He refused to massage my neck

[HolierThanThaaaaou]

So basically I’ve been suffering with bad headaches and back pain. Been to GP who has said it’s tension in the neck and shoulders. He has referred me to physio but also said a neck and shoulder massage on a night would help and he asked if I have someone at home who could do this for me. Without thinking I said “yes, I have a DP”.

I didn’t for one minute think he’d refuse to do this!!

So I got home, told him what GP had said and asked if he’d give me a quick neck massage on the evening. He said no. I thought he was joking at first but no, he meant it, he’s outright refusing to give me a quick neck massage.

As a result I’m refusing to engage in any intimacy. He said I’m being ridiculous and petty, I think he’s being a selfish arsehole.

YABU - he doesn’t have to massage you if he doesn’t want to and you are being petty

YANBU - refusing to give up 5 minutes of your time to help your girlfriend out with a medical issue is cuntish behaviour

I second this.

Its one thing for him to try and say it hurts his hands and won't do it again, versus "its stupid". I think you have other problems here tbh.

This x1000000000

What damage do people think they might do by massaging the shoulders of a person with a tension migraine?

You could gently rub a bit of cream in, offer a hot water bottle or a least show some concern?

Its not “petty games” to not feel like being intimate with a partner who has just been so dismissive.

Now he’s sulking because you won’t give him a dick massage 😂

Hmmm some people really hate giving massages, so if he didn't want to do it he could have been a bit kinder saying no and also maybe if he'd given you a crap one you wouldn't want to ask again 😂 I would secretly do this to not offend you and also get me out of doing it!

As a side note I get awful tension headaches and I find the warm beanbag things you stick in the microwave for couple mins around my neck before bed and when I wake in the mornings really helps. I leave it on to warm all the muscles up and then do some stretching. Looking up/down ear to ear etc. it honestly has helped. Also what are you pillows like? As sometimes it too high or hard and that lifts your head where the oxygenated blood sometimes doesn't get to your head as easy and can cause headaches Anyway I've been no help with the is he being unreasonable but just thought might be worth a go if you haven't tried.

Elemis also do a muscle soak which is so good. Leaves your body tingly but does seem to ease aches too. Good luck! X

I mean if my DH told me the GP had suggested a daily massage from me I'd be laughing! What a weird thing for the GP to suggest. What happens to people with no one at home - do they suffer?

I hate giving massages and would just buy DH one of those neck and shoulder massage pads from Amazon, have a look and you can grab one!

Tbh I think refusing to engage in any intimacy because he won't give you a neck massage every night is just so petty.

YANBU. As well as refusing intimacy I’d also stop doing any extras like cooking for him, washing his clothes et. Obviously doesn’t apply if housework etc is shared 50/50 but I bet you do more for him than he does for you.

I'd be booking myself a professional massage instead if I could afford.

How is it petty? Why are his needs more important than hers?

I massage my elderly mums shoulder and neck and knees every week, I do it because I love her.

How pathetic that people won’t do these basic thinks for people they supposedly love.

I’d feel very uncomfortable massaging someone for a medical reason when I have no training or experience in massage. Rubbing someone to feel nice? Sure thing. Performing something that could go either way? Very, very uncomfortable. Could I actually do substantial damage by massaging? I don’t know - because I have no experience in massage.

Also, sex isn’t a currency to make someone do what you want.

Which is pretty much your reason for rejecting any intimacy too. If you won't do this for me, I won't do that for you.

How pathetic that people won’t do these basic things (for someone they love)

Agree! I’m really baffled by some of these responses.

A gp suggesting a gentle neck massage ( if you have someone you can ask ) is sound advice. That’s the advice on the NHS website for tension headache/shoulder tension.

He clearly didn’t think expensive treatments necessary.

A few years ago on a river cruise, a man was standing behind his wife massaging her neck. Next minute she was collapsed unconscious and was taken off to hospital. They returned a couple of days later and she was ok, but they explained
that he'd pressed to hard in the wrong place which had resulted in her collapse.
(Sorry, short on detail but obviously didn't know them well enough for a detailed explanation) He was told leave off with the neck massages in future, which should only be done by a trained professional. I accept it's a pretty rare occurrence, but for this reason I'd refuse to either give or receive a neck massage.

I'm not al all confident in my massaging skills. I do occasionally give one to DP if she asks but I'd probably not if there was anything actually wrong, I'd be too concerned about doing damage.

If a man came home saying the doctor has said he needs a daily massage then I think everyone on here would be a bit “oh aye” and rising eyebrows.

Even if he did say that, massaging someone hurts if you’re not used to doing it - not talking “massage” like rubbing oil on them, actually getting into the muscle. I can understand why he doesn’t want to commit to a daily massage. Buy a massager on Amazon or see a professional.

On top of that, I can understand why someone might be concerned about doing a massage when they could injure you or make your symptoms worse.

Withholding sex is petty. He’s got valid reasons to say no and you have alternative options. Your reason for saying no to him is just because he won’t do what you say - and that’s pretty controlling. Not to mention, if he’s any good then you’re punishing yourself.

He is entitled to say no to rubbing your neck. You are entitled to turn down his sexual advances. Neither of you needs to do anything for one another but that doesn't sound like a loving partnership to me.

I get bad neck and shoulder tension that gives me a bad head. It's caused by sitting in front of a screen all day being grumpy! If someone with warm hands will just put those on my shoulders and use thumbs to gently roll over the muscles it will release the tension. The same with a gentle rub up my neck. It takes 5 minutes and it makes a huge difference. MY 12 year old does it for me, or my Dad or my partner if he is around. None of them has ever said no, 5 minutes of their time makes my evening much more pleasant.

I wouldn't fancy sex if I had a stinking headache... just saying!

How is weaponising sex petty? Hmmmm let me think....

if a man refused to give his gf intimacy because she wouldn't massage his neck you'd be telling her to tell him to fuck off. ....

Find a professional qualified person go do the massage not a person who has no idea of what they are doing

I can envisage how the chat with the GP went: they likely identified tension or spasm in traps (which is absolutely an incredibly common cause of headache- sometimes very intrusive headaches).

They suggest some physio to teach stretches but there is a waiting list (unless someone pays for private).

GP will have suggested some tips which might help in interim… because they don’t have a magic wand in their drawer.

IMO it would be perfectly reasonable for Doc to say ‘if you have someone at home to give those muscles a rub it might help’. It’s unlikely they said ‘go home and tell your partner you need a daily massage’. I doubt the doctor was prescribing deep fascial release manouvers by Joe soap.

As for being ‘afraid’ of rubbing a partners neck/ shoulders (after they have seen a doctor about it- who is presumably happy there is nothing neurological going on)… really?

OP. Yes, I’d be pretty pissed off and when I’m pissed off with my partner I don’t want to have sex with them. It’s not a ‘transactional’ thing or petty. In fact anyone who calls you petty because you are not having sex with your partner for ANY reason should maybe have a think about why they feel that way.

Finally (and more constructively than my rant 🥴), these are cheap and really great for tight trapezius muscles:

www.amazon.co.uk/Fitness-Mad-Trigger-Massage-Multicolour/dp/B00BJJZN94/ref=asc_df_B00BJJZN94/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309954605419&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4702504716074748699&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006839&hvtargid=pla-655053147584&psc=1

You can self massage by positioning a ball between your upper back/ shoulders and a wall, and then do what I call ‘Balloo the Bear Dance’. When you find the points where it hurts the most you apply as much pressure as you can reasonably tolerate by leaning back into the ball… roll the ball back and forwards over the trigger point (sorest spot) for a few minutes. I actually prefer this to someone aimlessly rubbing my shoulders as it gives me full control of pressure to the sore spasmed muscles. Done a couple of times a day, this can really help over a week or two.

The other thing that can help symptoms (anecdotally- happy to admit this has no evidence base) is ibuprofen gel with menthol. Provided of course you don’t have an allergy to NSAIDS. And your DP will concede to offering 30seconds to rub it on your upper back.

I hope you get some relief soon xx

When I was having physio due to neck and back pain from whiplash, the physio categorically told me not to let DP massage it as it needed a really specific movement in certain places to free it up. Seems very strange that the GP recommended this as it can make the pain worse if it's done wrong. It was agony when she was doing it, let alone if DP was doing it without a clue what he was meant to be doing

OP, accupuncture is fantastic for helping with headaches.

Could you borrow a Tens machine?

They are surprisingly good for headaches and shoulder tension.

That's not a nice partner.

Think long and hard about the type of person he is and for goodness sake don't rush into having children with him.

That’s the advice on the NHS website for tension headache/shoulder tension

I took that to mean massage from a professional.

Another one who thinks it’s a very odd thing for the GP to recommend. My DH would do it for me but he’s gives a good massage.

OTOH, my mum did my neck once and managed to trap a nerve so I’d be wary of asking her. I’m equally as crap at them - DH likens them to repeated skin burns 🤣

if a man refused to give his gf intimacy because she wouldn't massage his neck you'd be telling her to tell him to fuck off.

Spot on. Usual Mumsnet double standards at play.

next minute she collapsed unconscious

If you apply hard pressure to the carotid artery in a person’s neck for a minimum of around 8 seconds you can stop blood flow to the brain and cause a faint.
Id be surprised if you could perform this combat manoeuvre and pass it off as massaging your wife’s neck.

People with high or very low blood pressure are susceptible to fainting when standing for long periods.

A gentle shoulder rub is about as dangerous as rubbing sun cream on a partner’s back.

He’s being an arse. Although I would want one in return, even if I didn’t have neck pain!