To feel guilty about my ‘secret’ day off today

[Sixmonthcruise]

I have booked a day off work today.

I haven’t told anyone but I am suddenly feeling very guilty about it.

I just want a ‘me’ day today, a day when I will do nothing but listen to music and snooze with the dog.
But I can’t stop this nagging, guilty feeling.

For context, I feel that I do quite a bit for all in my family. Not saying this in a woe is me/martyr kind of way, it’s just how things have panned out over the years but I do get overwhelmed by it all at times.

Dc are now 17 and 15. 17 year old ds was very hard work for a long time with school anxiety/refusal and it took many years for me to get him to a good place. Neve really had any help from dh with this as he doesn’t understand mental health issues and works full time so for 6 stressful years I was battling with the school and GP to try to get ds help.

Then my mum got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad does not cope but refuses care coming in to help. I help my parents out, about 5 days a week. It’s draining. My dsis and I do a lot for them but dad is so engrossed in his own stress from it all that he doesn’t really see or appreciate this. He moans a lot! I really feel for him but the last 4 years have taken there toll where my parents are concerned. Dementia is so bloody hard on everyone concerned.

I am struggling with my own health issues - poor mental health, gynae issues, awful digestive issues and bloody awful perimenopause symptoms to top it all!

Then to top it all my darling little dog passed away 6 months ago. Losing him has had a huge impact on my mental health. I miss him so, so much. We got a rescue. We love him but he is such hard work and we will continue to try to get him to a good place but again, that’s all so very draining.

Lastly, it was my 50th birthday at the weekend. I received some lovely gifts from friends and family, for that I am very grateful but the day was completely ruined by me by suffering a huge IBS flare up so I ended up doing nothing (other than having a few tears in between my discomfort!). I also found myself still doing all the normal ‘chores’ like unloading the dishwasher whilst dh sat in the living room on fucking Tik Tok (he does work very hard all week but I just wanted a day off from the normal drudgery things).

Anyhow. I work part time and had booked today off as I fancied a long weekend. I popped in on mum and dad yesterday (as I say, I usually go in 5 days or so). As I was leaving dad asked if I was working today, I said yes and I will see you both on Wednesday (I take mum to a day centre on Wednesdays) but as soon as I said that I felt a huge wave of guilt and I am still feeling that today. Part of me feels that I should just pop in and see them today but the truth is that I don’t want to. I want to sit in a quiet house whilst everyone is out and just slob out and snooze.

AIBU to want to do this?

Can't believe you're even asking the stupidest question ever.

💐💐💐💐
You have a hard life Hun X you are doing your best. I congratulate you in it x some folks don't realise how the impact of loosing a pet can affect you, I do know x you have a good day, it's a shame you couldn't do a spa day or even just book an hotel room for the day just so you were uninterrupted and away from ' normal' things.
By the time I'm writing this, it will have passed but I hope you had a few hours relaxing. Don't beat yourself up sweetie 🥰

You are really overthinking this OP

You weren't put on this earth to be a servant to everyone else. You deserve as much 'me' time as anyone. Regard a day off as nurturing and caring for yourself. Always remember, you are the glue holding everything together so looking after yourself is an absolute priority.

I do this frequently!!! I work for myself at least once a month give myself the day off but make out I’m working so don’t get pestered to do anything else. I normally go out in morning after school drop off to gym / have a lovely long breakfast with magazine then come back when I’m sure husband has left for work and have a nap or a bath or watch a cheesy film. It’s brilliant!!! And I refuse to do any chores in house.

I do same thing. When parents were alive and asked , I would say I am working. Luckily my DH understood and kept my ‘secret’ . I would take DS to school or childminder (as I would have had to pay her anyway) and then come back, close the front door - and breathe. Couple of days before I would buy some good magazines, a box of chocs and a DVD and put on my joggers. Close the curtains and hibernate for the day. You need to work on your own well-being . I used to do it once every couple of months. Heaven

I’m really glad you enjoyed your day and obviously, as you now know, you were not being unreasonable!

you should try to do this more often.

I have ibs, it is sooooo much worse when I’ve got something stressful happening in my life.

Please try to get a couple of nights away somewhere if you can for a little respite.

It's called self-care and it's fine. Can't pour from an empty cup etc etc

Your DH should have made more of an effort on your 50th. I would have a word.

Darlin', women are trained from infancy that everyone else comes first. And we feel guilty when we take any time for ourselves. But here's the truth of the matter, if we do not take care of ourselves, we have nothing left to give anyone else. Rest, refresh, recharge. It is one of the best things that you can do for yourself, and for your loved ones! Both you and they deserve a "you" with freshly charged batteries!

Absolutely this!

(I don't know what's wrong with the 3% who went for YABU, but ignore them!)

No need to feel guilty at all. In fact you should book a few in for the rest of the year too. I started doing compressed hours at work over a year ago, so I get every other Monday off. I haven’t told my mum otherwise she’d had another list of jobs for me to do! Most of the time I use my non-working Monday to catch up with home/life stuff but the days when I do nothing but potter about or catch up on a bit of tv are bliss!

I'm so pleased you are getting a carer in place, it will be good for your parents as well as yourself. If your dad isn't pleased you will just need to be honest with him and tell him it's all too much.

Good luck and remember to continue taking care of yourself x

YANBU

'Sharpen the saw' is one of my favourite pieces of advice from Steven Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

Take time to rest, recharge and grow, especially if all round you are energy drains and you are their battery. Mixed metaphors, but it's essential.

You're feeling guilty because you've cast yourself - and others have cast you - in the battery role. And now you're acting out of role.

You can change this. It will mean changing the way they think and feel about and behave towards you.

And that starts with changing how you think about and present yourself to them.

You have needs, and they include receiving help and support as well as being everyone else's help and support.

Time to take that quiet space and think through your statement to them all. Explain exactly what you are dealing and coping with yourself as far as you feel comfortable to, and state your needs.

They may include everyone:
Seeking available help from other sources
Doing more things they can reasonably do for themselves
Considering how you're feeling before they impose on you
Pitching in to help with the tasks of home, family and pets

There will be pushback, resentment, whingeing.

It's hard, but it's time for you - and them - to consider your own wellbeing, too.

https://www.franklincovey.com/habit-7/

I hope you enjoyed your day off. You haven't hurt anyone. Just enjoy 😊

Not unreasonable AT ALL. You can't care for others if you don't care for yourself. You wouldn't expect your car to work forever if you don't refuel it or your phone to stay on permanently without charging it so same applies here.

Also-as someone whose recent big birthday also didnt go to plan for health and family reasons-book another day off so you have something to look forward to (maybe a Friday before one of the upcoming bank holidays) and plan something to celebrate your birthday, either with a friend or alone. You 1000% deserve this!

Why does it even have to be a secret? Just take a day off for yourself whenever you need to, let those who need to know and you need a break and that's it. Your family should support you and be happy for you to take the time off. No need to hide it.

It’s maybe a stupid question to you Doone21 but do you have a df who puts pressure on you to help him out with your dm (who suffers from Alzheimer’s) and if he knew you were off and not working that day he would ring or FaceTime you with questions and worries?
Thank you fuzzywuzzywombat I am definitely putting the day in a hotel on my wish list of other ‘secret’ days off!
We really are Mamanyt, especially my generation and those older than me. I make sure my dd knows that she is equally important as everyone else, male or female and he needs are just as important. Just need to tell myself that!!
Thank you JFDIYOLO I will check that out.
LT1982 I’m sorry your big day didn’t go to plan either. I am going to do something in the summer, hope you have other plans too?
Dreamstate it’s mainly ‘secret’ from my df. He will constantly ring if he knew I was at home and not working, I help my parents most days, I needed a day to myself.

Unreasonable to have a day off? My God, if I had to contend with all that you do I'd be on the next flight to the Australian outback! You need a month off love, not a day.

No not at all, we all need a "me" day from time to time. Please don't feel guilty- think of it as filling your cup back up so that you can keep being there for everyone. If you're running on empty you can't do that. I'm 8m pregnant and have booked a day off next week while my daughter is in school- normally I would feel guilty about using holiday when she is in school but i am finding things tough and stressful at the moment and I really need a day today myself.

Schedule more of these self love days. You are carrying a giant mental load for the family. Sending love ❤️

We sing the praises of self care all the time these days and I dare say on the odd occasion it's not really necessary and we're too soft on ourselves. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE DAYS. You, my love, sound like you really, truly need it. Enjoy take care xxx

Thank you, you lovely people. I will definitely have more time off for myself in the future, it was a lovely afternoon.

YABU, but only for sneaking around. You want a day off to relax. You deserve it. But you're not relaxed because you've kept it secret. You don't feel yourself as though you deserve it, otherwise you'd be shouting from the rooftops that you're having some time out to concentrate on you.

Take another day of next week or next month, but this time tell everybody that that's what you'll be doing, and that you'll be switching your phone off so you can fully unwind. And enjoy it! If you don't respect your own right to have time to yourself to unwind and recoup, then nobody else will either ...

Take your day without any guilt.

You are NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

I have the day off to let ME have a breather. Doing this should in no way make you feel guilty.

If I do not do this, then without fail, people ask me to do XYZ or think they can give me jobs to do on my rare days off.

This is normal.
Take the day off.
Enjoy yourself :)