Page 19 | Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

wasshereallywrong · 2023-03-22T20:37:37+00:00

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life. I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident... My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok. My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

FrippEnos · 23/03/2023 12:28

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 12:26

He 'had' to put his hands on her, did he? Jesus.

In the same way that the OP's DD had to get involved in something started from hearsay?

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 12:33

FrippEnos · 23/03/2023 12:28

In the same way that the OP's DD had to get involved in something started from hearsay?

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Confronting someone verbally over racist remarks that probably were made is the same as boys pushing girls around? Grown women defending violent behaviour by saying he 'had' to do it just says this thread is fucked really. I'm sure that kid will grow into a delightful man anyways.

Jonei · 23/03/2023 12:38

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 12:26

He 'had' to put his hands on her, did he? Jesus.

You think it was ok for him to get crowded in whilst some gobby girl screamed in his face (in the name of social justice) with her two henchmen by her side? Would you be just as happy with this if it was your boy? Or would you think he should try and get himself out of this aggressive situation that he had not created, yet found himself at the centre of?

Jonei · 23/03/2023 12:39

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 12:33

Confronting someone verbally over racist remarks that probably were made is the same as boys pushing girls around? Grown women defending violent behaviour by saying he 'had' to do it just says this thread is fucked really. I'm sure that kid will grow into a delightful man anyways.

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I'm not so sure the girl will if she carries on taking justice into her own hands

Prisoner cell block H springs to mind.

potniatheron · 23/03/2023 12:41

It's really interesting to see how we have come to such a pass where unsubstantiated rumours of racist language are deemed to be so heinous that physical violence is deemed not only to be warranted, but even praiseworthy.

It's like living in Mao's China on this thread

Sortyourlifeout · 23/03/2023 12:41

wasshereallywrong · 23/03/2023 09:53

I am also going to say one last time, she didn't tell her friends to fight him. She didn't go looking for him, she saw him and told him what he was saying was racist and he shouldn't use the n word. He then pushed her away. I don't think it's right that she took here say as fact. I do think she felt passionate about it because she is 13. Did she handle it like I would have? No. Did she want to cause a fight? I very much doubt it or she would have got into the altercation with him rather than trying to move away when he pushed her. I hasten to say here she has never ever been in a fist fight in her life. She didn't wind those boys up and release them on the poor little white boy. She moved away and then the fight happened. It is not right. I have told her it wasnt right and what she should have done. She is now serving her time and hopefully learning from it.

She sounds like a great kid! And you are doing a great job.

MeinKraft · 23/03/2023 12:41

SorryButThatsAFact · 23/03/2023 11:38

But she didn't. She instigated an incident that resulted in violence, based on ALLEGED racism. It's not confirmed. I'm not saying the boy was innocent, but we can't categorically state that he wasn't. Whereas the girl's actions are not in doubt.

Yes I agree, DD pre judged this boy and found him guilty before even talking about it with him. Not that it was anything to do with her anyway - it's for teachers to sort out. It's a totally different situation to actually hearing someone say something offensive and pulling them up in it.

FrippEnos · 23/03/2023 12:42

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 12:33

Confronting someone verbally over racist remarks that probably were made is the same as boys pushing girls around? Grown women defending violent behaviour by saying he 'had' to do it just says this thread is fucked really. I'm sure that kid will grow into a delightful man anyways.

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Yet you and others think that its OK to verbally abuse someone only on the basis of hearsay.
This wasn't just the OP's DD or did her two friends just happen to be arrive at just the right time.

sugarspices · 23/03/2023 12:43

@Jonei lol you're so dramatic. Of course prison springs to mind because a 13 year old bumped into someone who had apparently been racist (and who has a history of the same) and confronted them about it. Didn't respond to the provocation of a push (twice) and said she didn't want to fight. I can hear the clinking of handcuffs already!

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 12:52

FrippEnos · 23/03/2023 12:42

Yet you and others think that its OK to verbally abuse someone only on the basis of hearsay.
This wasn't just the OP's DD or did her two friends just happen to be arrive at just the right time.

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I think being confrontational is within the realms of normal behaviour for a teenager, I don't think resorting to violence is.

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 12:53

I think being confrontational is within the realms of normal behaviour for a teenager, I don't think resorting to violence is.

Especially boys resorting to violence against girls.

Jonei · 23/03/2023 12:53

sugarspices · 23/03/2023 12:43

@Jonei lol you're so dramatic. Of course prison springs to mind because a 13 year old bumped into someone who had apparently been racist (and who has a history of the same) and confronted them about it. Didn't respond to the provocation of a push (twice) and said she didn't want to fight. I can hear the clinking of handcuffs already!

I can't hear them at the moment. That will be later on if she carries on down this path. 👍

Jonei · 23/03/2023 12:55

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 12:52

I think being confrontational is within the realms of normal behaviour for a teenager, I don't think resorting to violence is.

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Tell that to the girls henchmen. Incitement to violence is never a good thing. And that boy was injured. That's not ok.

Jonei · 23/03/2023 12:56

Sortyourlifeout · 23/03/2023 12:41

She sounds like a great kid! And you are doing a great job.

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Great job of gearing herself up for a criminal record later down the road. Yay.

FrippEnos · 23/03/2023 12:56

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 12:52

I think being confrontational is within the realms of normal behaviour for a teenager, I don't think resorting to violence is.

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So you think that being verbally abusive based on hearsay is OK?

Jonei · 23/03/2023 12:57

potniatheron · 23/03/2023 12:41

It's really interesting to see how we have come to such a pass where unsubstantiated rumours of racist language are deemed to be so heinous that physical violence is deemed not only to be warranted, but even praiseworthy.

It's like living in Mao's China on this thread

It all has to start somewhere that's for sure.

Sallydimebar · 23/03/2023 12:58

“You think it was ok for him to get crowded in whilst some gobby girl screamed in his face (in the name of social justice) with her two henchmen by her side? Would you be just as happy with this if it was your boy? Or would you think he should try and get himself out of this aggressive situation that he had not created, yet found himself at the centre of”

The mind boggles it really does . There’s no way my 13yr old Ds would be encouraged to say excuse me ! With this behaviour around him . I always tell him to walk away, talk to me or teacher but him pushing past a female/ male who’s in his face shouting/ accusing him . No I would have no problem with .

Op talks very highly of Dds friends, these friends think it’s perfectly acceptable to go and beat a boy up injuring him . Their behaviour is no better then the boy who they attacked.

The sad ,tragic killing of 12 yr old Ava white in Liverpool shows how nasty things can turn over the littlest of things and that was over something being said or supposedly said this is exactly why I drum it in to my Ds to just walk away, teaching him to control his emotions and tell somebody be the problem with him or his friends.

Logicoutofthewindow · 23/03/2023 13:00

It's great that she called it out. It's not so great that she used vigilant type behaviour and challenged him. This would lead to conflict and escalation.

The school would then be able to deal with his behaviour alone which was wrong but now they also have to deal with your DD and the other 2 friends for assault. Makes it harder to deal with and the initial issue gets a bit lost.

Well done daughter for recognising it was wrong but next time tell the teacher and let them sort it out.

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:02

So you think that being verbally abusive based on hearsay is OK?

Yes I think confronting someone over racist language is fine tbh. Sounds probable that racist language was indeed used. Like I say, he could have just said 'nah I didn't say that.'

Jonei · 23/03/2023 13:03

Sallydimebar · 23/03/2023 12:58

“You think it was ok for him to get crowded in whilst some gobby girl screamed in his face (in the name of social justice) with her two henchmen by her side? Would you be just as happy with this if it was your boy? Or would you think he should try and get himself out of this aggressive situation that he had not created, yet found himself at the centre of”

The mind boggles it really does . There’s no way my 13yr old Ds would be encouraged to say excuse me ! With this behaviour around him . I always tell him to walk away, talk to me or teacher but him pushing past a female/ male who’s in his face shouting/ accusing him . No I would have no problem with .

Op talks very highly of Dds friends, these friends think it’s perfectly acceptable to go and beat a boy up injuring him . Their behaviour is no better then the boy who they attacked.

The sad ,tragic killing of 12 yr old Ava white in Liverpool shows how nasty things can turn over the littlest of things and that was over something being said or supposedly said this is exactly why I drum it in to my Ds to just walk away, teaching him to control his emotions and tell somebody be the problem with him or his friends.

Yes it's frightening for our boys that parents of some girls actively encourage this violent aggressive behaviour towards them. In the name of social justice and calling it out. Even with no evidence. The punishment should be harsh and meaningful for anyone who behaves in this manner.

ThreeblackCats · 23/03/2023 13:04

Being a vigilante doesn’t make your daughter in the right!

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:05

The violent behaviour started with the boy pushing the girl. But he 'had to' didn't he? 🙄

sugarspices · 23/03/2023 13:06

@FrippEnos where are you getting this "verbally abusive" part from? According to OP she told them that using the N word was racist and wrong, and she probably was heated. I don't see any abuse there? Being "heated" does not make something automatically verbally abusive.

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:06

Just so you all know, if your kids are ever bullied it will be the type of boy described by the OP who is doing it. We all knew at least one.

Jonei · 23/03/2023 13:06

AllOfThemWitches · 23/03/2023 13:05

The violent behaviour started with the boy pushing the girl. But he 'had to' didn't he? 🙄

The aggressive behaviour that led to this boy getting hurt was gobby girl screaming in his face. He is the victim here. Not her. If you think that's ok, you're part of the problem.