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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So upset, not sure what to do

717 replies

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 17:04

Posting here for traffic.
I'm not sure what to do over a stray cat I've been feeding etc.

I had my own cat until a few months ago when she sadly passed away. Before she passed however, a stray cat started to visit our garden and play with my cat.

The stray cat 'Tom' was so thin that we'd feed him everyday and provided shelter outside for him. We couldn't get close enough to get him into a cat carrier to take him to the vets.
After our Molly died, Tom became more confident with us and started to come into the house and stay overnight.

He put on weight and started to look healthy again. It was still difficult though trying to entice him into a cat carrier in order to check if he was chipped after all. He.was'nt neutered though, hence why we presumed he wasn't chipped either.
I recently borrowed a different kind of carrier to the one we already had, in the hope that it'd be easier to get Tom into it. Just to say, he's not the type of cat you can pick up easily.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was looking out the window and saw a young man walking past my house carrying Tom tightly in his arms. I ran out to speak to the man and saw that Tom was struggling to get free and was very distressed.
The man claimed that Tom was his cat and that he was taking him home as he hadn't seen him for some time.

I explained that we'd been caring for Tom and were gaining his confidence in us and that we'd love to keep him and get him checked and neutered at the vets.

The man was adamant however that Tom was his family pet, but admitted that he'd not been chipped. He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family.
The man let slip his house number (which was much further down the road) and hurried off with the cat still distressed.

I'm angry at myself for not trying to get Tom out of his arms, but I was concerned about repercussions if I did so. I'm also angry with myself for not ensuring we'd taken Tom to the vets sooner. I've no excuses for that, other than I was trying to gain his trust and needed the right carrier along with help from someone else to force him into the carrier if necessary.
A while after Tom was taken, my Dd and I visited the house where he's at and were told basically to go away (not very politely) once again, and that they'd be keeping the cat inside from now on.

I don't know what to do now. I'd love to offer money for Tom but I don't know whether to leave it for a while, as i.dont want to push things with this family.

They also have a few other cats (according to the going man) and so now I'm so upset that Tom is living with other pets and isn't happy there. If he was he wouldn't have left.
Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 20:40

AdInfinitum12 · 20/03/2023 17:21

Yes, technically, he is the man's cat. He bought/adopted him presumably. He also doesn't need to provide you, a total stranger, with any proof of ownership.

The man may have been lying - he may well be a "hoarder" of cats - the poor animal was thin and uncared for, and at best had taken himself out of the man's house to get away from the other cats. he may well have been driven out by the other cats.

Or he many not have been that man's cat at all and he was lying/mistaken. Is he a distinctly patterned cat? One that would be very recognisable?

Even if it is "his" - he's a rubbish owner - hadn't had him chipped. That poor cat could have been run over or lost, and they would never have got him back - anything could have happened to him.

OP - I'm with you. He may well escape and come back to you. It's not so very easy to keep cats indoors if they are determined to be out. I'd hide him and deny all knowledge.

Canthave2manycats · 20/03/2023 20:43

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 20:31

And did you miss the bit where she couldn’t put a paper collar on him or take him to the vet the entire time?

She could have called someone experienced to come and scan the cat or fit a paper collar.

Did you also miss the bit where she didn't know what she should have done? Not everyone does. I already said she should have taken him to the vet when he started to come into the house.

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 20:44

Tootsweets84 · 20/03/2023 20:00

Why is it when people want to steal someone else's cat it's always 'it was so skinny, obviously starving'. Surely as a former cat owner you are aware that cats are semi wild animals and are perfectly capable of hunting/scavenging for their own food. Highly unlikely that a cat in this country is going to starve to death even if the owner never fed it. It's more likely that the cat was naturally skinny and you have now made it overweight by feeding it in addition to it's regular meals.
My cat is overweight. I know he is being fed by one of my neighbours, but I don't know who and he won't stay indoors, so I can't do much about it. If I reduce his meals at home he will just go there and I'll lose him. He is very clearly a loved pet (microchipped and has a collar) and it absolutely infuriates me. DONT FEED OTHER PEOPLE'S CATS

cats are semi wild animals and are perfectly capable of hunting/scavenging for their own food

This is a fallacy.

Domestic cats in an urban situation get very hungry and lose condition extremely quickly.

Even feral, rural cats don't always get enough to eat. Most wild animals spend at least part of their lives very hungry indeed,

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 20:45

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 20:22

I would also say that those of you piling onto me with anger because I fed a clearly hungry cat (who I assimed was a stray), well how would you feel if you found that YOUR CAT had gone missing, say due to genuinely being lost, and someone fed and looked after them whilst trying to find out if they were owned?

I’d be furious they used my cat to make themselves feel good feeding them here and there for weeks or months rather than calling the RSPCA, Cats Protection or numerous other experienced cat charities that could have helped much quicker.

That would have been the sensible thing to do. Get someone out to catch, scan and if necessary treat, quickly.

What a nasty comment, I didn't 'use the cat to make myself feel good'
I fed him when he came around because he looked hungry. I was thinking of the cat not myself fgs

OP posts:
Canthave2manycats · 20/03/2023 20:46

Albiboba · 20/03/2023 20:24

No, there’s no ‘technically’ about it.
It’s not your cat, this man says it’s his cat, it being chipped is irrelevant.
Very few cats are strays, it’s actually such a shitty thing to keep feeding a cat.

Tell that to the overwhelmed rescues, with so many adopters only wanting kittens!!

I haven't wanted to say this but I will say this - not all people who grab cats are well-intentioned, let's just say...

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 20:48

Canthave2manycats · 20/03/2023 20:43

Did you also miss the bit where she didn't know what she should have done? Not everyone does. I already said she should have taken him to the vet when he started to come into the house.

What point are you trying to make here?

The OP isn’t a fucking hero for feeding, and building herself a sense of entitlement to, someone else’s potentially ill cat…

It wouldn’t have taken her long to find out what to do had she been bothered in checking. Instead she decided for herself what to do and is now pissed off because people aren’t falling over themselves to pity her that the cats owners have picked up the cat and taken it home.

That she didn’t know what to do simply adds weight to the probably that the cat wasn’t “malnourished” and the Op was simply another person who took it upon themselves to feed someone else’s cat.

OldFan · 20/03/2023 20:48

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Honeyroar · 20/03/2023 20:48

WinterDeWinter · 20/03/2023 17:45

I find it really weird that posters think property ownership trumps animal welfare.

  1. the property cat was malnourished
  2. the cat was unhappy or would have stayed where he was
  3. 'indoor cats' are cats who aren't allowed to exercise their natural instincts
  4. Worse, this cat has been free to roam but will now be imprisoned so that the 'owners' can maintain their property rights

We don’t actually know how malnourished the cat was.

Cats happily go to other houses. Ours goes to my neighbour’s house every day. When I go in he is always on their sofa. Comes home to us after a few hours.

I agree cats should be outdoors. These people are only keeping this cat indoors because they are worried that the OP wants to steal their cat. They’re not wrong are they!
(I suspect it will drive them crazy asking to go outside and they’ll end up letting it out anyway).

OP sadly this is not your cat and you made no attempt to try to find the owner before you took over with it. I’m not sure a microchip proves ownership. The previous owner
will probably have vet records for the cat and photos of the cat from before your microchip anyway..

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 20:48

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 20:45

What a nasty comment, I didn't 'use the cat to make myself feel good'
I fed him when he came around because he looked hungry. I was thinking of the cat not myself fgs

In my experience cats choose a home they want to stay in.

If my lost/strayed cat formed an attachment to another person and house it would upset me, but I'd suck it up and let him stay where he was happy.

It's less likely to happen to either of my cats, thoug, because they are chipped, neutered and not forced into overcrowded conditions when they would prefer to be an only cat. Not all cats like company - many feel overwhelmed if there are too many animals in the house.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 20:50

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 20:45

What a nasty comment, I didn't 'use the cat to make myself feel good'
I fed him when he came around because he looked hungry. I was thinking of the cat not myself fgs

you asked the question…

Nothing nasty in point in out that if you are concerned for the welfare of an animal the correct thing to do is get them help.

NotMyDayJob · 20/03/2023 20:51

This kind of happened to us. We have a very popular cat, she's pretty and very flirty. When we moved from our last house, and the for sale sign went up, we had two sets of unrelated neighbours knock on the door and ask if we were thinking of moving without our cat, they could do us a 'favour' and take our cat in! One of them even had the check to tell us her children had become very attached to our cat! Our (then) toddler DC was very attached to our cat too! There was nothing to suggest our cat wouldn't be coming with us!

It was really fucking weird. Get your own cat!

piqueen · 20/03/2023 20:54

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please give me my dog thread back, it actually belongs to me. Admittedly I haven't chipped my dog thread.... But it's mine. I gained its confidence

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 20:55

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Firstly. he didn't come 'looking for him'
The cat was out and he obviously spotted him.
Secondly, I find your post absolutely sickening. How dare you mention personality disprders.
All of this crap because I tried to make a cats life a little better.
Go away please.

OP posts:
Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 20/03/2023 20:58

I made friends with a really, really bleak looking cat. He looked like he was at death’s door. The first thing I did was put a collar on him asking if he belonged to anyone, with my number. I got a call that night. He was a much loved family pet, but a poor soul afflicted with feline TB, which is why he looked like crap. We were still friends, just outside the house and with no feeding.

Canthave2manycats · 20/03/2023 20:58

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 20:48

What point are you trying to make here?

The OP isn’t a fucking hero for feeding, and building herself a sense of entitlement to, someone else’s potentially ill cat…

It wouldn’t have taken her long to find out what to do had she been bothered in checking. Instead she decided for herself what to do and is now pissed off because people aren’t falling over themselves to pity her that the cats owners have picked up the cat and taken it home.

That she didn’t know what to do simply adds weight to the probably that the cat wasn’t “malnourished” and the Op was simply another person who took it upon themselves to feed someone else’s cat.

That you are tripping over yourself in fury determined to make the OP feel shit. She saw a cat that she thought needed help, so she gave it. She failed to seek help - well maybe she didn't know how and to begin with couldn't catch the cat, and then she had bonded with him. It's not as if she was using for dog bait or something!!!

It's not your cat either btw, you don't need to be so over-invested.

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 21:00

NotMyDayJob · 20/03/2023 20:51

This kind of happened to us. We have a very popular cat, she's pretty and very flirty. When we moved from our last house, and the for sale sign went up, we had two sets of unrelated neighbours knock on the door and ask if we were thinking of moving without our cat, they could do us a 'favour' and take our cat in! One of them even had the check to tell us her children had become very attached to our cat! Our (then) toddler DC was very attached to our cat too! There was nothing to suggest our cat wouldn't be coming with us!

It was really fucking weird. Get your own cat!

My DS and his wife also have a particularly beautiful cat - just a moggy, but silver tabby with white legs and tummy and a white flash up her nose. She's very petite, too, and looks the sweetest, daintiest little thing you could imagine. Lots of people say "Oh - I wish she was mine".

This doesn't last log because she's an *rsehole of the first order and very bitey and scratchy with everybody except her immediate family. She has attacked visitors, including meter readers etc, and has to be shut away when anyone comes to the house.

I think they'd be delighted if she decided she wanted to live somewhere else, but she hates leaving the house and even in good weather never goes out of the garden.

piqueen · 20/03/2023 21:00

keeping the cat warm?! you're so weird what the fuck is this?

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 21:02

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 20/03/2023 20:58

I made friends with a really, really bleak looking cat. He looked like he was at death’s door. The first thing I did was put a collar on him asking if he belonged to anyone, with my number. I got a call that night. He was a much loved family pet, but a poor soul afflicted with feline TB, which is why he looked like crap. We were still friends, just outside the house and with no feeding.

Obviously didn't apply to the OP's visitor though, because he gained weight and improved condition when she started feeding him.

PsychoCandy23 · 20/03/2023 21:03

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Dogs are cool. I have a dog. And a cat. I prefer the dog. Cats are intrinsically funny and disloyal. If a cat were unhappy, it would return to OP in a heartbeat. Dogs rule!

notangelinajolie · 20/03/2023 21:06

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 17:30

I would have if I could've got close to him.. He's put on quite a bit of weight and is much healthier looking.

No you shouldn't have taken him to the vet. He wasn't your cat and it isn't for you to presume he was lost or hungry.

There is a local WhatsApp group in my area and I've lost count of the number of times people have posted photos of my cat on it. Often described as in distress, thin, hungry, neglected. She is non of those, she is a very loved, pampered princess who happens to be old, thin and a bit scraggy looking. She loves nothing more than a bit of attention and will happily chat to anyone passing by.

I'm terrified that one day someone will pick her up and take her to 'safety'. And if it's too far from home she will never find her way back.

You now know the cat belongs to someone else. Leave it alone. And if he escapes and wanders back into your house, leave him be and let him find his way home.

Tandora · 20/03/2023 21:08

WinterDeWinter · 20/03/2023 17:45

I find it really weird that posters think property ownership trumps animal welfare.

  1. the property cat was malnourished
  2. the cat was unhappy or would have stayed where he was
  3. 'indoor cats' are cats who aren't allowed to exercise their natural instincts
  4. Worse, this cat has been free to roam but will now be imprisoned so that the 'owners' can maintain their property rights

This 😔. YANBU op ,

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 21:09

Canthave2manycats · 20/03/2023 20:58

That you are tripping over yourself in fury determined to make the OP feel shit. She saw a cat that she thought needed help, so she gave it. She failed to seek help - well maybe she didn't know how and to begin with couldn't catch the cat, and then she had bonded with him. It's not as if she was using for dog bait or something!!!

It's not your cat either btw, you don't need to be so over-invested.

I’m not over invested. I’m replying to a thread, just as you are.

and people need to learn to stop feeding random cats.

If an animal needs help you get them help. Not make it up as you go along.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/03/2023 21:10

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 21:02

Obviously didn't apply to the OP's visitor though, because he gained weight and improved condition when she started feeding him.

Putting on “quite a bit of weight” doesn’t mean the cat was getting healthier!

It could be the exact opposite.

NotMyDayJob · 20/03/2023 21:10

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/03/2023 21:00

My DS and his wife also have a particularly beautiful cat - just a moggy, but silver tabby with white legs and tummy and a white flash up her nose. She's very petite, too, and looks the sweetest, daintiest little thing you could imagine. Lots of people say "Oh - I wish she was mine".

This doesn't last log because she's an *rsehole of the first order and very bitey and scratchy with everybody except her immediate family. She has attacked visitors, including meter readers etc, and has to be shut away when anyone comes to the house.

I think they'd be delighted if she decided she wanted to live somewhere else, but she hates leaving the house and even in good weather never goes out of the garden.

Our cat is grey too, but not a tabby and she's not petite. She's also very friendly, she would go and visit the neighbours but best as we could tell she didn't eat at other houses she just liked to pop in to say hello.

One of those neighbours was particularly obsessed by her, once we had a knock at the door, it was pouring with rain and it was one of the neighbours wanting to know if we were in so she could come home he then went and got her and carried her back to our house in the pouring rain 🤣 he wouldn't believe us when we told him (several times) she had a cat flap. God bless you weird neighbour Mike (but get your own cat! 🤣)

Tryingtokeepgoing · 20/03/2023 21:10

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This post needs a lot more credit 😂😂