DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

She had a nanny for her first too. Is that pathetic as well?

Generally people judge and are vile about others to boost their own self esteem.

This is my take on it.

Your DH sees that having a live in nanny/aupair would be a great thing for you and him and your family.

I'm guessing you can't do that because either you don't have the space in your home to accomodate another person happily or easily or you can't afford it or both.

The fact he sees someone else doing that when he would like to provide it for his own family makes him feel shitty.

Solution: Mentally decide this is an appalling thing to do, it makes the mother a joke/judge her for it as something you'd never do = problem solved. He no longer has to feel bad about what he perceives to be financial/economic/housing/whatever failings on his part.

I think that's truly how he sees it, yes.

That’s really interesting

Do you think the same about anyone who has their mum come over and help out?

That they shouldn’t have had any more children and she is a ‘joke’?

@princemarry

Totally pathetic yes.

@princemarry he's an arsehole, isn't he?

What's he like as a dad?

I do know of women who have totally lacked resilience and had to call their own mum in at every opportunity yes. Having said that, they did have the sense to stop at one. Excluding something like severe postnatal depression, yes it is totally pathetic.

We have a big house and could easily afford it.

I would have loved a night nanny in the early days!

Why?

What do you want from this post OP?

You could ask that about any post surely ?

I was curious if people also think my friend is a joke.

So?

@princemarry

I think it’s pathetic having more than one child when you couldn’t cope with the one you had. Personally me and my husband enjoyed looking after ours but perhaps I’m old fashioned. Not sure what you want? You asked if anyone agreed with your husband and some people did. Like myself.

What?! A woman going out to work - who'd a thought it. Does she have a partner, and do they work?

The OPs partner sounds like an idiot if he thinks that's how things ought to be, it's 2023 FFS.

Lols

You wake up crying in the mornings because a dog died, and you’re trying to shame people for lacking resilience because they want some help with a newborn

Catch yourself on

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

So what indeed? If you want to delegate your parenting go ahead, do I think it’s a joke? Yes. Do others? Perhaps not.

@tenbob

you wouldn’t cry if your dog died? That’s a shame, I loved mine. Funnily enough I looked after her well and she never went into kennels 😜.

Is she only allowed paid help if she can't cope, then? What level of non-coping is acceptable, and who measures it?

I really do not get how having help with raising your child = delegating responsibility. It can be, but more often than not it's a question of reducing the burden. Raising children shouldn't be a burden but on your own, with a job, possibly older children, and maybe other stresses such as SEN or difficult home circumstances in the mix, it's feckin' hard work and no-one should feel morally obliged to deal with the whole lot themselves if reasonable options exist. It seems more responsible to me, not less, to call in appropriate assistance so everything one's children need is more effectively covered. Plus that's one more person gainfully employed, so it's even good for society at large.

@Chilloutsnow do you and your partner not work?

Incidentally, I didn’t ‘lack resilience’ when I got a nanny in. I just wanted one as it’s easier and meant I could do other things as well and keep my life in a semblance of normality.

I really wanted to understand why you thought it's pathetic to have a nanny for your first child or second or whatever. And you answered, because you enjoyed it.

Ok that's your opinion.

I think it takes a village to raise a child and I don't think anyone should be shamed for getting help/ asking for support. My grandmother had lots of kids ( back in the day ). Kids were looked after by everyone. It was just the way it was. I think it's unnatural to expect a person ( it's most often the mother ) to meet all of the children's needs alone without any support. I think most people don't have the emotional reserve to give that to their kids 100 percent of the time and I think kids end up neglected if you do it all alone. Another pair of hands can really help meet children's needs better.

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Slightly different circumstances to how the OP described her friend, who found it incredibly challenging having one. Common sense should have prevailed. We all have a different capacity for motherhood so why have more when you couldn’t cope with the one you had? It sounds like this nanny will literally be doing everything, which begs the question, what was the point?

But she can cope with it. Because she has help.

@Anniegetyourgun

Only because she has delegated motherhood. Have the funds to do so? Brilliant if that’s what you want. The OP asked for opinions on the matter. If you don’t like all of the responses perhaps don’t ask in the first place.