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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nanny needing break

153 replies

Cousinmuffin · 20/03/2023 14:26

I am an after school nanny so don’t work enough hours during the week to require a break - all fine. Although sometimes I do full days during strikes, half terms, weekends etc. On those days 99% of the time, the parents still are WFH but never offer me a quick 10 minute ‘go for a walk’ breather.

child in is KS1 and struggles on these days knowing their parents are home but not playing with them and as I am so familiar to them, they will often be a lot more challenging in the delivery of these emotions than say they would to their teacher. It’s not often but sometimes I do get overwhelmed and really wish I could step away for a minute. AIBU to think I should be able to do this?

I know in reality I won’t because it feels far too awkward to ask a parent to step off the computer for 10 minutes when the child has been getting more frustrated and pushing boundaries for an hour because at the end of the day it is my job?

A quick mention, I love this child honestly and enjoy my time with them. This is just on full days where they get emotional that parent is home but not able to give them their time.

OP posts:

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/03/2023 14:29

I was a nanny for years, I can't imagine this even crossing my mind as an option. Surely this is when you take the kids out for a walk to the park so you all get fresh air?

Original poster

Cousinmuffin · 20/03/2023 14:33

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/03/2023 14:29

I was a nanny for years, I can't imagine this even crossing my mind as an option. Surely this is when you take the kids out for a walk to the park so you all get fresh air?

To be honest this usually starts after we have been out. Almost like a ‘are you still working’ thing to their parents

OP posts:

SallyWD · 20/03/2023 14:33

I actually think that's quite a reasonable request. Why don't you have a chat with the parent and explain how emotional the child gets and see if they could be with the child for 30 minutes or so. Explain that you feel overwhelmed sometimes. If I was the parent, I'd absolutely want to help in this situation.

JudgeRudy · 20/03/2023 14:35

I think if they're asking you to cover additional hours ad hoc when you know they'll be working from home it's reasonable to request a break but I'd be inclined to request a proper lunch break so at least half an hour maybe an hour. Depending on your agreed duties I'd be happy to prep a simple light lunch....then handover to parents whilst you leave and eat your own lunch elsewhere.
I wouldn't expect to be paid of course and I'd be reasonably flexible with the timings. I think a 10 min break is neither one thing or the other. Do you expect to get paid? When would you take it. ...I think an unpaid lunchbreak keeps it simple.
If they say no I'd be tempted to call their bluff (assuming you want the work).

user567543 · 20/03/2023 14:36

It doesn’t sound as though the child is coping very well in general - I’d be overall concerned about that. A child should be able to understand when parents are working and when they’re not. You can ask but wfh is working - if they weren’t really working presumably they wouldn’t need a nanny?

NannyR · 20/03/2023 14:37

I work as a nanny and although I have pretty strict limits on TV/screen time, I let them watch something after lunch for half an hour, during school holidays, so I can get a bit of time off and enjoy a coffee in peace
(of course you can guarantee that the parents will pick that moment to come downstairs, whilst you are sat with a coffee, looking at your phone whilst the kids are glued to the tv!!)

user567543 · 20/03/2023 14:38

Yes sorry I’ve misread - I thought you were looking for breaks after school. Yes, they need to have a clear set of rules for the longer days that they’ve also made clear to their children.

Chubbernut · 20/03/2023 14:39

Honestly, no. Taking a few minutes to regroup whilst the child is set up with an activity is completely fine but asking the parents to step in and take over really isn’t. People expect a nanny (much like a SAHM) to be able to handle looking after the child by themselves. If a nanny asked me this then, honestly, I would think it was an indication of a much wider inability to cope and I’d be looking for alternative provision. What if they were working out of the house? It’s really no different. This is why nannies are except from working time provision. On a very rare occasion or an emergency, fine - otherwise, I think YABU to expect this.

Original poster

Cousinmuffin · 20/03/2023 14:43

I’m not necessarily saying I want the parents to take over at the exact moment child is overwhelmed. I more meant that if I had 10 minutes to just refresh myself during the day then it wouldn’t be so challenging after 9 hours alone with child. I can manage it and do. I just suppose I didn’t think I was being unreasonable to just want 10 minutes to myself at some point of my 9/10 hour shift.

OP posts:

StopFeckingFaffing · 20/03/2023 14:43

I can imagine how the parent(s) WFH while you do your nanny job is not easy and is making your job more challenging but ultimately you are there to allow the parents to work uninterrupted so I don't think it would be reasonable to request a break unless this has been previously agreed

Assuming the parents are decent people then I don't think it would be unreasonable to discuss the situation with them at start or end of one of your shifts though and explain about the behaviours it is causing and ask if they have any suggestions

nannyl · 20/03/2023 14:48

having worked as a nanny for more than 10 years it never crossed my mind to ask the parents to give me a break. (Many of my jobs had a parent at home or within the grounds for some of the time)

I worked 10+ hours a day every day. (like most nannys do)

If baby was having a nap and I'd done my extra jobs i might sit down for a little with a cuppa and the baby monitor, but even when the parents were home i literally never even thought to ask the parents to look after their children so I could have a break.

If i had an important call or similar I might let them watch TV while I dealt with it for a few mins

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/03/2023 14:48

Do the parents come down or leave you to it completely?

Chubbernut · 20/03/2023 14:49

Cousinmuffin · 20/03/2023 14:43

That’s quite different from what you said in your OP (I assume the curse of moving goal posts which tends to crop up in AIBU).

I do get overwhelmed and really wish I could step away for a minute. AIBU to think I should be able to do this? I know in reality I won’t because it feels far too awkward to ask a parent to step off the computer for 10 minutes when the child has been getting more frustrated and pushing boundaries for an hour

I’m not necessarily saying I want the parents to take over at the exact moment child is overwhelmed.

Personally, if it’s not in the exact moment that you’re overwhelmed then I don’t see the purpose in it. If you need a break to compose yourself then you need a break to compose yourself (but as PP have said) there’s a way to facilitate that without the parents having to take over. If you’ve already re-composed yourself then why do you need to step away for a minute because you’re overwhelmed?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/03/2023 14:51

Do you meet up with other nannies / have play dates/ go swimming etc?

neilyoungismyhero · 20/03/2023 14:53

Would it not unsettle the child to have a parent/parents take over for 10 minutes or so then disappear again upstairs ?

KvotheTheBloodless · 20/03/2023 14:56

neilyoungismyhero · 20/03/2023 14:53

Would it not unsettle the child to have a parent/parents take over for 10 minutes or so then disappear again upstairs ?

This - I think it'd do more harm than good TBH.

Do you smoke, OP? As I imagine it must get stressful going without all day.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 20/03/2023 14:59

I’m battling to sympathise here. Either the parents need to be clear with the child that when you’re around mum/dad work and aren’t to be disturbed, or you go bigger on activities that are easier for you but still fun for the kid. Or both.

HarrietStyles · 20/03/2023 15:07

I worked as a Nanny for over 10 years, usually 8am-7pm five days a week. One job with four children. Some parents worked from home, most were out of the house. You don’t get a “break” as a Nanny, you are on duty with the children for an 11 hour day. But one of the perks of the job is that you can go for a nice walk in the park, or stop in a coffee shop or cafe, or meet other Nannies and children for playdates. I never dreamt of asking the parents for an official break, as all the families were fine with me having a cup of tea and sit down for 10 mins during the day, while the kids were playing.

Hullabub · 20/03/2023 15:14

Honestly, I think it would be more detrimental for the parents to take over for 10 minutes to give you a break. I think this would cause the child far more upset and make it harder for you.

I would have thought there are other ways, such as settling a child at an activity to give you a little breathing space.

I’m a childminder working 11 hours a day and never get a break with multiple children. I try and get them settled doing something and I’ll hopefully grab a cuppa. If everyone is a bit fractious I’ll pop the TV on for 10 minutes whilst they have a snack. The 10 minutes can work a charm and everyone feels better afterwards. Because I don’t use it much the children see it as a treat.

KaliforniaDreamz · 20/03/2023 15:17

I've not been a nanny but i have been sahm with a partner who travelled meaning rare downtime and i did get very overwhelmed. Is your charge particularly challenging?
Are you comfortable taking that breather with a cup of tea while the child is safely engaged in cbeebies or whatever? or ru worried your employer would disapprove ? Could you perhaps have a chat with them and explain that in a long day there will be moments you need to regroup and recharge and reassure that you always do that in a safe way ? It is sometimes hard to relax when you feel you might be being watched or judged but nobody should have to be 'on' for 12 hours. Obviously ensuring the child is safe while you take a break.

NumberTheory · 20/03/2023 15:19

I see the issue from the kids’ perspective of having their parents home but unavailable to them. I can see how that could be more distressing to them if they’re still really young and be harder work. Also, you’re mainly an after school nanny, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to say it’s not what you signed up for and you really need some provision during a full day for a break.

But I also think as a mother hiring a nanny I’d be a bit about a request like that. It does seem to indicate less suitability for the role in general. Looking after kids without a break for 12 hours is something almost every mother has done for months on end. I suspect, unless the regular hours you do are hard to fill or you have some skill set that they really want, asking for a break for you will give the parents at least a little cause for concern about their employment of you.

Dodgeitornot · 20/03/2023 15:19

I worked as a nanny and this would also never even cross my mind. What would cross my mind is, this setup is not working for me and I'm going to look for something else.
The child isn't going to calm down after being with their mum or dad for 10 mins, it'll rile them up even more.
You're going to get a lot more understanding if you ask if it's ok to turn the TV on for 15mins tbh.

Miriam101 · 20/03/2023 15:24

Our nanny enforces quiet time after lunch where our DC plays in their room and she sits on the sofa. Can't you ask for something similar?

Babyboomtastic · 20/03/2023 15:28

Isn't working the full day kind of part of the deal with nannying! At least I've never heard of a nanny taking a child free lunch break.

KaliforniaDreamz · 20/03/2023 15:32

Yes it is part of the deal but i think we can support the OP in finding a solution. It could be as simple as finding a comfortable way to grab 10 minutes of peace at some point in the day. If nannying isn't for her then she will still need an exit strategy that will take time!

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