Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

Disgusting comment.

So the man who fathered the child should just be allowed to walk away and contribute the bare minimum right? He pays 900£ per month, because that’s what he legally has to according to Child maintenance. It’s a pittance of his income, and doesn’t cover half of the child’s costs, given that childcare alone is £1,400 a month.

Exactly! It seems super easy for anyone self employed to claim no earnings and pay nothing. Also they can’t take money from self employed, it has to be willingly given, waste of time service.

Pure disinformation propaganda.

Yes, I understand that - thats what I am complaining about. I claim uc to help with child care as my ex pays the bare minimum. I'm saying it should be enforceable, it shouldn't be the state helping me, it should be the other parent. He shouldn't be able to not pay, or fiddle his self employment to pay pittance. It's completely immoral and despicable to walk away from a child you helped create and to as much as you can to pay as little as you can - and people doing exactly this is why the state has to step up.

One of the major flaws of our country is that nrp aren't consistently made to be responsible and pay their fair share for their children

well, this thread is a (not so) fabulous example of why, isn't it? Simply put, we can't stand to see a single mother who is anything other than miserable, impoverished and struggling. Making NRPs pay would go a long way to changing that.

We’ve truly been invaded by a certain sort now. 🚨

Those pesky women being the only ones that can abort, having control of their own body.

ffs. 🙄

@ellwoomans as others have mentioned you may be due some UC or other benefits to help towards childcare costs as a single parent. Even if you think you have a decent salary, it’s worth checking it out.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

In the event that you don’t receive any help this way, again try mediation and asking other relatives for help to reduce costs.

Why is it disinformation?

Is there a way to enforce payments if nrp self employed?

@Tandora I think CMS should be automatically deducted from earnings.

The part that is tricky is the amount and how we define the payment of CMS. There has to be ONE rule for everyone. There's no point people suggesting unrealistic opinions a lot of people do not earn a salary high enough to even pay half of what OP gets. So where do you draw the line? You can't enforce what someone doesn't EARN.

It's very frustrating indeed and in a single parent too so I fully understand that it means OP is STILL paying for the majority. She is lucky though.

Get a better job! The government should not be helping you. Have some pride.

@taxpayer1 you need to find some manners!

I have some sympathy with your friend, actually. I currently receive benefits and don't receive anywhere near £900pm to run my whole my life. Once rent is paid, I don't have enough to see the month through.

@PositiveLife @DanceMonster In a court of law you will find that is absolutely correct. It doesn't matter if its morally correct or not - and I certainly didn't say it was. But it is how a court would see it.

Also, you have no idea how much contact this child has with their father. OP says "abandoned" but that could mean he left the relationship and left the family home. He could have 40% access for all you know. Alternatively he could have none. But we don't know so there's very little point in shoe-horning your own personal experiences into this thread.

No, their father should be contributing instead of the state I agree

It isn’t enforceable. That’s why the state are involved.

You have said this to me twice now. I am aware! You are just reiterating back to me what I'm stating I think is wrong and should change.

The state is involved because some non resident parents do everything they can to pay as little as they can.

It is immoral and wrong and despicable.

The post I was replying to said I should have a bit of pride and "get a better job" so the state didn't have to help subsidise my childcare bill - how about my ex husband has a bit of pride and fairly contributes to the children he helped bring into this world.

Something doesn't have to be legally enforceable to be the RIGHT thing to do.

I don’t check back to see who I’m replying to.

I agree. And I don’t get CM from my self employed ex. And of course it’s wrong. But until society and the law make it unacceptable then it will continue.

This thread is an example. The Op is being slated by sone posters for doing well in her job and getting cm. Posters aren’t in the main saying that nrps should pay. Instead it’s Count yourself lucky! Change that!

With my dp I encouraged him to do the right thing and hand all the house over to his ex. Which he did willingly.

Get a better job! The government should not be helping you. Have some pride

yeah, single parents, have solid childcare arrangements in place that never, ever fail. Pay for that childcare 100% yourself - possibly running into £thousands a month depending on age and number of children. Have enough left after childcare to pay rent/mortgage, utilities, food, insurances, clothing, and all other life essentials. Do that on your own, on one wage. Otherwise, you have no pride.

I teach for a living, a shortage area subject. I also tutor and I also exam mark. I have received tax credits to a greater or lesser extent for years now. I have plenty of pride, thank you. Mainly that my children have been a taught empathy and kindness towards others no matter what.

@OriginalMama £46k a year for her and her school aged child.

Fuck.... I would love to have a child and wouldn't complain.

@Changechangechanging you don't have to explain yourself about what occupation you do. Even with CMS it still wouldn't be enough if you worked as a nurse with 2 kids.

Both parents need to run houses. Some of these comments are bordering unhinged expecting payments such as £1400 per month. That's some people's salary nearly twice over.

I think that's why people are saying OP and others are tone deaf! NOT because the NRP shouldn't be for their DC of course they SHOULD.

There is clearly a sense that the NRP should only have to fund a very basic lifestyle for their child even if they are a high earner.

To be paying £900 maintenance (if using CMS figures) for one child the OP's ex is making over £100k. Maintenance is always going to be set at a level which is affordable for the NRP regardless of the actual costs of raising a child because it's a percentage of income.

The law can't practically make someone parent their child and be there for them physically but it can make them contribute financially (though it is not always very good at that either). I laughed at the suggestion of mediation to make the man who has walked out on his 10m old do more parenting - there is no mechanism to force someone to do this if they don't want to. I'd love my ex to see his children more regularly but he won't.

Most single parents use pretty much all their money and time to benefit their child. And I don't really understand the suggestion that the most a 1 year old could possibly need is £400 a month. If nothing else the excess could go into savings for them. There are all sorts of experiences and advantages you can give children with money. Even if it went to paying for a cleaner etc. it would free up the resident parent to be with their child more of the time.

I have some sympathy with fathers who would like more access but don't get it and therefore end up paying child maintenance but that is becoming less common and isn't the situation here.

I don't personally discuss my finances with people in real life unless they initiate talking about it but not sure about the narrative that you can't complain about anything to someone who may be worse off than you. I don't expect my friends to avoid moaning about their relationships or children to me just because I'm a single parent.

If childcare is £1400/mth and you get £900/mth I'm not sure why she thinks you're currently 'making money' out of your DC.

My childcare bill continued when DC went to school because of wraparound and holiday childcare.

Also children cost to feed, clothe, entertain, keep warm and housed. A single adult covering that all is expensive. Of course the ex shouldn't pay for your food/housing costs but they are inextricably linked to your DC's so a proportion needs to be covered by your ex. Whether the child is at nursery or school those costs remain the same, except for the childcare. Which you are taking a hit on at the moment.

In a nutshell, no nobody should ‘be grateful’ that any parent shoulders the cost of raising their own child.

No. OP should have some awareness when discussing MONEY with her best friend. She also needs to learn not to walk off mid conversation when opinions differ.

That's her best friend she treated like that!