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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about my ‘secret’ day off today

151 replies

Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 09:06

I have booked a day off work today.

I haven’t told anyone but I am suddenly feeling very guilty about it.

I just want a ‘me’ day today, a day when I will do nothing but listen to music and snooze with the dog.
But I can’t stop this nagging, guilty feeling.

For context, I feel that I do quite a bit for all in my family. Not saying this in a woe is me/martyr kind of way, it’s just how things have panned out over the years but I do get overwhelmed by it all at times.

Dc are now 17 and 15. 17 year old ds was very hard work for a long time with school anxiety/refusal and it took many years for me to get him to a good place. Neve really had any help from dh with this as he doesn’t understand mental health issues and works full time so for 6 stressful years I was battling with the school and GP to try to get ds help.

Then my mum got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad does not cope but refuses care coming in to help. I help my parents out, about 5 days a week. It’s draining. My dsis and I do a lot for them but dad is so engrossed in his own stress from it all that he doesn’t really see or appreciate this. He moans a lot! I really feel for him but the last 4 years have taken there toll where my parents are concerned. Dementia is so bloody hard on everyone concerned.

I am struggling with my own health issues - poor mental health, gynae issues, awful digestive issues and bloody awful perimenopause symptoms to top it all!

Then to top it all my darling little dog passed away 6 months ago. Losing him has had a huge impact on my mental health. I miss him so, so much. We got a rescue. We love him but he is such hard work and we will continue to try to get him to a good place but again, that’s all so very draining.

Lastly, it was my 50th birthday at the weekend. I received some lovely gifts from friends and family, for that I am very grateful but the day was completely ruined by me by suffering a huge IBS flare up so I ended up doing nothing (other than having a few tears in between my discomfort!). I also found myself still doing all the normal ‘chores’ like unloading the dishwasher whilst dh sat in the living room on fucking Tik Tok (he does work very hard all week but I just wanted a day off from the normal drudgery things).

Anyhow. I work part time and had booked today off as I fancied a long weekend. I popped in on mum and dad yesterday (as I say, I usually go in 5 days or so). As I was leaving dad asked if I was working today, I said yes and I will see you both on Wednesday (I take mum to a day centre on Wednesdays) but as soon as I said that I felt a huge wave of guilt and I am still feeling that today. Part of me feels that I should just pop in and see them today but the truth is that I don’t want to. I want to sit in a quiet house whilst everyone is out and just slob out and snooze.

AIBU to want to do this?

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 21/03/2023 19:07

Your DDog looks adorable,a nice quiet cuddly day was obviously what you both needed.
I know you want to help your Dad but I've cared for my DM when she had Dementia and I know how stressful it gets. I expect your DDad is not wanting to involve outsiders yet, this is SO common, almost as if it's a shameful thing they don't want others to see, but your DMum's need for help will grow and if you're not careful you will get sucked in and have no time for yourself. The best way to help is to get proper carers in, if you can convince your Ddad it will be best for you all.

Noodles1234 · 21/03/2023 19:08

You need you to be all ok, healthy and efficient to do everything.

Take a day off every so often and enjoy the peace x

Dagnabit · 21/03/2023 19:15

YANBU - you don’t even need to have as much on your plate as you do, just take a day occasionally to chill out. I’m looking forward to my next one.

concertgoer · 21/03/2023 19:50

Sounds like bliss! Well done!!

Spiderboy · 21/03/2023 19:53

If you’re going to take a sneaky day off, don’t waste time feeling guilty over it. Seriously.

Sometimes you have to put yourself first and I think taking a day here and there is brilliant

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/03/2023 19:54

A day? I’d take a week.
I used to take a sneaky day off when my twins were little. Go to work at the normal time, get the train somewhere, mooch around museums, shop, home for tea. I was paying my nanny anyway, I had shopping and visiting recently widowed mum on weekends, dh worked weekends and late evenings. DH never knew for exactly the same reasons.

Redladybirdbaglady · 21/03/2023 20:27

Funnily enough, I was talking earlier today about doing exactly the same. We all need a break sometimes and I hope you had a lovely, relaxing day :)

cherish123 · 21/03/2023 21:06

Enjoy your day. Sometimes you need to recharge.

PlainSkyr · 21/03/2023 21:38

Why feel guilty? You've earned your day off and you can use it when and as you please. No explanation needed. Enjoy.

HelloTreacle9 · 21/03/2023 21:51

I hope you had a lovely relaxing day OP, you truly deserve it. I understand completely. I had a session with an amazing coach a couple of weeks ago where he pointed out that I am ‘not at the centre of my own life’ because everything I do is in service of others, and it was quite a shock to hear. The empty cup and oxygen mask analogies are so true, especially for working mums with elderly parents. We simply cannot do and be everything to everyone else without drowning. I’m not surprised your IBS has been better today. Do this regularly. You matter.

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 21/03/2023 22:18

Thank you all so much. I actually feel quite relaxed this evening, those few hours did help.
Daleksatemyshed I will have a good chat with my dad tomorrow after I’ve taken mum to the day centre, it’s so hard to have a conversation about her when she is there as she gets so upset. We do need to discuss the realities of our lives now and that it’s time to get some help in.
HelloTreacle9 that’s so true, we can’t be at the centre of our lives when we are giving so much out to everyone else. I definitely need to work on that.

OP posts:
YerArseInParsley · 22/03/2023 01:46

U have nothing to feel guilty about. U need and deserve time to yourself.

I know u say ur dad refuses incoming care but he needs to know it's draining for u physically and mentally. Do u think u would be able to have a talk to him to make him see the care is needed? Rather than him seeing carers as a negative he will realise he's denying his wife the care she needs whilst putting a strain on other members of the family.

Enjoy ur day off and take another soon x

Starwarslover · 22/03/2023 06:48

OP I’m doing the exact same thing today! We all need the chance to recharge sometimes, please don’t feel any guilt, you have a lot going on and it’s ok to take some time to nurture yourself. Enjoy your day OP, you deserve it 💐

jigsaw234 · 22/03/2023 06:58

"Dad does not cope but refuses care coming in to help."

this is unsustainable. He can refuse care - that's up to him - but he can't insist on you coming in daily. Tell him that in one month from now you're dropping down to three days a week - he's got a month to decide to do it himself or hire a carer. and stick to it.

Cookiedough22 · 22/03/2023 07:27

Absolutely no need to explain why you need or want a day off by yourself.
I have a left over annual day that needs using and will be doing exactly the same thing with chocolate and icecream that I don’t have to share lol.
We all seem to forget about looking after ourselves and we can’t look after others properly when we’re not physically/mentally rested.

Enjoy your day off !!

dresstime · 22/03/2023 07:27

A couple of myself into a hotel after going home from work ill. (exhausted) I spent the day there and left at 6pm having had a bath and a sleep. Going home was just not going to help me.
Do what you need to do! x

dresstime · 22/03/2023 07:28

Sorry that should read I booked myself! not couple!

BackOfTheMum5net · 22/03/2023 07:29

Sounds like you deserve it! With so much going on, you have earned a little time to yourself. Enjoy!

TheFutureIs · 22/03/2023 07:37

I have every Wednesday off work as a sort of "health day". I'm a single mum who has my dd pretty much 100% of the time.
My Wednesday's means I can deal with life admin, and physical/mental health before going and finishing the working week. It also means I don't have to battle the supermarket on a weekend.
Do not feel guilty about your day doing nothing

Ponderoveryonder · 22/03/2023 07:40

You have to look after yourself if you’re caring for others. It’s so important otherwise you’ll end up burnt out and resentful , and you won’t have any perspective over the problems you’re trying to sort .

Goodread1 · 22/03/2023 07:48

Of course you deserve a break Op

Just reading your Op, made Me feel " I wonder how you do all that and keep sane at the same time",

You are working on the most precious valuable resource
That is yourself
Long may you continue this evermore,

Find various ways you can achieve better well being,

Such as a bit of meditation,
On a regular basis,
Treat yourself to hot stone massage or and other Holistic Therapies ,

Swimimming Healthspa days sessions
Join become a member
Ect

Really Glad to see you are starting to look after yourself
It's looong overdue,

You are just as important as anyone else in your family 👪

Do you hear me @Sixmonthcruise

ssd · 22/03/2023 07:48

I really hope you relaxed and had a brilliant day off, you so deserve it.

loislovesstewie · 22/03/2023 08:11

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If it helps you, when my kids were small I would often take a day off, still take them to the childminder but have the day to myself. Both my parents died before I had kids and apart from my DH I had no other person to help me. You need to recharge your battery every so often, so just see it that way.

RemoteControlDoobry · 22/03/2023 08:26

I’m similar to you with my health issues and early menopause and the difficult years of autistic kids. I don’t work at all as health is so unpredictable. If it makes you feel any better I spend two hours every afternoon snoozing on the sofa. I think Mumsnet does instil this sense of guilt if you’re not half killing yourself. Not this thread of course….you’re allowed the odd day off but that’s about it.

Think about how your family would cope without you. I have two friends with this type of sensitive personality and they’re housebound because they’ve become so ill. It’s never the harsh people who become ill. please take care of yourself and treat yourself like a Queen!

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 22/03/2023 11:16

Honestly, reading though all of your lovely replies have made me feel so teary as I didn’t realise what I have been doing to myself. I have just trudged on with life, as you do, taking on everyone’s issues because I’ve felt, for some reason, it’s my responsibility. I definitely need to work on this somehow.

jigsaw234 YerArseInParsley I have just contacted a carer that I know and had a good chat with her, she is willing to come in a few mornings a week to help mum and dad establish a good morning routine. I’m going to have to be tough and insist. Yesterday was a good day for me, which I have not had for a long time. It made me realise how much stress I have unwittingly taken on. Today all my tummy issues are back as I have to take mum to a day centre and it’s hell trying to get her there! We definitely need that extra help asap.

Enjoy your day Starwarslover have a lovely time.

Oh that sounds absolute bliss dresstime I hope it helped?

Thank you so much Goodread1 having those few hours to myself yesterday has made me realise that I really have not been looking after myself for quite some time. It has always felt too self indulgent which I know is ridiculous! I have contacted a local wellness centre today to see if they can help. I’m 50 now and really do not want to spend the rest of my days feeling as shit as I currently do.

RemoteControlDoobry You definitely deserve the rest too, it’s so difficult taking on your loved ones stresses isn’t it? I believe my ds is on the spectrum, I have had years of battles with the NHS to get him help. Even now at 17 he has issues and it breaks my heart. You are so correct concerning sensitive personalities. It does seem to make life’s issues a hell of a lot heavier.

OP posts: