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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

738 replies

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:37

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

OP posts:
Jonei · 23/03/2023 13:38

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 23/03/2023 13:35

My children are mixed race and if somebody is racist towards them the ONLY appropriate solution is to inform a teacher. I wouldn’t be impressed by some ridiculous vigilante justice nonsense that causes more harm than good. And I’m raising my kids to see there is no place for vigilante justice in society

Good.

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:39

Ah well, little racist shits will be little racist shits in front of the wrong person eventually.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 23/03/2023 13:40

Jonei · 23/03/2023 13:38

Moral compass my arse. She's been caught out for aggressive behaviour and inciting violence, causing someone else to get hurt, and she's been punished for it. Quite rightly so.

Show quote history

This

ReadersD1gest · 23/03/2023 13:41

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:39

Ah well, little racist shits will be little racist shits in front of the wrong person eventually.

As will the gobby little sod 🤷🏻‍♀️

Jonei · 23/03/2023 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 23/03/2023 13:42

What I’m hearing sounds a lot like a white saviour complex.

Your DD is passionate about calling out racism - that’s great. But it has to be done in the right way. Here, she heard some hearsay and instigated an aggressive situation which has resulted in two black boys feeling the need to defend her and getting into a fight themselves.

The end result is that those punished most harshly will be the boys who have historically had to endure being called a racist slur. The victim will be perceived to be the racist boy.

All of that has happened because your DD is so passionate about confronting racism that she’s unable to recognise that the way in which this is done can harm the community she’s trying to defend. Many adults struggle with that so that’s not a criticism, but this incident may be a useful starting point for critical thinking around that.

YABU not to see this as an opportunity for learning and growth for her.

Museya15 · 23/03/2023 13:43

Tomkirkman · 23/03/2023 05:45

I am not white. I can’t stand it when white people wade in a situation and inflame the situation. I am always completely confused why they believe non white people can’t handle it or are handling it incorrectly, so we must need them to sort it.

I am still non the wiser why Ops dd felt that she had to step in and handle this. Why she felt the boys it happened to couldn’t?

A bit of mob justice wasn’t going to help anyone.

and I am going to guess, again, that Ops dd is often found at the root of loads of trouble or drama.

Couldn't agree more! I think they are looking for martyrdom.

Jonei · 23/03/2023 13:44

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:39

Ah well, little racist shits will be little racist shits in front of the wrong person eventually.

Maybe. Or maybe the girl will end up getting injured herself. Which would be pretty fucking stupid wouldn't it. Would you encourage your girls to do that?

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You still haven't said why you are so adamant that this kid isn't racist. Is he yours?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 23/03/2023 13:44

fitzwilliamdarcy · 23/03/2023 13:42

What I’m hearing sounds a lot like a white saviour complex.

Your DD is passionate about calling out racism - that’s great. But it has to be done in the right way. Here, she heard some hearsay and instigated an aggressive situation which has resulted in two black boys feeling the need to defend her and getting into a fight themselves.

The end result is that those punished most harshly will be the boys who have historically had to endure being called a racist slur. The victim will be perceived to be the racist boy.

All of that has happened because your DD is so passionate about confronting racism that she’s unable to recognise that the way in which this is done can harm the community she’s trying to defend. Many adults struggle with that so that’s not a criticism, but this incident may be a useful starting point for critical thinking around that.

YABU not to see this as an opportunity for learning and growth for her.

Excellent post

Jonei · 23/03/2023 13:45

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:44

You still haven't said why you are so adamant that this kid isn't racist. Is he yours?

Show quote history

Is he mine? Hmm, ask your CCTV. Or consult your tarot cards.

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:45

The end result is that those punished most harshly will be the boys who have historically had to endure being called a racist slur. The victim will be perceived to be the racist boy.

Well, you are not wrong there. She's 13 though, she'll learn.

Jonei · 23/03/2023 13:46

You still haven't said why you are so adamant that this kid isn't racist. Is he yours?

And I don't know whether he is racist or not. Nor do you. Because evidence. Right?

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:47

Jonei · 23/03/2023 13:45

Is he mine? Hmm, ask your CCTV. Or consult your tarot cards.

Show quote history

Are you OK? 😆 you realise interpreting a post on an internet forum in a certain way is pretty standard, right? No magic needed.

ArdeteiMasazxu · 23/03/2023 13:51

taking someone to task about stuff she heard about their behaviour second-hand was wrong. the punishment for it is very much on the harsh side, a single detention more appropriate.

but you should definitely be challenging the school management to find out what they are going to do about the endemic racism and abusive language among their pupils. this incident didn't happen in a vacuum - it happened because your dd saw no one else standing up for what is right.

ReadersD1gest · 23/03/2023 13:53

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:47

Are you OK? 😆 you realise interpreting a post on an internet forum in a certain way is pretty standard, right? No magic needed.

Show quote history

Posters usually present their situation in a fairly biased way, you know?
People "interpret" what they say in different ways.

Resorting to asking "Are you ok? 😆" when people disagree with your interpretation is both childish and stupid.

Jonei · 23/03/2023 14:08

ReadersD1gest · 23/03/2023 13:53

Posters usually present their situation in a fairly biased way, you know?
People "interpret" what they say in different ways.

Resorting to asking "Are you ok? 😆" when people disagree with your interpretation is both childish and stupid.

Show quote history

Resorting to asking "Are you ok? 😆" when people disagree with your interpretation is both childish and stupid

Yep. Although I was starting to reach that conclusion, based on the evidence presented on this thread, anyway. No CCTV or mystic meg style gut feeling required. 😂

Sallydimebar · 23/03/2023 14:09

ArdeteiMasazxu · 23/03/2023 13:51

taking someone to task about stuff she heard about their behaviour second-hand was wrong. the punishment for it is very much on the harsh side, a single detention more appropriate.

but you should definitely be challenging the school management to find out what they are going to do about the endemic racism and abusive language among their pupils. this incident didn't happen in a vacuum - it happened because your dd saw no one else standing up for what is right.

The Op has said Dd hasn’t “the best school record “ so maybe a bit past the detention stage I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ I do know any exclusion isn’t taken lightly . What schools do need is support from parents .

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 14:13

I think banging on about tarot cards is weird as fuck but hey, at least I don't resort to insults 🤣

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 23/03/2023 14:21

Sorry - so it was wrong of OP's daughter to believe that this boy was making racist remarks, even though he has history of making racist remarks, because she didn't hear them this time, yeah?

But here we have a thread of (I assume) actual adults, piling on to call a 13 year old child a gobby sod, and making assumptions that she was in his face, with no actual evidence of this?

Jesus.

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 14:30

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 23/03/2023 14:21

Sorry - so it was wrong of OP's daughter to believe that this boy was making racist remarks, even though he has history of making racist remarks, because she didn't hear them this time, yeah?

But here we have a thread of (I assume) actual adults, piling on to call a 13 year old child a gobby sod, and making assumptions that she was in his face, with no actual evidence of this?

Jesus.

I think my favourite part was when a poster said the boy 'had to' push the girl to get her out of the way. I also can't take seriously any poster who uses personal insults in a disagreement with a stranger on the internet.

Aprilx · 23/03/2023 14:37

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 23/03/2023 14:21

Sorry - so it was wrong of OP's daughter to believe that this boy was making racist remarks, even though he has history of making racist remarks, because she didn't hear them this time, yeah?

But here we have a thread of (I assume) actual adults, piling on to call a 13 year old child a gobby sod, and making assumptions that she was in his face, with no actual evidence of this?

Jesus.

It was her mother who posted that she was a “gobby sod” in the OP, so I think people were using the description provided. Her mother also said she probably was very heated and that he tried to push her away, so being in his face seems quite reasonable too, based on what her mother said.

Jonei · 23/03/2023 14:38

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 23/03/2023 14:21

Sorry - so it was wrong of OP's daughter to believe that this boy was making racist remarks, even though he has history of making racist remarks, because she didn't hear them this time, yeah?

But here we have a thread of (I assume) actual adults, piling on to call a 13 year old child a gobby sod, and making assumptions that she was in his face, with no actual evidence of this?

Jesus.

No it's fine for the ops daughter to believe that.

What's not fine is how she responded to it, which resulted in the injury of a child. The op herself described her own child as gobby.

What would have been the right course of action for the dilemma the ops child faced?

Hhm 🤔

A) Take matters into her own hands and confront child, with henchmen at her side, resulting in escalation and potential injury to either the accused or the accuser? Answer? No. ❌

B) Tell a teacher, get them to deal with it? Answer: Yes. ✅

It's really not that hard. Basic parenting on how to teach your child to navigate the adult world.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 23/03/2023 14:44

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 23/03/2023 14:21

Sorry - so it was wrong of OP's daughter to believe that this boy was making racist remarks, even though he has history of making racist remarks, because she didn't hear them this time, yeah?

But here we have a thread of (I assume) actual adults, piling on to call a 13 year old child a gobby sod, and making assumptions that she was in his face, with no actual evidence of this?

Jesus.

The OP called her own child a gobby sod. And no it’s not OK to aggressively confront someone based on total hearsay. Not ok at all.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 23/03/2023 14:46

Jonei · 23/03/2023 14:38

No it's fine for the ops daughter to believe that.

What's not fine is how she responded to it, which resulted in the injury of a child. The op herself described her own child as gobby.

What would have been the right course of action for the dilemma the ops child faced?

Hhm 🤔

A) Take matters into her own hands and confront child, with henchmen at her side, resulting in escalation and potential injury to either the accused or the accuser? Answer? No. ❌

B) Tell a teacher, get them to deal with it? Answer: Yes. ✅

It's really not that hard. Basic parenting on how to teach your child to navigate the adult world.

Show quote history

Exactly.
this is one of those life lessons whereby you realise actions have consequences. OP will do well to show her DD this is what being a gobby sod sometimes leads to.

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