Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

If my kids were 'exhausted, stressed and juggling ' I would love to help them.

hands up who isn’t exhausted, stressed and juggling…….

Only on mumsnet is a person who is about to have £18K a year spare cash p/a and who has only been able to afford UK holidays classed as struggling.

That's what I took from the OP because that's what it says.

The OP is bitter that she didn't have handouts.

I didn't have them either, I'm not as well off as OP, but I'm not bitter nor do I expect my mother to supplement my lifestyle by buying me holidays.

hands up who isn’t exhausted, stressed and juggling…….

And?

So you don't help if you can?

There’s a difference between owning your own situation and thinking you should have better if only someone subsidised you

But rich people end up paying vast amounts of IHT if they don’t plan! Why not give some away? In the OPs case it makes 100% sense for DPs to do it.! It’s all very well ordinary earners posting, but they don’t have this level of income or need to plan. Others with a high income do.

After consultancy work falls off, the parents won’t have as much but they no doubt have valuable properties. It needs careful thought and I find it amazing parents don’t plan this to pass down wealth. Anyone with a financial adviser would. Give the money now and reduce the tax burden.

I didn't have them either, I'm not as well off as OP, but I'm not bitter nor do I expect my mother to supplement my lifestyle by buying me holidays.

Tbh it's quite hard to take you seriously. You keep referring back "to what you had" whilst planning to give handouts to your kids.

Presumably you think that's a good idea and it shows a generosity the OP has never experienced.

Your expectations of your mother are only relevant if she's as well off as OP's parents.

Yes that all might well be true.

But do you think that OPs parents have a choice over whether they do this or not?

Do you think that OPs parents can choose what to do with their own money? For all you know they are giving it to charity of their choice or spending it on consumables things they want to do or have. If that's what they are doing in my opinion that is their right. It's not necessarily what I would do but I don't think any adult is entitled to hand outs from their parents, if they receive something that is wonderful but it isn't a right.

It's the idea that parents are morally obliged to give to their adult children and that adults have such expectations that I struggle with, especially when, when it boils down to it what OP wants to spend it on is their own lifestyle choices.

Your expectations of your mother are only relevant if she's as well off as OP's parents.

My mother is extremely well off. I don't poke my nose into her finances. They are her business but she is very very well off.

My mother is extremely well off. I don't poke my nose into her finances. They are her business but she is very very well off.

excellent

I know. She made a lot of sacrifices for us when she was growing up and after our father died. I am happy she can live her life now as she wishes and spend her money as she sees fit.

Why wouldn't I be.

*I know. She made a lot of sacrifices for us when she was growing up and after our father died. I am happy she can live her life now as she wishes and spend her money as she sees fit.

Why wouldn't I be.*

I never thought you shouldn't be.

When we were growing up not when she was growing up!

@lifeturnsonadime
I think if you have made a lot of money it does reflect poorly on an individual not to give to family if they are struggling. We have given generously and one DD is far from struggling! You can give both to DCs and charity if you are well off. We do. You can also set up trusts. You can help grandchildren. Yes, it’s your money but a selfish personality isn’t attractive. Why anyone wants to over pay IHT is a mystery to me!

By the size of the OP’s parents pensions, they have been even more wealthy whilst at work. No one gets £80,000 a year from a medium paying job. This is a well off set of parents. So they do seem mean. Acquiring wealth from a very rocky start is different. However this usually means people are in tune with others even more.

I know exactly how you feel @jennybrightcandle and am in a similar situation with my parents.

I think I find it hurtful because my outlook is just so different to theirs. I know for a fact that if I were in their financial position I would be falling over myself to buy my children a house/ help with deposits or whatever they needed.

But my parents do not see money that way, and it's something I just have to live with.

I think if you have made a lot of money it does reflect poorly on an individual not to give to family if they are struggling.

I agree but I think it depends on how you define struggling.

Only being able to take UK holidays and soon having a spare £18K p/a is not how most define struggling.

I agree with you by the way about avoiding IHT I just don't agree with the perception that OP is struggling and that her parents shouldn't have a choice in how they spend their wealth.

This, exactly.

None of our children are 'struggling' but we still choose to share what we have as generously as we can. Why wouldn't we? They are the people we love most in the world, if we can improve their quality of life in small ways then we will do it for as long as we can.

I find it very hard to understand why some wealthy parents choose to be so stingy.

I agree OP isn't 'struggling' as such but did point out what a massive difference a sum like £10k could make to their lives. An amount that sounds like would be a drop in the ocean to their parents.

I think when there is such a disparity, it's strange that parents would choose to just hoard their wealth until it becomes inheritance and is much less useful to their children at a later stage of life.

Of course it's their decision, but it's just not my outlook on life and I can't understand it.

*I agree OP isn't 'struggling' as such but did point out what a massive difference a sum like £10k could make to their lives. An amount that sounds like would be a drop in the ocean to their parents.

I think when there is such a disparity, it's strange that parents would choose to just hoard their wealth until it becomes inheritance and is much less useful to their children at a later stage of life.

Of course it's their decision, but it's just not my outlook on life and I can't understand it.*

So true.

I am slightly sceptical that the parents actually do have 80k annual pension allowance. Is it normal for parents to talk openly about their income?

There’s definitely a thing with entitled people making presumptions about wealth. My (ultra entitled) SIL is always going on to MIL about our ‘wealth’ and when you dig deeper it boils down to house value (we are SE, they are NW).

@jennybrightcandle

I get it. I think the 'baby boomer' generation have truly been blessed with when they have lived. Yes, they have worked hard (don't we all) but they have reaped so many benefits from the timing of when they did 'normal' stuff:
*buying a house based on 1 wage
*house price inflation
*free childcare - from their parents or living off one wage
*higher health quality due to NHS

I just don't think they realise about the cost of childcare and how often it is as high or higher than a mortgage.

You are at a pinch point at the moment. I remember when all my wage went on childcare, only had £30 left over every pay packet. There was 1 very hard year when both were in childcare but from 2013 to 2019 it was pretty hard to balance the books. We would've certainly have appreciated some help then. The main thing is to keep earning as now my DC are both at school we are really getting the benefits of 2 incomes.

Could you ask them for help? Maybe they just don't realise your money situation at the moment. If I asked for help I know my DPs would, they have given my DSis money in the past for roof repairs etc.

I am slightly sceptical that the parents actually do have 80k annual pension allowance. Is it normal for parents to talk openly about their income?

Well that's totally up for grabs unless anyone knows them.

Maybe they just don't realise your money situation at the moment. If I asked for help I know my DPs would, they have given my DSis money in the past for roof repairs etc.

I think they just don't really understand your situation OP. You say your DM was visibly shocked at the cost of childcare and that you had no savings.

Even then I have to say I'm surprised she didn't offer anything. Just because she wanted to help. I 100% know my mother would. And ultimately that's my frame of reference.

Having to ask is not nice but it depends how much you feel the money might help your and your DC lives.

If they said No which they are totally entitled to do, you know EXACTLY how it stands.

It’s a thing about a lot of people from that generation that they were brainwashed that giving your kids what they want or need somehow would spoil them. Hard to understand i personally would help my child in any way I could and I’d be happy to. There’s plenty out there who get way more.

Aw bless you pet, I’ll explain:

Junior doctors, teachers, fire fighters etc. get paid fuck all for doing immensely valuable jobs. If my kids would like to do these jobs, they’ll still be able to afford to buy a house. They’ll have choices and I don’t think that’s a bad thing personally.

So it's the responsibility of parents to supplement low paid public sector roles?

Right oh.