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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny needing break

153 replies

Cousinmuffin · 20/03/2023 14:26

I am an after school nanny so don’t work enough hours during the week to require a break - all fine. Although sometimes I do full days during strikes, half terms, weekends etc. On those days 99% of the time, the parents still are WFH but never offer me a quick 10 minute ‘go for a walk’ breather.

child in is KS1 and struggles on these days knowing their parents are home but not playing with them and as I am so familiar to them, they will often be a lot more challenging in the delivery of these emotions than say they would to their teacher. It’s not often but sometimes I do get overwhelmed and really wish I could step away for a minute. AIBU to think I should be able to do this?

I know in reality I won’t because it feels far too awkward to ask a parent to step off the computer for 10 minutes when the child has been getting more frustrated and pushing boundaries for an hour because at the end of the day it is my job?

A quick mention, I love this child honestly and enjoy my time with them. This is just on full days where they get emotional that parent is home but not able to give them their time.

OP posts:
ladykale · 21/03/2023 00:05

Cousinmuffin · 20/03/2023 20:43

I do wonder if people would expect other professions to not have a break within a 9 hour shift. Or just because it’s childcare I shouldn’t expect the parents to come out on their lunch and relieve me for a bit?

I think it’s also far fetched to suggest I’m in the wrong line of work for wanting 10 minutes out of 9 hours to myself but thanks for replies anyway

Is this specific to the child you look after?

With a pre-school age child they still have naps.

With a primary school child put them in front of the tv for 45 mins while you have your break.

With an older child enforce "quiet time" with 30 mins of quiet reading or drawing when thru can't bother you.

You have to act like WFH parent isn't there. Will only rile up the kid more otherwise

ladykale · 21/03/2023 00:08

Babyimyours · 20/03/2023 23:41

Shocked by some of the employers on this thread.

It is totally reasonable to want a short break (paid!)

You are an employee, but more importantly, you are a human being.

I suggest talking to the parents and if they don’t allow you to have a break find a nicer family. They clearly exist as some are on this thread! It’s an industry sadly replete with unpleasant rich people who neglect to spend enough time with their children. Hopefully they are not like that but I can’t imagine working at home and never coming to see my child for even a few minutes while the nanny has a short breather.

If I employed you, I would give you a break. The entitlement on this thread is unbelievable. And it’s not analogous to being a full-time mother. You are in paid employment and the parents are literally on the premises.

They're working though & if a child is young it causes confusion and tears to randomly appear for 10 mins then leave again.

Issue here is that she isn't a FT nanny, if she was the kid would be on a proper schedule including some downtime or quiet time

ladykale · 21/03/2023 00:13

Tescoland · 20/03/2023 22:35

It really begs the question why parents who employ nannies still work from home.
Are they genuinely unaware of how much nannies hate this?

What a ridiculous question,

Why would someone spend 90 - 120 mins of their day commuting, pay travel costs and wake up earlier / get home later just for their employee's convenience?!

You send up spending more money too as the nanny will be working extra time to cater for the commute too!

Harry12345 · 21/03/2023 00:54

melj1213 · 20/03/2023 23:16

The issue isn't with having a break it's that you want a break where you're totally 100% away from the child which just isn't a standard expectation as a nanny.

Nannying is not like an office job where you get 30 minutes to turn off your computer and physically walk away from the job as you can't just walk away from a child. If the parents are WFH you could ask them if they'd be willing to have lunch with their child so you can have a short "child free break" - maybe offer to prepare lunch for everyone so they can come out, have family lunch and then you take the child out to an activity while they go back to work so that by the time you get back they are out of sight and out of mind?

If that isn't practical then you need to work in periods of natural downtime into the day to allow you a break, which should not be difficult with a KS1 aged child - even babies allow you a decent break with nap times. KS1 is 5-7 and every child I have ever known has been more than capable of entertaining themselves independently for 10-15 minutes by that age. If you're concerned that the parents will think you're slacking off then have a discussion about how you need a break and so after lunch you plan to schedule some TV time/tablet time etc and do they have any restrictions to that (EG 30 mins max, no Peppa Pig, only U rated films etc)

If you need a total break, is there garden space that you can access so that you can leave the child inside colouring/watching TV etc while you take yourself out to the garden to just have a five minutes to yourself? Obviously discuss it with the parents first but I would rather have had a nanny who left my child in the living room watching Moana while they went out in the garden to have some peace and quiet for a few minutes than have a nanny who got to the point of being overwhelmed because they never got a moment to themselves in the day and potentially left me DD in an unsafe situation.

Why not peppa pig?

SkyandSurf · 21/03/2023 02:53

Babyimyours · 20/03/2023 23:41

Shocked by some of the employers on this thread.

It is totally reasonable to want a short break (paid!)

You are an employee, but more importantly, you are a human being.

I suggest talking to the parents and if they don’t allow you to have a break find a nicer family. They clearly exist as some are on this thread! It’s an industry sadly replete with unpleasant rich people who neglect to spend enough time with their children. Hopefully they are not like that but I can’t imagine working at home and never coming to see my child for even a few minutes while the nanny has a short breather.

If I employed you, I would give you a break. The entitlement on this thread is unbelievable. And it’s not analogous to being a full-time mother. You are in paid employment and the parents are literally on the premises.

I think the stereotype that nannies are only employed by 'unpleasant rich people' is inaccurate. I spend a lot of time with my children, and having a nanny enables that. If I didn't have a nanny I'd have to shuffle them off to nursery at the crack of dawn, not see them all day, and then collect them when they we're exhausted and overstimulated at the end of the day.

As it is, I can have a relaxed breakfast with them while they are in their PJs, see them during the day, be on hand if they get sick etc, and I'm back downstairs at 5:05pm, instead of commuting for another hour before doing a nursery run.

WFH parents often do see their children, when it suits their work flow. I can't imagine saying to my boss that I need to carve out a regular 15 minutes so my nanny can have a walk by herself. They would expect the nanny to fit her day in with mine, not the other way around.

I've also been a nanny. It isn't like working shift at a shop, or seeing client after client, or working on a production line- the kind of jobs that quite rightly need a standard break because they don't naturally involve down time.

Being a nanny means you're not always actively engaged with the children. You might be pushing a buggy and able to be alone with your thoughts and enjoy nature then, you can pop on the TV and make a tea while Bluey is on, you can rest while they play with their toys, you can rest while they nap. It is a job that varies in its intensity naturally. You have to take your 'down time' when it presents itself, but it is there.

My nanny watches more of my Netflix than I do while the toddler naps. She does homework for her university course while the older one is happy with his Lego. She gets plenty of breaks and I'm sure she's never thought of me as an 'unpleasant rich person' because I don't interrupt my job to let her wander around my garden alone when it suits her.

NumberTheory · 21/03/2023 03:51

Cousinmuffin · 20/03/2023 20:43

I do wonder if people would expect other professions to not have a break within a 9 hour shift. Or just because it’s childcare I shouldn’t expect the parents to come out on their lunch and relieve me for a bit?

I think it’s also far fetched to suggest I’m in the wrong line of work for wanting 10 minutes out of 9 hours to myself but thanks for replies anyway

It's similar with other solo caring gigs, it's not just children. Domestic help generally is not legally entitled to unpaid breaks. And there are a few other types of jobs where breaks are not a legal requirement or where you can't leave the premises or do exactly as you please even though you're on your break.

With nannying and other solo care, if a proper break was required, it would mean the job would, for the most part, disappear. Most families would have to find some other form of care because there's no reasonable way to provide a the cover that would be needed.

So even though it's possible in your case to provide a break, it isn't seen as standard because there are lots of nanny's managing without one and you should be able to engineer yourself downtime during the day, even if you can't go off where ever you like in that time.

You clearly don't like the response you're getting from most people - that you will be seen as a less attractive nanny if you ask (and especially if you frame it as needed as you're overwhelmed) - but I suspect this is a fairly accurate reflection of how most nanny employers would feel about such a request. So you can keep arguing here about how you think things ought to be, or you can take on board the reality that your employers expectations and yours over this issue are unlikely to match and think about what you want to do about that.

It might be worth it to you to take the risk, but if you can't afford to lose this job, it might not.

SheSaidHummingbird · 21/03/2023 04:06

Cousinmuffin If I were the parent in this situation, and you approached me, I would have no issue with you having a break each day.

D0t · 21/03/2023 04:57

i don’t think it’s the parent’s responsibility to cover a break, however I would inform the parent that you’ll build a couple of half hour tv breaks into the day so that you both get down time.

D0t · 21/03/2023 04:58

It might be that you both need a slower pace with a longer day.

OvertiredandConfused · 21/03/2023 05:22

My daughter is a live-in nanny. Each parent works from home a couple of times a week. She HATES it when they step in for a few minutes. Utterly disrupts the day and confuses the children.

YukoandHiro · 21/03/2023 05:25

YABU. The parent is working. And so are you. It's your job to resolve the boundary issues at those moments so the parent can continue to meet their obligations.

Caspianberg · 21/03/2023 05:45

No a nanny doesn’t get a set break usually. It usually interrupts and can cause more angst if child then doesn’t want parent to leave again after 15mins.
It sounds like the child you look after would find it challenging to only have parent nip in and out for ‘break’, so right now I would avoid

Like others said. Schedule in some ‘quiet time’ I would do this even on shorter days so she gets used to it. Can she have special sticker book she gets whilst you read news 15 mins to relax, or schedule in an episode of a children’s tv show whilst she has a snack? Many children’s tv shows are only 15 mins long, so she’s capped at 1 episode for example. She gets something to calm down, and you get to sit and think.

Also consider scheduling outside activities away from home more if you know the working from home isn’t helpful for child if she knows parents are home. As the weather gets nice you can try and collect from school and do homework and snack in a park for example, then a play in park or scooter to burn off a bit of energy, and you have passed 2hrs easily. And hopefully she’s a little calmer on return home. For 9hr days I would definitely break it up into morning, after lunch and afternoon activity out the house, even if that’s just in the garden or a walk around block.

Autienotnautie · 21/03/2023 05:53

I was a childminder. I had to create my own break , half hour tv after lunch usually worked well. I wouldn't expect your employer to give you a break.

Cocobutt · 21/03/2023 06:10

Just say no to do it if you can’t cope.

If they were working in an office you wouldn’t have a break either.

I’m not sure what 10 mins is going to actually do for you when you can get that whilst they’re running around the park, watching TV or eating their meals.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 21/03/2023 06:14

Cousinmuffin · 20/03/2023 14:43

I’m not necessarily saying I want the parents to take over at the exact moment child is overwhelmed. I more meant that if I had 10 minutes to just refresh myself during the day then it wouldn’t be so challenging after 9 hours alone with child. I can manage it and do. I just suppose I didn’t think I was being unreasonable to just want 10 minutes to myself at some point of my 9/10 hour shift.

You are their childcare, you are there specifically so they CAN work and don't have to step away from the computer. Parents don't just parent for 9 hours it's 24/7, I'm normally very pro many, I don't think you should be expected to work beyond finish times, I don't think you should be expected to do evenings, parents should get home exactly when they say they should, you shouldn't be responsible for housework etc etc. But a single key stage 1 child who can surely be distracted with an activity or play independently for half an hour to let you grab a cup of tea surely shouldn't be a challenge to a professional nanny?

steppingcarefully · 21/03/2023 06:24

I work as a nanny. Yes a 9/10 hour day is tiring but as a nanny this is what I expected when I took on the job. I have plenty of opportunity to sit down with a cup of tea for 5 mins or so when the children are engaged in an activity and don't need my full attention or when out at a group/activity. I know it's not a complete break but the fact I can do this throughout the day keeps me going.

thegirlyupnorth · 21/03/2023 06:26

I think on the full days you could ask that they use 15 mins of their lunch break to give you a break.

rookiemere · 21/03/2023 06:39

thegirlyupnorth · 21/03/2023 06:26

I think on the full days you could ask that they use 15 mins of their lunch break to give you a break.

Parents who can afford a nanny are unlikely to be able to get much of a lunch break. They'll be lucky if they get enough time to grab something to eat, never mind providing lunch breaks for someone whose services they have paid for.

Babyimyours · 21/03/2023 07:12

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lightisnotwhite · 21/03/2023 07:27

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Have to say I agree with @Babyimyours on this post. Also the wafting in and out I makes it harder for everyone (but you). Trying to stop kids disturbing parents is 20 times harder if they know parents are able to come down.
Anyone with a Disney dad type partner understands how difficult it is when the other parent comes in as the be all and end all and then leaves you with the arse end of explaining why they’re off or just not that interested.

Tiggernpoo · 21/03/2023 09:05

Sorry OP….you are being unreasonable. You mainly work after school hours so 3-7:30 at most? Only one child? And occasionally have to do a full day which is what most nannies would do…and you are overwhelmed and need a break? I think it’s probably time to rethink the job as it’s not right for you.

SparkyBlue · 21/03/2023 09:11

OP chat to the parents. If I had good after school care and they were willing to do full days when necessary I'd be so appreciative of that. That would be like gold dust around here. Just say that the full days are very long so I'm sure they would rather come up with a solution than have no childcare.

SkyandSurf · 21/03/2023 11:41

@lightisnotwhite

It would disrupt some children, but my children are accustomed to WFH and we all manage fine. I'm a lawyer and often appear in hearings online, even my toddler knows the office is off limits.

The nanny is much more fun than me anyway!

But if most children are disrupted by parents 'wafting in and out' as you say, then all the more reason for a 10 minute break to be more drama than it's worth.

cheatingcrackers · 21/03/2023 12:45

SkyandSurf · 21/03/2023 11:41

@lightisnotwhite

It would disrupt some children, but my children are accustomed to WFH and we all manage fine. I'm a lawyer and often appear in hearings online, even my toddler knows the office is off limits.

The nanny is much more fun than me anyway!

But if most children are disrupted by parents 'wafting in and out' as you say, then all the more reason for a 10 minute break to be more drama than it's worth.

I think it does disrupt most… my DC really struggled during lockdowns when DH popped in and out to the point where I asked him to text me if he wanted something from the kitchen so I could sneak it up to him in the bedroom where he was working. Chatting with friends they experienced very similar.

I guess it might be different if it’s a long term arrangement like yours, but since this is only an occasional set up for the DC in the OP I suspect it would be disruptive.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 21/03/2023 12:53

cheatingcrackers · 21/03/2023 12:45

I think it does disrupt most… my DC really struggled during lockdowns when DH popped in and out to the point where I asked him to text me if he wanted something from the kitchen so I could sneak it up to him in the bedroom where he was working. Chatting with friends they experienced very similar.

I guess it might be different if it’s a long term arrangement like yours, but since this is only an occasional set up for the DC in the OP I suspect it would be disruptive.

Show quote history

Conversely my kids love dad WFH. While i was on mat leave with my second my husband would pop down, make a coffee, chuck some snacks in for me and our 5 yr old, have a baby cuddle and back to work. And he's very successful at WFH (as opposed to me who gets distracted by everything and is a disaster and delighted to be back f2f working)