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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

738 replies

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:37

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 22/03/2023 23:17

This reeks of sexism - boys get into a fight, girl who touched noone gets accused of causing it? What bullshit!

If she was abusive to the boy then she should be punished for that, eg with a detention. But she is in no way responsible for the fight.

Sallydimebar · 22/03/2023 23:17

“Look, I get it, she's your daughter and you'll only see the good in her but if my kid was beaten up at school over hearsay I'd be beyond furious and I'd want your daughter punished. Consider yourself as the other parent, how would you feel if your daughter was beaten up at school? I know that I'd be almost murderous!”

fully agree with this .

AllOfThemWitches · 22/03/2023 23:21

Tut OP you should have known that people on here would jump at the chance to slag off your young daughter and make her out to be as demonic as possible.

ReadersD1gest · 22/03/2023 23:23

AllOfThemWitches · 22/03/2023 23:21

Tut OP you should have known that people on here would jump at the chance to slag off your young daughter and make her out to be as demonic as possible.

Nobody has done any such thing.

ashitghost · 22/03/2023 23:25

My niece is 14 and was telling me about this awful racist girl in her year who thinks she’s hard as nails. She called a little shy girl a black cunt, so my DN chinned her right there and then. I asked why and she said the wee girl was never going to be able to sort this herself and neither were the teachers, so she figured she’d do it.

Newhousewhodis · 22/03/2023 23:27

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 21:09

@nokidshere weirdly she can have male friends. The 2 lads that punched him were her friends who he had been using the n word about

What’s happening to them and what’s happening to the little racist shit? Is everyone being punished?

Mamanyt · 22/03/2023 23:28

She's 13 years old. Kids that age are not known for sterling decisions, people. She was upset over racism. She made a poor choice. She SHOULD have made sure of the veracity of the accusations. She SHOULD have handled it through a responsible adult. But...she is 13 years old. She doesn't have the life experience for that yet.

Now, OP, when you go to the school, I'd make very plain that your daughter's actions came from a place of deep caring, although her solution was wrong. Tell them that you will talk with her about appropriate responses to things like this. Tell them that you will support their decisions, and explain the "whys" to your daughter.

Then tell your daughter that you are so proud of her for standing up to injustice, and give her better tools to work with. And remind her that anger in response to anger will NEVER change the wrong-doer's mind.

AND...when she is a few years older, and more experienced, you can also tell her that sometimes, you have to get into "good trouble," such as when the racism is happening right in front of you. And that you always support her, if not her actions.

Newhousewhodis · 22/03/2023 23:29

ashitghost · 22/03/2023 23:25

My niece is 14 and was telling me about this awful racist girl in her year who thinks she’s hard as nails. She called a little shy girl a black cunt, so my DN chinned her right there and then. I asked why and she said the wee girl was never going to be able to sort this herself and neither were the teachers, so she figured she’d do it.

I had a couple of mates like your daughter at school and they’re the only reason I made it out of that nasty racist shithole with my sanity relatively intact. So, please give her a cuddle from me.

PomonaPomona · 22/03/2023 23:33

If I were the parent of the child who was attacked by the other two, I'd be pushing for the permanent exclusion of both of the vigilante children and the thuggish child who seemingly has them wrapped around her little finger and is able to whip them into a frenzy based on rumour and hearsay.

Absolutely disgraceful. I hope the boy poor who was attacked is okay and that his parents are going to press charges against the others.

StayBased · 22/03/2023 23:34

Newhousewhodis · 22/03/2023 23:29

I had a couple of mates like your daughter at school and they’re the only reason I made it out of that nasty racist shithole with my sanity relatively intact. So, please give her a cuddle from me.

Show quote history

If only they helped you make it out of school with the ability to read critically. OP admits her daughter didn’t directly hear the boy say anything racist.

WandaWonder · 22/03/2023 23:34

Mamanyt · 22/03/2023 23:28

She's 13 years old. Kids that age are not known for sterling decisions, people. She was upset over racism. She made a poor choice. She SHOULD have made sure of the veracity of the accusations. She SHOULD have handled it through a responsible adult. But...she is 13 years old. She doesn't have the life experience for that yet.

Now, OP, when you go to the school, I'd make very plain that your daughter's actions came from a place of deep caring, although her solution was wrong. Tell them that you will talk with her about appropriate responses to things like this. Tell them that you will support their decisions, and explain the "whys" to your daughter.

Then tell your daughter that you are so proud of her for standing up to injustice, and give her better tools to work with. And remind her that anger in response to anger will NEVER change the wrong-doer's mind.

AND...when she is a few years older, and more experienced, you can also tell her that sometimes, you have to get into "good trouble," such as when the racism is happening right in front of you. And that you always support her, if not her actions.

How was the racism happening in front of her?

MagnificentDelurker · 22/03/2023 23:37

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:37

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

The racist boy started a major incident by pushing her.

obviously the children who hurt him are even more responsible as they have caused harm.

most of all school is the main culprit for ignoring racism. I am sure they were aware and decided to turn a blind eye.

kudos to your daughter for standing up to bullies and also controlling her own behaviour.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 22/03/2023 23:37

Unless she heard it straight from his mouth, she should of kept her mouth shut. She initiated an incident which led to the lad being hurt. About time she learnt from this.

PomonaPomona · 22/03/2023 23:37

WandaWonder · 22/03/2023 23:34

How was the racism happening in front of her?

Show quote history

The white child being attacked by 2 black children, presumably?

And the OP's daughter instigated it.

Mamanyt · 22/03/2023 23:39

WandaWonder · 22/03/2023 23:34

How was the racism happening in front of her?

Show quote history

That isn't what I said, I said "WHEN" the racism is happening in front of her.

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/03/2023 23:39

@StayBased she didn't hear the boy on this occasion no but she has heard him say it previously on multiple occasions.

If there is a thug in the school known for mouthing off racist slurs then why the hell would she not believe that he had done so once again?

And the fact that this has clearly been going on for some time and the school have failed to prevent further incidents does result in kids taking matters into their own hands!

If the school want kids to come to them about such issues then they need to prove to the kids it's taken seriously and racist bullying thugs dealt with properly.

grumpycow1 · 22/03/2023 23:40

YANBU and you should fight this. Threaten to go to the press!

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/03/2023 23:43

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 22/03/2023 23:37

Unless she heard it straight from his mouth, she should of kept her mouth shut. She initiated an incident which led to the lad being hurt. About time she learnt from this.

No keeping her mouth shut it what allows racism, sexism, homophobia and the likes to become normalised and a poison in society. Calling it out for what it is is impactful and works.
Whether or not she heard him this time is irrelevant. He has form for this and it sounds like she has witnessed his vile racism in the past. Calling him out on it is therefore not wrong

Howdoesitworkagain · 22/03/2023 23:47

If it’s all as you’ve said, I actually think she’s been amazing. Standing up to racism yet not punching the twat that pushed her is commendable. I would absolutely be advocating for her but would of course be interested to hear why the head thinks it’s punishable and go from there.

iaapap · 22/03/2023 23:49

I'd tell them she didn't instigate it. It was instigated by the person who used the racist word.

barmycatmum · 22/03/2023 23:52

She’s not wrong. I’d be proud of her. The school needs to look harder at their racism problem and address it.

memorial · 22/03/2023 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LaBellina · 22/03/2023 23:55

Your daughter and her friends behaved like bullies and it’s only right they are getting into trouble for it.

She heard from someone else that he had been using racist language, she had no idea if he actually had, then decided to confront him in front of other people (why?) and when he denied it and tried to get away, he was assaulted by two of her friends.

If that were my son I would campaign for getting your daughter expelled from the school.

Eyerollcentral · 22/03/2023 23:58

iaapap · 22/03/2023 23:49

I'd tell them she didn't instigate it. It was instigated by the person who used the racist word.

She didn’t hear him use any racist language though. She started a row over a rumour. Starting rows over rumours is never a good idea or indeed anything to be cheering. It’s a license to vigilantism and mob rule, which seems to be ignored here.

StayBased · 23/03/2023 00:01

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/03/2023 23:43

No keeping her mouth shut it what allows racism, sexism, homophobia and the likes to become normalised and a poison in society. Calling it out for what it is is impactful and works.
Whether or not she heard him this time is irrelevant. He has form for this and it sounds like she has witnessed his vile racism in the past. Calling him out on it is therefore not wrong

Show quote history

You’re obviously very naïve. School kids regularly fabricate racism allegations so they have an excuse to bully others.