Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

God you'd never have kids would you.

Responsibility never ends. If they don't earn enough at work it's up to you to supplement their income.

Christ on a bike. Do people really think this?

Christ on a bike. Do people really think this?

No. And you know they don't.

If one yours becomes a fire fighter if things stay the same 🤷‍♀️ you'll be supplementing with their house deposit.

Do I? Plenty of people on here think OP is struggling with £18k spare income a year to such a degree that her wealthy parents should be supplementing her income.

Er not really sure how you rather aggressively arrived at that conclusion - I take it you’re the lawyer of the four siblings then 😂

Do I? Plenty of people on here think OP is struggling with £18k spare income a year to such a degree that her wealthy parents should be supplementing her income.

If you want to spin it like that 😀

Just like spinning

So it's the responsibility of parents to supplement low paid public sector roles

😄

This about being generous to your kids. If you are able.

Just for the record. OPs £18,000 childcare is ongoing until her DC starts school.

Which hasn't happened yet.

Ha ha.

Look I agree that it is nice if children can be given a sum of money for a comfortable start.

The fact that I wasn't given it hasn't made me bitter. It has the OP. That's all I am saying.

There are different approaches. I find the OPs approach to be one of entitlement, it's not making her happy it's making her bitter towards her parents.

The OP certainly isn't struggling not by any normal sense of the word 'struggle'. I get that the OP is resentful of her parents for this. I don't think she has the right to be because I don't think there is a moral obligation to provide for adult children.

Life is hard for many. Many won't get handouts because the money isn't there in the first place. This will increasingly be the case as the cost of funding the ageing generation rises and the value of pensions decrease.

Resenting your parents in the OPs situation is a bit of a first world problem. She asked if her feelings are reasonable. I don't think they are for the reasons I've given on here. Had her OP been a different scenario where she was genuinely struggling my response would have been different.

No moral obligation to be generous to your grown up kids. Agreed.

Just nice.

I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable. We earn less than your DPs but I will help my DC as much as I can when they are grown, even if that means I have less money to spend on myself.

That will include help with house deposits, living at home rent free for as long as they want beforehand and, yes, quite likely paying for them and their families to come on holiday with us if we can afford it.

Again, you can be nice and generous if you can afford to be. They are not mutually exclusive!

The best financial return on any degree is being a doctor. So says research by IFS. They don’t necessarily need to be subsidised due to low pay. Lawyers usually get decent pay but criminal barristers, not so much. Firefighters often do 2 jobs snd retire early. Doctors have amazing pensions.

We give to DDs as they live and work in London. We recognise we have made money from property but I paid for childcare. DH is doing consultancy work at nearly 70. It was easier to buy our first house. No doubt about it but it took 2 salaries! We even had tax relief on our first mortgage. Pensions in public sector are generous too but DH is self employed. The economics of this means that parents should help children if they have benefitted more than Dc will.

YANBU

My parents are significantly more wealthy than yours (probably based on your OP). Salary of >£5mil + multiple rental properties + investment income.

We were made homless with two under two last year because of a dickhead landlord (we always paid rent, didn't destroy anything etc. he wanted to change our home to a HMO for more money and wouldn't let us stay). We had to live in a hotel between rental properties. We live hand to mouth. My parents call me and complain about their new jetski not fitting on their new boat... The cost of thier new (4th) car would've paid for a house for us. I don't get it, I would never do that to my kids if I had the money.

I’ve yet to see a salary of £5m a year. However regardless of that your parents are missing the point of life in my view. They should help.

@Sunsetintheeast Chairmsn of BP! Or similar FTSE 100.

We are far wealthier than our children. We have holidays but we book wisely. We do buy decent cars but we choose sensible cars, but we buy nearly new or demonstrators at a reasonable price and pay cash, in comparison our children either lease brand new cars, Range Rovers & Jaguars for example. One of them has a very special collectors type car purchased partly with a loan and a PP of £50,000+ . Our adult children all have mortgages and houses, childcare bills, 2 of them spend a huge amount on presents at Christmas , 2 of them are very careful.
They all spend their money in Different ways and have different priorities.
How generous should we be with our children?

Family can be odd with money.....my late GM at one point owned appx 9 houses yet watched my sister bring up a family in a small flat with no garden.....gm sold off houses and went on long holidays, when she died, a huge chunk of tax was paid and my mum inherited 2 houses left which were crumbling wrecks so she sold them on and helped us both out with big deposit money.

This⏫. 👍

@alwayscheery unless there's a huge back story, you treat them equally. Only you can decide how generous you are.

I know what you mean exactly. Why when you are careful with money should you hand your cash over to children who have different values to you?

Why should you finance a habit of fancy cars?

The answer to that, of course, is none of them are morally owed anything.

If you want to give , could you skip a generation, if you want to give, and put money in trust for specific purposes for grandchildren in the case of all children so you are not perceived as being inequitable but have some control on how the money is spent so your hard earned cash is not wasted?

We are far wealthier than our children. We have holidays but we book wisely. We do buy decent cars but we choose sensible cars, but we buy nearly new or demonstrators at a reasonable price and pay cash, in comparison our children either lease brand new cars, Range Rovers & Jaguars for example. One of them has a very special collectors type car purchased partly with a loan and a PP of £50,000+ . Our adult children all have mortgages and houses, childcare bills, 2 of them spend a huge amount on presents at Christmas , 2 of them are very careful.
They all spend their money in Different ways and have different priorities.
How generous should we be with our children?

There's no obligation to give anything. It's your money and your choice.

It is the way of life that parents are wealthier than children. They are older and have had time to accumulate. Generally, the benefits of parental savings are inherited. Just not as fast as the beneficiaries want.

Quite.

Always treat children equally. Don’t judge them. That is a route for upset!

They just don’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️ which is their right. As you said - you’ve had a good happy life with them - don’t let this affect how you feel towards them as it isn’t fair on them. It’s their money.

This! Some really obnoxious and selfish people on this thread. It's really shocking that people would think about money in such a way within a family.