Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

[wasshereallywrong]

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

She didn't do anything wrong. The boys who attacked him did though. Good for her

Why is that whenever accusations of “racism” are made people lose all logical thought

Erm coz racism is dangerous.

And so it needs to be dealt with properly. Gobby little sods starting a mini riot is not the way to do it.

So you admit to being illogical?

On that basis it would be completely fine for the mob to give you a kicking if someone made an unsubstantiated racism allegation against you?

The girl has been criticised and insulted on here more than the racist, violent little twat who started the whole thing (yes, I'm taking OP at face value as I knew boys exactly like this when I was at school).

Ultimately, she's on the right side and if he continues to use racist slurs he'll end up getting attacked by someone bigger and scarier eventually.

Well this escalated quickly. What a bizarre thread.

Have people actually come across teens recently? Teens have altercations at school all the time. Every day in fact. Most teens revert to being overgrown toddlers and are pains in the bum. Every person involved in this was wrong on some level and the school are teaching them this in the correct way as is there job. Isolation is pretty much a giant naught step. I bet op dd will actually enjoy a day in isolation to be honest. It’s not prison for goodness sake. Most teens spend the day reading or chilling out and in my experience the teachers in there are really nice.
People on here act like a school yard scuffle is some sort of major crime.

yes op needs to reign in her dds gobby behaviour. Yes racism is totally wrong. Yes violence is wrong and these days with teens it can lead to disastrous consequences. But teens make mistakes. There is no need for this outrage and over reaction.

Funnily enough, no one has ever ever accused me of racism. I believe this kid was probably using racist language and that's why people were saying it.

I am also going to say one last time, she didn't tell her friends to fight him. She didn't go looking for him, she saw him and told him what he was saying was racist and he shouldn't use the n word. He then pushed her away. I don't think it's right that she took here say as fact. I do think she felt passionate about it because she is 13. Did she handle it like I would have? No. Did she want to cause a fight? I very much doubt it or she would have got into the altercation with him rather than trying to move away when he pushed her. I hasten to say here she has never ever been in a fist fight in her life. She didn't wind those boys up and release them on the poor little white boy. She moved away and then the fight happened. It is not right. I have told her it wasnt right and what she should have done. She is now serving her time and hopefully learning from it.

YANBU she called him out , rightfully, for being racist, he assaulted her, twice, and someone else best him up for it.

I think the boys motives for the fight are relevant here too.

Did the fight happen because he was racist towards them, or because he was aggressive towards their friend?

There's been a few assumptions that the girl wound them up to the point of them getting physical, and we just don't know if that's true.

Nah, her mates did it for her, after she harassed him and wouldn't leave him alone. In the real world they call that behaviour incitement to violence. Which is a punishable crime. I believe the ops daughter discovered this lesson.

wasshereallywrong

There will be a next time because that is who this boy is.

There will only be a next time if your DD continues to handle this in the wrong way because she continues to choose to be involved.

Or because they don't like him and wanted an excuse to beat him up.

Oh you don't agree. Is logic not your thing?

So you think that all racism allegations are automatically true, even when there is no evidence?

Or because they don't like him and wanted an excuse to beat him up.

They had the 'excuse' when he was (or, if they didn't hear it themselves, told he was) racist towards them.

Well it was to that boy. It caused an unprovoked attack with no evidence whatsoever.

It would seem so. So if someone goes and punches AllOfThemWitches because they've decided she's a racist, then AllOfThemWitches will think that's ok.

Lol

Redkettle “She didn't do anything wrong. The boys who attacked him did though. Good for her”

You wouldn’t have a problem then someone coming up in your face accusing you of racism through hearsay ?
while getting her two friends mad , angry and aggressive with her “hobby mouth” they felt the need to go and cause injury to another pupil with no evidence of him saying this .

How have her actions solved anything. This has risk now of escalating more from boy who was beat up and his friends. This was not the way to go about it as school know and are taking action. You can’t go round school beating kids up because they may of said something. Exactly why school are in the mess they are with attitudes like this .

What is actually far worse than a 13 year old, who hopefully will learn a lesson from this, is the amount of presumably adults on here, potentially raising / have raised the next generation of children, and thinking that the girls behaviour is ok and somehow justified. Those adults need to take a long hard look at themselves.

I'm just adding to your list of possible reasons.

But if he didn't say it they don't have their reason especially if he was with people that could prove that he didn't say it.

This gives them a reason to do it when everyone else is witnessing the event.

I think for me if all 4 involved were sanctioned in some way I would leave it.

If only your dd is sanctioned then I would be expressing huge concerns and request a meeting.

I would also be having some long conversations with my dd about how to best and productively put my point across.

Or yours by the sounds of it !