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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop doing DH's washing til he learns to wipe his arse?!

397 replies

AtTheEndOfMyWick · 22/03/2023 07:48

DH and I have a pretty even split of household chores, washing is my job as 1) he doesn't know how to do it and 2) I actually quite enjoy it (until it comes to putting clean clothes away but that's another story...)

We have 3 DC, ages 2, 4 and 6. So doing the washing for everyone is a pretty full on job. DH seems incapable of two things which make it harder for me - firstly he rarely empties his pockets, which I've warned him about so many times.

But the second thing- I have no idea how to approach with him. He has the world's worst skid marks in every single pair of boxers. I just don't understand. Our 2 eldest kids appear to be better at wiping their arsed than he is. It seems to have gotten worse in recent months and its at the point now where I'm sometimes greeted by inside out shit smeared undies when I open the laundry basket, and almost throw up.

Needless to say I've got a case of the ick and can't imagine doing anything close to sex with him as it stands. The whole thing just turns my stomach and I'm sick of it.

What do I do?! How do I approach this with him? Honestly at my wit's end.

OP posts:
NotTooOldPaul · 22/03/2023 08:33

I realised that I was often leaving dirty smears on my underpants. I seem to leak a short time after going to the toilet. I asked my GP for advice and she examined me and did some tests as she said it can be a symptom of a serious health problem. She found nothing wrong and so I put this down to my age, I am 76.
OP suggest that your husband gets checked by his doctor.
I do all the washing at home so I am the one who deals with this.

BitchImTheSecretIngredient · 22/03/2023 08:34

Hes your husband. Say "why the fuck is your underwear covered in poo, im not touching that. You can deal with it"

Too early for this

OhmygodDont · 22/03/2023 08:34

Fuwari · 22/03/2023 08:29

It may well be that he just doesn’t wipe properly, but IBS can cause “leakage”, is it possible it’s that?

I have ibs there is no way if I had, had an accident of leakage I would be leaving them around for someone else to deal with.

Regardless of why he can’t or won’t wipe properly or a possible medical condition his being a lazy arse with no thought to his wife.

Eranzer · 22/03/2023 08:34

Does he work on a building site and use portaloos by any chance?

FrostyFifi · 22/03/2023 08:36

I don't get how he would supposedly be embarrassed if he's quite happy to leave his wife to confront the evidence.

TheLastofmySanity · 22/03/2023 08:37

Tell him to buy a bidet?

DibbleDooDah · 22/03/2023 08:38

So many people have jumped to the conclusion that he’s not wiping himself properly, but if it’s something that has got worse over time then he may well have a medical problem and, as embarrassing as it is, he should get checked out.

Bowel problems are often ignored as people are embarrassed. The more serious ones can be killers, or have a major impact on your life. You really do have to talk to him about it.

If it turns out he’s just gross then keep some of those “flushlet” things available (check they are biodegradable ones). Getting waxed between the cheeks will also help if he’s hairy - although make sure he’s properly clean before heading to the salon 😂😂

henrilechat · 22/03/2023 08:41

Why are you doing his washing? I know you say you split chores fairly evenly, but are there any things that are specifically for you that he sorts out? Why not just put all his stuff in one basket and leave it for him to do. It's pretty disrespectful to just chuck his stuff in a basket for you to deal with without even emptying his pockets or sorting out his own poo stained underwear. Besides the grossness, I imagine that's why you're so pissed off.

CaroleSinger · 22/03/2023 08:41

Well we all know as ladies there can be certain weaknesses in that department after child birth. Firstly it's not a medical thing is it? Lack of control of the schpincter (sp)? There could be an underlying problem if this has gradually worsened but I'd approach it by saying that it seems to have got worse and is there something that needs looking at medically? If you show a concern for health he's less likely to think you just think he's a disgusting pig who can't wipe his own arse. Nobody would choose to spend all day with a shitty arse and I've met (and declined second dates) with a similar man who seemed completely unaware and was perhaps in denial there was a problem. I'd say take the gentle approach initially and do it as a concern for his health.

OneTimeUseName · 22/03/2023 08:42

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 22/03/2023 08:07

He's lying. It's just laziness on your DPs part.

Show quote history

Not necessarily. Imagine wiping poo off a tiled surface vs a grass lawn Grin

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 08:42

DibbleDooDah · 22/03/2023 08:38

So many people have jumped to the conclusion that he’s not wiping himself properly, but if it’s something that has got worse over time then he may well have a medical problem and, as embarrassing as it is, he should get checked out.

Bowel problems are often ignored as people are embarrassed. The more serious ones can be killers, or have a major impact on your life. You really do have to talk to him about it.

If it turns out he’s just gross then keep some of those “flushlet” things available (check they are biodegradable ones). Getting waxed between the cheeks will also help if he’s hairy - although make sure he’s properly clean before heading to the salon 😂😂

If he wants his bum crack waxed he can make sure he's clean himself

takealettermsjones · 22/03/2023 08:43

Sorry, but medical conditions or not, unless you're physically incapable you don't leave it for someone else to deal with! This is a site full of women, we've probably all dealt with period pant incidents, but I bet nobody here has just left them inside out on the floor for their partner to sort!

KimberleyClark · 22/03/2023 08:44

If he has a poo first thing in the morning he should be showering after that and washing his bum so there shouldn’t be anything on his pants. So he doesn’t wash his bum either?

Itstimeforlunch707 · 22/03/2023 08:44

Look it's unpleasant but don't be horrible about it to him initially. It could be related to a health condition. How old is he op?

Sorry to say but fecal incontinence happens to more people than you might imagine. I think the figure is something like one in ten. It happens to women after menopause sometimes when their pelvic floors is weak and sometimes after hysterectomy but no one talks about it. Having to wipe a lot more then usual is a first sign. I don't know about men so much but it can happen to both men and women as they age.

Either that or he is not sufficiently attentive to hygiene and you need one of those loos that comes with a hose attachment or a jet spray of water.

But talk to him kindly about it first fhs op! I am sure it's possible to have a mature discussion between married people unlike the level of discussion on here atm! Why anyone would choose to post this sort of discussion under the AIBU topic is beyond me tbh.

FangsForTheMemory · 22/03/2023 08:45

RagingWoke · 22/03/2023 08:06

I’ve no idea how to approach with him.

'Your underwear is covered in shit and I won't be touching it'

There you go.

This. Just fucking tell him.

Lobelia123 · 22/03/2023 08:48

Come on....surely he must see it when he takes them off and puts them in the hamper...you say they are inside out so he must see..and evidently thinks its absolutely fine for you to have to pick up his shitty skanks and wash them, not to mention the possibility of smearing his shit over your clothes. I dont care if he has a medical problem, the lack of respect and basic hygiene is unacceptable. I would take him aside and say completely unemotionally that you have bought a seperate hamper for his underwear, hold up some pairs of soiled underpants and say,,,,and this is why. In the future, you wont be able to do his underwear if its in this state....so he can either start wiping himself like an adult, or he will have to soak them in a tub of nappy detergent before it can go in the machine. Stay business like and just state what you will accept and then move on. And dont clean them in that state again, its disgusting and hes being vile and disrespectful expecting you to.

FiveShelties · 22/03/2023 08:48

Minfilia · 22/03/2023 08:30

You see usually, I’d be nice/pragmatic even when stuff pisses me off.

but in this case I’d be texting “DH, stop leaving your shit stained underwear in the laundry basket, it’s fucking disgusting and you need to sort yourself out”

absolutely revolting!

Why on earth would you text him?

LaGiaconda · 22/03/2023 08:49

I'd just save a few pairs of pants and show them to him.

Ask if he's got any comments and also if he's having any problems, as the soiled pants are a more frequent occurrence.

Point out what you'd be doing/saying if they were the childrens pants, but say that as the situation is different - he's an adult - you want him to be suggesting solutions.

Hopefully this will lead to some kind of honest and practical conversation.

cobblers123 · 22/03/2023 08:49

Every time I read a post like this, I am so glad I live alone.

BlackBarbies · 22/03/2023 08:52

thegirlyupnorth · 22/03/2023 08:30

Firstly I'd broach the skid subject as it could be he's had a change in bowel habits and there's something amiss. Then if he's checked out and all is fine I'd get him a large net bag and ask him to put his undies in it and I'd wash them separately on a 60 degree wash.

I'd also say that he needs to empty his pockets and that you are no longer going to check (you are not his mother). Therefore he doesn't put clothes in wash until pockets are checked.

Good luck.

Or maybe, just maybe, he can learn how to wash and wipe his own arse properly….

TheNoodlesIncident · 22/03/2023 08:52

Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2023 08:31

I think you need to reflect as to why you've allowed this to go on more than one damn time. Unless he's also sight impaired, he knows his pants have shit all over them, yet he doesn't see the problem with leaving that mess for you to deal with. The lack of respect for you is appalling.

I agree with everyone but this sums up what I thought - it's the blatant disregard for OP that is just awful. I can't imagine making that kind of mess and just leaving it for someone else to deal with. My own self-respect and respect for my spouse wouldn't let me.

My DH has never had filthy boxers like that and even when he forgot to pack some undercrackers for a holiday, he hand washed the pair he'd been wearing daily. Not once did he expect me to do it, and they weren't messed, just ordinary worn not-clean.

Also not knowing how to do laundry, is he for real?! It's not rocket science... I bet he actually thinks laundry is for women to do.

tothelefttotheleft · 22/03/2023 08:52

Isthisexpected · 22/03/2023 07:56

I think I would feel too awful for him to say anything so would probably just buy a separate laundry basket and leave all his dirty underwear in the old one. Take everything else out and put in the new one. At some point he'll notice there's a basket full of pop and surely that'll get through to him?!

He doesn't feel bad about leaving his wife to wash his disgusting pants though does he.

SalaDaeng · 22/03/2023 08:53

He is a grown up.
Just tell him to:
Get a medical check up.
Wash his bum with soap and water after a poo. There are a variety of ways that this can be achieved ranging from a jug, a squirty water bottle, a bidet, a shower, a Japanese toilet or a plumbed in Asian style hose.
Deal with his own stained underwear.

Most people's bathrooms contain running water and soap.
There is no excuse for leaving poo soiled underwear for someone else to wash.

ChrisPPancake · 22/03/2023 08:54

Get him a separate pants wash basket. And get him to do it himself - "he can't do it"?! Fucking ridiculous. It's not complicated. That'd give me the ick just as much tbh.

I'd also maybe make him/tell him to make himself a doctor's appointment. If it's got worse over time it may be medical.

Does he have adequate toilet facilities at work?

Pansypotter123 · 22/03/2023 08:54

If it was a medical problem then surely he'd notice when he was taking his underwear off and take steps to sort it - by going to see his GP (unless he's burying his head in the sand) but most definitely by sorting out the dirty washing. It's not as if he wouldn't be able to see & smell his mess. Get him to sort it out.

I called off an engagement because of this (amongst other reasons!). My dirty sod would even get into bed after going to the loo and leave marks on my lovely white sheets (quite thick sometimes too).

And I have a bidet so absolutely no need!

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