Who is being unreasonable ?

[Grouchymardybum25]

I have a step DC who is young primary school aged, he lives full time with us and has 3, 2 hour supervised contacts a month and one supervised over night a month.
he had fallen in a puddle one contact when on over night stay so they had bought him some clothes now sometimes he turns up in them from over night contact and we just rotate clothes so they go on his pile etc
we dress him and send change of clothes in any of the clothes we have. She has made contacted demanding the clothes she has bought be returned to her as his only allowed them during contact ? I can’t get my head around this ? Like I can’t understand why he needed 2 scooters because she bought one for his birthday but only allowed to play with it there, so then we had to buy him one for Christmas. We bought him a bike and he uses it at both.
AIBU to think it’s pathetic ?

The puddle fall was a while back, since then she’s been sending him in the clothes. See below from OP:

he had fallen in a puddle one contact when on over night stay so they had bought him some clothes now sometimes he turns up in them from over night contact and we just rotate clothes so they go on his pile etc

There is nothing wrong with you buying him a scooter. But in your OP it sounds like you were complaining about having to buy a second scooter, so presumably you thought you should get to keep the one his mother bought at your house the whole time. It sounds like you don’t want his mother to have anything of his at hers.

I think this is probably right.

I get where you're coming from but I would still just send them in those clothes for the overnight stays as it's one of those things that's not worth getting yourself stressed over.
We are on the opposite side of this- we also have my SKs full time but they stay with their mum EOW, when they do we send them in clothes we have bought for them here but they will usually come back wearing old worn out clothes that are miles too big or too small, no socks or underwear and sometimes even her clothes (they both boys and are 6 and 11). It then means that we are constantly having to buy new clothes for them and we end up with the old crappy clothes here that don't fit them properly. It's really frustrating sometimes but other than a couple of times with special items of clothing that we know they wouldn't want to lose (in which case we tend to say to the kids, maybe you should just keep them here so you have them when you need them) we just let it go.

Based on your updates OP, I’d say his birth mother has some real issues. YANBU to find it all a “faff”, but I would personally allow her this in order to maintain the arrangement you have. Try to keep it light and breezy, “yes of course I will make sure he’s got the clothes for next time, take care! Bye for now”. It doesn’t matter who is in the wrong essentially, this matters to her so just try to find a solution that works. Good idea to buy identical clothes for yours if he loves them so much and wears them during the week. If you can’t do this, just put them aside and say “your mum would like you to bring these on your next visit so they can’t be used after X date cause they will be in the laundry”.

It’s a bit of a faff but imagine how you’d feel if you were too unwell/had too many ongoing problems to raise your own child. Forgive her and let this one go.

My god, some of these replies, I'm wondering if they are actually the Mum? Batshit. Suggesting he's not allowed a scooter because he has one at his Mums?!

OP, I think you are doing a great job. It is incredibly good of you to facilitate contact for your DSS and his Mum and I think most of us can see that. I can also see that you are putting yourself into SS shoes here, who is probably wondering why on earth he goes to his Mum's house and has to put a special t-shirt on, and then feels upset he has to take it off. It's very confusing for him and says a lot more about the mum and possibly some of the problems there.

I would never post as a Stepmum now because of the array of golden uterus replies that come out. If it had been the same situation going to Dad's house, the replies would be very different. If OP had been the Mum and the child going to Dad's house, again, a very different set of replies.

Well done for all you're doing OP, I imagine it isn't easy sometimes.

well it doesn't matter, the OPs thoughts and feelings are a total irrelevance in this situation.

The Op asks people to agree that the mother is "pathetic". The Op clearly thinks she is, but whether the OP thinks so or not, or whether she is or not, or whether others agree she is or not, is all totally and utterly irrelevant.

The mother bought the clothes, the mother wants the clothes, the mother is fully entitled to get the clothes.

Just send the mother the clothes

She probably just wants them at her house to look at them, to feel like a mum as much as she can with how little contact she has.

You talk a LOT about the logistics of getting him changed multiple times etc but it is likely she just wants those clothes to be in a drawer at her house because they are clothes she chose and bought for her son.

People who have lost their children often keep the rooms including clothes as is for years. Nobody is sleeping in the bed or wearing the clothes yet the parents keep them in order to feel close to their child who is not physically there. I think this is why she is so intent on having them.

I couldnt agree more, I am speaking from experience. When DSS was only allowed minimal contact with his Mother she was exactly the same, yes she was an utter pita but I got it, she wanted to feel like he was still there, and it was indeed one of the only things she could control.

When she died one of the saddest things was when her brother brought dss's things here from his room at her house, it was heartbreaking the things that she had kept in drawers, clothes that didnt fit, toys which he was then far too old for, but it was just her way of keeping hold of him, in her home and in her heart.

Hi
thanks for your responses, I have and will take them on board. I am genuinely very supportive of the situation I just couldn’t get my head around it all with the clothes.
I never complain when contact is cancelled and i have adjusted my plans to drive, I have always defended her. She does not contribute to him financially at all apart from birthday and Xmas presents ( she has alternative years )
and we specially put Mother’s Day in the order so we are not ogre. It was a pleasant surprise the other family member gave us the clothes originally and he was wearing them etc as if finally felt like a break through to me so I suppose that’s why this out of the blue took me off guard. The tracksuit bottoms had been helpful for pe days etc it was made out to be a contribution and never seeks an issue until this week.

we do have a court date coming up soon which maybe is causing everyone emotions to be higher.
anyway I have provided new PE trousers don’t worry not the same and yes the same T-shirt because it’s his fav character and he likes it. I have no issue sending him in our clothes as I have done for years the same as he takes his fav toy / bed comforter etc

God this is incredibly sad ! I’d be more concerned for the child than the clothes tbh.

Just send the clothes back. She probably wants to keep them as spare seeing as she bought them. She bought them as it’s sounds like when he fell on the puddle he didn’t have a spare set. Now, just send him wearing your clothes, hand her back the ones she bought. She now has a spare set for future accidents or if they didn't get used much before he grows out of them she can sell them on.

We have no end of issues with clothes going astray between houses. We generally have rotation rule. But, sometimes they go from mine in a uniform to a club and then straight to his. He then has the uniform. So must return it so they have it for next week. He then sends them in his clothes. I wash them. If they see him between clubs they wear his clothes back. If not I just send his back in a bag at some point.

One of the issues we have is I don’t buy designer labels but his family do. So he likes me to send things back that he/they have spent money on.

When I get my kids ready to go dad’s I always suggest they wear something they aren’t bothered about not seeing for a while. EOW doesn’t mean the clothes come back EOW as his washing system is basically a pile on his sofa that sits there when clean for months!! And EOW isn’t actually that, sometimes it’s a month or 6 weeks depending on work shifts.

Just send her clothes back. She bought them. Pick your battles.

@Lifeisapeach he is very much loved and adored !

Update in general so I spoke to DP about this he is still not happy with it so has decided that it’s time that he puts in for child support and that’s the way she contributes .

I find this really interesting.

There is post after post on here of split up parents arguing over stuff they've each bought for the kids.

Every time a woman complains about a man wanting to have the stuff they've bought, everyone piles on saying he's pathetic and trying to control the ex wife. No one expresses sympathy that he only has his kid for a small amount of time, and no one accuses the OP of being manipulative when she buys another copy/version of whatever it is so the child can enjoy it more.

The difference in reactions when it's a mother with limited custody are huge.

@redredredredlorry because they feel sorry for the mother she must being doing because she wants the 2 non specific plain pairs of joggers for her own well-being and because sfe wants them as some sort of souvenir of being a mum. I don’t buy it. In years despite having the means it’s the only clothes she has ever bought him because he fell in a puddle !

Out of curiosity, how much parenting does he do? This whole thread has been about you sorting clothes and PE kits and contact (that one is understandable).

Was her not paying maintenance a mutual agreement or did she just never offer? If it's the former, it feels a bit spiteful to immediately go down the formal route as it would just be tit for tat.

@LondonPretty do you not expect dads who don’t live with their children to pay child support ?

He sounds amazing!

I expect them to claim for the right reasons but this is just for spite.

@Grouchymardybum25

It seems to me that the Mother would like the clothes back so that she doesn't have to go out and buy another set if the same thing happens again. Seems to me to be very reasonable. She obviously has problems herself and I'll bet money is one of them.

So send him in something else and return the ones she bought to her. Can't understand why this is even a question on here to be honest

@GoodChat hr does his fair share as well, we both work and we do shifts so it just happens I am around more in the day times.
we don’t seperate the children so I do everything I would do for my own for his and vice versa. I do the school runs and contact drops.

Maybe it is pathetic, in the true sense of the word. Here is a parent that for whatever reason needs to use a contact centre and they are desperate to maintain a relationship with their child. They want the visits to be a good as they can be and they want the children to understand they've made an effort especially for them. Whilst the children sleep and play at your home that other parent might physically hold on to that outfit breathing in their child's scent. The memory of chosing the clothes together and providing for their child is probably what motivates them to be a better person. Give them the clothes, and smile. Theyve fucked up and they know it. You do you....but have a heart.