He refused to massage my neck

[HolierThanThaaaaou]

So basically I’ve been suffering with bad headaches and back pain. Been to GP who has said it’s tension in the neck and shoulders. He has referred me to physio but also said a neck and shoulder massage on a night would help and he asked if I have someone at home who could do this for me. Without thinking I said “yes, I have a DP”.

I didn’t for one minute think he’d refuse to do this!!

So I got home, told him what GP had said and asked if he’d give me a quick neck massage on the evening. He said no. I thought he was joking at first but no, he meant it, he’s outright refusing to give me a quick neck massage.

As a result I’m refusing to engage in any intimacy. He said I’m being ridiculous and petty, I think he’s being a selfish arsehole.

YABU - he doesn’t have to massage you if he doesn’t want to and you are being petty

YANBU - refusing to give up 5 minutes of your time to help your girlfriend out with a medical issue is cuntish behaviour

Personally i don't like giving massages, i've no clue what i'm doing and my hands ache. If it were me i'd be buying something like this: www.amazon.co.uk/Massager-Shiatsu-Shoulder-Tissue-Kneading/dp/B0986Z94VZ/ref=asc_df_B0986Z94VZ/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=534857542988&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3127287625587206367&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007266&hvtargid=pla-1437962765884&psc=1

A one-off, sure. But daily massages for someone is just gross. And the poster who said her children spend “hours” massaging her - that sounds abusive.

Im glad I'm not the only one who thought that.

Yep agree
this just doesn’t ring true that a qualified medical professional would have said this
untrained massage can do more harm than good. If OPs partner hasn’t done it before, and she is in pain , I really don’t understand why you’d be a Guinea pig with someone learning how to do it in those circumstances

This. A neck message can be very dangerous if done incorrectly. Just book yourself a professional massage with someone who knows what they're doing.

I immediately thought that too. My mother used to make me massage her feet every evening, I definitely did not enjoy doing it. I have always considered my parents as abusive and this was one of the milder issues.

I think you’re being disingenuous

she’s gone to GP for this issue - clearly she’s in considerable pain in her spine. Personally letting anyone near a spine/back issue before you’ve been to a physio and been told appropriate massage methods/places and other exercises could do way more harm than good. And even more harm if someone has never given a massage before and doesn’t know appropriate movements and pressure.

whilst you are talking about muscular “soreness” in legs and back which will respond to some massage, and have a husband who will provide some massage as he doesnt mind or even likes doing it, and it works for you , it doesn’t make her husband a bad husband for refusing.

Jesus. Let’s hope your partner never has an injury or illness that requires your assistance.

Dh fell off a roof 18 months ago - broke his pelvis and arm- and it was on me to care for him at home. Including wiping his arse and massaging his leg’s daily. Never once did I refuse because “ew gross” I wanted to do it.

I recently slipped a disc and my now recovered dh has been fetching hot water bottles, putting my socks on and rubbing my back when it’s in spasm.

I find that comment really immature.

You think Children massaging their Mother for hours is normal?

No I think saying “asking someone for daily massages is gross” was an immature comment.
Particularly in reference to a partner or spouse.

People can do what they like with their partners, you quoted me when I commented on a mother making her children massage her for hours.

@UdoU

How is it petty? Why are his needs more important than hers?

I massage my elderly mums shoulder and neck and knees every week, I do it because I love her.

How pathetic that people won’t do these basic thinks for people they supposedly love

It's petty to weaponise sex and use it to punish someone for not being willing to follow a GPs random comments about massage! It's not "pathetic" or a "basic task" to not want to perform daily massages on your partner who's in so much pain they're having to seek professional medical help.

Lovely that you're willing to do that for your mum - that's your choice. That's not really comparable to having to provide daily massages for a spouse.

@ZeroFuchsGiven
This was the full quote I was taking issue with. What a childish selfish attitude towards a partner.

If you weren’t agreeing with the post then I apologise.

My partner isn’t keen on touching my neck, happy enough with a shoulder massage but worries about the spine (which is fair enough)

I have a shiatsu massager which is ok but I find 10 mins of stretching (yoga based) is much better. Also if you can do some neck rolls in a hot shower that helps. Good luck

Get yourself a Shakti mat and pillow.

I would hate massaging someone. Even a family member. It feels awkward to me (and yes, I have done it one or twice because I felt I couldn't say no).

We all have our different feelings and boundaries regarding touch, so no-one should feel obligated to do something they're uncomfortable with. MN is hot on boundaries normally, but apparently not for men.

The DH was a little immature to say that it was stupid, but I'd bet money that he meant he'd feel stupid. As I would.

if a man refused to give his gf intimacy because she wouldn't massage his neck you'd be telling her to tell him to fuck off.

Absolutely. Withdrawing sex to punish someone is far more immature than what he said.

It feels awkward to me

We re talking about a shoulder rub for someone you love who is in pain?
If your “awkward” feelings take precedence in that situation then I wouldn’t feel like having sex with you I’m afraid.

Honestly if your partner asked you to rub sun cream onto his shoulders would you lie on your sunlounger spouting on about your personal boundaries and what you feel comfortable doing? 😂

So weird that all these people finding a basic neck rub awkward but are up in arms about partners refusing to give sex. Seriously, OP is not just a receptacle for his penis.

@SmileyClare

You seem all over the place. On one hand, it’s equivalent to being a medical care for your husband with a broken pelvis and on the other hand, it’s just a bit of suncream.

Most people don’t want to be carers for their partners. And most people don’t want their partners to be their carer. If you absolutely have to be, fine, but most people would try to build up some measure of independence and health so that they aren’t forcing people around them to medically care for them every day.

TBH, DH has attempted to massage my back in the past and it was like being prodded by a thousand toddlers, so I'd be keen to avoid a repeat.

I could understand it if OPs DP had said "I don't feel comfortable doing it, I'm worried I'll do it wrong and hurt you", but that's not what he's said.

OP - this seems to be doing the rounds on TikTok shop (Massager) or Amazon sell equivalents too. What you do about the DP though, I'm not so sure!

Maybe she's just not attracted to such a selfish twat? She's not obliged to have sex with him.

Well the OP refusing sex as a punishment / tit for tat indicates that she sees it as something she allows him to do to her and from which she gets no benefit herself. The withholding of sex as a punishment suggests to me that it is Op that sees herself as a receptacle for his penis, not the posters that find this objectionable.

I presume you can reach your own neck? I wouldn't like to be instructed to do this either.

Maybe she's just not attracted to such a selfish twat? She's not obliged to have sex with him.

I tend to agree with this. Maybe she finds having sex with him "stupid". 🌹

Some people feel very uncomfortable giving massages and see it as a weirdly big thing that they're going to fuck up somehow. Like people who won't dance because they can't cope with not being very good at it. Not able to say to themselves that it's just rubbing your neck a bit/having a bop and you don't actually have to be brilliant. I wonder whether your partner is one of these.

Withholding sex as a punishment is a terrible response.

You are very unreasonable to use sex or intimacy as a currency and as punishment.

And if the roles were reversed and it was your DH doing this, you would be told the same.