To stop doing DH's washing til he learns to wipe his arse?!

[AtTheEndOfMyWick]

DH and I have a pretty even split of household chores, washing is my job as 1) he doesn't know how to do it and 2) I actually quite enjoy it (until it comes to putting clean clothes away but that's another story...)

We have 3 DC, ages 2, 4 and 6. So doing the washing for everyone is a pretty full on job. DH seems incapable of two things which make it harder for me - firstly he rarely empties his pockets, which I've warned him about so many times.

But the second thing- I have no idea how to approach with him. He has the world's worst skid marks in every single pair of boxers. I just don't understand. Our 2 eldest kids appear to be better at wiping their arsed than he is. It seems to have gotten worse in recent months and its at the point now where I'm sometimes greeted by inside out shit smeared undies when I open the laundry basket, and almost throw up.

Needless to say I've got a case of the ick and can't imagine doing anything close to sex with him as it stands. The whole thing just turns my stomach and I'm sick of it.

What do I do?! How do I approach this with him? Honestly at my wit's end.

Anyway OP, what does he leave in his pockets? If it isn't going to damage the machine I'd be tempted to leave it in his pockets.

How and why?!

what is wrong with people 🤢

What on earth are you talking about? Why compare it to weight? What you mean is, if a woman was shitting her knickers and expecting her husband to clean them up, he would be entitled to lose attraction to her.

Both men and women can find fatness unattractive by the way.

A conversation is needed and I wouldn’t be embarrassed by it either. He’s certainly not embarrassed or worried about being disrespectful so I wouldn’t be holding back on my thoughts. I also would be making it clear sex wasn’t on the menu.

I'd also give him a bag to put his pants in and ask him to clean them himself.

Yes, give him a roll of nappy bags - preferably ones with a lovely babyish branding on them. That's what we used when our DS was little and toilet training, with the inevitable accidents at that age. Pants could be popped straight into a sealed bag and then dealt with separately - except that we obviously dealt with our little one's smalls, but there's nothing stopping a grown man from dealing with his own pants.

I'd almost be tempted to institute a star chart for him too, titled "I'm a big boy now and I can learn to clean my own bottom!"

I think a direct conversation is the answer. Something along the lines of you've noticed skid marks on his undies, what's up because that isn't normal? Has he been neglecting his personal hygiene in other ways ie. not showering or shaving? Could he be depressed. Would I wash them, no. I'd tell him to rinse them out and put them straight in the machine.

Would ‘yours’ be angry with you if you refused to wash them and made him do it@elephantcandle?

You said he is angry when you mention it.

Just nasty, i'm surprised he's not itching like mad if he's not wiping that often.

I would tell him I'm not washing his nasty underwear anymore and he can do it himself. Or learn how to wipe his ass properly.

You are wise beyond your years! 😂

To quote a greetings card I once saw, scrub out the skid marks with his toothbrush...

To be honest that could be the problem, he might be scratching his arse and making the skidmarks worse 🤢

Maybe get him some wet wipes, OP, there are some that can be flushed and tell him to give his arse a good wash when he has a shower.

I'd treat sensitively. After all, I know it's not the same, but if my partner made a big deal of my discharge I'd be really embarrassed.

Just a "hey, I don't want to be personal, but I've noticed you seem to have quite bad skid marks in your pants, especially lately. Is everything ok? Are poos always loose because that can be a sign of bowel issues. If not, would you like me to buy some wipes for the bathroom?"

If that's not enough of a prompt for him to improve his wiping, then I think I'd be brutally honest and just repeat your OP to him.

I would also find it a huge turn off.

First of all, you've 'warned' him? 🤨

And secondly, this may just be laziness or poor hygiene. But equally it could signify an underlying health issue - especially if it hasn't always been the case.

As most people have suggested, trying having an actual conversation about it.

How do you approach this, @AtTheEndOfMyWick?

"Dh - you constantly leave shitty skid marks in your boxer shorts. Clearly you cannot wipe your own arse as well as our kids can. I am no longer going to do your washing for you, until you can prove that you can keep your own arse clean - and you should be aware that a man with a shitty arse is amongst one of the least sexy things in the known universe. Frankly I'd rather have sex with Donald Trump than a man who can't wipe his own backside properly. Get a grip, use the loo roll and wet wipes provided, and grow the fuck up!"

Subtle enough?

Buy him a portable bidet and a bucket of Milton

I once had a partner who would leave marks on the sheets too. Honestly, how can people think that’s remotely ok?

@Ingrowncrotchhair it's really disgusting isn't it? Symptomatic of so many things about the person doing it, and I don't mean IBS or any other medical condition either!

I’d show him them.

I had this, not with the DH but with a teen DS. I showed him what I was talking about, I didn’t shame him but said it wasn’t ideal to hand them in like that, and how to attend to it (vanish and a sharpied toothbrush). I occasionally find DC in the utility room with the old pant brush taking care of business (but not often) so I reckon if a chaotic teen can be courteous about skids an adult can.

If DH doesn’t do better after a chat I reckon I’d start binning them tbh…

Oh. There’s quite a few issues. Cauda equina I’d want to rule out. There’s loads.

Oh god please stop this nonsense about health conditions and bowel issues. Unless he's visually impaired and anosmic there is NO EXCUSE for leaving shitty pants for someone else to deal with. Maybe my time on MN has made me cynical, but I reckon some men get a kick out of degrading their partners in this way

@Cerealkillerontheloose

Everyone knows there are medical conditions that could be the cause of the actual marks.

What they're saying is that there is not a medical condition that would make these marks invisible to him and not a medical condition that makes it acceptable for him to feel so entitled that he expects his wife to literally clean up his shit.

Whether the root cause is medical or not, it's him expecting his wife to do that that is the main issue. It's completely disrespectful.

Tell him he needs to buy a few new boxers as you've had to chuck the ones he wears out due to being soiled.

One of my family had an accident the other week and shit themselves, not the first time. I assumed it had all been dealt with I was told it had been, and shoved the pants into the washer. Later on I found a shit load of shit in the rubber surround of the machine which I had to deal with..I advised no more soiled pants would be washed. Its bloody grim.

Be firm and it's an easy solution.

Firstly try leaving wet wipes for him out of the reach of children and a small lined flip lid bathroom bin.

Tell him again and give him a chance to resolve this.

If it doesn't resolve then warn him you'll be binning any underwear that's smeared each time you do the washing.

Start binning pants after this. When he runs out he can buy more. If you are regularly binning pants then ask him to put them straight into the bathroom bin himself.

It would give me the ick too.

You can have medical issues and be sympathetic. That does not mean excusing not wiping yourself properly after using a toilet.

Is he a very large man that maybe can't reach that area to wipe sufficiently?

Could also install a bum gun in your bathroom, much cheaper & easier alternative to a bidet

He's the only one making a big deal of his discharge.
By displaying it in a communal laundry bin, for his wife to cope with.

If he's not embarrassed about that, I don't see why he'd be embarrassed to be told to stop doing it.

OR why you are focused on his embarrassment instead of OP's disgust & his total lack of respect to her.