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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

738 replies

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:37

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 23/03/2023 00:09

So if someone gets angry about Louise Casey's report and punches a met police officer, do we blame Louise Casey for starting it? Or do we blame the person who actually committed the assault?

I appreciate that Louise Casey had a lot better evidence than OPs daughter, but in any situation it isn't justified to respond to words with violence, whether the words are true or not.

sunmonlight · 23/03/2023 00:09

She perhaps didn't go the "right" way about it, but I would fully support my DC if they did this.

I think a full day exclusion is unfair.

LuluBlakey1 · 23/03/2023 00:10

GoldZip · 22/03/2023 20:41

I'd expect all parties to have some sort of sanction and there to be an investigation into the allegation of racism, but she should have reported rather than creating the situation she did, so yes, a one day internal exclusion seems reasonable

^^ This.

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 00:12

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 22/03/2023 22:05

OP needs to go into the school or actually talk to the head and get all the facts about what actually happened and her daughter's actions.

We can all froth all we want for the next 20 pages, based on third hand half info, but then we're just like the kids in the playground really.

^^ this

It's naive to take a teenager's (or anyone's really) account as 100% accurate when they have been reprimanded and may be trying to put a positive spin on their involvement and actions. OP needs to have a discussion with the school to get their take and to hopefully find out what really happened. IME schools try to stay fairly neutral sorting this kind of thing out but will come down hard on racism and bullying. It may turn out that the OP's DD's version is correct but she doesn't know that atm.

There are some people on here who are taking 2nd and 3rd hand information as gospel.

Newhousewhodis · 23/03/2023 00:13

StayBased · 22/03/2023 23:34

If only they helped you make it out of school with the ability to read critically. OP admits her daughter didn’t directly hear the boy say anything racist.

Show quote history

@ashitghost’s DN (not DD, my error) was reacting to a shy girl being called a black c*. This resonated with me, as a Black woman who attended a racist school. I was responding to her, not the OP. You should understand how the quote function works, as you just used it.

If you had the ability to read at all, you’d have seen what I was replying to and not written that irrelevant nonsense. Kindly piss off.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 23/03/2023 00:13

Proper little drama llama isn't she?

PetalLeaves · 23/03/2023 00:13

Good on her!

Sushi4Dins · 23/03/2023 00:19

StayBased · 22/03/2023 23:34

If only they helped you make it out of school with the ability to read critically. OP admits her daughter didn’t directly hear the boy say anything racist.

Show quote history

Wow! This wasn’t to the OP. It was CLEARLY a response to another poster.

A POC is talking about making it through a school where she was subjected to racist abuse and you decide to (wrongly) jump in and critique her reading comprehension? When you’re the one who read incorrectly?

You are so keen to attack the OP’s daughter and defend racists that you are misreading people’s posts, dismissing and trivialising their experiences of racism and just generally being horrible. What is wrong with you?!

Sillymummy295 · 23/03/2023 00:30

Let me speak on this as a black person. Racists absolutely should get punched in the face every single time they utter a racist word, your daughter handled it correctly and I'd be so proud if she was mine. Before anyone says violence isn't the answer, it absolutely is, not one "right" was gained by being a pacifist, it was gained by violence.
People of colour have been talking and complaining nothing has changed.
Schools can't even deal with bullying and sexual abuse going on they will handle the racism in exactly the same way
Always do the right thing no matter what

PinkSyCo · 23/03/2023 00:37

Sillymummy295 · 23/03/2023 00:30

Let me speak on this as a black person. Racists absolutely should get punched in the face every single time they utter a racist word, your daughter handled it correctly and I'd be so proud if she was mine. Before anyone says violence isn't the answer, it absolutely is, not one "right" was gained by being a pacifist, it was gained by violence.
People of colour have been talking and complaining nothing has changed.
Schools can't even deal with bullying and sexual abuse going on they will handle the racism in exactly the same way
Always do the right thing no matter what

Well done on choosing an appropriate user name. 👏🏼 👏🏼

Whenharrymetsmelly · 23/03/2023 00:40

Not wrong at all, and the racist kid deserved a good hiding. Maybe he'll think twice next time. I'd be proud of her

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 00:48

The only thing that the OP knows for sure is that she received a voice message from the headteacher which presumably said that her daughter was going to be excluded.

Phoebo · 23/03/2023 00:49

StayBased · 23/03/2023 00:01

You’re obviously very naïve. School kids regularly fabricate racism allegations so they have an excuse to bully others.

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Hilarious, yes people pretend someone is being racist so they can bully them Hmm Gosh, now I've heard it all!

Eyerollcentral · 23/03/2023 00:58

Sillymummy295 · 23/03/2023 00:30

Let me speak on this as a black person. Racists absolutely should get punched in the face every single time they utter a racist word, your daughter handled it correctly and I'd be so proud if she was mine. Before anyone says violence isn't the answer, it absolutely is, not one "right" was gained by being a pacifist, it was gained by violence.
People of colour have been talking and complaining nothing has changed.
Schools can't even deal with bullying and sexual abuse going on they will handle the racism in exactly the same way
Always do the right thing no matter what

What do you think about a white child winding up two black boys to do the punching whilst scuttling off saying I don’t want to fight you to the alleged racist?

Sillymummy295 · 23/03/2023 00:59

Eyerollcentral · 22/03/2023 22:15

That’s what she would tell her mother though. I would love to be a fly on the wall for the school chat tomorrow. I would put money on the mouth being a lot less Gandhi than the OP would like to believe. My concern here really is the two black boys actually in trouble as a result of her antics. No one has picked up on the daughter’s white saviourism which has back fired massively on the actual victims of racism. Most boys who will push a girl still won’t hit her, they will square up to another boy though. As the OP’s daughter knew.

Show quote history

Ghandi was a violent racist though

Eyerollcentral · 23/03/2023 01:02

Sillymummy295 · 23/03/2023 00:59

Ghandi was a violent racist though

Show quote history

Mind truly blown that’s your take away from my post.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/03/2023 01:05

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:46

This isn't the first time he has used the word, I agree she should have maybe spoken to a teacher and was a bit hot headed but she is 13 and doesn't always think, like any 13 year old!

And what's his punishment for using racist language and pushing your daughter twice?

Newhousewhodis · 23/03/2023 01:06

She didn’t even leave the first time she was pushed.

This, to you, isn’t victim blaming @Eyerollcentral? Whatever the other factors at play, your issue is with the girl who was pushed not leaving, not the boy doing the pushing…doing the pushing?

Floppyelf · 23/03/2023 01:06

I am glad that in a thread full of racist apologists, your daughter (a child) has a better moral compass. Using racist language is a criminal offence in the UK. Get her to get the person who heard the racist language to make an actual police report. The police force will try to fob it off into a schools officer but as victims and witnesses, you have a right to dispute lack of progress in an investigation. A police report against the suspect will also help defend your daughter( ie. She did not lay a finger on him but witnessed him breaching the peace.

its all about how crafty you are.

Sillymummy295 · 23/03/2023 01:09

PinkSyCo · 23/03/2023 00:37

Well done on choosing an appropriate user name. 👏🏼 👏🏼

Show quote history

WoW edgy

Floppyelf · 23/03/2023 01:09

You also need to go guns blazing, your daughter was assaulted. She did not allow him to touch her( he pushed her- this at the very least is common assault but it won’t go anywhere without an injury). Thats two police reports against the racist.

Mamaneedsadrink · 23/03/2023 01:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Floppyelf · 23/03/2023 01:10

If the school is aware that they cannot claim one narrative against your child, they will back down. Talk to safeguarding lead.

Sillymummy295 · 23/03/2023 01:10

Eyerollcentral · 23/03/2023 00:58

What do you think about a white child winding up two black boys to do the punching whilst scuttling off saying I don’t want to fight you to the alleged racist?

Show quote history

Did it hurt reaching so hard ?

Eyerollcentral · 23/03/2023 01:10

Newhousewhodis · 23/03/2023 01:06

She didn’t even leave the first time she was pushed.

This, to you, isn’t victim blaming @Eyerollcentral? Whatever the other factors at play, your issue is with the girl who was pushed not leaving, not the boy doing the pushing…doing the pushing?

‘Victim blaming’. It really aggravates me when this is thrown around casually when actual victims of actual crimes are blamed routinely. It demeans the entire phrase. Who is the victim here? Is it the two black kids now probably suspended from school after the girl started a fight and ran off? Is it the boy who got punched? I don’t think she is a victim here. I think she has been correctly identified by the school as the instigator of a serious incident. Anyone who touched another pupil must be punished, that goes without saying. It also goes without saying that the one who kicked off the row should also be punished. Nothing worse than a rabble rouser getting everyone all riled up and then holding their hands up saying nothing to do with me.