Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

It's coming across to me that basically you are expecting maintenance to cover all of your child's costs rather than you sharing in them.

That’s a huge amount! I regularly live off that for all bills, mortgage etc, I would feel like a queen if I got that for my kids. Your energy bills are enormous but you’re the only one to blame for that. I can see how you annoyed your friends tbh.

I think it is appalling that so many people think it’s okay for the resident parent to cover the vast majority of child rearing expenses. Any maintenance that fails to at least cover half of the childcare bill is way too little.

🙄

Jesus £900 a month for 1 child!!!! I get £160 per month for 1 year old twins in full time childcare! Yes I can see why your friend made that comment to be honest. No it doesn't cost £900 per month to "raise" a school age child - if you consider that that is supposed to equate to 50% of the cost then that's £1800....a school age child doesn't "cost" that much

Jesus wept. The misogyny is strong in here, isn't it? The very idea a woman should be anything other than grateful for any maintenance she receives, should shut up, not talk about it, never moan about it, even if the amount is piffling, enormous or somewhere in between. She shouldn't expect it to cover any child-related costs and she particularly shouldn't be earning well in her own right. I mean what on earth is that poor father paying for when his ex had her own money?!

Ignore the utter bollox spouted here, OP. And I say that as so.eo e who has brought up 3 from babies/toddlers with a non- maintenance paying, self-employed ex and a very average wage myself.

I think the replies on this thread are awful and really sad.

Firstly, read the thread properly, secondly what does your personal circumstances bear on the OPs?

This thread is full of women who are happy to drag other women down, who have a very low bar set for men and who cannot stand another person having more money than them, and may not be able to consider that another person with more money than them might have financial issues.

And I have a lot less money than the OP. But it’s irrelevant.

Not saying she’s lying but you’d be able to claim the housing element of UC if in a normal tenancy. £1k would be a hell of a rent top up. I’d hope it was £400 after bills which is about doable with the cost of food.

I’d agree the “you don’t need to do activities” “childcare is an investment in your future”crazy. Children should benefit if a parent is a high earner.

What a horrible, jealous post.

He obviously earns a decent wage so he can pay a decent amount for his child. It’s a simple as that.

£160 a month for 2 kids is fucking shameful.

The issue is not even how much CM you get which is irrelevant. Your XP is a high earner and therefore pays accordingly and the money to benefit to your DC directly or indirectly; that's a no brainer.

The issue is you whining about the COL and your leccy bill to someone who probably has a lower income then you. No-one with your income should be struggling and if you are, you're doing something wrong.

So sad to see that for some, the bar is deep down in hell.

Chilf of school age??

I think you come across as very insensitive to other people's situations. By all means get what you can but you clearly know you are getting alot more than most people get from maintenance maybe you should be a little more sensitive to that. I am a single mum, I get fuck all and its hard beyond words just to keep my head above water, a friend moaning about her 900 a month not being anywhere near enough would piss me right off too!

The numbers don't really matter, try and clear the air and move on.

It doesn't matter how much money you or the father has, you have a child you provide for it. Until the government decides no-one should spend more than x a month on paying for CMS he pays what is due.

This has been answered up thread.

I'm with the OP - the ex is not paying half of what the child costs. He is currently paying £100 more than his equal share of childcare costs - that extra £100 doesn't touch the sides of what it costs to feed and clothe and house a child.
And when the childcare bill does reduce, what he's paying will be his share of living expenses.

If he's a higher earner then he should be keeping his child in the same standard of living as if he was still sharing a home with the child's mum - it isn't right that men get to pay the absolute bare minimum just because they live elsewhere.

We are always hearing on MN that childcare should be a joint cost - an OP actually makes it so and people tell her she should shut up and be grateful. She didn't make that baby all on her own and it shouldn't be a race to the bottom. Yes, loads of women are making it work on less, but they shouldn't have to.

The friend has no kids and no clue what it's like to be left holding the baby and be dealing with a father who's not there day to day to help and in most cases would sooner pay the bare minimum. £900 is barely his share of costs, there's no compensation to the OP for leaving her with all the rest of the responsibility

Honestly you've just been a bit insensitive. My diamond shoes are too tight is how it'll have come across. Many people are on much less than you and have to make it work.

Just read the room the next time.

OP says she earns £3k a month, plus £900 CM. That's £3,900
Childcare is £1400 so that's £2,500
Utilities £480, so now it's £2,020
Add on mortgage/rent, food, insurances, other household bills, anything else her or the DC needs, transport costs and that's eaten up pretty quickly. Depending on area and circumstances rent or mortgage alone could be £1,000 or more.

Its not 'doing something wrong' to be finding increasing costs challenging.
The OPs ex is paying a small amount of CM that does not cover half of the child's expenses and has walked away from the emotional, mental and physical load of raising a child. The amount of CM doesn't matter.

Yep.

And to add to her ‘oh so lucky life’, she shouldn’t expect her friends to listen to her when she’s a bit fed up and overwhelmed.

£900! Yes, you're very lucky. The registry is that most Dingle mums are in a much less fortunate situation. How often does he have the child?

My ex was paying over the min rate then some woman he met at work said it was ‘too much’ and reduced it! I found that highly upsetting - what business was it of hers ffs. And why did he listen to the nonsense.

As a single parent the child maintenance is unreliable and could change at any moment. It sounds like this is a new situation for op and it all takes a lot of getting used to. To have ‘friends’ who say she should be grateful isnt supportive.

Also if you're working all week, child in childcare then nearly £500 a month energy bill is a lot. I pay that same for a 4 bed detached house with 4 of us living here and we work from home with heating often on. Maybe you need to downsize.

This.... and not only single parents but lots of 'together' parents don't have this much coming in so sounds like you've hit a nerve with her and to honest rightly so on her behalf