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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

301 replies

ellwoomans · 21/03/2023 21:05

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

OP posts:
PositiveLife · 22/03/2023 08:45

ImAvingOops · 22/03/2023 08:10

I'm with the OP - the ex is not paying half of what the child costs. He is currently paying £100 more than his equal share of childcare costs - that extra £100 doesn't touch the sides of what it costs to feed and clothe and house a child.
And when the childcare bill does reduce, what he's paying will be his share of living expenses.

If he's a higher earner then he should be keeping his child in the same standard of living as if he was still sharing a home with the child's mum - it isn't right that men get to pay the absolute bare minimum just because they live elsewhere.

We are always hearing on MN that childcare should be a joint cost - an OP actually makes it so and people tell her she should shut up and be grateful. She didn't make that baby all on her own and it shouldn't be a race to the bottom. Yes, loads of women are making it work on less, but they shouldn't have to.

The friend has no kids and no clue what it's like to be left holding the baby and be dealing with a father who's not there day to day to help and in most cases would sooner pay the bare minimum. £900 is barely his share of costs, there's no compensation to the OP for leaving her with all the rest of the responsibility

This!

It's bloody hard as a full-time working single parent. And the child maintenance is never half of what it costs to provide for the dc. Even when they're old enough to not need childcare and it gets a bit easier, there's activities and school stuff seems to ramp up in cost.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 22/03/2023 08:45

How much does the father earn per month?

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/03/2023 08:57

@RagingWoke

You said that the CM doesn't matter. Which is also what I said.

Perhaps I didn't get my point across well?

My DH and I as an example both work FT and both earn average salaries. We have significant savings and no mortgage. We are not wealthy but we are doing ok and can afford nice holidays etc.

When I meet up with my friend who for various reasons is on benefits and struggles financially, can't afford a holiday etc, I don't whine about how I can't afford to pay my bills or bang on about the COL. It would be crass and insensitive.

To me, it looks as if the OP pissed her poorer friend off who subsequently bit back.

SophiaSW1 · 22/03/2023 09:09

If there's a possibly your friend's finances are worse then yours then at best your comment was tactless.

Robinni · 22/03/2023 09:30

@ Tandora OP from what I can gather is not going along the route of shared custody nor pushing for this via mediation.

Either get him to take the child equal time or mediate for more money out of him.

If she has the child all of the time and wants to remain in full time employment to ensure that career progression goes forward without interruption that’s her choice.

She will benefit in the long run and as many have noted while the amount paid now leaves things a bit tight in the long run there will be ample surplus to pay back for the two years childcare.

If she isn’t happy with the short term situation mediation is there to sort it out but if she’s had the house and more out of it too he could probably argue she has enough.

Changechangechanging · 22/03/2023 09:41

No-one with your income should be struggling and if you are, you're doing something wrong

I mean of course, you understand the life details of absolutely everyone on a similar income to the OP, where they live, how much it cost them to get divorced, to be solely responsible for paying the rent/mortgage, the job they do, the essential maintenance that needs doing to cars or houses, the unseen responsibilities they may have like a disability (themselves, their child, an adult they care for) etc. etc. etc.

Honestly, OP. I've been single for years and years...people cannot stand it when single mothers earn well, live in a decent area or have a nice house or car, and just generally cope. You're supposed to carry a begging bowl and be generally miserable. I once had a woman on the school run ask me how I smiled so much because if she were me, she would be crying all the time. It beggars belief.

Robinni · 22/03/2023 09:42

Worthless1 · 22/03/2023 08:30

Also if you're working all week, child in childcare then nearly £500 a month energy bill is a lot. I pay that same for a 4 bed detached house with 4 of us living here and we work from home with heating often on. Maybe you need to downsize.

Agree, don’t understand the excessive bill for one adult in full time job and baby in full time child care. We are about 300-400 4 bed detached, 2wfh. Unless running gym equipment or something 🤔

SavedByDogs · 22/03/2023 09:50

Robinni · 22/03/2023 09:42

Agree, don’t understand the excessive bill for one adult in full time job and baby in full time child care. We are about 300-400 4 bed detached, 2wfh. Unless running gym equipment or something 🤔

Show quote history

God forbid she’d be allowed to run gym equipment. That just won’t do for the life of a single mum if she wants any kindness shown to her. She must only have the basics in life, if that to be worthy. 🙄

Itsnotfairhuff · 22/03/2023 09:55

Ignoring the rights or wrongs of what has been said through the course of this thread I think the direction it has gone more than adequately explains why the friend reacted how she did.

Changechangechanging · 22/03/2023 09:57

Maybe you need to downsize

Love it when this suggestion is given without any thought whatsoever. OP should just downsize. Assuming, of course, she is able to manage that (ie she's not currently in a 2 bed) and in doing so is able to continue in her current job, live within a reasonable distance of her ex so he can maintain contact with his children.....and then there's the moving costs, legal fees, surveys, stamp duty all of which isn't free of cost.

I worked out moving to a smaller property locally would take me over 10 years to break even when it came to utility bills. And as it would be a property in a less desireable area, presumably house and car insurance costs would increase, taking even longer to break even.

But hey ho, just downsize and you'll be fine Confused

SavedByDogs · 22/03/2023 09:58

Itsnotfairhuff · 22/03/2023 09:55

Ignoring the rights or wrongs of what has been said through the course of this thread I think the direction it has gone more than adequately explains why the friend reacted how she did.

Cos she’s a nasty, jealous cow like many mumsnetters...yep.

Theres was a thread about why people don’t have friends. Maybe it’s because they act like total cunts to their mates.

OP was feeling shit and her ‘friend’ stuck the boot in. Nice.

Robinni · 22/03/2023 10:00

@SavedByDogs omg I’m not saying a single mum shouldn’t have gym equipment!!! She should have a pool and full spa if she can afford it.

The point is she has split from partner, potentially living in a large family home with associated costs that she is now solely responsible for.

Maintenance is high but insufficient to cope with full time childcare costs which she is lumped with because she does not share equal custody with ex and wants to continue on with full time work. Mediation to resolve these issues and potentially work towards shared care of the child appears not to have happened yet.

What I was saying is for family of 5 here, 3 adults, 2 wfh in large detached house bill 100 less… so don’t understand how on Earth OP is running up so much more whenever child is not in the house most of the time and poss her not there either… unless she’s running something big it doesn’t make sense!

whumpthereitis · 22/03/2023 10:08

Why? Do you make every complaint of a friend about you? Does a friend have to be in the same or worse situation than you in order to be worthy of your support?

howmanybicycles · 22/03/2023 10:08

PositiveLife · 22/03/2023 08:45

This!

It's bloody hard as a full-time working single parent. And the child maintenance is never half of what it costs to provide for the dc. Even when they're old enough to not need childcare and it gets a bit easier, there's activities and school stuff seems to ramp up in cost.

Show quote history

Isn't he paying 200 more? If OP matches that, that's 400 for other expenses which could break down to 50 clothes, 100 food, 50 nappies and other essentials, 100 activities, 100 other expenses, e.g. extra energy bills. Isn't that plenty? Plus actually ex may be footing some other expenses so actually what should be halved, if you look at it that way, is the full costs incurred by both people. OP I wonder if maybe your friend was trying to help you look on the bright side? Even if you get in a little debt, you should be able to pay it off when the childcare bill decreases?

SavedByDogs · 22/03/2023 10:10

Robinni · 22/03/2023 10:00

@SavedByDogs omg I’m not saying a single mum shouldn’t have gym equipment!!! She should have a pool and full spa if she can afford it.

The point is she has split from partner, potentially living in a large family home with associated costs that she is now solely responsible for.

Maintenance is high but insufficient to cope with full time childcare costs which she is lumped with because she does not share equal custody with ex and wants to continue on with full time work. Mediation to resolve these issues and potentially work towards shared care of the child appears not to have happened yet.

What I was saying is for family of 5 here, 3 adults, 2 wfh in large detached house bill 100 less… so don’t understand how on Earth OP is running up so much more whenever child is not in the house most of the time and poss her not there either… unless she’s running something big it doesn’t make sense!

But you’ve totally made up that she might a big house.

And ffs...wants to carry on working?? god forbid she doesn’t want to add to her shit hand by giving up her career. It’s not always easy to go back to it after a few year in some industries. Should her ex ruin that for her too?

And mediation for shared custody, the cunt ABANDONED his child!

We have a large house, gas/electric was over £500 last month. Friend has small 2 bed, hers was still £400 ish. No gym equipment or cannabis growing. Just a few hours heat to keep her child warm, oven and a tumble dryer. How dare she!

This thread is jealousy, pure and simple. No thought for OP being abandoned by this dickhead, money makes people act very odd and very nasty, even to a woman that’s been through some absolute shit.

Dweetfidilove · 22/03/2023 10:11

I always shake my head when I see 'sisterhood' trotted out on a certain type of thread, because it never seems to extend beyond that.

Single woman earns very well - boo you! That's more than I/we earn, so...
Single woman gets good maintenance -
Annoying cow who should just shut up!
High energy bill - Are you running a gym?
Single woman has a house - well how large is your house that your bills are so high?

Blah, blah, blah 😶

Tandora · 22/03/2023 10:15

Robinni · 22/03/2023 09:30

@ Tandora OP from what I can gather is not going along the route of shared custody nor pushing for this via mediation.

Either get him to take the child equal time or mediate for more money out of him.

If she has the child all of the time and wants to remain in full time employment to ensure that career progression goes forward without interruption that’s her choice.

She will benefit in the long run and as many have noted while the amount paid now leaves things a bit tight in the long run there will be ample surplus to pay back for the two years childcare.

If she isn’t happy with the short term situation mediation is there to sort it out but if she’s had the house and more out of it too he could probably argue she has enough.

What are you talking about?

They co-created a child. OP’s partner walked out on her at 10 months, leaving her with the full mental, emotional, physical, and administrative load. The very least he should do is provide half of the financial cost of raising their shared child, at minimum. This includes childcare. As a pp pointed out, since OP cares for the child all mornings, evenings, weekends, fairness would be the father paying the full cost of daycare .

AgnesX · 22/03/2023 10:18

It feels like you're both better off without each other as friends. You're both coming from different places and if you're both so insensitive that you can't see the other's pov it's probably best that way.

Alishaattic · 22/03/2023 10:35

Ultimately OP - I just wouldn't over share my financial business to anyone in the future if I were you.

OriginalMama · 22/03/2023 11:10

Dweetfidilove · 22/03/2023 10:11

I always shake my head when I see 'sisterhood' trotted out on a certain type of thread, because it never seems to extend beyond that.

Single woman earns very well - boo you! That's more than I/we earn, so...
Single woman gets good maintenance -
Annoying cow who should just shut up!
High energy bill - Are you running a gym?
Single woman has a house - well how large is your house that your bills are so high?

Blah, blah, blah 😶

All of this.

This thread is jealousy, pure and simple. No thought for OP being abandoned by this dickhead, money makes people act very odd and very nasty, even to a woman that’s been through some absolute shit.

And this.

Dweetfidilove · 22/03/2023 11:24

@OriginalMama Madness! Every single time.

Frankola · 22/03/2023 11:53

At almost 4k a month you are on a very comfortable income for a single parent.

Imagine whining about that to another single mum who is likely on half of what you are.

Childcare during your contact time is your responsibility. Childcare during exs time is his responsibility. Your ex shouldn't be funding your childcare bill. If you were together your Childcare bill would be shared because the requirements are different.

PositiveLife · 22/03/2023 12:07

Frankola · 22/03/2023 11:53

At almost 4k a month you are on a very comfortable income for a single parent.

Imagine whining about that to another single mum who is likely on half of what you are.

Childcare during your contact time is your responsibility. Childcare during exs time is his responsibility. Your ex shouldn't be funding your childcare bill. If you were together your Childcare bill would be shared because the requirements are different.

WTAF. Seriously, the childcare bill is her responsibility because he's fucked off and decided he'll have no responsibility?! Why the fuck do we keep letting men walk away from the costs of the children they created and treat women like shit for sticking around?

DanceMonster · 22/03/2023 12:08

Childcare during your contact time is your responsibility. Childcare during exs time is his responsibility

This is absolute rubbish.

Sceptre86 · 22/03/2023 12:11

It might well go up. Or he might meet someone else and then be reassessed and pay less. It happens. Your earnings are separate and he should have to contribute to his child. If at school age there is an excess you could always put it in savings account for your child or put x amount away in case your ex's situation changes.

People can be funny when it comes to money I just wouldn't share this info.