I made my kids pay for the food they took

[piqueen]

Did I go too far?
I took their Christmas money to replace the sweets and treats they took. We do a big shop once a month and I buy all the chocolates/ crisps and other cupboard bits for the month. These are for lunchboxes for the kids, dh and for picnics on the weekend (or pack lunches for days out) , also biscuits and breakfast bars. You know, the good stuff?
I did the shop on the 1st and by the 3rd I thought, the cupboard looked a bit empty on the 3rd (so 2 days) and by the 6th I definitely knew something was up.
The boxes of cereal bars were empty (but still stacked so first glance there is non missing), all the chocolate had gone, the biscuits had been opened and eaten.

me and dh did a big clear out of their room and moved the furniture around. We found all the evidence, evidence which included loads of fridge snacks too. Frubes, cheesestring, baby bell which the wax has got stuck in the carpet.
I was so pissed off i took the kids Xmas money and have been using it to replace the items for DHs lunch only. The kids are having no treats in their lunch and I'm only buying fruit.

The reason we do a big shop is because I don't drive so I get a taxi once a month to keep costs down. (it's cheaper to shop at aldi and pay £10 once a month than shop in sainsburies every week, so I bulk buy aldi and top up at the more expensive shop) The kids have obviously been doing this for some time as there was so much rubbish behind and under the wardrobe.

It's been 2 weeks since I took their money but I feel so guilty. They only get a little bit (it was £40 between them) and they are only 9 and 10 but, also they stole a month's worth of treats for everyone (dh works in a physical job so he gets easy bars he can stick I his pocket, sometimes he is doing a 12 hour shift, very labour intensive and no chance to nip to mcdonalds)

I'm going back and forth between
'actions have consequences' and
'kids will be kids'

I don't even know if the lesson has sunk in because they have been eating loads of fruit instead now which is better but obviously costs more than chocolate bars and the price if everything is going up I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh

Yabu - give the money back
Yanbu - they should pay for the food they took

This !

We’ve always had a rule that DC has to ask before taking food.. my ex DH used to have a box of snacks for work that were just for him and were enough for his shifts, DC had different things for hers..
Id be more annoyed that they left the boxes and wrappers everywhere tbh, but I agree I wouldn’t be replacing the snacks till the next shop, but the kids need to know that those snacks are to last the whole month!
I would probably pay the money into their bank accounts and not tell them, so they think they’ve had to replace Dads snacks, but you don’t feel guilty.. win win!
You 100% need to sit them down though and have a discussion about why they did it without thought for anyone else (ie the food is for everyone for a whole month, not just them!) Also ask why they snack so much.. ar E their meals being served too late after school? Are they not big enough? Etc…. Could they have a small healthy snack when they get in from school to tide them over till dinner etc. or simply are they ‘just eating it because it’s there?!’
Also maybe there needs to be some boundaries about eating in their bedrooms/or clearing away wrappers into a bin…. You’re not their cleaner & they’re old enough to know better.

£40 for a month for 4 people, that's £10 per month per person. Don't know if you've been shopping recently but a 6 pack of crisps is in the region of £1.50, £10 per person for a month is very little to be spending on stuff for lunches. And since the taxi allows her to get up a budget supermarket she's still saving money over shopping at the more expensive ones.

If we get any treats or puddings in the house, he will gorge on the lot within a couple of days. On the other hand, I control the sweets and chocolate that my seven-year-old dd gets.

I have DS and DD of similar ages. I don't control what the younger one gets and oddly, the pre-teen (while eating absolutely massive amounts of food while still skinny as a rake) does not gorge all the treats the minute he sees any. Maybe restrictions really don't work that well?

Why would you not just tell them no you cant . Other people might like some or you'll end up with the shits

I am constantly telling my 12-year-old ds to stop eating so much.

You really need to stop doing this. Teenage boys eat huge amounts because they use loads of energy. My son was a bottomless pit at that age, they’re growing and their muscles are developing and they’re always hungry. By all means steer him towards non junk food but please don’t stop him eating, he needs it.

I do wonder if this is a self inflicted problem. When I was a small child we had three meals a day and didn’t eat at any other time. Now toddlers seem to be given endless snacks and people don’t leave home without them.

You need to ration them and hide the food that you can’t afford to loose in one go, I get how hard it is as my house is full of teenagers (my daughters and friends) so I hide the food and only leave in the cupboards what is available to eat that week. Annoying I know but maybe if they want to eat junk food they could go to the sweet shop with their own money and see how much it costs etc and just give them what they need to live on. Although I think it’s harsh taking their money I also understand why as I have been there and I once was so poor I had to rely on a food bank and came home to my children and their friends using all the beans, noodles etc! If this is the first time then get them to earn it back and have a serious chat about money/food with them x

Your daughter needs to have a word with herself. Kids are ravenous when they get back from school , if she doesn’t want him to snack then he needs a proper mini meal there for him when he gets in. Locking food away because you don’t trust your kid/ don’t care if he’s hungry is likely to set up all sorts of issues later in life

@Floomobal I think you are missing the point, children who push boundaries are secure, happy children. I'd be worried if my children didn't. I always regard children that are too obedient with suspicion, they may not feel able to act as they should in childhood.

So I'd suggest you look a bit more closely at the behaviour of your step sons who live with you half the time, do they feel able to be less than perfect?

Yes ..all kids are different. I just wonder if it wasn’t restricted/hidden then they wouldn’t feel the need to “steal” it? If they’re still eating all the healthy snacks then they must still be hungry/bored. Maybe put out treats for the week then re fill in a certain day each week until they know what’s expected. I feel taking their birthday/Christmas money is unfair..double punishment along with no more treats for the month. Speaking to the kids about their reasons might help. The concept of stealing food is an off one to me..unless it’s someone’s specific birthday chocolate etc..but then we are all different and have different ways of doing things

Yep, we do the same. It's important they learn to understand cause and effect, though we deduct from pocket money rather than gift money usually. I will add ours are not our birth children so missed out on some important developmental stages, and helping them understand cause and effect is building up important neural links. However, I know this isn't an issue exclusive to kids from hard places, and if they don't get the consequences of their actions it's super important we help them learn now rather than let them grow up to be entitled, grabby adults.
It's a common misconception from people who don't understand these processes to suggest 'they dint get enough to eat' and that ignorance can cause all sorts of issues.
If you're like us, there are always healthier options around which they can take at any time, they have just taken the 'treats'. I keep these in my bedroom now.

Oh, and those bleating on about supervision...do they stay up all night on sentry duty 😂

I thin that you’ve had a huge shock by their behaviour and have done the right thing. Lots of good advice here and some unnecessary and sarcastic comments too, which I hope you will ignore.

One of my grandchildren, a girl aged 12, was very greedy about sweets and cakes, quite worryingly so. Thankfully, she seems to have grown out of the wholesale plundering of the food cupboard!

Do hope it all goes well in the future.

'put their share in it at the beginning of the month. They can eat it all in two days or make it last the month. Their choice.Then put yours/DHs out of reach.'

This is a great idea if it works, and worth trying. It didn't work with us, they'd scoff their own then move on to others. It's strange people automatically categorise this as punishment. Yes, I can see the argument about double punishing for sure, but what this is doing is teaching life lessons. There are so many young people I encounter through my work that are shocked and confused when they grow up to find they can't take whatever they want whenever they want it because they've never been allowed to learn from the consequences of their actions. Do we need to create more work fridge pilferers etc? We're setting them up to fail if we don't help them learn this stuff. My response is 'I am sorry that I thought you were strong enough not to take stuff just because it was there. That was my mistake, and I have decided not to buy these/keep them safe until you are strong enough to make the right choices.'

@Goldenbear I don't have the answer but (generalising of course) children, just like adults, don't always eat because they're hungry - lots of them are attracted to processed, sugary, salty, fatty stuff and if it wasn't there they wouldn't necessarily go for fruit/crackers/cheese instead. A cupboard full is a temptation. My DC are 12 and 10 so we're trying to find a balance with it at the moment - not make 'treats' all but forbidden and therefore extra appealing, but also not have them on tap.

The idea that children should be able to help themselves to a month's worth of stuff and it's abusive or controlling not to let them is bizarre, and I also don't believe many parents do give kids complete free reign on processed snacks - people on this thread are just piling on the OP.

No kid is hungry enough to need 3 bowls of cereal between school lunch and their evening meal - they just like cereal and would rather go for that rather than making something more filling!

Someone upthread said a sandwich, crisps, twix, apple and banana isn't much lunch for an 11 year old. It's plenty for an adult FFS!

OP you and probably the DC too have shocked yourselves with this - it won't be long before you can laugh about it "remember the time we raided the snack cupboard and thought mum would never find out? her face! I felt sick for days though..." Good luck.

I'd take the cost of the food they stole and explain that no-one is giving you the food for free. It has to be paid for. It's an important lesson to learn.

I would maybe let them have treats in their lunchboxes again.

I disagree with those who imply that your kids must be hungry and that's why they're stealing food. They're not stealing fruit or bread; they're stealing treats. it's not a hunger issue. Plus, did they tell you they were hungry? Explain that if they're hungry, they should let you know and you will decide what is appropriate for them to have and that sometimes the answer will be 'no', i.e. 20 mins before dinner time. Did you notice a decrease in appetite at mealtimes when they're been taking food? That would again indicate that it's not about hunger but about wanting to eat treats.

it sucks to feel mean, especially when you already feel that they didn't get a lot of xmas money but that's your guilt talking. there are rules, they broke them, there are consequences. end of.

Mainly because he won't believe it about the shits, I suppose. I have attended school assemblies on eating fruit and children end up with the idea you can eat as much fruit as you like and it will only do you good, whereas too much can cause diarrhoea and fructose turns to acid in the mouth which destroys enamel (hence dentists' warning not to clean teeth for an hour after eating fruit - enamel is slightly softened). I was joking, btw.

JFC no wonder there are so many fat kids and adults about with most of the responses on this thread.

Frubes - full of sugar.

If OP had said they had snuck away natural yoghurt, completely different story.

Cheese - high in saturated fat and salt

Crisps - salty, fatty goodness.

I despair.

OP fair play to you, I think it’s a harsh lesson for them to learn that if not now, when?

I suspect YOUR’E missing the point. The snack cupboard is obvious, and they can help themselves if they want a treat. Although sometimes we say not to, as dinner is about to be served etc.

The fruit bowl is always full, and they can help themselves to what they want. If there are 2 packets of crisps, and they eat them and want more - there are no more. It’s not rocket science.

But I also don’t shriek “you’ve STOLEN the crisps!!!! I was planning on them being eaten on XDay, so now YOU have to PAY for them, because YOU’VE STOLEN THEM!!!! Now give me your Christmas money to settle your bill for the food that you’ve enjoyed in your home, because you’re a child and you didn’t BUY it originally, so you’ve STOLEN it from me and your dad”

I think the OP’s attitude, and those that agree with her is disturbing and damaging

I wish I knew where he was using the energy. Apart from school, he spends most of his time in his bedroom on his PlayStation. Please don’t misunderstand, I don’t mind the snacking I just wish it wasn’t quite so much. I bought a pack of six chocolate mousses from Iceland the other day. He ate four in one evening. At Easter and Christmas, I have to hide the chocolate and sweets otherwise he will literally eat until he’s sick. He has also been known to sneak food out of the fridge, freezer and cupboards without checking with me first. But it sounds like this is a thing that preteens do. It frustrates me a little bit, because how do I know if we’re getting low on something if I don’t know that he’s taking it? I can’t replenish something if I don’t know that it needs to be replenished. I do try and stop him from snacking very late in the evening though. I feel that 9:30 in the evening it’s too late for snacking. I control my seven year olds sweets because she has this full on phobia of being sick so she constantly asks me: Is this enough? will I be sick?

It would never have occurred to me, as a child or an adult, that eating food from the kitchen at home amounted to stealing. My grandchildren will usually ask if they want something like a Kit kat or a bag of crisps but they will help themselves to biscuits, and I don't feel that they have stolen them. (I should point out that I don't feed them entirely on snacks!)

If I had found out that my kids were secretly eating and hiding the evidence, I would be upset because I hadn't realised that they were hungry and because they had felt the need to hide things from me. I would also expect my husband to be capable of sorting out his own snacks. I would never have taken their Christmas money. Frankly, I think that that is appalling.

OP, I think the idea of them being able to earn it back is fine, and I would also occasionally give them the treats too, during that time. Make sure there is food that they know they are free to help themselves to if they are hungry, and that they are clear on what things they need to ask about because they are to be shared across the whole family. You might also talk about it being better to eat downstairs so that there aren’t crumbs that could attract mice in their bedrooms!

Why don't you believe that posters so give free reign on processed snacks. I absolutely do as processed would include quite a few things if you think about it. My DC just don't eat it all at once, they just don't as they self regulate. I'm not sure why children not gorging on food is so surprising!

Also why do people always compare adult consumption with children who are growing and developing. It always is uses as an argument for how excess some children are if they are eating more than adults. What 'all' adults whatever size shape and age? My Mum is small in height and small in weight and eats half of what my DD at nearly 12 eats but she is an adult so it must mean my DD is overeating but she obviously isn't as she is very thin and slightly taller than my Mum. If I ate like my 15 year old DS I would put on a stone within a week! It is a silly comparison and doesn't prove anything.