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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So upset, not sure what to do

717 replies

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 17:04

Posting here for traffic.
I'm not sure what to do over a stray cat I've been feeding etc.

I had my own cat until a few months ago when she sadly passed away. Before she passed however, a stray cat started to visit our garden and play with my cat.

The stray cat 'Tom' was so thin that we'd feed him everyday and provided shelter outside for him. We couldn't get close enough to get him into a cat carrier to take him to the vets.
After our Molly died, Tom became more confident with us and started to come into the house and stay overnight.

He put on weight and started to look healthy again. It was still difficult though trying to entice him into a cat carrier in order to check if he was chipped after all. He.was'nt neutered though, hence why we presumed he wasn't chipped either.
I recently borrowed a different kind of carrier to the one we already had, in the hope that it'd be easier to get Tom into it. Just to say, he's not the type of cat you can pick up easily.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was looking out the window and saw a young man walking past my house carrying Tom tightly in his arms. I ran out to speak to the man and saw that Tom was struggling to get free and was very distressed.
The man claimed that Tom was his cat and that he was taking him home as he hadn't seen him for some time.

I explained that we'd been caring for Tom and were gaining his confidence in us and that we'd love to keep him and get him checked and neutered at the vets.

The man was adamant however that Tom was his family pet, but admitted that he'd not been chipped. He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family.
The man let slip his house number (which was much further down the road) and hurried off with the cat still distressed.

I'm angry at myself for not trying to get Tom out of his arms, but I was concerned about repercussions if I did so. I'm also angry with myself for not ensuring we'd taken Tom to the vets sooner. I've no excuses for that, other than I was trying to gain his trust and needed the right carrier along with help from someone else to force him into the carrier if necessary.
A while after Tom was taken, my Dd and I visited the house where he's at and were told basically to go away (not very politely) once again, and that they'd be keeping the cat inside from now on.

I don't know what to do now. I'd love to offer money for Tom but I don't know whether to leave it for a while, as i.dont want to push things with this family.

They also have a few other cats (according to the going man) and so now I'm so upset that Tom is living with other pets and isn't happy there. If he was he wouldn't have left.
Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
Canthave2manycats · 20/03/2023 21:11

piqueen · 20/03/2023 21:00

keeping the cat warm?! you're so weird what the fuck is this?

What's wrong with keeping the cat warm?

His 'loving' owners don't seem to have put themselves out too much looking for Tom, do they? And he hasn't gone home at all when he wasn't all that far away?

This grabbing of the cat by the 'owner' when he happened to see him is a bit off somehow? Would you not approach the cat to be sure it was yours, and maybe have a photo on your phone as proof of ownership?

@Moonstarssunsky I honestly think you should let them all argue with their toenails here. You may have been a little misguided in how you handled the situation but I personally think it was out of kindness, and then you bonded and thought he could move in with you. That's heartbreaking for you. I'd really have liked to see proof of ownership. You don't know what sort of people you're dealing with here so you're best of leaving it. If Tom comes back, get a local rescue to take him. They might decide they don't want him again - it happens - or move and leave him behind - we got one of ours that way.

Get a nice glass of something you enjoy, and start your research. Look up all the cat rescue pages local to you and find a cat (or two) that can be truly yours. Please look at the older babies too - ours were 5 and 2 when we adopted them and they're the light and soul of our house!

Tom's out of your hands, that's the way it is - please don't follow this toxic thread and upset yourself any more. I hate the cruel way adults tear posters apart here. Best wishes x

Addymontgomeryfan · 20/03/2023 21:14

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 17:56

Thank you. I agree with you.

Seems it's not about the welfare and the happiness of the cat, it's all about who 'has a claim to it first'

It's not about who 'has a claim to it first'. You can't just claim someone else's pet. If the cat really was as untrusting with strangers as you say then a random man in the street wouldn't have been able to pick him up.

PsychoCandy23 · 20/03/2023 21:14

Cats are intrinsically disloyal and proper free loading fiends. I love my cat. But I expect loyalty only from my dog. Just get your own cat? Or - if you want loyalty - a dog. I love my pets. But I am woken at 5am each day by demands for Dreamies. Then the dog joins in. Cats are normally always fine. Maybe Tom will turn up again?

JudyGemstone · 20/03/2023 21:21

My cat is happy and loves us and her home as far as we can tell - but if we try and pick her up she cries and wails pitifully, she’s a maine coon and they don’t really like to be picked up, some cats don’t.

My ex MiL had two cats (expensive pedigrees too) who the neighbour took a fancy to and decided they would co-opt them by feeding them.

it happens a lot, sometimes involving expensive court cases.

the neighbour was a bit silly not to have him neutered and chipped, but hopefully he’s learned his lesson now.

You should go and get another cat, it’ll will have a lovely home with you I’m sure :)

Redbushteaforme · 20/03/2023 21:27

OP, I don't know why you are getting such a hard time. I would have tried to help a hungry, thin cat too. Wandering cats are hard to keep in, and I firmly believe that cats choose their own homes. I bet Tom will end up at yours again. If he does, and he is looking thin again, take him to the vet to see if you can find out why. If it's down to neglect, contact RSPCA or local equivalent.

PsychoCandy23 · 20/03/2023 21:36

Maine coons are so pretty and elegant! We just have a lengthy Tom from a small lockdown litter. He doesn’t go far at all post castration. But if he wanted too, he would. I think OP should look at adopting a kitten. Just because they’re awesome. And decide where they want to roam. Also, looking at potential adoptee cats involves looking at cats. Really cute cats!!!

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 21:38

Tandora · 20/03/2023 21:08

This 😔. YANBU op ,

Thank you

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 20/03/2023 21:51

I think this thread is telling you it's time you got another cat. From the cat shelter or similar.

I believe you meant well but honestly, feeding other people's cats usually leads to trouble. You have a lot of care and love to give to a cat in need so forget this one and go adopt another who needs a home. There's plenty I believe.

Teenagehorrorbag · 20/03/2023 21:51

I feel for you OP - some horrible replies here, especially as you just lost your Molly. I do agree that there's nothing you can do about Tom's owner taking him back (and I'm sure he must be the owner as no-one would steal a random moggy) but sympathise that you thought he was a stray that you were befriending.

We had similar when I was a child. We tamed and fed a skinny local Tom, only for some unpleasant man to claim ownership. I'm not certain but I think my Dad may have paid the chap off, and we did keep him and moved away soon after. I suppose you could put a note through the door offering £50 if they felt they could part with him? You've nothing to lose.....

But otherwise, you may just have to accept that his owner has taken him back, and get another cat. I agree it's sad if he is going to be kept indoors (although how they will manage that with other cats in the house could be interesting) but I'm afraid you'll just have to try and forget. Flowers.

inadarkdarkhouseinadarkdarkstreet · 20/03/2023 21:55

My Mum could have written this post. She convinces herself that any random cats that appear more than once in her garden are all starving, lonely, neglected etc. She just KNOWS this and no amount of reasoning can get through to her. Of course she feeds them too, because she imagines that vast swathes of cat owners are incapable of looking after their cats. She is a kind, caring person as I'm sure you are, but the cat isn't yours.

Imtryingnottobother · 20/03/2023 21:57

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 17:11

Yes I know that, but technically he isn't the man's cat either i.dont think, as he's not been chipped and the man also said he'd no proof of ownership.
I'm concerned for the cat as he was extremely thin when he started coming to us.

If the cats being neglected like you think, these people will soon get bored of the cat and I’m sure Tom will be venturing your way again when he’s hungry.

Hoplesscynic · 20/03/2023 21:57

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 21:38

Thank you

I was thinking exactly the same! I am honestly gobsmacked that so many posters are chastising you here.. If this was a human child being potentially abused, would they be saying "Give him back to his parents, he isn't yours"??
All you can do now is report your concerns to the RSPCA and if you see Tom again, take him to the vet and see what they can tell you. Also consider giving him to someone you know will love him, but who doesn't live in your neighborhood (so he can't be found again).
Your instinct told you something was off about this man and it doesn't seem like Tom has been loved and cared for well there. Keeping a cat indoors at all times is really cruel too.

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 21:59

piqueen · 20/03/2023 21:00

keeping the cat warm?! you're so weird what the fuck is this?

Weird to keep a cat warm is it? .... Thankfully not everyone would think like you do.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 22:00

NotMyDayJob · 20/03/2023 21:10

Our cat is grey too, but not a tabby and she's not petite. She's also very friendly, she would go and visit the neighbours but best as we could tell she didn't eat at other houses she just liked to pop in to say hello.

One of those neighbours was particularly obsessed by her, once we had a knock at the door, it was pouring with rain and it was one of the neighbours wanting to know if we were in so she could come home he then went and got her and carried her back to our house in the pouring rain 🤣 he wouldn't believe us when we told him (several times) she had a cat flap. God bless you weird neighbour Mike (but get your own cat! 🤣)

😂

Cats are the bosses - no doubt about it!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 22:00

If this was a human child being potentially abused, would they be saying "Give him back to his parents, he isn't yours"??

What an utterly bizarre comparison.

No-one would be saying “keep the child…”

AlbertaAnnie · 20/03/2023 22:01

MatildaTheCat · 20/03/2023 17:36

Lets hope none of your neighbours has any skinny children walking around the area.

This made me lol

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 22:04

Hoplesscynic · 20/03/2023 21:57

I was thinking exactly the same! I am honestly gobsmacked that so many posters are chastising you here.. If this was a human child being potentially abused, would they be saying "Give him back to his parents, he isn't yours"??
All you can do now is report your concerns to the RSPCA and if you see Tom again, take him to the vet and see what they can tell you. Also consider giving him to someone you know will love him, but who doesn't live in your neighborhood (so he can't be found again).
Your instinct told you something was off about this man and it doesn't seem like Tom has been loved and cared for well there. Keeping a cat indoors at all times is really cruel too.

I've got to admit some of the posts are I think really cruel and have upset me.

I'm glad though that there are kind posts like yours.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 22:06

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 22:00

If this was a human child being potentially abused, would they be saying "Give him back to his parents, he isn't yours"??

What an utterly bizarre comparison.

No-one would be saying “keep the child…”

No-one would be saying "Leave the child to wander the streets, cold and hungry. Its parents will find it sooner or later" either.

BlackBarbies · 20/03/2023 22:06

Look you saw a cat that you thought was malnourished and fed it. No harm in doing that. However, you’ve now seen the cat with someone who claims to be his owner, what proof do you need to see?! It’s not your cat and he’s told you that it’s his. I don’t know what else you want!

Snowpatrolling · 20/03/2023 22:14

Just because the cat was struggling to get free, doesn’t mean the man wasn’t telling the truth.
my cat hates being picked up, she wall claw my face if I try to! Yet she’s still mine!

ReliantRobyn · 20/03/2023 22:22

Hey crazy cat lady : stop stealing other people's cats!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 22:25

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 22:06

No-one would be saying "Leave the child to wander the streets, cold and hungry. Its parents will find it sooner or later" either.

Well yes. Which is why the Op should have phoned RSPCA/Cats Protection/other charity to actually help the cat when she thought it was malnourished…

She didn’t bother. Now the cat is home.

If she’s worried she can still do that… but she’s not. She’s just pissed off that she’s lost the cat she was planning keeping

Hoplesscynic · 20/03/2023 22:26

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 22:00

If this was a human child being potentially abused, would they be saying "Give him back to his parents, he isn't yours"??

What an utterly bizarre comparison.

No-one would be saying “keep the child…”

No but you would be concerned and you'd want to help.
Animals can't speak and they have hardly any rights or freedom , still treated as "property" and always at the mercy of their Owners (not too different to how children used to be regarded btw)

Imtryingnottobother · 20/03/2023 22:29

Phone RSPCA with your concerns about the cats welfare.
It does sound like the cat is not being looked after properly, if he’s put on weight while he’s being fed by you.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 20/03/2023 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Regardless of the cat, please don’t talk about mental health issues that you don’t understand, as if you do. People might read this and believe what you say because you seem to talk with such confidence.