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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very rich parents

636 replies

jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 20:56

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

OP posts:
Vinomummyinlockdown · 22/03/2023 21:21

saraclara · 22/03/2023 21:15

She's a recent widow?

FFS, give her a break for a bit.

I couldn't think straight for a long time after my DH died. A few years later, when I could see straight, and could also see that I was managing okay financially, I gave my DDs a big chunk of my savings. I considered it my DH's share of what we'd saved for our retirement. Only he didn't get one. So I gave it to them as a kind of inheritance from him.

But no, when I was a recent widow, it didn't occur to me. I was busy adjusting to life alone and worrying unnecessarily about my future.

Show quote history

No - widowed 7 years ago. I’m not a heartless witch. We’ve never asked for a thing. She didn’t like her husband by the way. Stayed together for convenience.

echt · 22/03/2023 21:24

Vinomummyinlockdown · 22/03/2023 21:21

No - widowed 7 years ago. I’m not a heartless witch. We’ve never asked for a thing. She didn’t like her husband by the way. Stayed together for convenience.

Show quote history

So why did you say "recent"?

Also, you can't moan about not getting what you've never asked for. She's not a mind reader.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 22/03/2023 21:31

echt · 22/03/2023 21:24

So why did you say "recent"?

Also, you can't moan about not getting what you've never asked for. She's not a mind reader.

Show quote history

Yes true - it’s not recent. Husband doesnt want to ask her as he’s “a grown man” … 🫤 and it’s not my business to ask but I have pointed out our issues … I guess hoping she would offer some help. The trust was for her and her sons to use. They’ve used some of it - mainly she has - but DH won’t ask to use more. I guess MN will say I have a DH problem.

echt · 22/03/2023 21:48

I see. If she has form for not handing on to her sons as you said earlier, then it would be very difficult.

Shantayyoustaysashayaway · 22/03/2023 23:52

YADNBU. I'm in my mid 50s & have never had financial help from my parents (Would never have accepted it from my dm & dsd) My biological father always had plenty of money especially in assets (property, pensions etc) When he died everything he had went to his third wife, we didn't even get offered a memento like one of his watches for example.
I've never had money, always worked hard until I had to stop a few years ago due to health issues but have always helped out DDs when I can including dgc.
Recently I was lucky enough to come into a nice (to me) bit of money (55k) The first thing we did was transfer a lump sum to the girls accounts & have put some back for dgc. When dd2s dp asked why I was doing it she said it's like an early inheritance as I don't see waiting God knows how many years for me to die for them to get the money when with young families I feel now is the time they probably need it most. If I know my dk are short I just transfer money to their accounts. They know not to bother arguing. I'd much rather go without myself than the kids struggling. As long as we've got enough to pay our bills inc food etc then I'm happy.

Ukrainebaby23 · 23/03/2023 02:15

I voted unreasonable only because ime parents helping out, or anyone helping out financially, tends to come with 'strings' that you may not enjoy. This is especially true if the money is an expectation rather than a true gift.

It's sad they don't help you out, but you can't make them want to.

SheDoneAlreadyHadHersess · 23/03/2023 03:17

I am guessing they are English?

TizerorFizz · 23/03/2023 08:13

I’m a parent and DH and me have given DDs substantial sums for part payment for homes. Much more than modest sums talked about here. We do have enough left for our needs. NO strings attached.

Anyone who hoards money snd doesn’t give is going to deny DC substantial sums on death too. Married couples can exempt around £1m as the rules stand but all wealth above that is 40% tax. That’s a big chunk. So giving earlier whilst retaining reasonable funds is a good idea. Help when it’s needed!

Sunsetintheeast · 23/03/2023 08:30

IHT is 60% over £2m … marginal rate whilst the RNRB is reduced.

Heyhoitsme · 23/03/2023 08:36

We are quite well off and help our adult children a lot. We go on big family holidays and pay for everyone. We pay for meals out, grandchildren school trips etc., it gives us pleasure to lighten their load.

Madamecastafiore · 23/03/2023 09:00

So what if one of them gets poorly and has to go into a very expensive home to facilitate round the clock care but can't as they've diminished their wealth to give their child (family income of 80k!) a few nice holidays. Would you think this is ok? They've got years left in them, things may happen to them and they'll need that money, it's not yours until it's pit into your account if they bequeath it to you upon their passing.

Dee00 · 23/03/2023 09:06

YANBU.
my question to you is, Do your parents know that you could do with financial help?

I am in very similar circumstances to you, my parents are very comfortable and I have 1 Sister. During covid I was out for a walk with my mum and broke down crying to her about how stressed I was about our financial situation. Long story short the next day my parents put a very substantial amount of money in our bank acc and my sisters. Far more than we needed, they wouldn’t accept it back, told us they had plenty money it would all be ours anyway one day, and most importantly they had no clue we had financial worries.

my point is maybe they just assume your doing just fine.

sunglassesonthetable · 23/03/2023 09:11

So what if one of them gets poorly and has to go into a very expensive home to facilitate round the clock care but can't as they've diminished their wealth to give their child (family income of 80k!) a few nice holidays. Would you think this is ok? They've got years left in them, things may happen to them and they'll need that money, it's not yours until it's pit into your account if they bequeath it to you upon their passing.

Where would those 'few nice holidays' be???? The moon? What costs that much?

God Alive, we're not talking OPs parents beggaring themselves.

saraclara · 23/03/2023 09:12

Madamecastafiore · 23/03/2023 09:00

So what if one of them gets poorly and has to go into a very expensive home to facilitate round the clock care but can't as they've diminished their wealth to give their child (family income of 80k!) a few nice holidays. Would you think this is ok? They've got years left in them, things may happen to them and they'll need that money, it's not yours until it's pit into your account if they bequeath it to you upon their passing.

One foreign holiday (that they also get to enjoy themselves) would buy two weeks in my mum's care facility. It's not going to be the difference between them affording care or not. You're being ridiculous. You might as well say they shouldn't be going on three cruises because they'll have care to pay for.

I have to factor in future care as well, but there's still room to help my children.

echt · 23/03/2023 09:31

sunglassesonthetable · 23/03/2023 09:11

So what if one of them gets poorly and has to go into a very expensive home to facilitate round the clock care but can't as they've diminished their wealth to give their child (family income of 80k!) a few nice holidays. Would you think this is ok? They've got years left in them, things may happen to them and they'll need that money, it's not yours until it's pit into your account if they bequeath it to you upon their passing.

Where would those 'few nice holidays' be???? The moon? What costs that much?

God Alive, we're not talking OPs parents beggaring themselves.

Have you read the bit where the OP says money for a foreign holiday, or funding to enable them to work part-time would be good?

It's hardly the "hand to mouth" stuff claimed by the OP. In particular the latter.

saraclara · 23/03/2023 09:37

echt · 23/03/2023 09:31

Have you read the bit where the OP says money for a foreign holiday, or funding to enable them to work part-time would be good?

It's hardly the "hand to mouth" stuff claimed by the OP. In particular the latter.

Show quote history

Have you read the bit where OP said she's NOT asking to be funded to go part time?

sunglassesonthetable · 23/03/2023 09:39

Have you read the bit where OP said she's NOT asking to be funded to go part time?

Indeed

TheHoover · 23/03/2023 09:40

*Have you read the bit where the OP says money for a foreign holiday, or funding to enable them to work part-time would be good?

It's hardly the "hand to mouth" stuff claimed by the OP. In particular the latter.*

I agree. This isn’t hardship, it’s entitlement.
I may be wrong but I’d hazard a guess that most of the YANBUs are millennials. I have never, ever expected anything other than gifts from my parents (same for DH) since leaving uni.

sunglassesonthetable · 23/03/2023 09:42

Of course. If they offered to pay for a holiday I wouldn’t think they meant without them.

Did you read this bit @echt

sunglassesonthetable · 23/03/2023 09:42

You know a holiday that the GOs might get pleasure from too. 😁

sunglassesonthetable · 23/03/2023 09:43

GPs

lifeturnsonadime · 23/03/2023 09:46

The OP has changed their tune throughout the thread.

It is perfectly clear from the OP and subsequent posts that the OP is not hard up.

What she has complained about is having to holiday in the UK and having to work full time.

She is going to have an additional £18k of income a year very soon.

She doesn't need her parents money.

sunglassesonthetable · 23/03/2023 09:49

I agree. This isn’t hardship, it’s entitlement.
I may be wrong but I’d hazard a guess that most of the YANBUs are millennials. I have never, ever expected anything other than gifts from my parents (same for DH) since leaving uni.

Take away coffee, avocado eating, uber riding, foreign holiday taking snow flake millennials no doubt. Give them a whack with a rolled up Daily Mail.

AbuelaGetTheUmbrellas · 23/03/2023 09:49

@ladykale and others saying the OPs parents aren’t rich - of course they are?! How are they not rich when they have significant assets (2 houses and investments) plus a post tax income of over 10k a MONTH! When you say “After income tax it'll be around £50k for two people - do you think a couple earning £50k each are rolling in it?” - that is clearly incorrect! They are not paying any pension, student loan or NI out of their income - tax on an £80k pension is £20k, tax on a £20k pension is negligible. From their £100k pension alone, they are bringing in the best part of £80k AFTER tax! Add to that their additional income from investments/consultancy work (£100k pre-tax, so even worst case scenario £60k post tax) and the fact they have no mortgage or childcare costs - their disposable income is huge! Somewhere in the region of £10k per month!

I can’t imagine having so much disposable income and not even thinking about helping my children with their mortgage so they could have a better quality of life. “Give with warm hands” is the best phrase I’ve seen on this thread - why wait to give until you’ve passed on, you won’t get to see your family enjoy it, and a large proportion of it will just go to the taxman!

lifeturnsonadime · 23/03/2023 09:49

TheHoover · 23/03/2023 09:40

*Have you read the bit where the OP says money for a foreign holiday, or funding to enable them to work part-time would be good?

It's hardly the "hand to mouth" stuff claimed by the OP. In particular the latter.*

I agree. This isn’t hardship, it’s entitlement.
I may be wrong but I’d hazard a guess that most of the YANBUs are millennials. I have never, ever expected anything other than gifts from my parents (same for DH) since leaving uni.

I agree, I find it absolutely shocking.

I've never wanted or expected hand outs to have better holidays or to work part time. Nor has my DH and nor have any of our siblings or peers.

There seems an awful lot of resentment by younger people of their parents. They seem to think they are entitled to be subbed for their entire lives.

It's absolutely shocking tbh, as if they don't think they need to or want to stand on their own two feet.

There are posters on here who say they enjoy gifting their kids, well that's great, that's there right. But they also have the right not to give hand out to entitled adults if they don't want to.