Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

OP - childcare costs need to hit everything - the roof over their heads, heat etc.

Opinions like "you should be grateful" are part of the reason so many women are in poverty.

We should not accept this.

You are not wrong.

This thread is absolute madness.

OP strongly suggest if you are unhappy with the amount of time/money your ex contributes that you seek mediation urgently to remedy the situation as best as you can.

In the meantime assess what savings you can make regarding your utilities which, I’m sorry do seem extreme for one adult and a baby who spend limited time at home (unless you wfh). See if any relatives of yours or your ex could help with childcare until you receive 30hrs free in the event that he refuses to cough up more. Or find ways of budgeting to get you through this period.

Perhaps look at your living situation and see if you need to move/sell property in light of new circumstances. It’s really rubbish as you didn’t ask for this situation but you might need to adjust for a period of time. If you can keep the home without having to sell to give half to him then all well and good.

Genuinely in a few years time you should have things covered sufficiently and any shortfall should be made up. Wish you all the best.

As for your friend she does have a point that things will be better in future.

If your friend is single and has no dependants, she might be feeling like I was when I had friends who were parents complaining to me about their household income of £4k. I was on NMW and earned £800 per month - which had to cover all my bills and rent etc. Yes, I wasn't paying for a child, but living on that was miserable and I did it for years. I thought my friends were really tone deaf to go on as they did.

OP can claim UC for some of the child care and other knock on benefits.

These benefits wouldn't have to exist for single parents if NR parents paid half of what the child they helped create actually costs.

I mean.. OP does literally say that in the OP

friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’

Your friend sounds right to me. Once at school £900 a month is more than enough to feed, dress and entertain your child extremely well and have some leftover.

This thread is making my blood boil. OP has the right to vent. If your friends aren't empathetic then it's time to get new friends. And, sorry to say, but 900 isn't even a lot - it's only just about half of the child care costs so that doesn't include any bills, extras, etc. Also, if the other parent is a high earner why shouldn't they have to pay their fair share?

The thing is, people act weird when they are jealous. OP I'm sure you worked hard to get to where you are. Nobody should make you feel guilty for expressing your frustrations.

900 not even a lot. Delusional and greedy.

Delusional and greedy? Did you even read the part where she is paying £1400 per month for child care? Do you expect her to pay this on her own?

Well that’s never going to happen, for one not everyone can afford it, and two all child maintenance is ignored for UC. So even if he paid all of the child care and some more OP could still claim UC especially if she has rent to pay.

Yes i know, benefits for low earnings and poverty should always exist. But single parents having to claim benefits to make up for the non resident parent not contributing an adequate amount is not ok.

It's 60% of child care costs.

Imaging taking home £36k a year, and have £10.5k in support for your child (that you decided to have, only women can abort) to complain you don't have enough money....

Be thankful you have a child.
A job.
Enough money to live a decent life.

No wonder men don't want to have children or commit to any serious relationship anymore. 900 not even a lot! Unbelievable. How about 100% of the salary and the NRP living on the street?

I see the competitive stupidity stage of the thread has now been reached.

Big words. LOL.

If he's paying £900 he's clearly not on the bones of his arse. Child support is so woeful in this country, if he's paying this amount, he's bringing in a lot more!

Not really.

I think the issue is not that you should feel "lucky" with what your ex-partner gives you but it's that you are complaining about your situation to people who are worse off? So of course they may be a bit put out by your complaints.

Sort of like someone on 60k moaning about not being able to afford the food shop to someone struggling on 25k. Yeah you're within your right to complain if you're struggling but to someone who is on less they will roll their eyes.

£900 a month 'not a lot'? Madness. Yes it doesn't cover the entire cost of childcare but certainly a good chunk of it and OP earns 3k a month. An extra £500 for childcare leaves £2500 for everything else for a single person and one child. Not rich but certainly not struggling, at least to me.

You sound a little insensitive, OP. Your friend was probably exasperated as, to a lot of people, a close to 4k a month income isn't bad at all so to hear you gripe about it would certainly put their back up. I'm not saying your child's father shouldn't pay (and if he's paying £900 a month he must be pretty flush himself), but perhaps read the room a little.

I know! they don't even make sense together!

It must be very hard for you.

It’s not enforceable. NRP can just stop paying. That’s why benefits don’t include it in calculations.

One of the major flaws of our country is that nrp aren't consistently made to be responsible and pay their fair share for their children