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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So upset, not sure what to do

717 replies

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 17:04

Posting here for traffic.
I'm not sure what to do over a stray cat I've been feeding etc.

I had my own cat until a few months ago when she sadly passed away. Before she passed however, a stray cat started to visit our garden and play with my cat.

The stray cat 'Tom' was so thin that we'd feed him everyday and provided shelter outside for him. We couldn't get close enough to get him into a cat carrier to take him to the vets.
After our Molly died, Tom became more confident with us and started to come into the house and stay overnight.

He put on weight and started to look healthy again. It was still difficult though trying to entice him into a cat carrier in order to check if he was chipped after all. He.was'nt neutered though, hence why we presumed he wasn't chipped either.
I recently borrowed a different kind of carrier to the one we already had, in the hope that it'd be easier to get Tom into it. Just to say, he's not the type of cat you can pick up easily.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was looking out the window and saw a young man walking past my house carrying Tom tightly in his arms. I ran out to speak to the man and saw that Tom was struggling to get free and was very distressed.
The man claimed that Tom was his cat and that he was taking him home as he hadn't seen him for some time.

I explained that we'd been caring for Tom and were gaining his confidence in us and that we'd love to keep him and get him checked and neutered at the vets.

The man was adamant however that Tom was his family pet, but admitted that he'd not been chipped. He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family.
The man let slip his house number (which was much further down the road) and hurried off with the cat still distressed.

I'm angry at myself for not trying to get Tom out of his arms, but I was concerned about repercussions if I did so. I'm also angry with myself for not ensuring we'd taken Tom to the vets sooner. I've no excuses for that, other than I was trying to gain his trust and needed the right carrier along with help from someone else to force him into the carrier if necessary.
A while after Tom was taken, my Dd and I visited the house where he's at and were told basically to go away (not very politely) once again, and that they'd be keeping the cat inside from now on.

I don't know what to do now. I'd love to offer money for Tom but I don't know whether to leave it for a while, as i.dont want to push things with this family.

They also have a few other cats (according to the going man) and so now I'm so upset that Tom is living with other pets and isn't happy there. If he was he wouldn't have left.
Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
Itsnotyouitsmeiswear · 21/03/2023 20:03

@Novatherova ^^

Messyhair321 · 21/03/2023 20:04

Tootsweets84 · 20/03/2023 20:00

Why is it when people want to steal someone else's cat it's always 'it was so skinny, obviously starving'. Surely as a former cat owner you are aware that cats are semi wild animals and are perfectly capable of hunting/scavenging for their own food. Highly unlikely that a cat in this country is going to starve to death even if the owner never fed it. It's more likely that the cat was naturally skinny and you have now made it overweight by feeding it in addition to it's regular meals.
My cat is overweight. I know he is being fed by one of my neighbours, but I don't know who and he won't stay indoors, so I can't do much about it. If I reduce his meals at home he will just go there and I'll lose him. He is very clearly a loved pet (microchipped and has a collar) and it absolutely infuriates me. DONT FEED OTHER PEOPLE'S CATS

Yeah expecting a domestic cat to scavenge & hunt for themselves isn't cool now because this is considered a threat to wildlife not to mention neglectful. We aren't living in the 50's

Noangelbuthavingfun · 21/03/2023 20:05

Moonstarssunsky · 21/03/2023 19:19

Thanks, I'm actually stunned that quite a few posters are being so vitriolic to someone who was just trying to be kind to a cat.
No need for it. But hey, that cat was happer because of me, that I know.

Absolutely ! Sorry for the spelling mistakes. Trust your gut and report so they can investigate. And if you are wrong, then you did it with best intentions. Too many f people with the "mind your own business " attitude - maybe we would have less animal and people abuse if people did what is morally right at times no matter how difficult or uncomfortable. Hugs to u - keep us posted

pepsirolla · 21/03/2023 20:05

I remember when I worked at RSPCA we had a case where cat had 2 "owners" 1st owner lost cat for 6 months and 2nd owner, several streets away thought starving stray and took it in. Had it speyed, wormed vaccinated. 1st owner finds it and takes it back RSPCA called in as police got called. Inspector said had to go back to first owner. Few months later Inspector called by another neighbour to do a welfare check on cat and found it in poor condition in horrendous surroundings so cat signed over to RSPCA and reunited with 2nd owner after first moved out of area.

threatmatrix · 21/03/2023 20:08

Try offering some money and see what happens. I think people are being quite nasty to you.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 21/03/2023 20:18

Surely as a former cat owner you are aware that cats are semi wild animals and are perfectly capable of hunting/scavenging for their own food

Im not sure about mine, he's fond of goose, venison and turkey. I don't think he'd have much luck there!

Messyhair321 · 21/03/2023 20:23

My cat went astray which was unusual for her, we didn't stop looking for her & once found I was so grateful to the people who had fed her. She just got lost I think & she's never gone anywhere since.

This man who took the cat back in comparison sounds unusually ungrateful & a bit shit

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 21/03/2023 20:24

They’re not semi wild we just didn’t domesticate them ourselves. My girls a powder puff on legs, she’d last 5 minutes on her own. She’s scared of houseflies.

Messyhair321 · 21/03/2023 20:26

AdInfinitum12 · 21/03/2023 16:14

She won't post the photo because I can guarantee she never put flyers through doors. Just as the OP has ignored my question about apparently being unable to pick the cat up to go to the vets to check for a chip the cat happily stayed over at theirs overnight. I think the OP just figured she could get away with slowly acclimating the cat to keep it.

Right. So in comparison this man who owns the cat you think put up flyers? Put social media posts up & letterboxed everyone in the neighbourhood?
I don't think he did any of those things. A good cat owner would have done this. All of it.

Grapewrath · 21/03/2023 20:26

It’s weird that you assume that said cat is happier with you, didn’t want to live with others and is mistreated. You have no evidence of this.
You sound like a kind person but you should have accepted that the cat already has a family and are having him chipped. You need to let this one go tbh, knocking on the door to try and get the cat back was not ok and you will get yourself into trouble. Please leave this family alone

Clarefromwork · 21/03/2023 20:35

excusemewitch · 20/03/2023 17:58

My cat ia reaally skinny and small - she's always been that way!! She eats a normal amount. Some cats are just like that/fussy/have an illness you dont know about. Why dont you adopt your own cat?

Is your cat chipped and neutered though?

Moonstarssunsky · 21/03/2023 20:41

Messyhair321 · 21/03/2023 20:23

My cat went astray which was unusual for her, we didn't stop looking for her & once found I was so grateful to the people who had fed her. She just got lost I think & she's never gone anywhere since.

This man who took the cat back in comparison sounds unusually ungrateful & a bit shit

I'm glad people fed your cat.

OP posts:
CandlelightGlow · 21/03/2023 20:42

I'm glad you were looking out for the kitty OP. People have a strange attitude to cats in the UK. My beloved childhood cat was a stray (we'd found the pregnant mother who sadly died shortly after being rushed to the vet).

Right now I'm trying to communicate with an acquaintance who has recently randomly acquired a dog. Now there's never any mention of the poor cat they also got relatively recently, I have* *no idea what's happened to it. I would take it in myself but maybe the cat has already taken itself off of it's own accord? In that case the poor thing would be relying on other people taking it in.

GUARDIAN1 · 21/03/2023 20:47

Leave the cat and his family alone. It's not your business and the guy clearly cared enough about him to take him back. For all you know he might have kids who'd been crying over their lost pet.

blah11 · 21/03/2023 20:51

It’s clearly the mans cat as in your original post you said more than once that you couldn’t catch him, yet the man picked him up first go and walked away with him so not sure where the ‘I don’t believe it’s his cat’ thing has came from?
I totally get you fed the cat in good faith thinking he was a stray but now you know he’s not, he’s someone’s pet who obviously cares enough about him to take him home so it should be left at that. I do find it very over the top that you went to his door.

myfaceismyown · 21/03/2023 20:56

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 20/03/2023 17:32

Not your cat
Cats shouldn't be fat
Get your own cat

Ditto

Sainte · 21/03/2023 20:57

It’s been said before. It’s not your cat. You are an adult, imagine if you had a cat of your own and someone else stole your cat. Leave the cat alone as it’s confusing the poor animal.

Noln · 21/03/2023 20:57

I'm sorry but it's bullshit that the cat wouldn't be coming to OP if he was happy where he was. One of my three cats at one stage had three separate houses she went to for food, all of which thought she was super special and fed her (some bought her cat beds and renamed her) despite her various collars (she always got them off) and the fact she was chipped which they, like OP, never managed to check. What was especially annoying was she did need medication but if she ate elsewhere she would then not eat much at home and not get it.

My cat is perfectly happy she just loves food and attention - she's now 17 and finally we live somewhere where our neighbours fucking respect it when we ask them not to feed her.

One household was so continuous in feeding her that it took my putting a mini camera on her collar for them to realise I was serious that they needed to stop. They, like you, thought they had a special relationship and she must be unhappy elsewhere.

It's not about who has first claim, which makes you sound awful. It's someone's pet fgs.

Firsttimemummy23 · 21/03/2023 21:03

I have four cats my next door neighbor's keep feeding my cats and one day my cat was knocked over and killed, not sure how it happened as it was on my drive but it made him too trusting to people which in my opinion killed him - different story.

Tom isn't your cat just as my cats isn't next doors! One of my cats also look "skinny" but believe me she eats better than I do! It's a very kind of you to be concerned but he isn't yours. Go to a shelter there is so many Tom's who desperate for a loving owner like you xx

Moonstarssunsky · 21/03/2023 21:03

Messyhair321 · 21/03/2023 20:26

Right. So in comparison this man who owns the cat you think put up flyers? Put social media posts up & letterboxed everyone in the neighbourhood?
I don't think he did any of those things. A good cat owner would have done this. All of it.

Exactly! ... No posters, no flyers, no knocking doors, no social media posts, nothing.

OP posts:
Yourcatisnotsorry · 21/03/2023 21:04

I think you have done the right thing by the cat and it must be heartbreaking to think he’s not being looked after properly. The only thing I would have done is put a paper collar on him. I don’t think there is much you can do now other than to befriend the owners and hope that eventually they realise he would be happier with you. Cats are not property and their welfare trumps nonsense ownership ideas. My cats are indoor (they go in the big garden before I get jumped on, they just don’t/can’t jump over the fence to get out) so I don’t think all cats will necessarily be miserable indoors (mine are super happy, they could ‘escape’ if they really want to, other cats get into and out of my garden) but if you suspect mistreatment please call the RSPCA. I have fed a ‘stray’ cat before, managed to trap it and take it to the vet, turns out it was lost presumed dead and then we managed to reunite it with its owner :-)

Notafanofheat · 21/03/2023 21:04

Novatherova · 21/03/2023 20:00

Worst nightmare. Hope you find her.

Have you tried calling around the local vets? We have cats here that are handed in to the local vets quite often. Sorry not trying to overstep.

What area are you in if you don't mind me asking?

There should be a missing pet page on FB in your area surely?

You’re not overstepping- thank you for reaching out - very kind.:)
We’ve taken our posters to local vets and hung them on lamp posts, posted leaflets through neighbours doors, we’ve been calling her when quiet, posted on local fb pages, have her bed and litter out, contacted rescues and posted local community and fb pages - done everything we could think of - she’s just gone without trace (just hoping now someone hasn’t seen our messages, or wants to keep her or she just ran far as she was scared- trying not to think about the other option, hoping someone would tell us if they’d found her body). :(
Thank you though- it helps when people care.

Doggolover2 · 21/03/2023 21:05

This is why we should all be dog people 😂 just kidding…it’s easy to say you shouldn’t feed someone else’s pet but I’m sure it’s not so easy not to feed them when you genuinely think you are doing the right thing for their well-being. I do think though that losing your own pet is clouding your judgement here a bit. I’m really sorry for your loss but maybe try and accept he has a home and look at sspca or somewhere like that where there are cats who have no home as you’ve clearly got love to give x

AuntMarch · 21/03/2023 21:07

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 17:11

Yes I know that, but technically he isn't the man's cat either i.dont think, as he's not been chipped and the man also said he'd no proof of ownership.
I'm concerned for the cat as he was extremely thin when he started coming to us.

Pretty sure we never had proof of ownership for our cat (pre chip days), and chips are just becoming compulsory aren't they?
You stole his cat and then went TO HIS HOUSE after he explained that and took the cat home?!

Justbefair · 21/03/2023 21:08

Please, I would do the same if a skinny cat was in our garden, it's what a caring human does. My Mum used to get get some strays and put a shelter and food outside, a whole family of them made the garden their home. It was difficult to catch then ti take to vets for check up and neutering, took a few tea towel wraps and scratches!
You didn't know and just tried to help, especially while grieving for your own. If I was the cat owner I would have talked to you, explained any necessary circumstances and be grateful your heart was in the right place and be happy for you to visit. He knows you care for the cat, perhaps let it simmer down then just pop by and enquire in a friendly manner. Xxx