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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour rang the police on us!

314 replies

Lonelymum27 · 20/03/2023 22:31

Miss busy body next door has just called the police on us! 10 minute argument and I went off upstairs to bed with DS. We’re both absolutely knackered DS isn’t sleeping so this has taking a toll on us and this is what caused the argument.

she’s rang the police on a few people on the estate before over nothing really,nothing I’d get worked up about.

police have just came banging down our doors and windows blue lights shouting police !gave us the shock of our lives left within minutes as they seen we was fine.

We feel absolutely humiliated now! AIBU to go round in the morning or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 21/03/2023 07:48

When you say argue you mean ten minutes of screaming at each other?

No. I can honestly say never. Everyone is different.

Sleep deprivation is just awful. It's a killer (it's the murderer maker 😁). My eldest woke literally every 2 hours for the first 15 months of his life. it was so awful just talking about it makes me want to go lie down.

You need to work something out between you so that you can each get some sleep. Can you each give the other some uninterrupted sleeping time on a regular basis? It's hard to keep calm when you're knackered.

Instead of shouting over having no sleep, work out a schedule that allows you both to sleep. Alternate nights for example. Each take a weekend morning lie in. Those sorts of things.

Thedarkestblue · 21/03/2023 07:53

I live in a house where you can hear neighbors, snoring, laughing, talking slightly more loudly when friends are around, coughing and sneezing. I know exactly the sort of house OP is in. You can hear everything.

Which means you actually can hear the difference between a normal argument and domestic abuse where someone is at risk.

If the police blue lighted it around then the neighbour must have really bigged up what she heard.

OPs account of her neighbour’s motivation is believable.

Thighlengthboots · 21/03/2023 07:54

I think there are two things at play here:

  1. Yes, she could be incredibly nosey and intrusive and a right pain in the arse.
  2. Many women ARE physically abused and its not wrong for people to be concerned and calling the police may have saved many women's lives.

Both of these statements can be true at the same time so I think you need to separate her intentions with her actions. Her intentions may well be interfering but that doesnt make what she actually did wrong. If she had called the police due to you having a BBQ then that would be different. Going round there and having a go will achieve nothing but cause her to be more antagonistic. I agree with the poster who said have a sleep and then see how you feel in the morning but I doubt "having a word" will achieve anything but cause you more stress and she may well call the police again and say you are harassing her.

We all argue at times and none of us are perfect so I'd just chalk this up to tiredness and drop it. I hope you get some rest soon x

Cherryblossoms85 · 21/03/2023 07:54

Weird responses. Nutter calling the police on everyone and that's your fault?

PhoenixAuntie · 21/03/2023 07:57

@123bumblebee Same here, with adults that had shouting matches when were in bed. My sister used to lay crying it’s a really strong memory for me, I went the other way and clammed up emotionally. As adults she was always sort of too nice and very conflict avoidant so got walked over. I was very cool about things and it put me off relationships, I was just lucky I met DH. The man is a very gentle soul.

We got snappy when sleep deprived with small children but screaming and shouting for ten minutes, it’s actually a very long time.

ShapesAndNumbers · 21/03/2023 07:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Moveoverdarlin · 21/03/2023 08:04

I would go round and apologise for being so loud and causing her alarm. Busy body neighbours tend to care about the community they live in and have certain standards. Why should she have to listen to you two screeching about having no sleep? Great the Police came out. Sometimes they must walk in on dreadful scenarios so no harm done.

Hairyfairy01 · 21/03/2023 08:04

I think you need to accept that shouting at each other, especially when 3 children are in the house is not ok. You need to find other ways to deal with your stress, go for a walk, take a bath, go to a mates how to offload or whatever.

The only thing I would be saying to your neighbour is sorry, ideally with a bunch of flowers.

The fact you seem to think your behaviour is normal and acceptable is concerning to be honest. I doubt your 2 kids in bed slept though it, although they may have been pretending to be asleep.

HarlanPepper · 21/03/2023 08:06

123bumblebee · 21/03/2023 07:41

I grew up with parents who argued when we were in bed, I honestly think they think we slept through too. As an adult I can see they were going through an incredibly stressful time. But as a child I was terrified and ,of course, woke up and was scared in bed. I was upset as I thought my parents were divorcing and I had to listen to lots of stuff a young child shouldn’t worry about. I was an anxious, perfectionist child, never wanted to upset my parents. Still anxious today.

We are designed for our fight or flight to kick in when our safety is threatened, your children probably didn’t sleep through they were just scared in their beds awake. Please reflect on this, I would never be brave enough to tell my own parents this but I am being brave for your kids to tell you.

I've heard people who grew up in households where there were never any arguments, saying that this led them, as adults, to be unable to handle confrontation or to express their feelings. Bottom line: parents can't win. We're all going to fuck our kids up somehow. The sooner people realise this and also understand that, for the most part, we're all doing our best, the better off we will all be.

NerrSnerr · 21/03/2023 08:07

It's exhausting, we get that but shouting to the extent the neighbour can hear is not acceptable with three children in the house.

I'm another one whose parents still 100% believe that I slept through their nighttime arguments. Of course I didn't and I would bed yours didn't too. They pretended to be asleep as they didn't want to upset you further. It's an awful feeling.

NerrSnerr · 21/03/2023 08:09

I've heard people who grew up in households where there were never any arguments, saying that this led them, as adults, to be unable to handle confrontation or to express their feelings. Bottom line: parents can't win. We're all going to fuck our kids up somehow. The sooner people realise this and also understand that, for the most part, we're all doing our best, the better off we will all be.

There's a huge difference between disagreeing with someone in front of the kids and terrifying them with a loud, nighttime argument.

butterpuffed · 21/03/2023 08:11

Either Op and DH must have been really, really loud or neighbour was exaggerating as it's very unusual for Police to go to a domestic with blue lights and shouting 'Police' .

Newmom88 · 21/03/2023 08:12

My baby has recently been going through a phase of waking every hour and I understand how exhausting it is.

The couple next door to us used to scream at each other but I wouldn’t call the police so do agree she shouldn’t have wasted their time. I wouldn’t bother speaking to the neighbour either but I would make sure to keep voices down when having a disagreement. Your DS is just being a baby and learning to sleep. He will sleep better if you can stay calm and patient for him.

You are teaching your DC about relationships by modelling behaviour and if you scream at each other then they will learn that it’s ok to scream at people.

if it’s this bad for you then I would try sleeping in separate rooms and taking it in turns to look after DS. I couldn’t do this because I am breastfeeding but I do the nights and let DP sleep. If I was not coping I would switch to formula and ask him to do the nights at the weekend so I can catch up on sleep.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 21/03/2023 08:12

Impossible to know whether your neighbour is a PITA, or whether your behaviour is the problem. I have never shouted in my life, but I'm not a shouting person. I can't bear shouting. Ex husband and I managed to fuck up our marriage without ever shouting at one another, ever. Confused

I do think, though, that you need to re-organise how you do things generally. Sleep deprivation is awful. You have two other children who need you. You say you feel guilty about those two children being "dragged into the misery of a life" - but you chose to have a third child, and you need to do your damndest to make sure their lives aren't so miserable. Not shouting at one another so loudly that the police appear is a start. But you also need to re-think your days. You say your husband has high blood pressure as a result of the baby constantly crying. No wonder the baby is constantly crying as nobody is paying him any proper attention. You can't both be working and looking after the baby. Your online business would in any case probably be better off with one person focussing solely on that, and the other looking after the baby as two people half-working and half-baby-minding basically means you will get less work done between you and the baby is neglected too. Could you take it in turns to work/look after the baby, if you don't want to be the one who does it?

You and your husband also need a break from one another.

IncompleteSenten · 21/03/2023 08:14

HarlanPepper · 21/03/2023 08:06

I've heard people who grew up in households where there were never any arguments, saying that this led them, as adults, to be unable to handle confrontation or to express their feelings. Bottom line: parents can't win. We're all going to fuck our kids up somehow. The sooner people realise this and also understand that, for the most part, we're all doing our best, the better off we will all be.

Show quote history

That's true. We have to wait till they're grown up to fully see in what ways we screwed up.

That said, the options aren't yell at each other or never disagree.

The third option is to discuss an issue, exchange views, listen to one another and reach an agreement, compromise or agree to disagree! That is the best way you can teach your children how to 'argue'. You show them that people don't always agree and you show them how people deal with that. No shouting required and no sulking and passive aggressive manipulation either. Just healthy discourse.

(I was a hell of a shouter in my youth. I had to retrain myself!)

Hoppinggreen · 21/03/2023 08:17

Lonelymum27 · 20/03/2023 23:14

So no one here has argued in front of their child? I’ve barely slept in 2 bloody days!

Not loudly enough for The Police to be called

Newmum0322 · 21/03/2023 08:18

So you live in a new build, which you acknowledge has no sound proofing qualities so ‘you can hear everything’, and yet saw fit to have a screaming argument that you must have known your neighbour could hear? that’s rude for a start, no one wants to listen to that, not your neighbour and certainly not your children. Most of the population have experienced sleep deprivation at some point, I have a baby myself so I know how it feels… this wouldn’t have happened to me.

Use it as an opportunity to reflect on what you did to cause it and making positive changes in your life… and leave your neighbour in peace for goodness sake!

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/03/2023 08:21

Annon1234 · 20/03/2023 23:20

I thought people that don’t argue with their partners were mythical creatures but apparently they all just congregate on here. Who knew.

There’s arguing respectfully and there’s screaming at one another loud enough to traumatise a child and disturb the neighbours.

123bumblebee · 21/03/2023 08:22

NerrSnerr · 21/03/2023 08:09

I've heard people who grew up in households where there were never any arguments, saying that this led them, as adults, to be unable to handle confrontation or to express their feelings. Bottom line: parents can't win. We're all going to fuck our kids up somehow. The sooner people realise this and also understand that, for the most part, we're all doing our best, the better off we will all be.

There's a huge difference between disagreeing with someone in front of the kids and terrifying them with a loud, nighttime argument.

You said it far more eloquently than I could!

Anonhopingforbaby · 21/03/2023 08:26

You had an argument that was loud enough for your neighbour to hear. Presumably it also sounded pretty intense for your neighbour to call the police. Just be glad she's looking out for you.

SheDoneAlreadyHadHersess · 21/03/2023 08:26

Lovelydaytomorrow · 20/03/2023 23:17

No, I've never had a 10 minute shouting argument with my husband. Is this genuinely seen as normal to some people?

Show quote history

I think the OP got lost on her way to netmums. She won’t find much sympathy on mumsnet!

HarlanPepper · 21/03/2023 08:28

NerrSnerr · 21/03/2023 08:09

I've heard people who grew up in households where there were never any arguments, saying that this led them, as adults, to be unable to handle confrontation or to express their feelings. Bottom line: parents can't win. We're all going to fuck our kids up somehow. The sooner people realise this and also understand that, for the most part, we're all doing our best, the better off we will all be.

There's a huge difference between disagreeing with someone in front of the kids and terrifying them with a loud, nighttime argument.

If I had claimed those things were the same, you would have a point.

Brefugee · 21/03/2023 08:28

my neighbours scream and shout every evening just about. But you can tell when he gets violent, because she screams differently. So i call the police.
Every. Bloody. Time.
Unfortunately, despite the bruises, black eyes and number of occasions that he gets carted off by the police, or one of them leaves in an ambulance, or how much the DCs cry at them she won't leave.

And i will continue to call the police every bloody time. Because 2 women a week are killed by a current or ex-partner. And I'm never going to apologise to anyone - least of all those two - for doing it.

Stravaig · 21/03/2023 08:32

If the police blue lighted it around then the neighbour must have really bigged up what she heard.

Or OP is minimising with her '10 minute argument, we're fine', and it was really longer, louder, nastier. We have no way of knowing who is the more reliable narrator. OP identifies herself as desperately sleep deprived, which will affect perception as well as judgement.

Winginitt · 21/03/2023 08:32

So sorry that the majority of these comments are so mean OP☹️ You know your neighbour and your situation better than anyone commenting on this thread, please don’t feel worse by what has been said to you by strangers who have absolutely nothing better to do than to shut down a mom who is clearly going through a hard time, on a website made solely for parents to support one another. I hope the sleeping issue will improve quickly for all of you. As for the neighbour, don’t give her the time of day, it will make her worse. We’ve all experienced the busy body of the estate/street - if you haven’t it’s probably you.
Sending you lots of love x

ps can’t quite understand how buying a hot tub makes you a nightmare neighbour?! I would love one!