStagnation · 23/03/2023 11:10

Good for the friend. I never had this help but would have loved it! Being exhausted and having to give your attention to a million different places, does not make you a better mother. Being rested and less stressed would probably have made me a nicer and more patient mum.

So many mummy martyrs on MN!

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 11:12

She works @Chilloutsnow (as does her partner) what do you expect them to do with the children?

YearsOfStagnation · 23/03/2023 11:15

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:03

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Slightly different circumstances to how the OP described her friend, who found it incredibly challenging having one. Common sense should have prevailed. We all have a different capacity for motherhood so why have more when you couldn’t cope with the one you had? It sounds like this nanny will literally be doing everything, which begs the question, what was the point?

Babies and toddlers are tough to care for. You can hate the early years but be a phenomenal mum to teens and older kids/young adults. We always hear about those precious early years and how they go so fast. Why not get a nanny to make those few years go more easily before the good bits start ;-) You can want loads of kids without having to love every second of the newborn stage.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 11:15

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:03

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Slightly different circumstances to how the OP described her friend, who found it incredibly challenging having one. Common sense should have prevailed. We all have a different capacity for motherhood so why have more when you couldn’t cope with the one you had? It sounds like this nanny will literally be doing everything, which begs the question, what was the point?

What have you read that props up: ‘it sounds like this nanny will literally be doing everything’?

I think that is your projected judgement on a situation that you really don’t know anything about. You don’t actually know that she didn’t have crippling PND, but had wanted more than one child. You don’t actually know that she didn’t haemorrhage during her birth and was physically devastated for quite a while afterwards?

You don’t actually know the situation beyond, “woman has nanny to help with first baby and has nanny to help with second baby.”

YearsOfStagnation · 23/03/2023 11:16

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 10:55

@princemarry

I think it’s pathetic having more than one child when you couldn’t cope with the one you had. Personally me and my husband enjoyed looking after ours but perhaps I’m old fashioned. Not sure what you want? You asked if anyone agreed with your husband and some people did. Like myself.

At least you have the awareness to recognise how old-fashioned you are I guess.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:17

@toomuchlaundry

Lots of people work without nannies. Myself and my husband managed to do so. Of course everyone is different and wants to do different things but at the end of the day we were asked for our opinions.

I do believe we all have different capacities for motherhood and it was a little foolish to go ahead with a second if you found having one incredibly challenging. Why not have just stuck with one? There’s no shame in that, it just is. I have 3, and that was enough for me. There was certainly no martyr like behaviour because overall I’ve enjoyed having them.

I have friends who never want kids because they think they couldn’t cope with them. Fair enough, perhaps they already have the insight and good luck to them. I also know someone who is pregnant with their 3rd. Really bloody struggles and suffers but yet keeps putting herself through it? Bizarre.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 11:17

YearsOfStagnation · 23/03/2023 11:09

Ugh. You mentioned elsewhere you are a doctor/GP. I hate to think how you treat mothers who come to you saying they can’t cope. Poor patients. Where’s your empathy?

Show quote history

Well, that’s horrifying. I wonder what parental help that poster had, and when they put their kid into nursery so they could work again…

napody · 23/03/2023 11:18

MultipleVeganPies · 23/03/2023 07:07

Clever her, she found herself a wife

Haha, exactly! Just like he has.

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 11:19

@Chilloutsnow so did you not use any childcare at all?

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:19

@YearsOfStagnation

Yep, I must be that 34 year old trapped in a 94 year olds body 😜. Personally I think some insight into your own capacity for motherhood wouldn’t be a bad thing in life. Of course no one knows this until they have their first.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 23/03/2023 11:20

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 10:50

I do know of women who have totally lacked resilience and had to call their own mum in at every opportunity yes. Having said that, they did have the sense to stop at one. Excluding something like severe postnatal depression, yes it is totally pathetic.

We get it. How many times do you have to say it 😂

napody · 23/03/2023 11:20

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:17

@toomuchlaundry

Lots of people work without nannies. Myself and my husband managed to do so. Of course everyone is different and wants to do different things but at the end of the day we were asked for our opinions.

I do believe we all have different capacities for motherhood and it was a little foolish to go ahead with a second if you found having one incredibly challenging. Why not have just stuck with one? There’s no shame in that, it just is. I have 3, and that was enough for me. There was certainly no martyr like behaviour because overall I’ve enjoyed having them.

I have friends who never want kids because they think they couldn’t cope with them. Fair enough, perhaps they already have the insight and good luck to them. I also know someone who is pregnant with their 3rd. Really bloody struggles and suffers but yet keeps putting herself through it? Bizarre.

People with high needs babies might find the first year incredibly hard but be great parents after that! I am generally incredibly judgmental of rich people's choices 😂but I think this is a fantastic use of your money if your partner doesn't pull his weight.... haven't rtft but if he isn't taking on his share, surely he's the 'joke'?

NotAnotherBathBomb · 23/03/2023 11:21

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 10:57

@tenbob

you wouldn’t cry if your dog died? That’s a shame, I loved mine. Funnily enough I looked after her well and she never went into kennels 😜.

Maybe you shouldn't get another dog seeing as you can't cope with it's loss 😜

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:21

@toomuchlaundry

Me and my husband worked around each other. They were in nursery for 1 day each week. I don’t really think you can compare childcare to live in nannies though. I mean there is a level of delegation that most certainly steps into a replacement mother. If you have the funds to do so and you’re comfortable with it, happy days but I did find it odd why you would do this when it was quite clear you did struggle with one.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:23

@NotAnotherBathBomb

Too late. Puppies currently on my lap whilst I pretend to work from home 😜.

greenbackers · 23/03/2023 11:24

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:21

@toomuchlaundry

Me and my husband worked around each other. They were in nursery for 1 day each week. I don’t really think you can compare childcare to live in nannies though. I mean there is a level of delegation that most certainly steps into a replacement mother. If you have the funds to do so and you’re comfortable with it, happy days but I did find it odd why you would do this when it was quite clear you did struggle with one.

You and your husband work around each other so both do your fair share of child rearing. It sounds like the op's "friend's" husband does not do his share so she employs someone to do it instead.

I doubt very much you would have coped as well as you did if your husband hadn't pulled his weight.

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:25

@greenbackers

To be honest if my husband didn’t pull his weight with baby number one he wouldn’t be someone whom I would want to have another child with. Fuck that.

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 11:25

@Chilloutsnow only a replacement mother not replacement father. A nanny is childcare just like nursery. Useful if you have odd working hours.

You didn't spend all your time with your children, are you pathetic too?

NotAnotherBathBomb · 23/03/2023 11:26

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:21

@toomuchlaundry

Me and my husband worked around each other. They were in nursery for 1 day each week. I don’t really think you can compare childcare to live in nannies though. I mean there is a level of delegation that most certainly steps into a replacement mother. If you have the funds to do so and you’re comfortable with it, happy days but I did find it odd why you would do this when it was quite clear you did struggle with one.

Interesting. What jobs do you and your husband do that allowed such a flexible arrangement? Many people would love to only need to pay nursery fees for one day a week

Chilloutsnow · 23/03/2023 11:26

@toomuchlaundry

Replacement parents then.