Page 10 | Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

wasshereallywrong · 2023-03-22T20:37:37+00:00

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life. I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident... My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok. My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

Elvis1956 · 22/03/2023 22:35

Op.you seem to have left the thread. Can I ask that you come back tomorrow once you have possibly seen the cctv and spoken to the head?

ThuMuClu · 22/03/2023 22:38

My son has done similar things, all to him very justified. He has ADHD and no risk assessment / impulse control! It’s a good quality to speak out for others but needs to be channeled otherwise it does come across as rabble rousing, as I have tried at length to explain to DS.

neilyoungismyhero · 22/03/2023 22:38

Her friends pulled the trigger but she loaded the gun.

LuluLehman · 22/03/2023 22:39

slipperypenguin · 22/03/2023 20:40

Could she not have approached a teacher to tell them rather than trying to take it into her own hands? Also just because someone told her he said this doesn't mean it's necessarily true - plenty kids make up stuff about others in schools.

I think if your daughter was there and heard it first hand then yes, it would be admirable that she spoke up and said something and didn't watch it happen. But it sounds like she's just a bit of a busy body who likes to rush around and pull people up in the name of "being gobby".

But the boy pushed her twice - even when she said she wasn't going to fight.

sugarspices · 22/03/2023 22:39

@Eyerollcentral I do agree that she didn't deal with what she was told appropriately and shouldn't have confronted the boy, however I do not agree that therefore anything that happens after that point is her fault. Every person in that situation had a decision to make about their own actions, and they all decided poorly.

You've said previously that this isn't a feminist issue however your repeated use of the word "mouth" to describe OPs daughter is telling.

You also said that she was lucky not to be punched for her intervention. Women (or people generally) should be empowered to use their words and are not "lucky" not be physically attacked as a result. It is a basic expectation to be able to express yourself without being on the receiving end of violence.

You have also repeatedly sought to blame her for every dimension of this situation. It seems that you just don't like it that OPs daughter has a lot to say, which is ironic considering how much you like to add your voice to matters.

redmillhouse · 22/03/2023 22:40

Your daughter is being punished, for the action of accusing and publicly calling out someone on hearsay. FULL STOP
It doesn't matter what happened next, she can't necessarily control that, but she can her own actions.
The lesson she needs to learn is to not accuse without first hand knowledge.

LuluLehman · 22/03/2023 22:40

Team dd.

StayBased · 22/03/2023 22:41

LuluLehman · 22/03/2023 22:40

Team dd.

Not team critical thinking, evidently

Mildred007 · 22/03/2023 22:42

Puppers · 22/03/2023 21:11

I would challenge the school on this and I'd escalate it (via appropriate channels) if needs be.

She didn't initiate the incident. She was not the person who first laid hands on someone - that was the boy who pushed her. She then walked away. What happened after that was not of her doing. Violent actions are the fault of the person committing them.

Everybody needs punishing for what they actually did.

First boy needs punishing for repeatedly using racial slurs (if there is actually evidence that this happened) and for pushing your daughter.

Your daughter needs punishing for running her mouth and making very serious accusations without actually having any evidence of wrongdoing. Also for not going via appropriate channels to report it.

The two boys need punishing for their violence that resulted in someone being hurt.

I would not accept my daughter being punished for anything more than what she actually did and I'd want assurances that the boy who physically assaulted her was being dealt with.

This!

FixitJesus · 22/03/2023 22:43

OP, your daughter initiated a humiliating, public confrontation. She set out to do it. She had to think about it and find the boy

Exactly. Where's her actual proof he said it either? She went after someone over hearsay.

You should probably try to reign in her 'gob' before she messes with the wrong person one day.

SorryButThatsAFact · 22/03/2023 22:44

You are absolutely being unreasonable.

"She was told" that he was using the N word. By whom? And was it the truth? Or did she just take it upon herself to confront him about it, when it was absolutely none of her business? There were several more mature ways to deal with this, and she chose none of them.

EmmiJay · 22/03/2023 22:45

If the boy did say it, your daughter is a gem who needs to be protected at all costs, and the boy deserves any walloping he got. Hopefully, it's taught him to mind his mouth. Hope you straighten it all out with the head and your DD doesn't get into too much trouble!

LuluLehman · 22/03/2023 22:47

StayBased · 22/03/2023 22:41

Not team critical thinking, evidently

Show quote history

And your response is evidence of membership of said team? If so, It is a club I am quite happy to be excluded from, thanks.

Eyerollcentral · 22/03/2023 22:50

sugarspices · 22/03/2023 22:39

@Eyerollcentral I do agree that she didn't deal with what she was told appropriately and shouldn't have confronted the boy, however I do not agree that therefore anything that happens after that point is her fault. Every person in that situation had a decision to make about their own actions, and they all decided poorly.

You've said previously that this isn't a feminist issue however your repeated use of the word "mouth" to describe OPs daughter is telling.

You also said that she was lucky not to be punched for her intervention. Women (or people generally) should be empowered to use their words and are not "lucky" not be physically attacked as a result. It is a basic expectation to be able to express yourself without being on the receiving end of violence.

You have also repeatedly sought to blame her for every dimension of this situation. It seems that you just don't like it that OPs daughter has a lot to say, which is ironic considering how much you like to add your voice to matters.

She is a mouth. I would call a boy or man a mouth too, in fact here it’s more usually applied to a man in my experience. A mouth is another word for a gobby person. It isn’t a feminist issue. She hasn’t been punished for speaking up as a girl. She has been punished for starting a row which led to a physical fight.
‘You also said that she was lucky not to be punched for her intervention. Women (or people generally) should be empowered to use their words and are not "lucky" not be physically attacked as a result. It is a basic expectation to be able to express yourself without being on the receiving end of violence’ ANYONE starting a row is ‘lucky not to be punched’ because getting in someone’s face often results in a punch in real life. I didn’t say she deserved a punch or a slap. I said she was lucky it didn’t happen because that’s a reasonably forseeable consequence of getting in someone’s face and calling them a racist in a playground. I really wonder if some of you live in the real world. The girl could have easily used her words to report what she heard to a teacher. She didn’t. She decided to start a row.
‘You have also repeatedly sought to blame her for every dimension of this situation. It seems that you just don't like it that OPs daughter has a lot to say, which is ironic considering how much you like to add your voice to matters.’ No I haven’t. If you read what I said you will see I have repeatedly said that she is responsible for starting a row out of nothing and has been punished accordingly. She acted on rumour to start a row. She should be punished. She isn’t being punished for speaking up as a girl. She has been punished because she started a row which resulted in a serious incident. Actions, including slabbering at someone in a playground, have consequences. The fight would have been highly unlikely to have happened if she had not started the verbal row. Surely you can see that?

FoxCorner · 22/03/2023 22:52

FixitJesus · 22/03/2023 22:43

OP, your daughter initiated a humiliating, public confrontation. She set out to do it. She had to think about it and find the boy

Exactly. Where's her actual proof he said it either? She went after someone over hearsay.

You should probably try to reign in her 'gob' before she messes with the wrong person one day.

I agree. Someone could have easily made it up that he used the N word to cause drama. She didn't hear it herself and wasn't there

Bookworms77 · 22/03/2023 22:55

I remember girls like this at school. They loved to start and be involved in drama. They would use the pretence of doing the right thing or sticking up for people but in reality they were stirring the pot and getting off on the drama. They would encourage more vulnerable students to confront others and cause fights and they would back away while enjoying the scene. They were always so ‘innocent’ and ‘just doing the right thing’ when punishments were dished out. I would describe them as gobby looking back.

I would be very upset if this was my dd op and I’d be quick to nip this behaviour in the bud.

There were lots of wrongs in this situation and your dd was part of that.

I have to say these ‘gobby’ teens did not go on to become adults who did the right thing or adults who called out hate and made changes. They never learnt the correct and powerful way to speak up. They just became drama loving adults.

There are ways to call out hate and make an impact and this is not the way.
The pp who say she will grow up to work in human rights etc well maybe but she needs to learn the correct way to voice your concerns and call out unacceptable behaviour. She will not learn this unless the op supports the school and teaches this life lesson. We cannot go round confronting people in an aggressive and dramatic manner no matter what they may or may not have done. This is a recipe for trouble not change.

This was not her fight to fight anyway and she needs to know that her actions have made matters worse.

StayBased · 22/03/2023 22:59

I feel sorry for her future boyfriends. She’s gonna get them boxed up.

Hunter2501 · 22/03/2023 23:01

I’d say she’s 100% in the wrong. I’m totally against racism but if my child was assaulted by two other pupils because a gobby 13year old heard a rumour and acted on it I would be pushing for more than a day in internal exclusion. An adult can investigate and come to a reasonable judgement on what has happened (not matter how teenagers lie!)
Sounds like she whipped up a frenzy in a place which should be calm and safe. She is in the wrong, you trying to prove she isn’t won’t help her. She needs to accept what she has done and do better next time.

PinkSyCo · 22/03/2023 23:03

So your DD riled her friends up by telling them that this kid had used racist words against them (even though she hadn’t actually heard him use these words herself). Then she mob handedly accosts the ‘culprit’, mouths off at him and what, you expect her to be looked upon as little miss innocent because she stepped back and let her friends be the ones to throw the punches at him. Your daughter is a trouble maker and a bully OP. You must be so proud.

Eyerollcentral · 22/03/2023 23:04

Bookworms77 · 22/03/2023 22:55

I remember girls like this at school. They loved to start and be involved in drama. They would use the pretence of doing the right thing or sticking up for people but in reality they were stirring the pot and getting off on the drama. They would encourage more vulnerable students to confront others and cause fights and they would back away while enjoying the scene. They were always so ‘innocent’ and ‘just doing the right thing’ when punishments were dished out. I would describe them as gobby looking back.

I would be very upset if this was my dd op and I’d be quick to nip this behaviour in the bud.

There were lots of wrongs in this situation and your dd was part of that.

I have to say these ‘gobby’ teens did not go on to become adults who did the right thing or adults who called out hate and made changes. They never learnt the correct and powerful way to speak up. They just became drama loving adults.

There are ways to call out hate and make an impact and this is not the way.
The pp who say she will grow up to work in human rights etc well maybe but she needs to learn the correct way to voice your concerns and call out unacceptable behaviour. She will not learn this unless the op supports the school and teaches this life lesson. We cannot go round confronting people in an aggressive and dramatic manner no matter what they may or may not have done. This is a recipe for trouble not change.

This was not her fight to fight anyway and she needs to know that her actions have made matters worse.

This post resonates so much with me. My experience of some girls at school was the same. 13 is peak age for this kind of behaviour. There are many people on this thread who have lost touch with the reality of 13 year old hobby school girls.

OhcantthInkofaname · 22/03/2023 23:06

She probably should have went to a teacher about the incident. But if history shows that the teachers or school staff ignore behaviors like this she might have thought she had to handle it herself. She merely told him to stop it he is the one who started the physical action by pushing her. As you explained she did not do anything physical just verbal.

Mamai90 · 22/03/2023 23:07

I'd love to hear the boys parents side of the story.

You really need to take off the rose tinted specs OP. I knew kids like your daughter at school, she's a boxer so other kids know she can handle herself, they know she can scrap so she doesn't need to raise her fists just her voice and other kids back her up.

If she truly genuinely cared she'd have gone about this the right way but she sounds like she loves a bit of drama. She didn't even hear the boy in question use racial slurs.

Look, I get it, she's your daughter and you'll only see the good in her but if my kid was beaten up at school over hearsay I'd be beyond furious and I'd want your daughter punished. Consider yourself as the other parent, how would you feel if your daughter was beaten up at school? I know that I'd be almost murderous!

Sallydimebar · 22/03/2023 23:08

Agree fully with the school here .
All she’s done is get her two friends in trouble she lit the match walked off while it all blew up .

How has she called out any racism here , she didn’t hear him say it . You also can’t accuse people of being racist because of previous poor behaviour.( I know the trouble makers in my sons year but I couldn’t accuse them of being likely to say something like this ) You admit your Dd doesn’t have the best record . How would you feel if she got punched/ hurt through hearsay .

I would support the school in your position and teach your Dd on how to control her emotions.

ReadersD1gest · 22/03/2023 23:09

This boy is known for being trouble
As is your dd, it would seem.
Utter shit stirring, deciding to confront the boy herself based on hearsay rather than report him.

Jonei · 22/03/2023 23:16

She didn't hear him say it so she shouldn't publicly be calling him out for something she has no evidence for.

If she has concerns she should have spoken to a teacher.

I appreciate she's only 13 and still learning.