Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

[wasshereallywrong]

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

The girl has been criticised and insulted on here more than the racist, violent little twat who started the whole thing (yes, I'm taking OP at face value as I knew boys exactly like this when I was at school).

Ultimately, she's on the right side and if he continues to use racist slurs he'll end up getting attacked by someone bigger and scarier eventually.

Well said. So many pp defending the racist little shit. Another example of pp not actually reading what op has said.

If we're not going to believe what a poster is saying why are we bothering.
The only concern for me is how many teenagers are carrying knives these days and things can go badly wrong.

When talking about the incident she said that she can imagine it being heated.

She didn't say that she was screaming at him, or that she was verbally aggressive, or that she was in her face.

This is what people have chosen to believe.

She chose to believe he'd make the racist remark.

I would also love to know this magical school people know of where the teachers are straight in every single problem told to them, because that hasn't been the experience of anyone I know of that attends school currently.

I’m sorry I’m not ‘edgy’ enough to teach our kids violence first, questions later. No wonder this country is fucked. 😞

I’m sorry I’m not ‘edgy’ enough to teach our kids violence first, questions later. No wonder this country is fucked

It seems to be heading that way rapidly.

Before anyone says violence isn't the answer, it absolutely is, not one "right" was gained by being a pacifist, it was gained by violence.

No. It isn't. And if that what you're teaching your children then don't be surprised when they achieve poor outcomes in life.

I'm totally prepared to be in the minority here but in what world has she done anything wrong? More people should be calling out others on their unacceptable racist language. I would absolutely be supporting your daughter in this, as long as everything is as you said she's done nothing wrong

Why on earth are you encouraging your kids to punch people in the face?!

They certainly aren't guaranteed to come off best in any such encounter, they could well get the shit kicked out of them and probably end up with a police record as well.
It's actually pretty vile that you're teaching them to "always do the right thing, no matter what" when this is your ridiculous idea of the right thing.

I said she was heated because I meant she was angry, she wasnt threatening him. She has problems in school relating to her abilities not violence. I have explained about the gobby little sod comment, that I was making it clear that I am not a parent that thinks she is an angel.
She didn't get a crowd of people together with pitchforks. It is a massive comp with hundreds of kids so moving between lessons there will be lots of people around
@fitzwilliamdarcy I have told her that there were different ways to deal with this and she recognises this now

I am black and one of very few when I was at school. My white friends often stood up for me. It does depend on whether it was true because she didn't hear it herself. However you said it wasn't the first time and I have been on the receiving end of this where the person was clever and knew what to say when noone was looking.
Lesson for your daughter to learn is her approach but I have no sympathy for a racist. Its good to call it out. So many people just stand by

If she cared about racism at all she would have had a word with the boy alone, made sure he actually had said those words, told her what she thought of him and then gone to a teacher, instead of getting her friends all riled up, getting them to come and watch her get in the boy’s face and then stepping back and leaving them to give him a battering, for something he may not have even done!

Oh yeah we can hold 13yo girls with ADHD to the same standards as adults now. 🙄

Criminal? How? She didn't lay a hand on anyone.

She used her voice to stand up to bullies!

Thank God that there are people like her in the world.

Yeah amazing, thank god we've got people like who go and call out racism without evidence, which results in another child being injured. She played that one just right. And if she carries on I'm really sure that someone won't one day punch her in the face, or someone else get badly injured, because she used her voice.

Shame she didn't think to use her voice to just tell a teacher, but hey, she called it out anyway 🤨

So because he’s a boy, the word of a knowingly trouble making girl must be true 🙄

I wonder what kind of response a poster would get if they said a boy shouted in their teen DD’s face over a rumour. I can’t imagine they’d say an internal exclusion was too harsh and he’s a hero.

I would also love to know this magical school people know of where the teachers are straight in every single problem told to them, because that hasn't been the experience of anyone I know of that attends school currently.

It doesn’t mean it’s ok for pupils to take matters into their own hands? If you let a ‘gobby’ girl starting at a big slide then you have to let older boys confront younger boys, or boys confront girls. It can’t be one rule for one and a different for another in schools

The thing is these people probably are talking about their girls being violent not their boys.

Because she didn’t hear it herself, and whilst it’s ok to be angry about it, this vigilante nonsense is not OK. It’s certainly not how schools should be run

This.

Whoever said about the white saviour complex is spot on.

POC don’t need white people fighting their battles for them - especially when it just results in aggression

OP have you name changed?

Why not? They’re in the cusp of adulthood. Taking responsibility for their actions is a part Of adulthood and they should learnt his well before teenage age. Otherwise When do we stop treating them with kid gloves?

13 is nowhere near adulthood.

Besides, if you're expected to behave entirely rationally all of the time at 13, you sure as hell should know racism is wrong.

That’s completely different - your niece saw it happen right in front of her, she didn’t go looking for trouble, and she was actively defending someone.

the OPs girl deliberately went off second or third hand hearsay to morality police the boy, wound up a crowd and then her friends beat him up.

I mean violence is rarely good but I think your niece acted more appropriately than the girl in the OP. Hope she didn’t get punished

wound up a crowd

Did she?

I'd imagine so. She managed to gather a crowd around her, she hardly did that by having a calm, measured discussion with the boy.