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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So upset, not sure what to do

717 replies

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 17:04

Posting here for traffic.
I'm not sure what to do over a stray cat I've been feeding etc.

I had my own cat until a few months ago when she sadly passed away. Before she passed however, a stray cat started to visit our garden and play with my cat.

The stray cat 'Tom' was so thin that we'd feed him everyday and provided shelter outside for him. We couldn't get close enough to get him into a cat carrier to take him to the vets.
After our Molly died, Tom became more confident with us and started to come into the house and stay overnight.

He put on weight and started to look healthy again. It was still difficult though trying to entice him into a cat carrier in order to check if he was chipped after all. He.was'nt neutered though, hence why we presumed he wasn't chipped either.
I recently borrowed a different kind of carrier to the one we already had, in the hope that it'd be easier to get Tom into it. Just to say, he's not the type of cat you can pick up easily.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was looking out the window and saw a young man walking past my house carrying Tom tightly in his arms. I ran out to speak to the man and saw that Tom was struggling to get free and was very distressed.
The man claimed that Tom was his cat and that he was taking him home as he hadn't seen him for some time.

I explained that we'd been caring for Tom and were gaining his confidence in us and that we'd love to keep him and get him checked and neutered at the vets.

The man was adamant however that Tom was his family pet, but admitted that he'd not been chipped. He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family.
The man let slip his house number (which was much further down the road) and hurried off with the cat still distressed.

I'm angry at myself for not trying to get Tom out of his arms, but I was concerned about repercussions if I did so. I'm also angry with myself for not ensuring we'd taken Tom to the vets sooner. I've no excuses for that, other than I was trying to gain his trust and needed the right carrier along with help from someone else to force him into the carrier if necessary.
A while after Tom was taken, my Dd and I visited the house where he's at and were told basically to go away (not very politely) once again, and that they'd be keeping the cat inside from now on.

I don't know what to do now. I'd love to offer money for Tom but I don't know whether to leave it for a while, as i.dont want to push things with this family.

They also have a few other cats (according to the going man) and so now I'm so upset that Tom is living with other pets and isn't happy there. If he was he wouldn't have left.
Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 21/03/2023 08:48

Leave the cat alone. Its not yours

JustDanceAddict · 21/03/2023 08:49

We had a lovely cat once, he had a great life at our house but maybe the baby pissed him off a bit. He was a right character though and very friendly and would ‘pretend’ he was hard done by rolling around on the pavement for strokes. He used to wander a lot and eventually a woman on a road backing onto ours decided to keep him for herself despite us asking her not to (she put a note on his collar and it all escalated from there) in the end (6 months later?) we let her have him as she was basically enticing him to hers - changed his chip details, cancelled the insurance etc. He still used to visit us and we’d feed him tuna to piss the woman off!!
Whatever you think of his owner, he’s not your cat. If you have welfare concerns call the rspca!

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 21/03/2023 08:50

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 21:02

Obviously didn't apply to the OP's visitor though, because he gained weight and improved condition when she started feeding him.

No, it doesn’t apply, ^because I didn’t feed a cat that wasn’t mine, I put a paper collar on him first’…

That was rather my point.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/03/2023 08:55

Yjis is an entirely different situation @JustDanceAddict .

But I do agree that if people want a cat, rather than entice a well-fed, cared-for animal away from its home they should get one of their own- the shelters are bulging with the poor things.

Just out of interest, what do people think would have happened to the cat had @Moonstarssunsky done as you all suggest and called the RSPCA?

It was an unneutered, unchipped animal in poor condition. No indication of where it had come from.

Do you think they would have knocked on doors asking "Sorry to bother you but is this scrawny bag of fleas and bones yours?"

Of course they wouldn't. Assuming they caught him, they would have taken him to a shelter, possibly euthanised him (if he was very poorly and they hadn't the resources), but certainly neutered and chipped him and put him up for homing if they could.

His "owner" would not have got him back.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/03/2023 08:58

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 21/03/2023 08:50

No, it doesn’t apply, ^because I didn’t feed a cat that wasn’t mine, I put a paper collar on him first’…

That was rather my point.

Apologies.

I quoted the wrong post. Can't recall which post I was replying to but it wasn't yours. Sorry again.

Ponoka7 · 21/03/2023 09:02

ElonsMusky · 20/03/2023 17:25

my dog isn't chipped, nor does he have a serial number to prove he's mine. I'd like to see someone try to take my dog on that basis lol.

Well your breaking the law, unless your dog has a medical exemption.
OP, if you see the cat out thin etc, then go on FB someone who has a scanner will scan for a chip and if none, get him chipped and consider him yours. From next year it's a legal requirement. The cat was being neglected. See how things go.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/03/2023 09:02

Just out of interest, what do people think would have happened to the cat had @Moonstarssunsky done as you all suggest and called the RSPCA?

She could have called cats protection or numerous other people of the issue was not liking the RSPCA policy (but let’s not be disingenuous and pretend that’s why she didn’t).

The “malnourished” cat would have at least been scanned for a microchip and given necessary vet treatment rather than simply given bits and bobs of food while the OP had her own cat.

Newuser82 · 21/03/2023 09:03

@Emotionalsupportviper I couldn't agree more about keeping cats inside. Particularly ones who have previously been outside cats and especially where there are multiple cats in the household. I completely disagree with this and actually loads of behavioural problems in cats would be solved by simply letting them outside but I stick to my point that the cat wasn't hers to feed and take care of and we don't know the whole story here.

Newuser82 · 21/03/2023 09:05

@Moonstarssunsky I don't think you are ever going to see the other side of this. You just can't claim a cat that isn't yours and that is obviously wanted by its current owners. Many loved and wanted and well fed cats wander to other houses because they get fed there. It's as simple as that.

Emmamoo89 · 21/03/2023 09:06

Tandora · 20/03/2023 21:08

This 😔. YANBU op ,

Its fine for cats to be indoor cats. For one they live longer...

Emmamoo89 · 21/03/2023 09:09

Newuser82 · 21/03/2023 09:03

@Emotionalsupportviper I couldn't agree more about keeping cats inside. Particularly ones who have previously been outside cats and especially where there are multiple cats in the household. I completely disagree with this and actually loads of behavioural problems in cats would be solved by simply letting them outside but I stick to my point that the cat wasn't hers to feed and take care of and we don't know the whole story here.

If a cat has never been outside, it's fine to keep them inside. I've never let mine out. They live longer kept inside.

Tandora · 21/03/2023 09:19

Emmamoo89 · 21/03/2023 09:06

Its fine for cats to be indoor cats. For one they live longer...

Says who? I think it’s absolutely awful to keep cats indoors. Would you want to be stuck indoors your whole life? I can’t think of anything worse.

It’s not about prolonging life at all costs, quality of life is important too.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/03/2023 09:34

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/03/2023 09:02

Just out of interest, what do people think would have happened to the cat had @Moonstarssunsky done as you all suggest and called the RSPCA?

She could have called cats protection or numerous other people of the issue was not liking the RSPCA policy (but let’s not be disingenuous and pretend that’s why she didn’t).

The “malnourished” cat would have at least been scanned for a microchip and given necessary vet treatment rather than simply given bits and bobs of food while the OP had her own cat.

He wasn't chipped. OP was intending to take him to check. Cat's protection wouldn't have been able to find his idiot owner anyway.

And I'm sure she was giving him proper portions - not just the scraps off her own cat's plate. OP cared about him.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/03/2023 09:37

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/03/2023 09:34

He wasn't chipped. OP was intending to take him to check. Cat's protection wouldn't have been able to find his idiot owner anyway.

And I'm sure she was giving him proper portions - not just the scraps off her own cat's plate. OP cared about him.

The OP had no way of knowing that…

No, they wouldn’t, but again, the op had no way of knowing that. They’d have been able to get the car appropriate care if he wasn’t indeed “malnourished”.

She did. But not enough to get proper help for him for months though…

dottiedodah · 21/03/2023 09:55

This happens an awful lot TBH! Pussy Cats are experts at looking "hard done by" and perfecting their "feed me faces" I appreciate you feel you were being kind to this one .However it already has a home! A young man carrying the hard to catch cat, must have been known to him or he wouldnt have let him near surely? Maybe have a look at Cats Protection nearby, and Im sure a beguiling B&W or terrific tabby will be there with your name on!

Trixiefirecracker · 21/03/2023 10:04

dottiedodah · 21/03/2023 09:55

This happens an awful lot TBH! Pussy Cats are experts at looking "hard done by" and perfecting their "feed me faces" I appreciate you feel you were being kind to this one .However it already has a home! A young man carrying the hard to catch cat, must have been known to him or he wouldnt have let him near surely? Maybe have a look at Cats Protection nearby, and Im sure a beguiling B&W or terrific tabby will be there with your name on!

Six Dinner Sid! 😂

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/03/2023 10:38

Emmamoo89 · 21/03/2023 09:06

Its fine for cats to be indoor cats. For one they live longer...

My 3 outdoor cats (prior to the two we have now) had pretty decent innings. Two were 18 and the third was 23.

It depends where you live. We are very busy for traffic at school dropping off/ collecting times, but not at other times of the day.

Cats can live contentedly indoors, but cats who are used to the outdoors like to get out - especially if they haven't been castrated/ spayed.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/03/2023 10:38

Trixiefirecracker · 21/03/2023 10:04

Six Dinner Sid! 😂

😂

Moonstarssunsky · 21/03/2023 10:39

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/03/2023 09:02

Just out of interest, what do people think would have happened to the cat had @Moonstarssunsky done as you all suggest and called the RSPCA?

She could have called cats protection or numerous other people of the issue was not liking the RSPCA policy (but let’s not be disingenuous and pretend that’s why she didn’t).

The “malnourished” cat would have at least been scanned for a microchip and given necessary vet treatment rather than simply given bits and bobs of food while the OP had her own cat.

He wasn't given bits and bobs of food. He was well fed and had an outdoor shelter complete with blankets . The shelter had been made by my Dad for Molly Incase she was out when I was and needed somewhere to go to.
Tom was using it whilst I tried to gain his trust. He preferred to stay there rather than go back to his home down the road.
Speaks volumes doesn't it.

OP posts:
Ellaelle · 21/03/2023 10:40

Thank you for being so kind,I dont understand why people are getting at you, maybe I simply don't understand cat etiquette

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/03/2023 10:41

Moonstarssunsky · 21/03/2023 10:39

He wasn't given bits and bobs of food. He was well fed and had an outdoor shelter complete with blankets . The shelter had been made by my Dad for Molly Incase she was out when I was and needed somewhere to go to.
Tom was using it whilst I tried to gain his trust. He preferred to stay there rather than go back to his home down the road.
Speaks volumes doesn't it.

No, it really doesn’t. It says he was in your garden while you fed him.

you’ve no idea where he was the rest of the time.

Why didn’t you get a cat you claim was “malnourished” proper her from people who could have helped him without needing weeks/months to gain his trust?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/03/2023 10:41

*proper help

MonumentalLentil · 21/03/2023 10:41

It might have been kinder to yourself to post this in the Litter Tray topic. AIBU is not the friendliest of places.

I understand why you fed him. I bought a scanner for similar circumstances, cat was not neutered which led me to think he wasn't chipped either, he wasn't. You can buy a Halo scanner easily, don't have to be a vet or breeder. A responsible owner would have had him chipped and neutered and not left him to get thin and scruffy.

I suspect the man wouldn't be too pleased to find an intact tom will probably spray indoors so he may be back outside soon. Of course it would be wrong to take him to the vet if you see him, get him neutered and chipped and then build him a nice catio 😼.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/03/2023 10:43

He was likely at multiple other houses with people feeding him as well.

there are lots of people who feel the need to feed other peoples cats without knowing their health, or wanting to contribute to vet bills.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/03/2023 10:52

.Of course it would be wrong to take him to the vet if you see him, get him neutered and chipped and then build him a nice catio 😼.

Yes - you must NOT do this under any circumstances OP, it would be terribly unethical 😸

Seriously, if he makes his way back, and he is still neither chipped nor de-bollocked, I would be tempted . . .

. . . might be a good idea to dye his whiskers as well . . .

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