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AIBU?

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Original poster

So upset, not sure what to do

717 replies

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 17:04

Posting here for traffic.
I'm not sure what to do over a stray cat I've been feeding etc.

I had my own cat until a few months ago when she sadly passed away. Before she passed however, a stray cat started to visit our garden and play with my cat.

The stray cat 'Tom' was so thin that we'd feed him everyday and provided shelter outside for him. We couldn't get close enough to get him into a cat carrier to take him to the vets.
After our Molly died, Tom became more confident with us and started to come into the house and stay overnight.

He put on weight and started to look healthy again. It was still difficult though trying to entice him into a cat carrier in order to check if he was chipped after all. He.was'nt neutered though, hence why we presumed he wasn't chipped either.
I recently borrowed a different kind of carrier to the one we already had, in the hope that it'd be easier to get Tom into it. Just to say, he's not the type of cat you can pick up easily.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was looking out the window and saw a young man walking past my house carrying Tom tightly in his arms. I ran out to speak to the man and saw that Tom was struggling to get free and was very distressed.
The man claimed that Tom was his cat and that he was taking him home as he hadn't seen him for some time.

I explained that we'd been caring for Tom and were gaining his confidence in us and that we'd love to keep him and get him checked and neutered at the vets.

The man was adamant however that Tom was his family pet, but admitted that he'd not been chipped. He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family.
The man let slip his house number (which was much further down the road) and hurried off with the cat still distressed.

I'm angry at myself for not trying to get Tom out of his arms, but I was concerned about repercussions if I did so. I'm also angry with myself for not ensuring we'd taken Tom to the vets sooner. I've no excuses for that, other than I was trying to gain his trust and needed the right carrier along with help from someone else to force him into the carrier if necessary.
A while after Tom was taken, my Dd and I visited the house where he's at and were told basically to go away (not very politely) once again, and that they'd be keeping the cat inside from now on.

I don't know what to do now. I'd love to offer money for Tom but I don't know whether to leave it for a while, as i.dont want to push things with this family.

They also have a few other cats (according to the going man) and so now I'm so upset that Tom is living with other pets and isn't happy there. If he was he wouldn't have left.
Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/03/2023 22:41

Canthave2manycats · 22/03/2023 22:32

I am sure she is more than suitably chastened at this point.

Show quote history

She’s not remotely.

I must have missed the announcement of you being in charge of the thread though…

Floomobal · 23/03/2023 00:09

Moonstarssunsky · 22/03/2023 18:13

Just to end.
I've accepted that Tom isn't mine, Although I just wish that his owners could know that I would rather them feel ok to let him go out, and I'd be prepared to not feed him anymore or allow him in the house.

It would be hard for me to basically ignore the cat, but I'd do that if it meant he was free to go out.

But you’ve spooked them now

Original poster
Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 02:53

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 22/03/2023 17:47

But OP, why did you want to take the cat out of his arms, why did you go to their house to ask if you could have him instead of them? It’s so unreasonable to do that. I think that’s what’s blown minds in this thread. Those behaviours.

I’m trying to be kind. I love animals. I have horses and goats and chickens and dogs, and cows and pigs… and I’ve had to really severely get involved with people ‘trying to be nice’ and feeding my horses ham sandwiches among other ludicrous offerings. I have signs up, I am never far from the horses but still stupid morons trespass on my land and feed my horses any kind of crap they have on them. People feeding animals that aren’t theirs pisses me off, admittedly.

I’m sure you fed that cat the best you could but still. He wasn’t yours. And if you live in a densely populated area, the likelihood would be he had a home and an owner.

Show quote history

I've already explained why I went to the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 02:57

vinividivinci · 22/03/2023 18:57

OP, I am sorry that your cat died. I know how this loss feels.. It seems like there is a cat-shaped hole in your heart, and perhaps this could be filled by a rescue cat that needs the sort of love and attention you can give.

Thank you, yes I do miss her.
I'll look into possibly getting a rescue cat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 03:01

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 22/03/2023 17:47

But OP, why did you want to take the cat out of his arms, why did you go to their house to ask if you could have him instead of them? It’s so unreasonable to do that. I think that’s what’s blown minds in this thread. Those behaviours.

I’m trying to be kind. I love animals. I have horses and goats and chickens and dogs, and cows and pigs… and I’ve had to really severely get involved with people ‘trying to be nice’ and feeding my horses ham sandwiches among other ludicrous offerings. I have signs up, I am never far from the horses but still stupid morons trespass on my land and feed my horses any kind of crap they have on them. People feeding animals that aren’t theirs pisses me off, admittedly.

I’m sure you fed that cat the best you could but still. He wasn’t yours. And if you live in a densely populated area, the likelihood would be he had a home and an owner.

Show quote history

The answers to your questions have already been explained. You're welcome to read the thread

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 03:50

Canthave2manycats · 22/03/2023 21:51

All the bollockings in the world from random strangers on the internet aren't going to change that, are they?

The OP saw a very thin cat, and she fed it. I'd have done the same pre-chips and social media. I wouldn't do it now, because I'd seek help instead, and have done. It can take a while for the cat to become confident enough to be close enough to catch. Yes, I'd have called a cat rescue and got the cat trapped and checked for a chip. If the OP had done this, and the cat had not been claimed, he would eventually have been rehomed and she could have adopted him legitimately and officially.

She probably didn't seek vet advice because when the cat put on some weight and started to trust her, he seemed healthy? Again, at this point he should have been chip checked. Maybe unconsciously the OP didn't want to find out if he was chipped, because she had fallen in love with Tom. He should have been neutered then too.

It seems that the cat actually never left his street, so I do wonder how the owner was not reunited with him before, and how he didn't make his way home at some point - and how long he had actually been missing.

I can see where the OP went wrong, but she was being kind to the cat, and I don't think this pile-on of abuse is helpful or constructive. But feel free to keep on kicking her, if that's what you need to do to make you feel self-righteous.

I hope she will visit a rescue and adopt a cat or two that are truly hers.

Show quote history

I may have been misguided in some ways, but I don't deserve the abuse some posters have dished out.
Whatever I may or may not have 'done wrong', I did try to make the cats life a little easier by feeding him.

I also think that those abusive posters, who come across all high and mighty, probably wouldn't even bother acknowledging an animal that looked as if it was hungry in the first place, but they have a go at me for doing at least SOMETHING.

I've been repeatedly attacked with 'you should've done this, you should've done that, why did you do this? Why didn't you do that?'
My question to those posters would be 'what would YOU have done in my position'?

It's a question that I don't need answering, because I'm sure I'll get the sanctimonious replies, yet I would take their answers with a pinch of salt.

And, as I said, I believe, judging by their heartless replies, those posters would rather turn a blind eye to an animal like Tom, and have the attitude of 'it's not my pronlem'

Their viciousness towards me, in my opinion, makes them seem as if they have no compassion really for someone trying to do what they thought was right.

I'm sure those posters don't really give a shit about the cat, they're just wanting to hide behind their keyboard and try and rip someone to shreds for their own gratification. That's my view. Says a lot about their character I believe.

From the really abusive ones (those with their messages deleted )(I didn't report their messages btw, I'd have been happy for them to be left there so that others could see how vile some posters can be) there's absolutely no intention to try and understand why I did what I did.

So many of these posters haven't even bothered to read my explanation of how, why and what I did for the cat. It's all 'your batshit, deluded, obsessed, over invested'

I'm disgusted that people can be like this. Truly.

I'm glad I'm me and not them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 04:04

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/03/2023 22:41

She’s not remotely.

I must have missed the announcement of you being in charge of the thread though…

Show quote history

'she's not remotely'

'chastised' for trying to look out for a cat.

You're another poster who sounds 'lovely' and not someone who wants to join in, or wants others to continuously sticking the boot in and putting me down 🙄

Seriously, this thread really does highlight to me just how nasty some people can be.
I wonder if the nasty posters are just horrible because everything is anonymous on here, yet in the 'real world' they're kind hearted?
OR, are they not the nicest of people genuinely?

I think the latter.

OP posts:
Jourdain11 · 23/03/2023 05:13

I'd agree that the tone of some of the responses has been "robust" but I don't think anyone is being vile and abusive. If you don't want to hear a range of opinions - and it seems you don't - you shouldn't ask for them.

I strongly suspect the cat was on the thin side rather than malnourished, but if he had been, it would've been more sensible to call the vet. He might have been unwell or needed a special diet.

Cassiehopes · 23/03/2023 05:20

My cat - who ate like a king at home - used to wander around pretending to be homeless so that the neighbours would feed him. At one point we found out he had at least three other homes! Cats are sneaky. Tom sounds like a generally unfriendly cat. You said yourself that you couldn’t even pick him up without a special carrier so the fact that he was struggling in his owners arms doesn’t really mean much. He’s not you cat and he doesn’t even sound like a very nice cat so just get your own cat！

Jourdain11 · 23/03/2023 05:26

Also, to be frank, I think it's really mean to keep a cat who potentially belongs to someone else overnight. I don't think the cat's owners really will keep him indoors, but they're probably upset at him having been missing and want to stop it from happening again. They'll probably keep him in for a few days or so.

My cat sucks up to every passer by and is quite capable of looking like she's being sadly starved if there's a handful of Dreamies in it. Our neighbour has a very handsome black and white who sits and looks mournful. Neither are actually hungry!

Jourdain11 · 23/03/2023 05:27

Cassiehopes · 23/03/2023 05:20

My cat - who ate like a king at home - used to wander around pretending to be homeless so that the neighbours would feed him. At one point we found out he had at least three other homes! Cats are sneaky. Tom sounds like a generally unfriendly cat. You said yourself that you couldn’t even pick him up without a special carrier so the fact that he was struggling in his owners arms doesn’t really mean much. He’s not you cat and he doesn’t even sound like a very nice cat so just get your own cat！

Ha, I was thinking this. He sounds quite unfriendly!

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 05:30

Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 03:50

I may have been misguided in some ways, but I don't deserve the abuse some posters have dished out.
Whatever I may or may not have 'done wrong', I did try to make the cats life a little easier by feeding him.

I also think that those abusive posters, who come across all high and mighty, probably wouldn't even bother acknowledging an animal that looked as if it was hungry in the first place, but they have a go at me for doing at least SOMETHING.

I've been repeatedly attacked with 'you should've done this, you should've done that, why did you do this? Why didn't you do that?'
My question to those posters would be 'what would YOU have done in my position'?

It's a question that I don't need answering, because I'm sure I'll get the sanctimonious replies, yet I would take their answers with a pinch of salt.

And, as I said, I believe, judging by their heartless replies, those posters would rather turn a blind eye to an animal like Tom, and have the attitude of 'it's not my pronlem'

Their viciousness towards me, in my opinion, makes them seem as if they have no compassion really for someone trying to do what they thought was right.

I'm sure those posters don't really give a shit about the cat, they're just wanting to hide behind their keyboard and try and rip someone to shreds for their own gratification. That's my view. Says a lot about their character I believe.

From the really abusive ones (those with their messages deleted )(I didn't report their messages btw, I'd have been happy for them to be left there so that others could see how vile some posters can be) there's absolutely no intention to try and understand why I did what I did.

So many of these posters haven't even bothered to read my explanation of how, why and what I did for the cat. It's all 'your batshit, deluded, obsessed, over invested'

I'm disgusted that people can be like this. Truly.

I'm glad I'm me and not them.

Show quote history

When I found a little tragic looking cat, I put a paper collar on him and that night had a phone call to say he was loved, he had a home, and the reason he looked like crap was because he had feline TB. Done. We were still good friends outside my house, I never fed him, I never let him in.

I still don’t think you really see what posters are trying to tell you, but nevermind. I’m sure this experience won’t leave you.

Glad you’re considering rescuing your own cat.

Original poster
Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 06:59

Jourdain11 · 23/03/2023 05:27

Ha, I was thinking this. He sounds quite unfriendly!

Show quote history

I don't think he was unfriendly, just nervous at first. So even trying to get near a nervous cat could make them appear unfriendly, as they may hiss or claw if you're too close.

OP posts:
Yirk · 23/03/2023 07:15

I admire your staying power through the slings and arrows thrown at you on this thread.
It would be a lovely outcome if you got Tom back but failing that I'm sure some rescue cat would love a home with you. Good luck.

Original poster
Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 07:21

Yirk · 23/03/2023 07:15

I admire your staying power through the slings and arrows thrown at you on this thread.
It would be a lovely outcome if you got Tom back but failing that I'm sure some rescue cat would love a home with you. Good luck.

Thank you

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/03/2023 07:49

My question to those posters would be 'what would YOU have done in my position'?

Every time people tell you that - cats protection, local scanner, RSPCA - you’ve ignored it or called them liars.

Not once have you acknowledged that having a plan to “gently” coax a cat you claimed was malnourished (not a wee bit thin, or even very thin, but malnourished) wasn’t a good plan for the cat.

You’re adamant it was because he put on weight, but that’s not time all cats have.

IWantToBeACat · 23/03/2023 08:57

@Moonstarssunsky I've been repeatedly attacked with 'you should've done this, you should've done that, why did you do this? Why didn't you do that?'
My question to those posters would be 'what would YOU have done in my position'?

It's a question that I don't need answering, because I'm sure I'll get the sanctimonious replies, yet I would take their answers with a pinch of salt.

I've (very nicely and without judgement) asked you a couple of questions a couple of times now (once back on page 14 and then again on page 19) that might have helped explain your situation a bit better. I even agreed that what you did was out of kindness. But you have chosen to only reply to posts that have either agreed with you or that you can argue with and not factual requests for information.

With regards to your "'what would YOU have done in my position'?" question. I am fortunate that I volunteer for my local cat rescue, so I actually do know what to do in this situation, however, if I didn't, I would have done a quick Google as to what is the right thing to do if a stray starts coming in your garden. I just tried it and within a second I got loads of links, including local ones. This is an excellent one, so to be fair, in this day and age, anyone who uses the internet is capable of quickly finding out the information:

Google question: what to do with a stray cat in my garden
Answer: https://www.battersea.org.uk/pet-advice/lost-and-found-cat-advice/found-cat

Or I'd have taken the advice that you would no doubt have got from your social media post that you said you made, about local rescues and immediately contacted them.

Found a cat

Follow our advice on what to do if you have found a cat and suspect they may be stray or lost.

https://www.battersea.org.uk/pet-advice/lost-and-found-cat-advice/found-cat

Original poster
Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 15:01

IWantToBeACat · 23/03/2023 08:57

@Moonstarssunsky I've been repeatedly attacked with 'you should've done this, you should've done that, why did you do this? Why didn't you do that?'
My question to those posters would be 'what would YOU have done in my position'?

It's a question that I don't need answering, because I'm sure I'll get the sanctimonious replies, yet I would take their answers with a pinch of salt.

I've (very nicely and without judgement) asked you a couple of questions a couple of times now (once back on page 14 and then again on page 19) that might have helped explain your situation a bit better. I even agreed that what you did was out of kindness. But you have chosen to only reply to posts that have either agreed with you or that you can argue with and not factual requests for information.

With regards to your "'what would YOU have done in my position'?" question. I am fortunate that I volunteer for my local cat rescue, so I actually do know what to do in this situation, however, if I didn't, I would have done a quick Google as to what is the right thing to do if a stray starts coming in your garden. I just tried it and within a second I got loads of links, including local ones. This is an excellent one, so to be fair, in this day and age, anyone who uses the internet is capable of quickly finding out the information:

Google question: what to do with a stray cat in my garden
Answer: https://www.battersea.org.uk/pet-advice/lost-and-found-cat-advice/found-cat

Or I'd have taken the advice that you would no doubt have got from your social media post that you said you made, about local rescues and immediately contacted them.

I'm sorry I didn't have the wherewithal to do exactly as you would've done.
I've already said that I was probably misguided. All I know is that I tried to do what I thought was right.
Was I wrong what I did? Maybe.

But what I DIDN'T DO is try to steal someone's cat, and that's been a running theme all the way through from posters accusing me of exactly that.

OP posts:
IWantToBeACat · 23/03/2023 15:39

@Moonstarssunsky
I'm sorry I didn't have the wherewithal to do exactly as you would've done.

Ah now, come on, now you are having me on! You didn't have the wherewithal to Google? Or to follow advice that was certainly given to you on your own social media post? Or to ring your own vet for advice? If you can reply to posts on here so coherently, you clearly have the "wherewithal" to navigate Google or understand someone on your own social media post giving you advice! Or to think to ring your own vet? Are you honestly trying to convince me that you fed this cat for ages (because you thought it was malnourished) without even thinking to call a vet or local cat charity for help catching it and getting it the veterinary attention an actual malnourished cat would need? Was it really malnourished or just a bit slimmer than you think a cat should be and you enjoyed feeding it and letting it into your house? Only one of those would explain why you didn't get it help sooner the other would make you as cruel as the people who would just ignore it.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/03/2023 15:58

But what I DIDN'T DO is try to steal someone's cat, and that's been a running theme all the way through from posters accusing me of exactly that.

Because that's exactly what you did 🙄

SallyWD · 23/03/2023 18:31

I can't believe some of these posts. It's very clear that OP thought he was a stray (very thin, un-neutered and spending a lot of time in her garden - I'd have thought the same!). She took care of it, providing shelter and food whilst at the same time trying to track down an owner. She tried to get him to a vets to see if he had a microchip. Looking for the owner and checking for a microchip are clear evidence that she wasn't trying to steal him!! She was however meeting his basic needs of survival while she looked in to it.
People are acting like she's an awful person for taking care of a vulnerable animal. OK, so the cat does have an owner - one who hasn't got the cat neutered or chipped. I'm sorry but I don't think the cat was very happy with his owner and probably not well cared for. I could be wrong but that's my gut feeling.

Imtryingnottobother · 23/03/2023 18:46

SallyWD · 23/03/2023 18:31

I can't believe some of these posts. It's very clear that OP thought he was a stray (very thin, un-neutered and spending a lot of time in her garden - I'd have thought the same!). She took care of it, providing shelter and food whilst at the same time trying to track down an owner. She tried to get him to a vets to see if he had a microchip. Looking for the owner and checking for a microchip are clear evidence that she wasn't trying to steal him!! She was however meeting his basic needs of survival while she looked in to it.
People are acting like she's an awful person for taking care of a vulnerable animal. OK, so the cat does have an owner - one who hasn't got the cat neutered or chipped. I'm sorry but I don't think the cat was very happy with his owner and probably not well cared for. I could be wrong but that's my gut feeling.

Well said.Awful replies on here relishing kicking someone that is still probably grieving loss of her own pet.

I would do the same for any animal that looked malnourished and with no visible signs of ownership, while I tried to locate an owner. I would be grateful in return for anyone that did the same for any of mine in similar circumstances.

Original poster
Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 22:52

SallyWD · 23/03/2023 18:31

I can't believe some of these posts. It's very clear that OP thought he was a stray (very thin, un-neutered and spending a lot of time in her garden - I'd have thought the same!). She took care of it, providing shelter and food whilst at the same time trying to track down an owner. She tried to get him to a vets to see if he had a microchip. Looking for the owner and checking for a microchip are clear evidence that she wasn't trying to steal him!! She was however meeting his basic needs of survival while she looked in to it.
People are acting like she's an awful person for taking care of a vulnerable animal. OK, so the cat does have an owner - one who hasn't got the cat neutered or chipped. I'm sorry but I don't think the cat was very happy with his owner and probably not well cared for. I could be wrong but that's my gut feeling.

Thank you, I think it's very clear too, but no matter what, , I think some posters are determined to not listen to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonstarssunsky · 23/03/2023 23:09

Imtryingnottobother · 23/03/2023 18:46

Well said.Awful replies on here relishing kicking someone that is still probably grieving loss of her own pet.

I would do the same for any animal that looked malnourished and with no visible signs of ownership, while I tried to locate an owner. I would be grateful in return for anyone that did the same for any of mine in similar circumstances.

Show quote history

Thank you, the comments I find the most disgusting are from those who've 'made sure I know that 'it's 100% my fault that the cat will be kept inside indefinitely'

I would hate to know these people in real life, as they seem so cold hearted.

OP posts:
linsey2581 · 24/03/2023 10:14

@Moonstarssunsky This cat is not your cat! Even if the cat was thin it maybe down to a medical condition. You say you’re concerned for its diet but you could have made his diet worse by feeding it. By feeding for this cat you have taken it away from its family. 😡 I also have 2 indoor cats and both are very happy to be inside .

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