You absolutely refuse to see the situation from any other side but your own. And your belief that this cat needs rescuing. I am NOT attacking you, but I believe you need to ask yourself a few questions.
Why are you fixating on this cat? Why don't you get youreslf another cat, you clearly have a lot of love to give. There are many other cats who need a wonderful home, you could give a cat that. Why this cat? Why can't you move on, and find yourself your own cat?
As others have stated, you don't know that cat was mistreated. Lots of cats look skinny, or are temporarily skinny because they are unwell.
You have overwhelmng evidence that most people think what you did/are doing/ is wrong. Your posts says you don't know what to do. Nothing. YOu do nothing. There is no problem, other than what's in your mind. Leave it be. The cat is fine. If he wanted to come to you, he would.
He did NOT choose you. He came to VISIT. There was food. Of couse a cat will come and keep coming if you leave food out.
"After our Molly died, Tom became more confident with us and started to come into the house and stay overnight."
You coaxed him into your house with food. And yet, he still never let you get close to him, pet him, hold him.
If he wanted to let you near, he would have. He did not. I'm sorry, but he wanted the food, and a nice, warm place. Probably glad to be on his own for a bit.
Consider this, if you'd left well enough alone, he could still be visting. This cat is filling a need for you, and you filled a need for him. Nothing more, nothing less.
Why, when he'd put on weight and was healthy, did you want to take him to the vet? To check for a chip? Just curious. Did you make any effort to find his home? Put signs up? put a 'found cat' ad on socials?
"The man claimed that Tom was his cat and that he was taking him home as he hadn't seen him for some time."
The man told you that Tom was his cat, but you didn't want to believe that. Again, no way could this man have caught a cat you've been feeding for a very long time, and you can't catch. Seriously. This is so very obvious, but I understand its hard for you to accept. I'm in no way being nasty, or sarcastic. You just need to see the reality here. You can't even pet this cat. Yet you believe he's better off with you.
"but admitted that he'd not been chipped."
Most cats aren't chipped for goodness sake. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his cat. It doesn't mean the cat isn't his.
"He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family."
Sounds like he was letting you know clearly that you're out of line. Think about it: Tom is now restrained to the house, an indoor cat, becuase YOU tried to keep him. If you'd just let things be, then Tom could still be visiting. But you had to interfere and try to claim him as yours. The owner is afraid you'll take him and now the cat is not allowed out. That's on you. You should have let him take his cat home and been happy for visits.
There's a cat in our neighbourhood now who regularly visits several houses. His name is Jumbo and the owner is quite happy becuse we all just give him a little tidbit, some treats, a meal maybe, and some love (cuddles, pets, play) and then let him go on his way. He's the coolest cat, everyone loves him. Love is not ownership.
"I'm angry at myself for not trying to get Tom out of his arms, but I was concerned about repercussions if I did so."
GOOD! This would have been a completley unreasonable thing to do! Can you not see that? Grabbing the poor cat like that? What then? Lock him in your house forever so he can't go home? He doesn't need rescuing and he is not an object.
"I'm also angry with myself for not ensuring we'd taken Tom to the vets sooner. I've no excuses for that, other than I was trying to gain his trust and needed the right carrier along with help from someone else to force him into the carrier if necessary."
Why on earth should you have taken Tom to the vet? You said he gained weight and looked healthy. He was doing fine. He had a nice thing going, a good home and a nice place to visit. This, again, was not about Tom;s welfare, you thought if he was not chipped that you were justified in claiming him. Being chipped or not chipped makes no difference. He has a home. The whole post reads like are you trying to claim someone else's cat. And what would have happened if he was chipped to you, but chose to go home? A chip is not ownship and why are you fixated with ownership and posession? The cat was well. Did not need vet treatment. You lost Molly, you were in terrible grief. I feel great empathy for you, and that grief. But you must not continue trying to get this cat.
Now, stop and think. Imagine if your Molly was chipped by someone else. Seriously, stop and think about that. How would you feel? How would you feel abuot someone who fed her a bit, and then took her to the vets and had her chipped? You even state you needed someone to force him into the carrier, you were willling to do that. He was no longer thin, he was not injured. Why? And why coudn't you have just let well enough alone? You'd still have him visiting then.
"A while after Tom was taken, my Dd and I visited the house where he's at and were told basically to go away (not very politely) once again, and that they'd be keeping the cat inside from now on."
Now Tom is an indoor cat, and its because of you. 100% your fault, and you have not made his life better. Again, its not about his welfare, its about your wants.
"I don't know what to do now. I'd love to offer money for Tom but I don't know whether to leave it for a while, as i.dont want to push things with this family."
You do nothing. Absolutely nothing. You go and find yourself a beautiful cat, maybe at a shelter, who needs a home. You have a lot of love to give, why not rescue a cat? Offer them MONEY? and you say other people think the cat is an object! Youre objectifying him...treating him like a possession that you must have...first he chose you, now you want to buy him. Why? You are fixated and its not healthy.
"They also have a few other cats (according to the going man) and so now I'm so upset that Tom is living with other pets and isn't happy there. If he was he wouldn't have left."
He did not leave. He roamed. He found food. He found a good deal, a nice place and a meal. Lots of cats live happily with other cats. He did not choose you, as you were never able to get near him. Yet you don't think that's important. YOu have built an entire narrative around this, where he is abused, and you are the hero. Again, just think this through. If you think he is being abused, as others have said, there are proper channels to go through.
And I HAVE been in that position. I cared for a cat for a few months. He was ours, for that time. But he slept on my bed with me, every night. He was my little shadow, that was his name, infact. I work from home and he used to lie on my keyboard, little scamp! I advertised him as found, and months later, the owner claimed him back. Although i missed him, and it hurt, the cat was not mine. I was glad he had a loving home, and I was so happy to return him to his loved ones. I asked if I could keep in touch, now we're facebook friends and I see updates on him from time to time. I do not intrude, I'm happy that this family has let me see him in this way. They are happy I cared for their cat while he was lost. Had you played things differently, Tom might still be visting, and everyone might be happy. I think you should take a moment to think about that.
No cat is an object, but a feeling, sentient creature. Its you who seems to feel Tom is an object - your object. Ownership matters to you. You weren't happy with him visiting, you wanted to make him yours. As if taking him to the vet and chipping him would achieve that.
The cat chose to go with the man. That may be hard, but its true. You can't just dismiss this, no matter how much you'd like to. You have to accept th ere is NO WAY this man could have caught him, when you coudn't catch him after weeks of feeding him. And when you were standing there, contemplating reefing him out of his owners arms, he could have escaped. He didn't.
And if Tom wanted to get out of that house, then Tom would. A cat will escape if he really wants to. He has not come back, maybe he will, in time. Doors get left open, time will go by, they will forget and they will get lax. BUT if he does come back, you should NOT feed him, because now you know he has a family. There is no excuse for that. If he came to you for affection, that would be completely different. You never touched him.
If you genuniely feel that something is wrong, that the cat is in danger, then there are proper channels. Why did you not report to animal welfare? You didn't for a reason...why?
Again, you need to reflect on your behaviour. YOu should ask yourself these questions. I suspect most of this is grief, and understandable from that point of view, but its bad behaviour. Imagine if you had tried to snatch him back? What would have happened? And despite hundreds of people telling you that you're in the wrong, you persist. Why did you post? honestly, what did you expect people to say? YOu keep arguing that you're right, and bring up irrelevant poinst that only serve to show your intent was to keep Tom. And your focus on this cat is not healthy. So again, ask yourself, what is it that's special about this cat? Is it his connection to Molly?
ANd what if someone had adopted Molly. How would you feel then? Cats can be easily tempted with food, we all know this. Its problematic to me that you have no empathy for the other family. You feel they mistreat the cat. But you dont know that. Maybe there's a child at home who cried their eyes out every night for their cat. Would that make a difference to you? Tom is now healthy, as you said. What will it take to assure you that he is OK?
I think you had good intentions, or even have good intentions, but you continue to miss the point. Your long reply has very little to do with it. they are excuses. you were trying to adopt a cat that didn't need adopting. Now please, go and adopt a cat who does desperately need a home.
"Yes the cat HAS spoken. He spoke some time back when he decided he wanted to be with us. He was in walking distance of the other families house, and if he was happiest there he wouldn't have come to me."
NO. He came to visit. Cats do that. They'll keep coming back for food, why woudn't they? He enjoyed the visit. If he chose you, he'd be curled up in your lap. He never let you touch him. How do you rationalise that? And don't you want a cat that WILL love you back? Curl up on your lap, sleep on your bed?
I've also had someone abduct my cat and try to keep him. Its a horrible, horrible thing to experience, and I'd like you to take aminute to think about the owners feelings. It sounds like they treated you very well, considering. But now feel they have to keep their cat indoors, incase you tempt him back again. Imagine how that feels. And again, Tom is now an indoor cat, because of you. Not them. they are afraid of losing him, you taking him. They made that very clear, but you didn't get the message. Now the cat is restricted and confined to the house. take responsiblity for that.
Why are you not happy that the cat has a loving home? A person does not come looking for a cat if they don't love the cat. I think you need to self reflect on why are you so fixated on this cat. Why can't you get yourself another cat? You have a lot of love to give, and there are so many cats who need someone like you.
I haven't read all the posts, but I haven't seen anything nasty. A bit blunt, maybe. But you won't listen. I'm not being nasty. I'm telling you things you need to think about. Most people say you're wrong, yet you persist to argue that you're right. Not even defend yourself, just argue that you're right. YOu don't address the point, just go off on tangents, so fixated are you on this idea that this is your cat. What was your goal was when you posted...what did you think you should do? What were you hoping peope would say?
I should hope its clear you should do nthing. You should enjoy the happy memories, and you should go out this weekend and find yourself your own cat.