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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about my ‘secret’ day off today

151 replies

Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:06

I have booked a day off work today.

I haven’t told anyone but I am suddenly feeling very guilty about it.

I just want a ‘me’ day today, a day when I will do nothing but listen to music and snooze with the dog.
But I can’t stop this nagging, guilty feeling.

For context, I feel that I do quite a bit for all in my family. Not saying this in a woe is me/martyr kind of way, it’s just how things have panned out over the years but I do get overwhelmed by it all at times.

Dc are now 17 and 15. 17 year old ds was very hard work for a long time with school anxiety/refusal and it took many years for me to get him to a good place. Neve really had any help from dh with this as he doesn’t understand mental health issues and works full time so for 6 stressful years I was battling with the school and GP to try to get ds help.

Then my mum got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad does not cope but refuses care coming in to help. I help my parents out, about 5 days a week. It’s draining. My dsis and I do a lot for them but dad is so engrossed in his own stress from it all that he doesn’t really see or appreciate this. He moans a lot! I really feel for him but the last 4 years have taken there toll where my parents are concerned. Dementia is so bloody hard on everyone concerned.

I am struggling with my own health issues - poor mental health, gynae issues, awful digestive issues and bloody awful perimenopause symptoms to top it all!

Then to top it all my darling little dog passed away 6 months ago. Losing him has had a huge impact on my mental health. I miss him so, so much. We got a rescue. We love him but he is such hard work and we will continue to try to get him to a good place but again, that’s all so very draining.

Lastly, it was my 50th birthday at the weekend. I received some lovely gifts from friends and family, for that I am very grateful but the day was completely ruined by me by suffering a huge IBS flare up so I ended up doing nothing (other than having a few tears in between my discomfort!). I also found myself still doing all the normal ‘chores’ like unloading the dishwasher whilst dh sat in the living room on fucking Tik Tok (he does work very hard all week but I just wanted a day off from the normal drudgery things).

Anyhow. I work part time and had booked today off as I fancied a long weekend. I popped in on mum and dad yesterday (as I say, I usually go in 5 days or so). As I was leaving dad asked if I was working today, I said yes and I will see you both on Wednesday (I take mum to a day centre on Wednesdays) but as soon as I said that I felt a huge wave of guilt and I am still feeling that today. Part of me feels that I should just pop in and see them today but the truth is that I don’t want to. I want to sit in a quiet house whilst everyone is out and just slob out and snooze.

AIBU to want to do this?

OP posts:
kmbegs · 21/03/2023 09:09

The only thing unreasonable is feeling bad about it and feeling like you have to explain yourself! Enjoy your day.

AlisonDonut · 21/03/2023 09:09

Yes you are working today. On yourself.

Your annual leave days are yours to take for whatever you want.

Enjoy and go back to bed.

EatYourVegetables · 21/03/2023 09:09

Enjoy your day off. Try to add some exercise to extend the benefits of it, and do not feel guilty.

ditalini · 21/03/2023 09:10

YANBU. I discovered I had two days of annual leave that I wasn't able to carry over last month and luckily managed to get them booked in rather than lose them.

I had my first one last week and I didn't tell anyone (except dh) and did absolutely nothing other than potter and watch box sets. It kind of felt like bunking off school and it was GREAT.

This week I'm doing some holiday prep and visiting my mum.

Normally I take all my leave during the school holidays so it was really unusual to have a day completely to myself and I feel all the better for it.

littlefireseverywhere · 21/03/2023 09:11

Enjoy today, sounds like you need more of these days!

LittleBlueBrioTrain · 21/03/2023 09:12

You are working. You're working on your own self care. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Enjoy your day

nubofcheese · 21/03/2023 09:13

YABU if you are going to waste the day feeling guilty, that will drain you even more.

YANBU to have a lovely guilt-free day off!

itsallgoingpetetong · 21/03/2023 09:13

You are absolutely not being unreasonable! Omg i could have literally nearly have written the same post, you have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. Try and enjoy your day, doing whatever you want to do. I often tell my kids i am working when im not, so i can leave the house early, avoid the before school chaos, and just have a nice walk or shop in peace. If you dont look after your own mental health it affects everything so its important to have that time.The uncomfortable guilty feeling will pass.

Glamourreader · 21/03/2023 09:14

You're allowed this, enjoy! X

Mindymomo · 21/03/2023 09:14

You sound like you fully deserve a day to yourself (and the dog).

IsGoodIsDon · 21/03/2023 09:14

I would take a week off not just a day. Enjoy it

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 09:15

Rest recover be your best self

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:16

Thank you everyone, your replies have eased that guilt a little. I knew deep down I wasn’t BU, we all need a day to ourselves from time to time but that bloody nagging voice won’t let me rest!

OP posts:
WingingItSince1973 · 21/03/2023 09:18

I'm doing exactly the same today. One of my dds just asked me to go shopping with her but I'm absolutely done in running around after everyone the last few months. I'm chilling and doing some crochet and listening to some podcasts. Have a lovely day and DONT feel a smidge of guilt xxx

BarrelOfOtters · 21/03/2023 09:19

You can’t look after other people without looking after yourself.it doesn’t sound like you’ve been given time to do that. In your circumstances I’d probably have been signed off work by now.

we had a member of staff who was trying to juggle all sorts of crap, she needed a break so we quietly let her work a 4 day week but be paid 5 days…otherwise she was going to go off long term sick. She needed the structure and escape of work but also needed time to de stress and take care of herself. She’d go for a long walk every Friday…or sometimes just sit home and cry…

talk to your work? talk to your GP. Get some resilience built in before it gets worse.

also your husband needs to step up. Perimenopause is bad enough without everything else.

your IBS will probably improve if you less stressed.

Feel no guilt, enjoy your day off…I frequently do this.

Woodywasatwat · 21/03/2023 09:20

Fuck me, if I was you, I’d take a whole working week off and not tell anyone. Or say I had to go away with work and book a hotel on my own for a few days.

Infact, I would be doing that anyway. Go away on your own to recharge and everyone else will have to wait.

You are going to burn yourself out.

itsallgoingpetetong · 21/03/2023 09:22

@BarrelOfOtters what a lovely thing to do re your staff member 🙂

watcherintherye · 21/03/2023 09:22

You’re working hard on looking after yourself, precisely so that you do have the reserves to draw on to visit your parents regularly etc.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 09:23

Think on op if you don't look after you how can you look after anyone else?
Enjoy your well deserved day off!

kezzieliza · 21/03/2023 09:24

When I was teaching my head of department told me it was as important to have 'mental health sickness days' as physical sickness days. Sounds like you need a mental health day and definitely no guilt needed! Enjoy.

whatisheupto · 21/03/2023 09:24

You don't need anyone's permission.

But you do need your own permission.

Allow yourself this day. Talk to yourself as you would talk to a dear friend. What would you tell your friend if she had written your post? Treat yourself as you would treat others!

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 21/03/2023 09:24

Take the week off and spend some time planning on how to tell ‘DH’ to be more useful to you in a practical and emotional sense. He doesn’t need to understand mental health but he needs to show some empathy towards the most vulnerable people in his family.

Relaxingtime · 21/03/2023 09:25

Happy birthday
You deserve to treat yourself and lift yourself up.
No guilt is needed.
You need to look after number 1 before you look after everyone else.

Woodywasatwat · 21/03/2023 09:25

BarrelOfOtters · 21/03/2023 09:19

You can’t look after other people without looking after yourself.it doesn’t sound like you’ve been given time to do that. In your circumstances I’d probably have been signed off work by now.

we had a member of staff who was trying to juggle all sorts of crap, she needed a break so we quietly let her work a 4 day week but be paid 5 days…otherwise she was going to go off long term sick. She needed the structure and escape of work but also needed time to de stress and take care of herself. She’d go for a long walk every Friday…or sometimes just sit home and cry…

talk to your work? talk to your GP. Get some resilience built in before it gets worse.

also your husband needs to step up. Perimenopause is bad enough without everything else.

your IBS will probably improve if you less stressed.

Feel no guilt, enjoy your day off…I frequently do this.

That’s a really lovely thing to hear.

pizzaHeart · 21/03/2023 09:26

My answer was : yes, you deserve it , even before I read your post. Now the answer’s changed to : yes, you absolutely deserve it!
Enjoy your day and don’t tell anyone else about it.