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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about my ‘secret’ day off today

151 replies

Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:06

I have booked a day off work today.

I haven’t told anyone but I am suddenly feeling very guilty about it.

I just want a ‘me’ day today, a day when I will do nothing but listen to music and snooze with the dog.
But I can’t stop this nagging, guilty feeling.

For context, I feel that I do quite a bit for all in my family. Not saying this in a woe is me/martyr kind of way, it’s just how things have panned out over the years but I do get overwhelmed by it all at times.

Dc are now 17 and 15. 17 year old ds was very hard work for a long time with school anxiety/refusal and it took many years for me to get him to a good place. Neve really had any help from dh with this as he doesn’t understand mental health issues and works full time so for 6 stressful years I was battling with the school and GP to try to get ds help.

Then my mum got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad does not cope but refuses care coming in to help. I help my parents out, about 5 days a week. It’s draining. My dsis and I do a lot for them but dad is so engrossed in his own stress from it all that he doesn’t really see or appreciate this. He moans a lot! I really feel for him but the last 4 years have taken there toll where my parents are concerned. Dementia is so bloody hard on everyone concerned.

I am struggling with my own health issues - poor mental health, gynae issues, awful digestive issues and bloody awful perimenopause symptoms to top it all!

Then to top it all my darling little dog passed away 6 months ago. Losing him has had a huge impact on my mental health. I miss him so, so much. We got a rescue. We love him but he is such hard work and we will continue to try to get him to a good place but again, that’s all so very draining.

Lastly, it was my 50th birthday at the weekend. I received some lovely gifts from friends and family, for that I am very grateful but the day was completely ruined by me by suffering a huge IBS flare up so I ended up doing nothing (other than having a few tears in between my discomfort!). I also found myself still doing all the normal ‘chores’ like unloading the dishwasher whilst dh sat in the living room on fucking Tik Tok (he does work very hard all week but I just wanted a day off from the normal drudgery things).

Anyhow. I work part time and had booked today off as I fancied a long weekend. I popped in on mum and dad yesterday (as I say, I usually go in 5 days or so). As I was leaving dad asked if I was working today, I said yes and I will see you both on Wednesday (I take mum to a day centre on Wednesdays) but as soon as I said that I felt a huge wave of guilt and I am still feeling that today. Part of me feels that I should just pop in and see them today but the truth is that I don’t want to. I want to sit in a quiet house whilst everyone is out and just slob out and snooze.

AIBU to want to do this?

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 21/03/2023 12:54

How would you feel if your DH did this ?

WoofWoofBeachLife · 21/03/2023 13:37

whattodo1975 · 21/03/2023 12:54

How would you feel if your DH did this ?

Surely you aren't going to ruin this thread by being a twunt. What a stupid question.

BarbaraofSeville · 21/03/2023 13:43

whattodo1975 · 21/03/2023 12:54

How would you feel if your DH did this ?

Well I suppose if he was giving daily care to a DM with dementia, had done all the work dealing with teen difficulties, had his own health issues and did all the housework etc while the OP sat and pissed around on her phone, she'd probably tell him to take a day for himself every once in a while and hope he enjoyed it and came back refreshed.

Or it's likely she wouldn't because it's almost unheard of for families to work like that where the men do all the domestic work and the women go to work and then come home and sit on their arses.

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 13:44

Well, I sat myself down and couldn’t go anywhere even if I wanted to because ddog has plonked himself on my legs and refusing to budge and he weighs a ton so I’m stuck here.

To feel guilty about my ‘secret’ day off today
OP posts:
DollyBantry · 21/03/2023 13:47

He’s sending you a message - stay put and relax!

LookItsMeAgain · 21/03/2023 13:49

Clever dog!

Enjoy your day off

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 13:50

Yep, wise old dog hey!?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 13:50

whattodo1975 · 21/03/2023 12:54

How would you feel if your DH did this ?

Who’s saying he doesn’t?

OP posts:
spelunky · 21/03/2023 13:52

What? You're allowed a day off! You are putting way too much pressure on yourself. Chill and enjoy yourself.

Mochinated · 21/03/2023 13:53

Under the guilt are no doubt some more complex and challenging emotions and thoughts.

Take more of what you want out of life, have your own back.

Enjoy your day of peace

Itsbytheby · 21/03/2023 13:53

Guilt in this context is a completely unproductive emotion and will only ruin the day if you let it. Forget it and enjoy the day.

mn29 · 21/03/2023 13:54

You shouldn't feel guilty. Enjoy your day off!

WoofWoofBeachLife · 21/03/2023 13:59

Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 13:50

Yep, wise old dog hey!?

That's the rules, you must stay and enjoy your furry hot water bottle comfort and relax. 🥰

To feel guilty about my ‘secret’ day off today
BarbaraofSeville · 21/03/2023 14:02

Yes, I believe it is against the law to disturb an animal asleep on your lap. You cannot move until you are desperate for the toilet.

MysteryBelle · 21/03/2023 14:14

Agree with pp. You are working. On yourself. I think you need a week off not just a day. Enjoy your secret ‘meeting’ with yourself.

MysteryBelle · 21/03/2023 14:16

Love the ddog photo. Relax knowing no one except the dog knows you’re having a day of peaceful comfort.

nicetoseetgesunsout · 21/03/2023 14:29

I did that a few times. Kids were in school and nursery and exH was working away, so everything left to me. Kids were being looked after.
One day, a friend and I both took the day off and had a lovely time at a spa.
No guilt.

ILoveNigelTufnel · 21/03/2023 14:33

You need to look after yourself. One of the wisest things someone once said to me was that your oxygen mask needs to go on first and it’s very true. You can only look after other people if you look after yourself too.

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 16:12

Dd back from school now so peace is over. Ddog and I did have a lovely quiet day and unusually my IBS symptoms have been quite low today - coincidence or goes to show it’s stress related? Yes, most probably the latter.
I do need to do this a bit more often.
Just need to convinced the guilty mindset first 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 16:13

What a beaut WoofWoofBeachLife

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 21/03/2023 17:10

Just to go back to a pp and what they said about your dad either taking on more of the work or allowing you and your sister to arrange outside help. It's not fair for him to have done what he wanted with his life and then suck all of yours because he's too selfish to accept not having everything all his own way.
It's really hard but you have to be less available and he needs to get shopping delivered and a cleaner for the house and if possible a home help or meals service - whatever it is that needs doing, do you aren't there all the time.

Please look after yourself Flowers

WoofWoofBeachLife · 21/03/2023 17:20

Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 16:13

What a beaut WoofWoofBeachLife

Aw thank you, as is your bundle of love. That's fab you had a day just for you, definitely look at ways to cut down on you doing so much. You need to look after yourself first before anyone else. I used to love my random days off when I was working. X

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 17:28

Thanks ImAvingOops I am working on it, just going to have to chisel away at him until he give in.
Thank you WoofWoofBeachLife

OP posts:
Mew2 · 21/03/2023 18:25

So someone wide told me that they did this twice a year whilst the kids were little (his are teenagers and he still does it). Told me if you don't look after you, you can't look after everyone else (we both work in nhs). He also encourages his wife to do the same too..... I haven't yet- but it seems like such a good idea (I will when mine starts school/full time nursery)... now I would just find everyone else at home

MALJA · 21/03/2023 18:36

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!!

everyone in the world is entitled to at least one day were they can please themselves and you don’t have to tell anyone!!!!