He refused to massage my neck

[HolierThanThaaaaou]

So basically I’ve been suffering with bad headaches and back pain. Been to GP who has said it’s tension in the neck and shoulders. He has referred me to physio but also said a neck and shoulder massage on a night would help and he asked if I have someone at home who could do this for me. Without thinking I said “yes, I have a DP”.

I didn’t for one minute think he’d refuse to do this!!

So I got home, told him what GP had said and asked if he’d give me a quick neck massage on the evening. He said no. I thought he was joking at first but no, he meant it, he’s outright refusing to give me a quick neck massage.

As a result I’m refusing to engage in any intimacy. He said I’m being ridiculous and petty, I think he’s being a selfish arsehole.

YABU - he doesn’t have to massage you if he doesn’t want to and you are being petty

YANBU - refusing to give up 5 minutes of your time to help your girlfriend out with a medical issue is cuntish behaviour

It’s not “all over the place” to ask how posters feeling squeamish and “gross” about being asked to massage their partner’s shoulders would react to a partner that had a more serious injury or illness?

What I was pointing out is that if a you’re squeamish about something so basic, heaven help your partner if they actually needed to rely on you for some care.

Youre right though, it is ridiculous that some people are siding with the man here and telling op she shouldn’t ask him for some care.

I think he is selfish and immature

If you've needed to see a GP due to Headaches and back pain, your partner will have little effect. GPs aren't great with MSK issues and that NHS physio will give you exercises to do, which will provide no relief.

See a professional therapist.

Jesus, what a twat.

A few years ago DH had a cyst on his back - it had been harmless for years but then became infected. He went to the GP but I then ended up cleaning and dressing it every day for two or three weeks, so became his Dr Pimple Popper as he couldn't reach it himself, and it was rather foul to say the least although I enjoyed it in a way. 😆

That's the sort of thing you do for a loved one though isn't it? It's just a massage, you aren't asking him to donate a kidney.

The Gp hasn’t referred op for physio though so he clearly thinks it’s not necessary.
Tension headaches caused by tense muscles in the neck and shoulders sounds like the correct diagnosis.

He’s advised self care at home and a 5 minute shoulder rub in the evening if op has someone at home who would oblige.

A lot of people don’t have the money for private physiotherapy every time they have a migraine or tensed up shoulders after a day hunched over a computer (for eg)

It’s being presented here as the first and only solution when relaxing in the evening after a 5 minute massage at home and a pleasant atmosphere would probably fix it.

The GP has referred op for physio.

I'm astonished by some of these responses.

It's a shoulder rub to make the person you love feel more comfortable, not some sort of major medical intervention.

Completely reasonable for the GP to suggest it, and this man is behaving like a twat.

As for the posters admonishing the OP for not having sex with her partner (when she's in pain and pissed off), I'd probably be banned for saying what I think of you 🤬

Fair point 😂

However, (to dig myself out a hole..)
my point remains that most can’t afford private physio at around £50 a session (in my area).
I have a badly herniated disc, debilitating sciatica and the waiting list for physio is 20 weeks here.

Trying massage at home or asking a partner to help (in the meantime) seems like an absolute no brainier to me. I’d do that for a partner without hesitation.

Exactly.

Having sex is far more intimate and potentially awkward that a shoulder rub. Honestly how precious are some people? Selfish too, if you can't put a bit of minor discomfort aside to help your partner who is in pain.

I certainly wouldnt mind rubbing my partners shoulders, it would be the GP 'prescribing' me that would piss me off if that makes sense.

I think this thread, and many of the posters adversity to a bit of sensible self help for medically diagnosed muscle tension ‘in case it causes damage!’ may go some way to explain- at least in part- the current NHS waiting times 🤦‍♂️

Oh give over. 😄

It was a helpful suggestion from the GP, that's all. What a strange thing to get hung up about.

@IntheJingelyJangelyJungle Yes probably!
I’m trying to understand why posters would be so hesitant to help a partner with a minor physical complaint?

Maybe some form of health anxiety, an ignorance of how the body works or phobia of all things medical,? or just believing that being kind is a weakness somehow, it means you don’t have “boundaries “ ? We should only care about our own feelings?
Theres an abundance of credible health information online so no one has to feel scared of a little at home care for minor injuries.

I find it quite depressing

He's unreasonable. I'd understand if he'd tried it and it made you feel worse or if it hurt his hands, for example - but just to point blank refuse and say "no" is pathetic. I don't necessarily love the retaliatory nature of "well no sex for you then" but I totally see why you're doing it.

Some of these replies, christ. You'd think touching someone for a few minutes a day in a non-sexual context was the biggest undertaking of their lives!

Also the attitude in the thread towards "I don't think it's appropriate for a doctor to suggest that" is a big part of why the NHS is fucked as it is. It's not always necessary to see a professional for a sore neck and the doctor's job is to make a judgement as to whether it's necessary or not. If more people listened to medical advice rather than immediately thinking they know better things would improve!

People not wanted to massage their partner’s neck isn’t the reason the NHS is collapsing.
The OP doesn’t just have a sore neck, she’s having migraines and back pain. The GP rightly referred her for physio.

No, it explains the opposite. Why it takes years to get properly diagnosed for real issues because people listen to stupid GP advice like “let an untrained partner massage you” instead of the physio he prescribed.

I don't love the idea of being told to massage a DP's neck daily, but for context my DH has spondylitis with degeneration in his cervical vertebrae.

On the other hand as an HCP it sounds like it could possibly have been a bit of a throw away comment by the GP to get the OP out of the consulting room. Not wrong as such, but perhaps not thought through and a suggestion rather than an instruction?

It is hard to refer someone for something like physio that is likely to be helpful but then have to admit the referral will probably take weeks to months. The NHS really isn't working right now, and i'm reluctant to criticise the advice.

As far your relationship though OP is this really about the neck massage? If you feel let down generally, that's a different issue.

'Medical neck massage' 🙄

A bit of a rub, that might relax the muscles and help OP feel better, is hardly some massive procedure.

She has been referred by physio, however there are many factors that can contribute to the pain felt by OP.

Facet impingement or irritation of the cervical vertebrae, causea muscle guarding and a higher muscle resting tone, leading to irritation of the sub occipital nerve group. As does a compression of the CDJ joint, caused by poor posture. OP needs a professional, not her partner to rub her neck every night because the GP said so.

Do people really not get that massages can be dangerous? It’s so bizarre that posters are so blase.

www.thequint.com/amp/story/fit/neck-massage-leading-to-stroke-2

YABU

It would be ideal to access the physio op has been referred to. However, do people actually realise how impossible that is?

For context, I have a suspected herniated disc and severe sciatica (no MRI available on the NHS for this) and have been unable to walk without dragging my numb leg behind me and unable to work (self employed) My wait for NHS physio is 20 weeks! I’ll likely be better by then.

Ive taken matters into my own hands and have been doing gentle stretches and exercises found online- dh has kindly helped with some careful massage.
If I had sat waiting for NHS physio I’d never get better.

I mean everything has some risk attached- even energetic sex 😂
surprised people are so risk averse to a shoulder rub. Safe methods can be researched online to do at home if need be.

I think it's bad that he (and some pp on here ) expect you to give him sex when you are in pain.
And if I asked my DH for a neck/foot/ back rub because I'm tense and he said no damn right I'm gonna be too tense for sex!