So upset, not sure what to do

[Moonstarssunsky]

Posting here for traffic.
I'm not sure what to do over a stray cat I've been feeding etc.

I had my own cat until a few months ago when she sadly passed away. Before she passed however, a stray cat started to visit our garden and play with my cat.

The stray cat 'Tom' was so thin that we'd feed him everyday and provided shelter outside for him. We couldn't get close enough to get him into a cat carrier to take him to the vets.
After our Molly died, Tom became more confident with us and started to come into the house and stay overnight.

He put on weight and started to look healthy again. It was still difficult though trying to entice him into a cat carrier in order to check if he was chipped after all. He.was'nt neutered though, hence why we presumed he wasn't chipped either.
I recently borrowed a different kind of carrier to the one we already had, in the hope that it'd be easier to get Tom into it. Just to say, he's not the type of cat you can pick up easily.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was looking out the window and saw a young man walking past my house carrying Tom tightly in his arms. I ran out to speak to the man and saw that Tom was struggling to get free and was very distressed.
The man claimed that Tom was his cat and that he was taking him home as he hadn't seen him for some time.

I explained that we'd been caring for Tom and were gaining his confidence in us and that we'd love to keep him and get him checked and neutered at the vets.

The man was adamant however that Tom was his family pet, but admitted that he'd not been chipped. He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family.
The man let slip his house number (which was much further down the road) and hurried off with the cat still distressed.

I'm angry at myself for not trying to get Tom out of his arms, but I was concerned about repercussions if I did so. I'm also angry with myself for not ensuring we'd taken Tom to the vets sooner. I've no excuses for that, other than I was trying to gain his trust and needed the right carrier along with help from someone else to force him into the carrier if necessary.
A while after Tom was taken, my Dd and I visited the house where he's at and were told basically to go away (not very politely) once again, and that they'd be keeping the cat inside from now on.

I don't know what to do now. I'd love to offer money for Tom but I don't know whether to leave it for a while, as i.dont want to push things with this family.

They also have a few other cats (according to the going man) and so now I'm so upset that Tom is living with other pets and isn't happy there. If he was he wouldn't have left.
Sorry for rambling.

If anyone here would like to feed my two greedy barstewards, you have my permission.

They cost me a fortune.

They won't eat cheap food, mind, so be WARNED.

You are trying to steal someone else's cat. You should not have encouraged him in the first place.

What the hell @ElonsMusky ? That’s illegal and dangerous. Chip your bloody dog! Hope this is a troll.

They need to find my old neighbour.

She murder for feeding cats locally. One of mine ended up at the vet as he stopped eating completely - turning out she was cooking chicken, livers, and bacon for him. Daily.

Mostly though I find random cat feeders feed them the cheapest cat food. Or dry biscuits full of crap. Not their vet bills so no need to worry

Honestly, you need to get over this. You were trying to be kind but you didn’t do the one thing everyone advises people to do and do the paper collar trick. I knew about that and I’m not even that bothered by cats, dogs are much better. But it is almost like you didn’t really want to know if ‘Tom’ had an owner or not.

Just go and rescue another cat and focus your attention on them. Getting upset over this thread because people have pointed out that you’ve perhaps unintentionally tried to steal someone else’s cat is daft. Whether you think this cat liked you more or not, is a total irrelevance. It wasn’t and isn’t yours, and no amount of outside shelters and quality cat food and pet names will change that.

The shelters are full of cats desperately needing a home. I would gently suggest you let this one go and try and find another cat, take your mind off it. It’s unwise to repeatedly feed cats, the first port of call should have been the vets and they could have helped you find the owners and/or posted on Facebook etc. At least then you could have proved to tried hard to find the owners but no luck. My cat was being fed by a neighbour because they thought ‘he was very thin!’. He actually had thyroid problems and was 17 and on a special diet. They were not helping in despite what they thought! ☹️

@Moonstarssunsky
I had exactly the same situation as you describe but I knew that he belonged to a neighbour 3 doors away, he would cry on my window ledge every day and was very thin. My husband would carry him to his home and hand him over but by the time he got back home the cat would be back on our back window!
We asked if we could keep him and was told in no uncertain terms 'no'! Then the neighbour moved house leaving the poor cat behind (they had 4)! This was 11 years ago and now the cat is a much loved and healthy (fat) member of our family! We adore him! Well done for looking ot for Tom! 😘😘

Cats are going to turn up looking for food and do their best food-provoking behaviour.

This is a thing that happens every now and then in life, get used to it, they probably go to three or four other houses as well, and when you get a cat that cat will be around the neighbours' houses doing the same thing once they are used to the area.

Don't encourage them, don't coax them in and try to make them prefer your house, don't (ref your PP) try to actually trap them, just as you would presumably hope nobody will do that with your cat.

Blimey! I'd go and mew on her doorstep if she cooked chicken, bacon and liver for me, too (only lamb's liver, mind - that nasty ox stuff is full of tubes and pig's liver has a horrible texture. I've never been able to afford calves' . . .)

My cats won't touch cheap "98% ash, 2% beaks and feathers" stuff, so I suppose they are safe. We tried downgrading their food to moderately priced instead of ridiculously expensive when prices rocketed. They would go days only nibbling at it and in the end I caved. The buggers then wolfed about three bowls off the trot, showing their preferences.

Sods.

I think this would be a good idea OP. I know you're worried about Tom, but you may just have to accept he will never be yours.

If Tom comes back to you, you could take him in (heavy disguised) as well.

I've said so many times .... I wasn't trying to steal someone's cat!

I genuinely believed he was a stray, in my view, someone who steals someone's cat is a person who KNOWS that a cat has a home (or at least suspects it does, judging by the condition of the cat)

A cat which is very thin and obviously not neutered would, I assume, strike most people as being a stray. After all, stray cats are everywhere.
Tom would also sleep on the shelter outside, which also led me to believe he had nowhere else to go to.

I'm glad the cat ended up with you. Some people are just selfish and nasty, they don't love or care properly for their pets, yet keep them anyway for God knows what reason.

How was she able to change his micro chip details and cancel his insurance?
Only you as the owner could have done that.

OP it's futile trying to explain your reasoning on here, like someone upthread said the AIBU section on MN can be particularly vile.
Please don't take to heart the horrible comments. In all your posts it's clear that you have a kind heart and a lot of love for animals. You acted with the best intentions and took care of him (which I am sure he very much appreciated). He kept coming to yours, so that was his choice to be there with your family. People seem to think that an animal shouldn't have any choice or rights in this matter. They call themselves "owners" and think the pet is their possession. But that pet is a living being, not a piece of furniture and not a slave, and will go wherever he wants to go.

@Moonstarssunsky , maybe you could post the photo you took of the cat for the flyer you posted through people's doors when you were trying to find his owner? If people could see how skinny and malnourished he looked then maybe they would understand more.

I also understand you fed the cat because you cared and were worried about him. And that's lovely and you are clearly a kind person. But can I ask how you know the cat wasn't chipped (until the owner told you) or neutered or ill? You definitely couldn't know whether the cat was chipped, unless you had had it checked, and you said you hadn't. Also, if a cat isn't neutered until it's older, they often look like they still have their testicles. You also couldn't know if it was skinny because it was ill, because again, you didn't (couldn't) take him to the vets. I understand your concern, I genuinely do, but you say you know quite a lot about cats so would know that the cat could be skinny because it was sick rather than stray. And also, since you know so much about cats, you would know you could make the cat even sicker if you fed it the wrong stuff. It could have been getting fatter because of life-threatening bloating.

If the man didn't want the cat, or was neglecting it, then why was he taking it home with him? To spite it? Doubtful. Surely he would just ignore it if he saw it in the street if he didn't want it in the first place? And if you couldn't pick it up, how come he could, especially since you doubted it was even his? (Even happy cats who love their owners often wriggle when picked up).

Can I ask why you didn't seek help from the vets, or a local charity to check if it had a microchip or to help you to catch it since you couldn't do so yourself? If you had posted on any social media like you said you did, you would have had lots of replies telling you to contact local cat charities and naming them. I'm just honestly wondering why you didn't seek any help when you were clearly concerned the cat had no home and was starving and possibly ill.

Honestly, why are you encouraging the OP to try to steal the cat again?

She may have to accept he’ll never be here??? Of course she has to accept it. The owners have pointledly reclaimed their damn cat. They’d been looking for him!

She won't post the photo because I can guarantee she never put flyers through doors. Just as the OP has ignored my question about apparently being unable to pick the cat up to go to the vets to check for a chip the cat happily stayed over at theirs overnight. I think the OP just figured she could get away with slowly acclimating the cat to keep it.

If you were genuinely concerned about him, you should have called someone to come and trap him. All the local charities will have traps and volunteers who will come out, trap them and get them checked over. They'll then re-home them if they're genuine prays or find their owners if not.

Most unneutered male cats are pretty skinny - that doesn't mean they're stray or homeless. Cats will also sleep anywhere - it doesn't mean they don't have homes to go to, or owners who are looking for them.

I agree that the cat doesn't sound amazingly well taken care of but that doesn't mean it's your place to feed it. If you'd rung a charity the first few times he showed up, you'd probably have been able to keep him legitimately after they'd neutered him and given him his vaccinations anyway.

When I visited the house I was polite and again not emotional. I asked civilly if they were willing to allow me to take the cat.

This is absolutely wild 😂 Love to see your reaction OP if a complete stranger were to turn up on your doorstep and politely, civilly ask if you were willing to allow them to "take" your DD, or another member of your family (which let's face it, pets often are).

Bloody hell, op! You showed up at his house asking for the cat to be handed over to you 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Taking a child without informing the authorities would surely be kidnapping?!

OP, what do you want to to here? The owners of the cat don’t want anything to do with you. I wonder if it would’ve gone home earlier, had you not fed it.

No way would i feed i ‘stray’ cat though

I understand why you are upset OP, losing a cat can be very traumatic, but you just have to accept it was never yours and move on somehow.

Yes, but you now know he wasn't a stray so why are you fixating on that?

The only reason they're now making him stay in is because of you. Because you've effectively threatened to steal him again.

You're not getting it OP. You're adding 1+1 and coming up with 5.

Step back and stop seeing the cat as yours. They can do as they please with their own cat.

You sound like my mum. She ‘adopted’ a cat and was convinced it was neglected and underweight. I got a friend who works for a charity to scan it. It lived in the next road and belonged to a lovely family - he was just a six dinner Sid. The family have agreed to ‘share’ the cat with my mum (I wouldn't have) - and he now has two homes. Although within hours of this agreement my mum was muttering that she takes better care of the cat...

Thank you for your kind words also.

I agree that some posters are of the attitude that a pet is someone's possession.
A pet has feelings, and whilst I take on board that a cat's owner has rights, what about the rights of the cat?

Thankfully, you do hear how people have had cats leave home and find themselves another home to stay in. The owners find out and decide to allow their cat to be looked after by the other family the cat has chosen to live with.
People who do this are the most selfless people, because they want what's best for their pet, and if they realize the cat is happier elsewhere they put the cats needs and feelings above their own.