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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the washing up

141 replies

ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 07:29

I work 3 days a week as a teacher which is about 38 hours a week work in term time.

I also do all the meal planning, cleaning, food shopping, cooking and usually the washing up and the childcare/school run 4 days a week.

I've had words with DH over this but it goes back to the above after a week of 'helping more'.

DH cooked a mothers day roast dinner yesterday for me, our 3 kids and his parents.

This morning I have come down to a mountain of washing up.

AIBU to leave the washing up and refuse to do it? If I'd known I'd end up doing it then I would have done a salad for mothers day!

YABU = just do the washing up and be grateful he cooked.

YANBU = leave the washing up. He cooked and made the mess so he should wash up.

OP posts:
NameChangeFor2023 · 20/03/2023 07:33

YANBU

I wouldn't do it. Although, I would be the more likely one to leave washing up overnight (for me to do the next day), DH is physically incapable of leaving it.

Devoutspoken · 20/03/2023 07:34

That's massively disrespectful

AnOldCynic · 20/03/2023 07:40

Also being a performance cook for his parents!

I'm surprised his parents didn't chip in and help him yesterday.

Codlingmoths · 20/03/2023 07:43

Leave it. I would. But I’d take myself out for a nice bun and coffee or something since the kitchen is a dump.

bizzywiththefizzy · 20/03/2023 07:46

AnOldCynic · 20/03/2023 07:40

Also being a performance cook for his parents!

I'm surprised his parents didn't chip in and help him yesterday.

Yes I agree , pretending to be the kind thoughtful Husband when he has an audience , then when they leave he reverts back , it's devious .😠

rainbowstardrops · 20/03/2023 08:13

I'd leave it!
I'm surprised he didn't do it straight after. I'd expect his parents and DC (if they're old enough) to help out too.

Original poster
ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 08:59

Our kids are 12 and 7. The 12 year old helped cook which was lovely (albeit he did get screen time in return).

I've just discovered he didn't even put the dishwasher on.

It was lovely not having to cook for once but being left with this mountain of washing up to do the next day is exasperating.

Monday is my day off, so I now have 6 hours and 10 minute to plan most my lessons for the week (including four A Level lessons), mark homework and write Y13 reports. I usually only take 15 minutes for lunch as otherwise all lesson prep would have to be done after 9pm once the kids are in bed!

I want to leave the washing up, but I know if I leave it DH will come home and will be in a really grumpy mood if he ends up having to do it.

ARGH.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 20/03/2023 09:14

ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 08:59

Our kids are 12 and 7. The 12 year old helped cook which was lovely (albeit he did get screen time in return).

I've just discovered he didn't even put the dishwasher on.

It was lovely not having to cook for once but being left with this mountain of washing up to do the next day is exasperating.

Monday is my day off, so I now have 6 hours and 10 minute to plan most my lessons for the week (including four A Level lessons), mark homework and write Y13 reports. I usually only take 15 minutes for lunch as otherwise all lesson prep would have to be done after 9pm once the kids are in bed!

I want to leave the washing up, but I know if I leave it DH will come home and will be in a really grumpy mood if he ends up having to do it.

ARGH.

Let him grump. They are his responsibility!

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 09:30

Take a photo of the washing up and the dirty stuff in the dishwasher, send him a photo and ask him what the actual fuck he thought he was doing leaving that mess for you?

Get him to explain in words of one syllable how a Mother's Day treat is being turned into his skivvy?

Tell him he needs to leave work bang on time tonight, get home quick smart and clean the kitchen with a smile on his face and that you can't believe the audacity of him leaving that mess behind.

It's entirely spoilt Mother's Day for you and that your opinion of him has fallen through the floor.

He owes you a massive apology.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/03/2023 09:32

Let him grump.

How dare he!

LavenderfortheBees · 20/03/2023 09:36

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 09:30

Take a photo of the washing up and the dirty stuff in the dishwasher, send him a photo and ask him what the actual fuck he thought he was doing leaving that mess for you?

Get him to explain in words of one syllable how a Mother's Day treat is being turned into his skivvy?

Tell him he needs to leave work bang on time tonight, get home quick smart and clean the kitchen with a smile on his face and that you can't believe the audacity of him leaving that mess behind.

It's entirely spoilt Mother's Day for you and that your opinion of him has fallen through the floor.

He owes you a massive apology.

This.

How disrespectful.

Original poster
ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 10:13

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 09:30

Take a photo of the washing up and the dirty stuff in the dishwasher, send him a photo and ask him what the actual fuck he thought he was doing leaving that mess for you?

Get him to explain in words of one syllable how a Mother's Day treat is being turned into his skivvy?

Tell him he needs to leave work bang on time tonight, get home quick smart and clean the kitchen with a smile on his face and that you can't believe the audacity of him leaving that mess behind.

It's entirely spoilt Mother's Day for you and that your opinion of him has fallen through the floor.

He owes you a massive apology.

I'm so tempted to do this but it wouldn't be worth the sulking! I am just going to leave it by the side of the sink.

I just feel so angry about it, and if I'd known he had no plans to wash up then I would have insisted on eating out or having a salad or something that involved no washing up!

His mum never worked and was a housewife, doing everything and expecting nothing from the husband and kids. He now seems to expect the same housewife thing from me, except in term time I also work the same amount of hours as him!

I have no objection in school holidays to doing more than my fair share, but my constant requests for help fall on deaf ears.

I am glad most agree that I'm not being unreasonable being so pissed off the washing up was not done.

OP posts:
BrainOnFire · 20/03/2023 10:20

YANBU at all. Leave it for him. Otherwise it's not a mother's day treat at all.

Personally I'd act innocent if he gets grumpy. "Oh were you expecting me to do it?" <wide eyes> "It never occurred to me to do it! I thought not having to cook or wash up was my mother's day treat."

Codlingmoths · 20/03/2023 10:22

let him grump. You’re bloody well grumpy right now and what’s he going to do to fix that? Why would you do the dishes to cheer him up??

Ktime · 20/03/2023 10:26

but I know if I leave it DH will come home and will be in a really grumpy mood if he ends up having to do it.

Why does he get to be grumpy but you can't?

Botw1 · 20/03/2023 10:29

Why do you care about him being sulky and grumpy when he clearly doesn't care about pissing you off?

You've repeatedly asked him to do his share. He is disrespecting you because he knows you won't pull him up on it/will keep letting him away with it.

Stop doing it

MuttsNutts · 20/03/2023 10:34

This is why so many useless men behave as they do - a bit of sulking/grumping and they know their wives will cave.

Vent away OP but you do realise you are enabling his behaviour by clearing up after him?

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 10:46

"My constant requests for help"??

It's not "help" that you're asking for; that assumes that the housework is your job and any contribution he makes is some kind of favour to you.

You are asking him to do his fair share.

If he lived on his own he'd need to wash the dishes after cooking a meal wouldn't he? So how is he "helping" you by doing it?

Recalibrate your mindset. The housework is not your sole responsibility; it should be 50/50 and every time he is not doing his share he is failing you, failing your relationship and failing to be a decent husband and father.

Stop looking at him as a "helper" and start looking at him as a "failure".

Don't say "can you help me to do the dishes?" say "you've failed to do your share of the dishes, can you rectify that?"

"You've failed to pick your clothes up from the floor."

"You've failed to put the bins out."

"You've failed to contribute to the housework, again."

Don't ask him to "help" you put the kids to bed, say "you're failing to do your fair share of parenting tonight, you bath X, whilst I read to Y"

Don't ask him to "help" ask him to be less of a failure.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/03/2023 10:47

His mum never worked and was a housewife, doing everything and expecting nothing from the husband and kids. He now seems to expect the same housewife thing from me, except in term time I also work the same amount of hours as him!

This reminds me of a cartoon I once saw.

Man says: You’ve been at home all day. Why don’t we have a clean and tidy house?

Woman says: You’ve been at work all day. Why aren’t we rich?

pinkyredrose · 20/03/2023 11:00

Has he always been useless? You work the same hours, you should get the same amount of leisure time.

Also sulking is so unsexy, he's not a child (apparently)

CleaningOutMyCloset · 20/03/2023 11:14

Why does he get to be grumpy and you can't?!?!

Come on op, I hate to say it but if you do the washing up and don't have strong words, then you might as well just accept you'll be his skivvy for the rest of your relationship and you have no one else to blame but yourself.

I agree with a pp, take a photo and ask his wtf you should have to clean up after him.

Original poster
ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 15:29

You'll be pleased to hear that the washing up is still in a big pile next to the sink! 😁

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 20/03/2023 15:40

I agree with @BeExcellent2EachOther. He's not 'helping', he's doing his share of the chores.

Absolutely leave the dishes by the sink.

I'd actually go so far as to tailor the meals that I would be involved in cooking, to not use any of the pots/utensils that are waiting to be washed and cleaned.

rwalker · 20/03/2023 15:55

If one cooks other one tidies up in our house

mother or father day wouldn’t make wouldn’t difference

BrainOnFire · 20/03/2023 16:07

Well done for standing firm OP!