I made my kids pay for the food they took

[piqueen]

Did I go too far?
I took their Christmas money to replace the sweets and treats they took. We do a big shop once a month and I buy all the chocolates/ crisps and other cupboard bits for the month. These are for lunchboxes for the kids, dh and for picnics on the weekend (or pack lunches for days out) , also biscuits and breakfast bars. You know, the good stuff?
I did the shop on the 1st and by the 3rd I thought, the cupboard looked a bit empty on the 3rd (so 2 days) and by the 6th I definitely knew something was up.
The boxes of cereal bars were empty (but still stacked so first glance there is non missing), all the chocolate had gone, the biscuits had been opened and eaten.

me and dh did a big clear out of their room and moved the furniture around. We found all the evidence, evidence which included loads of fridge snacks too. Frubes, cheesestring, baby bell which the wax has got stuck in the carpet.
I was so pissed off i took the kids Xmas money and have been using it to replace the items for DHs lunch only. The kids are having no treats in their lunch and I'm only buying fruit.

The reason we do a big shop is because I don't drive so I get a taxi once a month to keep costs down. (it's cheaper to shop at aldi and pay £10 once a month than shop in sainsburies every week, so I bulk buy aldi and top up at the more expensive shop) The kids have obviously been doing this for some time as there was so much rubbish behind and under the wardrobe.

It's been 2 weeks since I took their money but I feel so guilty. They only get a little bit (it was £40 between them) and they are only 9 and 10 but, also they stole a month's worth of treats for everyone (dh works in a physical job so he gets easy bars he can stick I his pocket, sometimes he is doing a 12 hour shift, very labour intensive and no chance to nip to mcdonalds)

I'm going back and forth between
'actions have consequences' and
'kids will be kids'

I don't even know if the lesson has sunk in because they have been eating loads of fruit instead now which is better but obviously costs more than chocolate bars and the price if everything is going up I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh

Yabu - give the money back
Yanbu - they should pay for the food they took

It's not OK to take it all when you know it's for the whole family

No, but because it's inconsiderate, not because it's stealing. Wouldn't call the police, would I. Would explain why we are kind.

I’m with you OP. My children (particularly my son) have spates of stealing food. They just do it to see if it’s possible not because they are hungry. They know they can have food if they ask. I get so annoyed when I find the evidence as I’ve budgeted for the food and know how long the food will last.
id not thought of making them pay but it’s a bloody good idea.
So far I’ve just taken the treat part of their lunches out. This clearly hasn’t got the message through to him though!!

Well the op hasn't phoned the police has she? She admitted she probably over reacted a bit

If one of your children ate the others Easter eggs they may see it as a bit more then inconsiderate though

But why are they overeating, it is simplistic to blame it on biscuits and cakes. Are they sedentary, I mean the use of tablets over toys suggests it is a bit of a coincidence that over the last 10 years and more has seen this upward trajectory in weight gain alongside children using tech for long periods of time. My DC always played with toys which a) entertained them and b) meant they did not boredom eat, their elation was around toys not food. They also went to the park after school frequently and walked 3 miles to school and back in total and the eldest is always playing football and basketball at the park.

Was the sandwich etc his after school snack?

So you believe the reason most people are overweight is because they were denied unlimited sugary treats as children?

Of course they do lots of crazy things 🤣 but generally not related to food. About food, we work on it, we never really take it all completely away, monetise it so as to say, divide it into individual cupboards or smt. it's much better to teach them to think for themselves and give them tools of critical thinking to figure out if it's the right thing to eat 5 bags of crisps in one go. Hiding or harsh punishments don't solve the root cause of the problem. Also you need plenty of good food around. I'm not saying we're perfect, sorry if sounded a bit preachy there, but I really think it's not the kids that are a problem vast majority of the time...

So you believe the reason most people are overweight is because they were denied unlimited sugary treats as children?

That's probably one part of the problem yes, it's psychological... But lots of other factors, sedentary lifestyle, fatty food at home, at school, attitudes of family, friends... But denying food is not helpful.

No and it is disingenuous for you to extract my information to make your point. My point was that by not restricting food they developed self regulatory habits. It is about trust though and I don't see myself as an autocrat as a mother many are not willing to relinquish that power.

Not at that age they don't all

I still have to tell one of mine at 12 that no, you can't eat the whole punnet of grapes

And if ops dc were able to self regulate they wouldn't have eaten a month's worth of snacks in less than a week.

I think your decision to make them pay was a teency bit harsh but i understand why you did it and once you've made it you have to stick to it. Maybe a pocket money reward later if they start sticking to some new rules about how many snacks per day. That way you won't feel so bad as no long term taking of their money.

Also hide the snacks. It's not fair to expect children to have control that even some adults (me) don't have. If I saw a month's worth of snacks I think I'd eat a packet tinking it hardly will be noticed, whereas taking the last one, or one of 5 is less likely.

Maybe a locked location and just get a weeks worth out at a time.

Honestly don't understand this approach to 'treat' giving in the first place. I'd also not have more than a weeks worth in the house at one time. I started allowing my DC to help themselves to any snacks from around 4 years old. They learnt to self regulate and always ate their main meals. They are now 16 &17 year old, slim, fit and active. No food concerns- can't day the same about myself tho!

Sounds like they maybe hungry

Yabu they are only little kids eating snacks as people have said give them a certain amount for the week and when it is gone that's it, and explain to them why, and give them their Xmas money back,who would charge their children for food, they didn't steal they help themselves to some food.

I did say it is a work in progress. My youngest is still impulsive but it is usually if she has had very little in the day due to not liking anything on offer at school or due to not eating enough at school as she has forgotten. My eldest is nearly 16 though and has eats a lot but will definitely stop himself and will leave stuff for another day. I don't really have much say over what he buys at the shops after school and I won't have any say when/if he goes to university in 2 years time so there is literally no point in micro managing a 16 year old's diet IMO.

Kids are growing and so they do get more hungry between meals, but it sounds very extreme what you are describing.

Had a similar situation with my partners 2 children who would do exactly the same, proper breakfasts of pancakes, fruit, cereal were made, lovely picnic lunches with filling sandwiches, fruits, crisps etc as a picnic, and proper evening meals family home cooked stuff with home made wedges etc so meals weren't boring.

I began to get very pissed off at finding snack cupboards half empty only on a Saturday when I'd only gone shopping on a Friday, wrappers upstsirs everywhere, and then getting to find id spent all my Saturday off work cooking ace meals from 5 pm and cleaning the kitchen to find two kids not eating the evening meal saying they're full after 3 mouth fuls and wasted expensive meals.

Then yep you guessed it not even half an hour after dinner hearing the chocolate cupboards and fridge opening again. I got very cross one evening and said no, out of the cupboards, I cannot afford to replace it all for packed lunches for next week, youve eaten nearly all of a whole weeks chocolate biscuits, pringles and cupcakes in 2 days and packed lunches need to be made. I was very cross. And reminded my partner they have just wasted full meals of lovely kid friendly tasty food saying they were too full
.
I said a firm no and if they were hungry they could finish the lasagne and wedges or whatever I'd made or have some fruit. Surprise surprise they said no.

Following on from that i asked respectfully that due to the insane amount of chocolate crisps and cake etc eaten in just 48 hours that they now had to ask for chocolate and chocolate bars or cakes etc.

These are things that should be monitored anyway due to sugar so no its not unreasonable to expect control and restrictions around these foods.
Make them ask if they want chocolate or crisps and explain these are not healthy food to be eating constantly.
I was very shocked and taken aback by how much chocolate and crap my partners youngest can eat sat watching a film
Shes only 8 and a tiny thing and i returned one day to a carrier bag on the sofa whilst he watched a film with her. He'd taken her to the newsagents for sweets and she'd eaten a full size twix, a full size Terry's chocolate orange bar, a grab bag of crisps quavers etc, 2 kinder eggs, half a pack of chocolate digestives, a half litre of coke, a full pack of star burst and was finishing off a dairy milk bar. It was only 35 minutes into the film. I will never forget that I woild have been physically sick.
As well as the obvious why the hell is he letting her eat all that I was just blown away. Same thing that night. Tea not eaten, then wanting more sugar.

You have to restrain it as sugar is addictive and causes crashes leading to wanting more very quickly.

Id highly suggest you enforce nicely that chocolate, pack up treats etc must be asked for and explain it is not very considerate as it means crap lunches for everyone theb as you can't afford to buy it again.
When I was growing up we had to ask. I think its respext and good manners and also you need to keep an eye on kids sugar intake anyway

I'm swimming upstream here, but...the fact that it was ONLY the snack foods that went missing says a lot. At 9 and 10, they are perfectly capable of fixing a sandwich. When mine were that age, they certainly could. They were also perfectly well-fed, and perfectly willing to sneak anything they thought that they could get away with. My answer was to talk with them, explain that there is only so much money to buy snacks to last the whole month, and you've eaten them in a week. No more snacks in your lunch boxes for a month. You ate them all. AND you ate DHs snacks, as well.

This was absolutely shocking to read. If kids resort to stealing food it's clear they don't have enough. And taking their Christmas money which bless them was already so little only to buy treats for your husband?? that's appalling

it's not even stealing might I add, it's taking food from the food cupboard in their own home. so sad

YABU
I don’t like this at all. In their home, your children should feel able to
snack. Kids get really hungry, they’re growing and need food! Think about the food you have for them to snack on - toast, cereals etc. Talk with them and agree together what would work for them that also works for you.

So they've obviously been nicking a couple of bits and bobs

The idea that kids can see seen to ‘nick’ food in their own home makes me feel very sad for the kids

Parents do have a responsibility to teach children that stealing is wrong. However, taking sweets out of a cupboard in your family home does not really = stealing. Having rubbish under the wardrobe suggests some inadequate housekeeping - not that I wish to criticise, I dislike housework! But the whole post is just unpleasant. I would not treat my children like this, I'd get cross and say if you want a Twix, ask for one - to which request I will generally say 'yes' and also leave out a box of such things for general consumption. I also would buy far fewer of such things - the only thing on the list of treats I would buy in any quantity is the babybells (handy if you are following one of the commercial slimming orgnisations' programmes) - and they are expensive, so 'any' quantity is still going to be low. I'd also avoid doing a months' shop of anything other than frozen and tinned/packeted food. Fresh food needs buying rather more frequently. Also, learn to drive so a taxi is not required and it is easier to get to your favoured shop more often.

Perhaps he likes cereal? It's a surprising choice, I admit. The crisps are perfectly understandable, and also 'moreish'. I also think 3 bowls is rather excessive, though.

I'd let him eat the whole punnet of grapes and make him pay for the extra lavatory paper. He'd realise it's not just greed that is disapproved of.

All of the people saying “it’s their house too” or “they’re obviously hungry” clearly, don’t have preteens living in the house. I am constantly telling my 12-year-old ds to stop eating so much. If we get any treats or puddings in the house, he will gorge on the lot within a couple of days. On the other hand, I control the sweets and chocolate that my seven-year-old dd gets. My kids are not lacking for food but with everything costing so much these days I literally can’t afford to replace whatever my son eats. And preteens if they can access food that they enjoy, they will eat it regardless of the consequences. I do not think that the OP is being unreasonable in charging the kids for the treats that they enjoy.