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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about my ‘secret’ day off today

151 replies

Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:06

I have booked a day off work today.

I haven’t told anyone but I am suddenly feeling very guilty about it.

I just want a ‘me’ day today, a day when I will do nothing but listen to music and snooze with the dog.
But I can’t stop this nagging, guilty feeling.

For context, I feel that I do quite a bit for all in my family. Not saying this in a woe is me/martyr kind of way, it’s just how things have panned out over the years but I do get overwhelmed by it all at times.

Dc are now 17 and 15. 17 year old ds was very hard work for a long time with school anxiety/refusal and it took many years for me to get him to a good place. Neve really had any help from dh with this as he doesn’t understand mental health issues and works full time so for 6 stressful years I was battling with the school and GP to try to get ds help.

Then my mum got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad does not cope but refuses care coming in to help. I help my parents out, about 5 days a week. It’s draining. My dsis and I do a lot for them but dad is so engrossed in his own stress from it all that he doesn’t really see or appreciate this. He moans a lot! I really feel for him but the last 4 years have taken there toll where my parents are concerned. Dementia is so bloody hard on everyone concerned.

I am struggling with my own health issues - poor mental health, gynae issues, awful digestive issues and bloody awful perimenopause symptoms to top it all!

Then to top it all my darling little dog passed away 6 months ago. Losing him has had a huge impact on my mental health. I miss him so, so much. We got a rescue. We love him but he is such hard work and we will continue to try to get him to a good place but again, that’s all so very draining.

Lastly, it was my 50th birthday at the weekend. I received some lovely gifts from friends and family, for that I am very grateful but the day was completely ruined by me by suffering a huge IBS flare up so I ended up doing nothing (other than having a few tears in between my discomfort!). I also found myself still doing all the normal ‘chores’ like unloading the dishwasher whilst dh sat in the living room on fucking Tik Tok (he does work very hard all week but I just wanted a day off from the normal drudgery things).

Anyhow. I work part time and had booked today off as I fancied a long weekend. I popped in on mum and dad yesterday (as I say, I usually go in 5 days or so). As I was leaving dad asked if I was working today, I said yes and I will see you both on Wednesday (I take mum to a day centre on Wednesdays) but as soon as I said that I felt a huge wave of guilt and I am still feeling that today. Part of me feels that I should just pop in and see them today but the truth is that I don’t want to. I want to sit in a quiet house whilst everyone is out and just slob out and snooze.

AIBU to want to do this?

OP posts:
IDontWantToBeAPie · 21/03/2023 10:15

Everyone needs a break day sometimes. Don't feel guilty.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/03/2023 10:16

For goodness’ sake, stop wasting it posting on here 😁

Enjoy your day!

whistledowntheway · 21/03/2023 10:19

Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:06

I have booked a day off work today.

I haven’t told anyone but I am suddenly feeling very guilty about it.

I just want a ‘me’ day today, a day when I will do nothing but listen to music and snooze with the dog.
But I can’t stop this nagging, guilty feeling.

For context, I feel that I do quite a bit for all in my family. Not saying this in a woe is me/martyr kind of way, it’s just how things have panned out over the years but I do get overwhelmed by it all at times.

Dc are now 17 and 15. 17 year old ds was very hard work for a long time with school anxiety/refusal and it took many years for me to get him to a good place. Neve really had any help from dh with this as he doesn’t understand mental health issues and works full time so for 6 stressful years I was battling with the school and GP to try to get ds help.

Then my mum got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad does not cope but refuses care coming in to help. I help my parents out, about 5 days a week. It’s draining. My dsis and I do a lot for them but dad is so engrossed in his own stress from it all that he doesn’t really see or appreciate this. He moans a lot! I really feel for him but the last 4 years have taken there toll where my parents are concerned. Dementia is so bloody hard on everyone concerned.

I am struggling with my own health issues - poor mental health, gynae issues, awful digestive issues and bloody awful perimenopause symptoms to top it all!

Then to top it all my darling little dog passed away 6 months ago. Losing him has had a huge impact on my mental health. I miss him so, so much. We got a rescue. We love him but he is such hard work and we will continue to try to get him to a good place but again, that’s all so very draining.

Lastly, it was my 50th birthday at the weekend. I received some lovely gifts from friends and family, for that I am very grateful but the day was completely ruined by me by suffering a huge IBS flare up so I ended up doing nothing (other than having a few tears in between my discomfort!). I also found myself still doing all the normal ‘chores’ like unloading the dishwasher whilst dh sat in the living room on fucking Tik Tok (he does work very hard all week but I just wanted a day off from the normal drudgery things).

Anyhow. I work part time and had booked today off as I fancied a long weekend. I popped in on mum and dad yesterday (as I say, I usually go in 5 days or so). As I was leaving dad asked if I was working today, I said yes and I will see you both on Wednesday (I take mum to a day centre on Wednesdays) but as soon as I said that I felt a huge wave of guilt and I am still feeling that today. Part of me feels that I should just pop in and see them today but the truth is that I don’t want to. I want to sit in a quiet house whilst everyone is out and just slob out and snooze.

AIBU to want to do this?

Drop the guilt, enjoy your day. You're working on yourself so you're able to hold it together for everyone else.

Netcam · 21/03/2023 10:21

Have a lovely day. From everything you've said you deserve at least a week like this, if not two.

LarryStylinson · 21/03/2023 10:26

AlisonDonut · 21/03/2023 09:09

Yes you are working today. On yourself.

Your annual leave days are yours to take for whatever you want.

Enjoy and go back to bed.

This was my instant response too. Happy belated birthday, you can't pour from an empty cup

LarryStylinson · 21/03/2023 10:28

Can I also point you towards your local carers trust to make sure you are getting support in caring for your parents?

BrendaWearingBaffies · 21/03/2023 10:33

The only thing you are guilty of is not taking more days off for respite.

TicTac80 · 21/03/2023 10:35

YADNBU!! Make sure you do something similar every so often, for the sake of your own health. Please, please look after yourself. It's not being selfish, it's being sensible. Who's going to come running to help you when you drop after giving so much to so many?

This will sound like I'm being awful but I'll say it anyway: maybe wind down the number of days you help your parents out? If your Dad has the option of having carers in to help, but refuses this, it's on his own head. It's unfair for you to put your own health at risk xx

Slimjimtobe · 21/03/2023 10:37

Yeah do more of this !! I never tell my parents what days I’m off or they would expect me to wait on all day for them to call and rarely do

Dracuuule · 21/03/2023 10:39

I think you're very unreasonable for writing out all the reasons justifying it.
You can have a day to yourself just because you fancy it.
(I hope that writing down all those things was helpful to get some things off your chest though. It sounds like a tough time!)

PinkSyCo · 21/03/2023 10:45

You most definitely do not need to feel guilty about taking a day off, and deep down I’m sure you know this. So tell that nagging voice to do one and enjoy your day of rest. You deserve it.

Minecraftfield · 21/03/2023 11:09

OP Yanbu at all

But I understand the guilt. I had a secret day off a couple of months ago. I told my husband just before he left for work but still felt guilty and it ruined my day! Glad to hear you are not letting it ruin your day

SamanthaR1 · 21/03/2023 11:14

All moms will understand how you must be feeling and it's absolutely okay. I have three kids and sometimes I am so drained and my body is so overburnt from all the stress that I understand I need some time for myself. So don't feel guilty. You are human too, you need to rest and take care of yourself so enjoy your day off.

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 11:14

BarbaraofSeville everything in your post is true, the men in my life do tend to have had it quite easy and fall short when it comes to emotional responsibilities. That does need addressing and we (mum, dsis and I) have allowed it to gone on far too long. My dad has done lots of fun and enjoyable things in his life and not too long ago spend three days a week on the golf course but now that’s not possible he’s become resentful but doesn’t see the things we have had to shelve in our lives as a result of our responsibilities.

OP posts:
longtompot · 21/03/2023 11:15

Yanbu to take a day for you. It's sounds like you need it, and very much deserve/have earned it.

Also, you need to see a different gp. Some unmumsnetty ((((hugs))))💐
I spoke to my GP a few months ago. I tearful explained to her that I often feel like I want to walk in front of a lorry because I felt so overwhelmed with life, she scribbled something on a piece of paper and pushed it my way. It said to call 111 and press option 2 and then never discussed it again. I haven’t been back since!

FishChipsMushyPeas · 21/03/2023 11:16

Enjoy it! Its your leave, its for you!

PoshHorseyBird · 21/03/2023 11:17

Tell that nagging voice in your head to STFU! You absolutely deserve this day to yourself to do nothing. Enjoy every second. Have a long relaxing bubble bath, listen to music, watch a film or two, have some snacks...do whatever you want to do.

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 11:19

MrsSkylerWhite slap on the wrist taken, off to get my magazines now 😊
Thank you LarryStylinson I have arranged for many people/organisations to come and chat with dad but he refuses most help or they can’t help because my parents have quite a bit of money so need to self fund.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 11:21

Thank you all so very much. I have been on MN for years and years and was scared to venture into AIBU to post this (it’s a scary place at times!) but you’ve all made me feel so much better. I will go chill now…..promise.

OP posts:
Twinmum19 · 21/03/2023 11:30

YANBU do it once a month!
It’s taken me so long to learn that if I’m not ok, all the things I do won’t happen anyway and you need to do the same.
Please don’t waste your day feeling guilty, you deserve it

LookItsMeAgain · 21/03/2023 11:33

@Sixmonthcruise - if you're near a cinema I can recommend going in and seeing the latest blockbuster at the first showing of the day. It's highly likely that you might even get the entire cinema to yourself. No mobile phones to distract you. No sweet wrappers or chatter going on but you get the full cinema experience.

It's what I do on my birthday. I take a day off work and go to the cinema, early.

I might even be known to have done it on days other than my birthday (and not told a soul) too!

Enjoy your secret day off. Take more of them. You'll begin to feel the difference in yourself in no time.

BarrelOfOtters · 21/03/2023 11:45

@Sixmonthcruise i got a new GP when the fist one was useless...hat was awful.

on an aside HRT?

takeawayandwine · 21/03/2023 12:29

That is 100% 'false guilt. I'm in a similar family situation to you and I feel weirdly guilty or 'selfish' if I do anything nice for myself. Ignore it! Put your feet up, cuddle the dog...have a perfect 'me day'. 😊

Candleabra · 21/03/2023 12:39

takeawayandwine · 21/03/2023 12:29

That is 100% 'false guilt. I'm in a similar family situation to you and I feel weirdly guilty or 'selfish' if I do anything nice for myself. Ignore it! Put your feet up, cuddle the dog...have a perfect 'me day'. 😊

I haven’t heard the term false guilt before but I get this too. It’s being conditioned to put others first all the time. Even if I sit down to rest I am thinking of what I think I should be doing, it’s not healthy.

TheHouseElf · 21/03/2023 12:51

Good grief, you deserve a day off! In fact you really should have booked yourself into a Spa for the day and treated yourself.