He refused to massage my neck

[HolierThanThaaaaou]

So basically I’ve been suffering with bad headaches and back pain. Been to GP who has said it’s tension in the neck and shoulders. He has referred me to physio but also said a neck and shoulder massage on a night would help and he asked if I have someone at home who could do this for me. Without thinking I said “yes, I have a DP”.

I didn’t for one minute think he’d refuse to do this!!

So I got home, told him what GP had said and asked if he’d give me a quick neck massage on the evening. He said no. I thought he was joking at first but no, he meant it, he’s outright refusing to give me a quick neck massage.

As a result I’m refusing to engage in any intimacy. He said I’m being ridiculous and petty, I think he’s being a selfish arsehole.

YABU - he doesn’t have to massage you if he doesn’t want to and you are being petty

YANBU - refusing to give up 5 minutes of your time to help your girlfriend out with a medical issue is cuntish behaviour

What’s his reason for refusing? Surely there must have been a bit more said than just ‘no’?

I find it a bit weird that a physio would suggest someone unskilled in massage should do this for you. You don’t say if you’d partner gives a reason for not wanting to do it but I’d refuse on 2 grounds - I’ve no idea how to massage and when I have tried it it made my hands hurt, so I was clearly doing it wrong. By a tens machine or similar

No reason other than “it’s stupid”

What a selfish little man. Most partners would be happy to help their loved ones if they were in pain.

He's showing you he doesn't really care about you, and he can't be arsed to help you when he could easily do so.

When people show you who they are, listen. And dump his horrible selfish arse.

I think if I was asked to do this I would worry that I wouldn't do it right and make the problem worse. It is a strange thing to ask someone to do each day in my opinion.

It was the Gp who suggested it, not physio. And he didn’t mean a full on professional massage, just a quick rub of the muscles to relieve tension

I agree with this.
My DH has a nerve issue in his back and has a massage gun thing. He occasionally (jokingly) ask me to give him massage but I’m really not comfortable with it as I have zero training or knowledge. What if I actually harm him?? Bit odd that the doctor suggested this is think.

He's being completely selfish - and a 5 minute neck rub is completely different to 'licking someone out' - I'd rub any family
Members neck for 5 minutes to help relieve serious pain... if I didn't help the issue or was 'bad' at it (for those claiming they don't know how to massage) I'd stop of course but I'd give it a go! I may be more squeamish with feet but neck?! A little neck rub or even a back massage is a lovely way to bond with a partner so him refusing to do it even for this specific reason is incredibly selfish!

I find it weird the GP said that too.
A bit invasive to be honest.
If my partner came home and told me the doctor said I had to massage his neck every day I'm not sure I'd be thrilled.

If he was concerned he might harm OP or make things worse, then he can say that. Saying ‘it’s stupid’ doesn’t really support that thinking.

I’m a bit on the fence though. DP has helped with massages for tension headaches for me before and it has made a difference. But a GP isn’t an expect in musculoskeletal and I’d probably want further advice from the physio first.

Same. Fuck that.

You'll relieve even more tension if you get rid of the prick.

Good grief how selfish!! When my children were living at home they would spend hours massaging my neck and head when I had a migraine.

Those people saying they 'wouldn't know how to do it' ffs!! It's hardly rocket science! You just ask the person what works for them and rub 🤦‍♀️ Jesus!!

Same, if its bad enough to need professional intervention, not just a wee.'relax' rub, I'd be anxious about aggravating whatevers wrong!

Good Lord. My DH gives me a foot massage every single day of I ask him to. Yesterday I had Three! And then a back and shoulder massage when we went to bed. My haha loves touching my body, as I do his. I'd be really upset if he just blanket "no"-d me and yet still expected sex. Does he not do any forplay? Or are you just a hole to him?

Did you say no to sex because you didn’t give me a massage or did you say no because my neck hurts?

Yeah I'd find it weird a gp had asked if you had someone at home to massage your neck. If my partner came home with that story I'd be raising my eyebrows tbh.

Im torn on this one! I used to have a partner who was always asking for a massage, i used to refuse most of the time because its extremely boring and made my hands ache! However if it was for a " medical" reason I would probably try and do it at least once or twice.

I completely agree with this.

And withholding sex as a punishment is worse than 'petty'.

I wonder why he thinks that it’s stupid.
I wouldn’t refuse to massage my DH, I do it sometimes and he does mine. However I have got back and neck problems and in the past I felt worse after massage a few times. Now I only go for specific things recommended by physio.

What would GP do if you said that you lived alone? Do they give away prescriptions for massage partners nowadays?

I find you and other people relating a neck massage to foreplay and sex really odd.
If my husband told me the GP said I needed to massage his neck I’d be inclined to say no too, and I’d agree with the OPs husband that it is stupid. The GP’s diagnosis for migraine and back pain being due to neck and shoulder tension needs specialist attention no a quick rub from the OP’s husband. Of course a referral to physio is sensible if the GP suspects the cause is muscular, but to suggest the OP ask someone for regular massages to help her migraines and back pain is silly, frankly. You’ve no idea until you’ve seen the physio what is actually causing the pain! The GP would have been better to guide the OP to some simple stretching exercises while they await their physio referral.

A stiff neck and shoulders is often caused by constantly feeling tense.

I think I know the cause of your tension.

Not a chance I would massage the neck of someone in so much discomfort they went to the doctor about it.

And pretty baffling, imo, that the doctor suggested it. I agree with your partner that it’s stupid.

You can really harm someone with bad/wrongly done massage.

And withholding sex as punishment for not wanting to do something? That would be a relationship ender for me - I don’t do blackmail or petty games.

I think it’s mean of your DP, my DH would be happy to help and often massages my restless legs and arthritic knees. Perhaps get a shiatsu massager, they are quite good?