Page 3 | He refused to massage my neck

HolierThanThaaaaou · 2023-03-20T08:43:33+00:00

So basically I’ve been suffering with bad headaches and back pain. Been to GP who has said it’s tension in the neck and shoulders. He has referred me to physio but also said a neck and shoulder massage on a night would help and he asked if I have someone at home who could do this for me. Without thinking I said “yes, I have a DP”. I didn’t for one minute think he’d refuse to do this!! So I got home, told him what GP had said and asked if he’d give me a quick neck massage on the evening. He said no. I thought he was joking at first but no, he meant it, he’s outright refusing to give me a quick neck massage. As a result I’m refusing to engage in any intimacy. He said I’m being ridiculous and petty, I think he’s being a selfish arsehole. YABU - he doesn’t have to massage you if he doesn’t want to and you are being petty YANBU - refusing to give up 5 minutes of your time to help your girlfriend out with a medical issue is cuntish behaviour

knittingaddict · 20/03/2023 09:41

Havanaclubber · 20/03/2023 08:46

I find it a bit weird that a physio would suggest someone unskilled in massage should do this for you. You don’t say if you’d partner gives a reason for not wanting to do it but I’d refuse on 2 grounds - I’ve no idea how to massage and when I have tried it it made my hands hurt, so I was clearly doing it wrong. By a tens machine or similar

I agree with this.

I don't have a clue how to give a neck massage. Honestly the best I could hope for is not to do any damage. Spines are not to be messed with and require a properly trained person to go anywhere near them. Your partner is perfectly within his rights (and very sensible) to say no to this.

InsertMoniker · 20/03/2023 09:42

People with high or very low blood pressure are susceptible to fainting when standing for long periods

Well she was sitting down and he was standing behind her. But I take on board what you say.

ehb102 · 20/03/2023 09:44

Good gracious. Don't have children or get very unwell whilst with this man. Imagine how he's going to be if you need actual serious help.

InsertMoniker · 20/03/2023 09:44

A gentle shoulder rub is about as dangerous as rubbing sun cream on a partner’s back

I agree. I thought we were talking about neck massage.

ChristmasRoses · 20/03/2023 09:46

Get a massage gun and a new boyfriend.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 20/03/2023 09:47

IntheJingelyJangelyJungle · 20/03/2023 09:35

I can envisage how the chat with the GP went: they likely identified tension or spasm in traps (which is absolutely an incredibly common cause of headache- sometimes very intrusive headaches).

They suggest some physio to teach stretches but there is a waiting list (unless someone pays for private).

GP will have suggested some tips which might help in interim… because they don’t have a magic wand in their drawer.

IMO it would be perfectly reasonable for Doc to say ‘if you have someone at home to give those muscles a rub it might help’. It’s unlikely they said ‘go home and tell your partner you need a daily massage’. I doubt the doctor was prescribing deep fascial release manouvers by Joe soap.

As for being ‘afraid’ of rubbing a partners neck/ shoulders (after they have seen a doctor about it- who is presumably happy there is nothing neurological going on)… really?

OP. Yes, I’d be pretty pissed off and when I’m pissed off with my partner I don’t want to have sex with them. It’s not a ‘transactional’ thing or petty. In fact anyone who calls you petty because you are not having sex with your partner for ANY reason should maybe have a think about why they feel that way.

Finally (and more constructively than my rant 🥴), these are cheap and really great for tight trapezius muscles:

www.amazon.co.uk/Fitness-Mad-Trigger-Massage-Multicolour/dp/B00BJJZN94/ref=asc_df_B00BJJZN94/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309954605419&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4702504716074748699&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006839&hvtargid=pla-655053147584&psc=1

You can self massage by positioning a ball between your upper back/ shoulders and a wall, and then do what I call ‘Balloo the Bear Dance’. When you find the points where it hurts the most you apply as much pressure as you can reasonably tolerate by leaning back into the ball… roll the ball back and forwards over the trigger point (sorest spot) for a few minutes. I actually prefer this to someone aimlessly rubbing my shoulders as it gives me full control of pressure to the sore spasmed muscles. Done a couple of times a day, this can really help over a week or two.

The other thing that can help symptoms (anecdotally- happy to admit this has no evidence base) is ibuprofen gel with menthol. Provided of course you don’t have an allergy to NSAIDS. And your DP will concede to offering 30seconds to rub it on your upper back.

I hope you get some relief soon xx

I find both those helpful too. These are also good.

www.amazon.co.uk/Sokiss-Trigger-Point-Therapy-Massage/dp/B07C75SPFB/re lbf=mpsa13?crid=16H2CVH34MMNK&keywords=thera%2Bcane%2Bmassager&qid=1679305021&sprefix=thera%2Bca%2Caps%2C464&sr=8-3&th=1&psc=1
I actually find doing it myself with something like this better, because you can feel the effect on your body. Electric or wheat heat bags can be good too.

UdoU · 20/03/2023 09:47

CaroleSinger · 20/03/2023 09:32

How is weaponising sex petty? Hmmmm let me think....

if a man refused to give his gf intimacy because she wouldn't massage his neck you'd be telling her to tell him to fuck off. ....

Show quote history

if a man refused to give his gf intimacy because she wouldn't massage his neck you'd be telling her to tell him to fuck off. ....

No, I wouldn't Buy a clue.

Sirzy · 20/03/2023 09:48

I wouldnt be comfy doing it in a “medical” way.

BellePeppa · 20/03/2023 09:49

Tbh I wouldn’t want to do this every day. I don’t like giving things like massages or foot rubs, it’s just something I don’t like doing but then I’m not in a relationship so can’t say how I’d feel about someone I loved. I’d help my kids though if they needed it for medical reasons, no hesitation there.

UdoU · 20/03/2023 09:49

SmileyClare · 20/03/2023 09:30

How pathetic that people won’t do these basic things (for someone they love)

Agree! I’m really baffled by some of these responses.

A gp suggesting a gentle neck massage ( if you have someone you can ask ) is sound advice. That’s the advice on the NHS website for tension headache/shoulder tension.

He clearly didn’t think expensive treatments necessary.

Agree, all these faux naive 'oh i would be afraid to do damage' are so transparent. The message to women is meet his needs but yours are important.

UdoU · 20/03/2023 09:49

*unimportant

SmileyClare · 20/03/2023 09:49

InsertMoniker · 20/03/2023 09:42

People with high or very low blood pressure are susceptible to fainting when standing for long periods

Well she was sitting down and he was standing behind her. But I take on board what you say.

It does sound a bit like an opening scene to Midsummer Murders to be fair 😧 I hope his wife got off the boat in one piece and he didn’t attempt “massaging” her neck in the night!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 20/03/2023 09:50

Your DP sounds incredibly mean to not want to help you out with a 5 min shoulder rub. Sorry OP but mine often helps with my sore back and leg muscles.

Poshjock · 20/03/2023 09:52

IntheJingelyJangelyJungle · 20/03/2023 09:35

I can envisage how the chat with the GP went: they likely identified tension or spasm in traps (which is absolutely an incredibly common cause of headache- sometimes very intrusive headaches).

They suggest some physio to teach stretches but there is a waiting list (unless someone pays for private).

GP will have suggested some tips which might help in interim… because they don’t have a magic wand in their drawer.

IMO it would be perfectly reasonable for Doc to say ‘if you have someone at home to give those muscles a rub it might help’. It’s unlikely they said ‘go home and tell your partner you need a daily massage’. I doubt the doctor was prescribing deep fascial release manouvers by Joe soap.

As for being ‘afraid’ of rubbing a partners neck/ shoulders (after they have seen a doctor about it- who is presumably happy there is nothing neurological going on)… really?

OP. Yes, I’d be pretty pissed off and when I’m pissed off with my partner I don’t want to have sex with them. It’s not a ‘transactional’ thing or petty. In fact anyone who calls you petty because you are not having sex with your partner for ANY reason should maybe have a think about why they feel that way.

Finally (and more constructively than my rant 🥴), these are cheap and really great for tight trapezius muscles:

www.amazon.co.uk/Fitness-Mad-Trigger-Massage-Multicolour/dp/B00BJJZN94/ref=asc_df_B00BJJZN94/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309954605419&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4702504716074748699&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006839&hvtargid=pla-655053147584&psc=1

You can self massage by positioning a ball between your upper back/ shoulders and a wall, and then do what I call ‘Balloo the Bear Dance’. When you find the points where it hurts the most you apply as much pressure as you can reasonably tolerate by leaning back into the ball… roll the ball back and forwards over the trigger point (sorest spot) for a few minutes. I actually prefer this to someone aimlessly rubbing my shoulders as it gives me full control of pressure to the sore spasmed muscles. Done a couple of times a day, this can really help over a week or two.

The other thing that can help symptoms (anecdotally- happy to admit this has no evidence base) is ibuprofen gel with menthol. Provided of course you don’t have an allergy to NSAIDS. And your DP will concede to offering 30seconds to rub it on your upper back.

I hope you get some relief soon xx

In the time I wrote out a reply, you'd posted this. and thank you - I thought I was going mad reading some of these replies - I work in an occupational and health and safety role in an industrial setting and this is all advice I have given out regularly. Completely sensible advice from the GP and some very weird over-reactions here.

I imagine if the BF said I'm sorry I really don't feel comfortable doing that the OP would not have an issue. I'm guessing he made her feel bad in the way he said it, so I imagine her reaction is to his attitude rather than his actions.

OP - I second everything in the quote - self massage to this area is entirely possible and reasonably effective and a tennis ball or similar against a wall works well too. Look at how you sleep at night, pillows or arm position may be a contributory factor. Posture (especially sitting) is a very likely culprit for this. Find out what is causing the strain on your shoulders and make changes.

LlynTegid · 20/03/2023 09:52

I am with your DP, providing he had explained why and been sympathetic. I have no skills in massage and have always politely declined if someone has requested it.

noimaginationforausername · 20/03/2023 09:53

Omg are you me?! I have an ongoing neck issue which means it sometimes just gets really tight and has to be loosened before is spasms and locks up completely.. I literally have to beg my husband to rub it for me and 90% of the time he'll say no! He just hates doing it, he offers to pay for a massage but at the same time he knows I hate stuff like that. It would take him 10 bloody minutes, selfish arseholes. 😡

noimaginationforausername · 20/03/2023 09:54

Oh and my gp suggested getting someone at home to give my neck a quick rub now and again so I don't think that's weird at all.

Fluffleupagus · 20/03/2023 10:01

I have really bad neck / shoulder issues and only ask DH to help if I know there's a particular point that just needs a bit of a quick knead to release it. I know he doesn't particularly like doing it so I only ask if it's really needed. Other than that for me it's daily exercises, chiropractor once a week and massage once a month. He will happily run me a hot bath, make a hot water bottle or ice pack to go on it, go to Tesco for ibuprofen if I need it but I think he'd be uncomfortable with me demanding he rub my neck every night it would feel a bit odd for us both I think.

So I don't think your DP is unreasonable not to want to do it, but his response could gave been kinder!

Laurdo · 20/03/2023 10:03

I've never understood why people withhold sex out of spite. Personally I'd never punish myself like that. 🤣

I get if someone's pissed you off and you don't feel that desire is there to have sex but to deliberately decide not to as a punishment to the other is extremely petty.

My DH has been talking about getting the snip for 2 years now but hasn't actually done anything about it. I've had several people suggest I just refuse sex until he does but honestly, I wouldn't last more than a few days. It's something I would never do. It just feels wrong and implies that sex is a reward for good behaviour rather than something enjoyed by two people, a way of bonding and expressing your love.

I don't think you can call DP a cunt for not massaging your neck. I know mine wouldn't hesitate if he thought it would help me. I give him massages quite regularly when he's sore after working, but it's never expected and if I said I couldn't be bothered or whatever he wouldn't think anything of it. Like others have said, maybe he has his reasons but regardless you've asked for a favour and it's his choice whether to do it or not.

palelavender · 20/03/2023 10:04

I get vertigo when I'm stressed and my neck muscles get tense. I have had professional physio. I have had my husband copy the same massage. It never occurred to me that anybody would refuse to give somebody a neck massage.

OnlyFannys · 20/03/2023 10:07

I've been suffering with back and neck pain so my DP spent time researching how to give me the most effective massage for my kind of pain and massages me every night. I wouldnt have expected this from him but he doesnt want to see me in pain and is the kind of man who looks to find solutions when I have problems.

SmileyClare · 20/03/2023 10:08

I wouldn’t know what I was doing!
You can’t mess around with the spine

If only there was some way of looking up “gentle shoulder massage techniques” online

We’re talking about rubbing the muscles supporting the neck and shoulders. There wouldn’t be any spine manipulation.

Mortimercat · 20/03/2023 10:13

HolierThanThaaaaou · 20/03/2023 08:47

No reason other than “it’s stupid”

Show quote history

It is stupid. It was stupid to suggest that somebody with no training in massage would be naturally skilled enough to help with a medical issue.

I think it is a bit much to insist that a partner provide a daily massage. I also think it is weird that you are refusing sex in retaliation, as if sex is purely for him not a mutual thing and a reward for him behaving as you would like.

MarieRoseMarie · 20/03/2023 10:13

There’s something weird and helpless about needing a daily massage from a partner. It feels like being a carer to someone. I wouldn’t do it and I’d be weirded out by someone asking.

A one-off, sure. But daily massages for someone is just gross. And the poster who said her children spend “hours” massaging her - that sounds abusive.

Dinopawus · 20/03/2023 10:17

Felicity42 · 20/03/2023 08:53

I find it weird the GP said that too.
A bit invasive to be honest.
If my partner came home and told me the doctor said I had to massage his neck every day I'm not sure I'd be thrilled.

Yeah, me too. DH has neck issues and I don't like massaging it as I worry about causing damage.

Being ordered to do it nightly by a GP doesn't sit well with me either.