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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about my ‘secret’ day off today

151 replies

Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:06

I have booked a day off work today.

I haven’t told anyone but I am suddenly feeling very guilty about it.

I just want a ‘me’ day today, a day when I will do nothing but listen to music and snooze with the dog.
But I can’t stop this nagging, guilty feeling.

For context, I feel that I do quite a bit for all in my family. Not saying this in a woe is me/martyr kind of way, it’s just how things have panned out over the years but I do get overwhelmed by it all at times.

Dc are now 17 and 15. 17 year old ds was very hard work for a long time with school anxiety/refusal and it took many years for me to get him to a good place. Neve really had any help from dh with this as he doesn’t understand mental health issues and works full time so for 6 stressful years I was battling with the school and GP to try to get ds help.

Then my mum got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad does not cope but refuses care coming in to help. I help my parents out, about 5 days a week. It’s draining. My dsis and I do a lot for them but dad is so engrossed in his own stress from it all that he doesn’t really see or appreciate this. He moans a lot! I really feel for him but the last 4 years have taken there toll where my parents are concerned. Dementia is so bloody hard on everyone concerned.

I am struggling with my own health issues - poor mental health, gynae issues, awful digestive issues and bloody awful perimenopause symptoms to top it all!

Then to top it all my darling little dog passed away 6 months ago. Losing him has had a huge impact on my mental health. I miss him so, so much. We got a rescue. We love him but he is such hard work and we will continue to try to get him to a good place but again, that’s all so very draining.

Lastly, it was my 50th birthday at the weekend. I received some lovely gifts from friends and family, for that I am very grateful but the day was completely ruined by me by suffering a huge IBS flare up so I ended up doing nothing (other than having a few tears in between my discomfort!). I also found myself still doing all the normal ‘chores’ like unloading the dishwasher whilst dh sat in the living room on fucking Tik Tok (he does work very hard all week but I just wanted a day off from the normal drudgery things).

Anyhow. I work part time and had booked today off as I fancied a long weekend. I popped in on mum and dad yesterday (as I say, I usually go in 5 days or so). As I was leaving dad asked if I was working today, I said yes and I will see you both on Wednesday (I take mum to a day centre on Wednesdays) but as soon as I said that I felt a huge wave of guilt and I am still feeling that today. Part of me feels that I should just pop in and see them today but the truth is that I don’t want to. I want to sit in a quiet house whilst everyone is out and just slob out and snooze.

AIBU to want to do this?

OP posts:
Zebedee55 · 21/03/2023 09:27

I've done parental dementia...and it's bloody hard work. Enjoy your day off, pamper yourself and just chill.

You deserve it...😉

StaceySolomonSwash · 21/03/2023 09:27

Good for you @Sixmonthcruise! I hope you can put the guilt to one side and enjoy your day! We're conditioned as females to look after everyone else but sometimes we need to look after ourselves too.

Candleabra · 21/03/2023 09:28

Don’t waste the day feeling guilty. I know well the obligation that comes with ill parents and teenagers. No time for you. Take back control and make some time for you. You deserve it.

MsWhitworth · 21/03/2023 09:29

*I have booked a day off work today.

I haven’t told anyone but I am suddenly feeling very guilty about it.

I just want a ‘me’ day today, a day when I will do nothing but listen to music and snooze with the dog*

You could’ve ended your post here and it would still be perfectly acceptable to do what you’re doing!

tatteddear · 21/03/2023 09:32

I used to do this every 6 mi the or so when my DD's were little. I did two 14 months apart and a full time job with an 1.5 hour commute each way. I needed those odd days on my own to just lie down, read a book, sit in quiet whilst the girls were at nursery or school and then h was at work.

I deserved those days and you deserve this one. Allow yourself it, recognise the good it will do you and enjoy it.

WonderingWanda · 21/03/2023 09:33

Enjoy your day!!

crymeout · 21/03/2023 09:36

@Sixmonthcruise get a snooze, have a bath, order a pizza at lunchtime, get a bottle of wine and enjoy** your time to yourself.

Or whatever you want of course. But please, please, please enjoy your day today guilt-free. You deserve it.

crymeout · 21/03/2023 09:39

Don't know why there are stars in my post but there aren't meant to be! Seriously OP, enjoy your day to yourself.

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:41

Thanks again, everyone, really means a lot.
That sounds lovely WingingItSince1973 enjoy your day.
BarrelOfOtters you sound like wonderful employers. I am a PA for a disabled lady so don’t have access to a HR department or anything like that sadly. If I can’t work a day or have annual leave then her parents have to help out. I spoke to my GP a few months ago. I tearful explained to her that I often feel like I want to walk in front of a lorry because I felt so overwhelmed with life, she scribbled something on a piece of paper and pushed it my way. It said to call 111 and press option 2 and then never discussed it again. I haven’t been back since!
Woodywasatwat my dream atm is to book a hotel with a sea view and just sit in the widow watching the world go by, nothing else just that!

OP posts:
RuthTopp · 21/03/2023 09:41

STOP - Breathe , Inhale & Relax .
It's a day off , your day .
Stop thinking of all the people you think you are letting down .
Today for the next few hours it's only you in the world to do exactly what you want .

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:45

I’m going to walk the dog, pop out to buy some magazines, light the fire and will veg out for the rest of the day (now that I have everyone’s permission 😉)

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 21/03/2023 09:47

You are allowed time to yourself.

In fact, if this helps, your family need you to take time for yourself so you have the reserves to help them.

But more importantly - you are allowed time to yourself!

I hope you have a lovely day Smile

Woodywasatwat · 21/03/2023 09:47

Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:41

Thanks again, everyone, really means a lot.
That sounds lovely WingingItSince1973 enjoy your day.
BarrelOfOtters you sound like wonderful employers. I am a PA for a disabled lady so don’t have access to a HR department or anything like that sadly. If I can’t work a day or have annual leave then her parents have to help out. I spoke to my GP a few months ago. I tearful explained to her that I often feel like I want to walk in front of a lorry because I felt so overwhelmed with life, she scribbled something on a piece of paper and pushed it my way. It said to call 111 and press option 2 and then never discussed it again. I haven’t been back since!
Woodywasatwat my dream atm is to book a hotel with a sea view and just sit in the widow watching the world go by, nothing else just that!

Book it.

Take a few days to the sea to yourself. Book time off work and let everyone fend for themselves. Your children aren’t babies, your dh can deal with the 15 year old.

I had a breakdown dealing with a parent with dementia, young children and my own health issues. It’s not a good place to get to.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 21/03/2023 09:50

Yanbu I do this all the time. I never tell people what days iv booked off

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:51

Tbh Woodywasatwat I really feel close to a breakdown and that’s no lie, it’s not a good place at all, sorry you went through that, I hope you are in a better place now. It’s so hard trying to be strong and keeping the plates all spinning in the air when really you just want to let it all fall down because it’s so draining keeping it all up there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:51

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy hopefully I will get a taste for it, drop the guilt and do it a bit more often!

OP posts:
TheFeistyFeminist · 21/03/2023 09:54

You cannot continue to pour from an empty cup - you absolutely need a single day just to have a moment's peace. Go for a walk with the dog if the weather allows, and then snuggle up with a cuppa and your favourite book or tv show. It will do wonders for you.

ImAvingOops · 21/03/2023 09:57

One of the great joys of life is an unexpected day where you can just please yourself.
I know your husband works hard, but so do you! Don't be afraid to take what you need for yourself - your husband certainly does!

I know you didn't ask but I think you should look for a completely different kind of job. Everything you do seems to be about looking after other people and this is not good for you. One reason why you feel such guilt at taking time off is because you know that if you aren't at work, your employer's parents have to step in - with the best will in the world, you cannot be responsible for everyone else's lives. I honestly think you need a job in retail or admin or some other low emotional effort job, where you can book holidays and not feel that anyone is suffering by your absence.

If you carry on like this, you are going to have a breakdown and that's no good for anyone.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 21/03/2023 09:59

Your husband doesn’t sound much cop. Did he sort anything really for your birthday? And as for leaving you to deal with your son’s issues because he doesn’t care about/understand mental health issues, is shit.

RachelSq · 21/03/2023 09:59

Enjoy! All I have to say is this.

PragmaticWench · 21/03/2023 10:04

Please look after yourself for once. Then book another day to look forward to. Also, might be an idea to ask your GP for a blood test to rule out coeliac, it's not uncommon for it to be diagnosed in your 40s or 50s.

SweetSakura · 21/03/2023 10:07

ImAvingOops · 21/03/2023 09:57

One of the great joys of life is an unexpected day where you can just please yourself.
I know your husband works hard, but so do you! Don't be afraid to take what you need for yourself - your husband certainly does!

I know you didn't ask but I think you should look for a completely different kind of job. Everything you do seems to be about looking after other people and this is not good for you. One reason why you feel such guilt at taking time off is because you know that if you aren't at work, your employer's parents have to step in - with the best will in the world, you cannot be responsible for everyone else's lives. I honestly think you need a job in retail or admin or some other low emotional effort job, where you can book holidays and not feel that anyone is suffering by your absence.

If you carry on like this, you are going to have a breakdown and that's no good for anyone.

Yes, I agree with this advice.

Or at least realise you should feel zero guilt for taking the time off you need.

SallyWD · 21/03/2023 10:08

You absolutely deserve this. You should have booked a week off! Don't waste another second feeling guilty. Relax and enjoy.

anon666 · 21/03/2023 10:08

No idea why you feel guilty. 🙂 Enjoy your day off.

BarbaraofSeville · 21/03/2023 10:14

OP, enjoy your day off.

But I have to ask, do you get the legal minimum annual leave in your job? Pro rata of 20 days plus BHs? Or included in your pay/days off - I know you can't roll up holiday pay into an hourly rate any more but you're still entitled to leave even if your employer is an individual, so you should have a good few paid days off each year and you absolutely should use some of these just for you, rather than family holidays. With a DH and 2 teens, you shouldn't be doing everything at home either, it should be shared amongst the four of you.

I'd also try and change things with your parents too. You sound close to having a breakdown, which is understandable and if you do, who will look after them all then?

I say this kindly, but you need to start putting yourself first some of the time, and you need to stop being the only one (along with your DSis) taking on all the work while a lot of men sit around dictating.

Your DF cannot have you and your DSis doing all the care work without help. He either does his share of if he can't/won't, they get carers in.

Your DH doesn't get to wash his hands of his family either. They're his DC too, so why does he get a free pass?

TBH, I think in your shoes, I wouldn't be having a 'me' day, I'd be having a me life and leaving them all to it and move into a small flat by myself. Only half joking.